wish I could take a vacation from AH and his dramas
Fedora said
Mar 11, 2020
Hi everyone. I just had to come here briefly and vent before I go home (I'm at my office). AH has been trying to cut down his drinking from 6 huge (like 8 oz pours) vodka drinks to less, and he's down to around 2. Which is great. But of course nothing else about his mindset has changed and he's sad and insecure and needy 100% of the time. It's still better than him being drunk because when he's drunk he is all of those things but he's also Extra Stupid. He actually got sick this week so I got excited about making him quarantine himself in the bedroom and away from the rest of us but he says he's too lonely and sad. He cries pretty much every day. Nearly every other day someone else or something else "piles on him" and makes him angry and then he drinks and gets sadder. I finally learned my lesson and am not volunteering him for anything. I used to do that bc I hoped that having adult interactions would help him get out of his addled head. Now I see that that is just asking for his problem to become really public. So I'm just leaving him to his own devices, which is probably better for everyone.
In my part of the country the virus panic hasn't really set upon us yet but every hour it looms bigger. So I am anticipating being stuck with my family over the next week bc of spring break at my work (I teach) and quite possibly after that if the university goes to online teaching. This gives me the heebeejeebies. My work is my vacation from AH. I'm planning to still go to my office under the pretense that we are going to be teaching our courses over the computer and I'm going to tell him that I can't do mine on my lap top. (Which is not true but I can't stand the thought of not getting away from him for an unknown amount of time.)
In an interesting side note, AH told him mother about his drinking problems. He has never told her any of this although she knows. It was always "The Elephant In the Room". I wasn't there when they had this conversation but day one apparently was surprisingly nice. Then MIL got her wits about her and things started to go south. AH really wants his mommy to pat him on the back for only drinking 16oz of vodka a day. Her own husband left her over alcohol (and other women) so she's is definitely not going to feel charitable about that. So AH went crazy mad that "no one understands me" and the pity party was in FULL swing.
GAAAH. I did a relatively ok job of not getting involved although I had to tell him that "if you are paring down the drinking so you can get some special credits from people, you had better just go ahead and keep drinking. Unless you stop because you want to for You, I don't see how this can go well." Because he has said that whenever I (or now, his mother) don't give him accolades for not drinking an entire liter of vodka in one shot, it makes it so he wants to go back to drinking the whole liter.
I did put my foot down and said, "don't you pin that on me. Your inability to say no has only to do with your problem. Not me." (He didn't even hear me, but that's no surprise.)
Anyway, now he is having tremors. I don't think it's withdrawl shakes. He's been having neurological issues for a couple of years now. I'm pretty sure it's from booze poisoning his central nervous system.
Ok, that's enough of that for now. I'm going to the store and then going home.
Thanks for listening,
Freetime said
Mar 11, 2020
Fedora -- I feel for you. Thinking about the virus and how it is impacting workplaces, I was thinking that working from home is such a great option for those who can do it. When I was working, I enjoyed the chance to sometimes work from home.
I'm no longer living with an alcoholic, but reading your post reminded me -- BAM! -- how it used to be. Going to the office was my escape, too. Even though I had a long commute, even though I got a lot of interruptions while in the office, even though there were pointless meetings -- I loved it, because it wasn't home. Home was stressful and scary. No matter what happened at the office, it wasn't as stressful as home. So now I have a lot more empathy for those who are being required to work from home -- it's probably great for most of them, but for some -- they might be in the same situation you are in and I was in, and no longer have that escape. I imagine people's serenity will be tested.
I'm glad you will be able to go to your office if you need to. Please take care, and I hope you can get a vacation, or find time to do something fun.
Iamhere said
Mar 12, 2020
Fedora - I too am sorry for all that active disease brings to our lives, our family, our homes, etc. It was way too much for me to handle (alone) and probably the biggest driver that pushed me to find my courage and attend meetings, and then more meetings! The disease can certainly dominate the home, the family, etc. and as we say, nothing changes if nothing changes!
I too found ways to escape - work, walk, shopping, other. When I began my Al-Anon journey, I added the gym to that and had to carefully schedule 'me time' away from the house to ensure limited impact to my kids. When in the middle of the chaos/insanity, it was hard to believe that 'this too shall pass'...yet as I look back, it did pass and things did work out.
It was extremely challenging to raise children and find the time to attend multiple meetings per day. I was fortunate that MIP here had meetings twice a day which helped greatly. So many just say go to meetings not realizing that we (as primary caretakers) struggle to find the time, coverage for kids, coverage for meals, etc. It took me a long while to truly accept and embrace that when I put me and my recovery first, and worked to find a way to embrace recovery, all the rest felt easier, saner and more manageable.
Take good care of you and trust your program and progress! I'm sending prayers for you all - keep coming back and know you are not alone!
tiredtonite said
Mar 12, 2020
Hi Fedora,
I, too remember feeling trapped in the house with nowhere to escape. It's a tough deal all around. You are lucky to have the Alanon program to lean on. I wish I'd had it way back when I was experiencing this. I was full of venom concerning my now exah at that time. I wish I'd had a program and loving sponsor to call and vent to or this site to come to - someone or somewhere safe to share my anger, fear and resentment - feelings that might not be so pretty and have those feelings validated. I'd also given up on believing I had a higher power that loved me and was taking care of me because of what my life looked like back then.
There was love and comfort I was needing from someone because I was so tired of trying to hold up the world world for him and me. Was I going to feel sorry for him because of what he was going through? Hll no! What about what I was going through "because of him." You know in our program we say "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." I drank it like nectar and eventually it blinded me. I wasn't able to see my exah as a person any longer just this thing that was blocking my ability to have happy "normal" life. For me anyway, that was very dangerous place to find myself emotionally. My ex was detoxing himself which led to hospitizalization then rehab. Initially, I felt guilty for having such feeling of relief to have him in someone else's hands and be free of what I believed was my responsibility for him. His rehab showed me the way to the doors of Alanon. I thank God, my higher power for those people!
It's really hard to be hole up in the house with someone who is still drinking. Vent away here! I've found headphone with music I love to be a great detachment tool whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. (((((hugs)))) TT
Maresie888 said
Mar 12, 2020
Well I have certainly been there and done that. The resentment I had was corrosive
I am currently staying with someone who is an alcoholic while my apartment is rennovated
I am relishing the space at the moment because my roommate is gone.
I only have another 20.something days of this
I cannot wait to get back to.my own space
The alcoholic who I live with (as a roommate) actually drinks far less than he did 3 years ago. He drank copiously then
Apart from being less loud (he was extremely loud when he was drunk). There is no difference. In fact his house is In far worse shape.
So for me personally quantity is one thing and behavior is another
I am determined that this place can never be my.fall back place again
I am also determined to leave things with him in good terms
But I am still even after years of recovery flabbergasted by the behavior of alcoholics. They simply astonish me
I understand the exhaustion avd the resentment.
I also have neighbors who are addicts/alcoholics. Their self absorption is unending. When I move back I intend to have far stronger boundaries around them.
They are all completely enmeshed with one another. They can remain enmeshed I.do not have to join them
Maresie
Fedora said
Mar 17, 2020
Hi everyone. So far, it's day two. We've gotten into two big fights. I hope this is not how things are going to be for the duration. AH is flat out crazy. He wants me to apologize for calling him a drunk. I fantasized all day about him being dead. He invited some students over to our home. Luckily they declined. (He thinks the whole virus thing is absurd. If he wasn't so afraid of getting another DUI he would be out there shaking hands with everyone he can meet.) He yelled at the kids bc he was too drunk to work his (own) video game. The kids have started getting real tired of dad being too dumb/drunk to work a remote control. One of them (the 10 year old) called him stupid and the other (12 yrs old) yelled at him. I was afraid that things would really escalate to a new bad level, so I ran in there and told the kids to get out and go upstairs. I also told AH to stop asking them for "help".
Anyway, I managed to get to my office (it's near my house) and enjoy a quiet lunch for myself. I've told the kids to feed themselves, which I'm pretty sure they can do. I just needed to get out and clear my head. I feel better now.
I discovered that, as my AH has been cutting down on alcohol, he doesn't Always drink enough to pass out. This is ironically very unhelpful to me. I didn't realize how much I relied on him passing out to enjoy my evenings at home. When he is passed out, the kids play nicely together, I enjoy a leisurely time of cleaning up and/or reading/snacking, etc... now that he's not exactly passed out (but drunk enough to fall down when he gets out of bed), he causes trouble 18 hrs a day.
ANYWAY. It's Tuesday afternoon. It's quiet at my place of work and I had a nice lunch. Later on I'll go home and take the kids out for a walk. (We live in a small enough town that you can do that without seeing people.) There are no F2F meetings going on right now; so I'm just checking in here to remind myself of the important things in life.
I hope you are all well. Even though I don't know any of you in person, I think about the people on this board a lot. I am so grateful for the words of wisdom and encouragement that I get here.
JerryF said
Mar 17, 2020
Believe it Fedora...your post and the responses caused me to laugh, feel sad, feel angry, remember the definition of insanity that I learned in the program, miss my alcoholic/addict who I haven't seen for over 30 years (I do still miss her and the insanity we shared for soooo long (crazy isn't that?) and more. I live again very near where we shared the disease so am nodding my head that only A POWER MUCH MUCH GREATER THAN MYSELF can restore me to sanity ((((a continuous and orderly process of thought))))
Thank you Higher Power for this gift of Al-Anon.
I'm sending truck loads of Love, ESH Hugs and compassion out there for the families and others affected and our alcoholics/addicts that recovery will appear and abide for a long time. ((((Hugs))))
a4l said
Mar 17, 2020
Ah Fedora. So familiar. I did have to laugh at the line of "if you're looking for special credit you might as well go back to drinking". Laugh because I so relate to the fed up energy of being subtly invited to The Denial. It is frustrating. On the flip side, I'm so grateful that's not me anymore and I try ( mostly fail in the process but still keep trying) to not pick up the rope lest I whip someone with it. I'm so glad you can still retreat to work in a work space. That indeed is a sanity saver. Thanks for your share.
Bo said
Mar 17, 2020
I just never, never ever, got into the "negotiations" -- either with my AW, with the amount of drinking, etc. Never. I just felt, for me, it was 1000% enabling. An alcoholic cannot have just one so to speak. Period. Two? Three? See my point, LOL. They, their make-up, chemistry, wires, whatever you want to call it, cannot have just one. So, I don't get into that. While I appreciated my wife's efforts to "cut down" or "it's just beer" or whatever the case may have been, I knew she was an alcoholic, and I wasn't engaging at all with any discussions about "cutting back". For me, it didn't matter because it always lead to more drinking, as once the limit was met, she then hid and drank, which truthfully made matters worse.
Anyway, more important -- you said it exactly -- and you hit the nail perfectly on the head...THE MINDSET DOESN'T CHANGE. Thank you! Thank you very much!!! I never wanted to negotiate with her or myself that her being needy was better than her being drunk. It was only a matter of time before she was drunk. I am sorry you are struggling with the "mental" side of his issues.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean -- my work was my vacation too!!! Absolutely. So, my solution is...self-care. Unless you are quarantined...and if you are not going to work...go elsewhere! Get a room for part of the day at the library. If it's closed, ask a friend, or neighbor. Look, keep looking. If there is a mandatory quarantine, like we had scheduled here in Bergen County, NJ -- but got postponed -- then you may be stuck. Different room. Closed doors. Garage. Car. Outside. Anywhere he is not.
There are many different types of detachment -- physical and emotional being two that play with and against each other. But, right now I love the plan of still going to your office!!! Be grateful that's still an option. Run to your office, while you still can!!! LOL.
BTW, just my feelings but if his mommy pats him on the back for only drinking 16 oz of vodka a day...all that means is one thing...there are two sick people in that conversation!
Enjoy and stay safe!!!
Bo said
Mar 17, 2020
By the way...most of all...keep doing the work!!! The alanon program...works if you work it. While it may come as a surprise to some people...It is not magical in that it just happens. We have to do work.
Bettertomorrow said
Mar 18, 2020
Hi Fedora,
I can totally empathise with your feelings and hope that you can still get out while your part of the world is not yet on lockdown.
I am currently still sharing a house with my active AH and our children although I have started the process of permanent separation so there is a goal I am moving towards. However like you at the moment we are still in the same house and he has just been put onto short time working (we live in the UK and our Prime Minister has recently advised people to stay away from restaurants and my AH works in that industry) which potentially means endless days of him being at home with me. My current mantra is that this shall pass - not the virus - but him and me being stuck in the same space for hours on end.
My 'plan' is to practice physical and emotional detachment. Having never been a gardener I have gone out and purchased seeds and bulbs to transform our garden and am getting the kids involved in building a shed out there (it's going to be my retreat with lights, fluffy cushions and as many comforts as I can get in there!) - so that if he is in the living room, that is where we will be doing some of the stuff we would never normally get time to do. I am actually looking forward to this quality time with my children and they are equally up for it.
Your comment about it being easier to handle when your husband is passed out resonates so well with me as did the comment of looking at him and fantasizing about him being dead. It's such a comfort to know that other people have these feelings aswell and a sign to me that I still need to do alot of work on my own thinking. Detaching I can do - detaching with love is still a work in progress, but each day I am taking baby steps to get there and eventually all those baby steps add up to real progress.
I wish you well in your area of the world wherever that is and hope that you and your children can find some peace and serenity.
Joanne x
Iamhere said
Mar 18, 2020
(((Fedora))) - you are doing great even if you doubt that or if you feel you are not! Your post reminded me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance & Action. I believe that more is revealed when we are ready/able to process and deal with it. These are trying times for the healthiest of people and families - that multiplied for those of us who are affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
Detaching is so much easier to do when there isn't a Pandemic....(strange to write/type that, yet true)! I can vividly remember the knot in my stomach on the ride home when I was working outside the home. I could feel a physical change within me, and without intent, my car ride home would slow greatly as I approached my driveway. I always projected what I would find (and it was never positive) and was filled with absolute dread and fear.
My sponsor suggested I 'change what I could' and so I began to reach out to her or another program friend for my ride home. It seemed to fill me with just enough program and distract me just enough from my own thoughts to help me settle before going in. As I look back and reflect, nobody died, the house did not burn to the ground and even though it was messy and chaotic at times, we did all survive.
Trial and error has worked wonders for me. I do know that my guys will not follow me into 3 places - the laundry room, the bathroom and the pantry. All 3 have been escape places for me where I could pause and pray before I proceeded to the next right thing. I also know that when I couldn't leave, earbuds and the vacuum cleaner were often my friend. I love long walks and found those very helpful. Again, trial and error were my friend to find what worked well for me and my recovery. Over time, I learned how to actually detach from others, while remaining in the same area/room. When we are spiritually fit, I believe we can and will thrive under any circumstance.
So - keep doing what you're doing and trust your program and your progress! People who live alone are more experienced at 'social distancing'- those of us with loved ones/family present -- not so much. One day at a time has been golden for me as we hunker down here. (((Hugs)))
KT2015 said
Mar 18, 2020
Hey Fedora,
Thanks for your honest shares. I can so relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have been dreading this shut down as well being home all day every day with my AH and my daughter. Thankfully it hasn't been so bad. My AH goes up and down with his drinking so even when there is a lul I've learned not to rely on it for too long since it is a disease that will rear it's ugly head eventually. I try to stay completely out of it and leave it to him and his business. Not to say I haven't intervened when it comes to my daughter or my own sanity. My strategies for dealing with my AH were to go to face to face meetings, get out and do things like the gym or get together with friends etc. All that went away now that we are all together in the house. I've had to find other ways to keep my sanity. I've developed a bit of a schedule for myself (other people have joined for some of it and that is ok with me). I go for an hour walk a day to get some fresh air and exercise. I set aside some time to read in the bedroom alone. I am journaling and I'm keeping in touch with my friends from my group and my sponsor and sponsee are lifesavers. I've had to up my program tools during this time. Not to mention the concern and real fear of the virus in my city the program has helped me with that too. Wishing you all the best during this challenging time and remember this too shall pass.
Fedora said
Mar 21, 2020
Hello everyone. Thank you so much for the words of understanding and encouragement. Day 6 of being stuck with the AH. Recently his memory loss problems have accelerated. I always associated them with bouts of drinking but now I realize that they just happen all throughout the day whether he was drinking or not. Tonight he actually admitted to me that it was frightening him. I thought that was a positive step although I realized (after some conversation) that it's just more of "he wants me to hold his hand and tell him everything is going to be fine and that he doesn't have a problem". Today he had three big events that he totally forgot had happened. When we talked about it, I suggested he call his physician. (Of course, this is truly the worst possible time in history to need to see a doctor but at least I can say he definitely is not sporting any symptoms of The Virus.) This actually happened last week and I think he did call, but then he forgot and we got into a big row about it.
Tonight we did not get into a fight about it (although we came close; he fell asleep/passed out before it could get to that stage). I'm just sad that things are going this way. He already had mental issues unrelated to alcohol that make everything worse. One of my best friends' parents has come down with a terminal brain tumor. I find it ironic that my friend is of course pursuing every possible treatment known and unknown in a herculean effort to help her parent have a good quality of life and my AH thinks this is great, but when it comes to "lets try to help you find a way out of this alcohol mess - let's get some professional help" he just shuts it down faster than you can imagine. Even though alcohol is going to be every bit as terminal as a brain tumor - it's just going to take a bit longer. He thinks he should be able to "handle it himself". I realize now that that is the booze talking. Because if it was as easy as choosing not to eat guacamole when you go to a Mexican restaurant, it wouldn't be alcoholism. And if he can "handle it alone", he can effectively "erase" the label from his life.
I'm trying to just see this objectively and not make it a character flaw. (Because I'll tell you it sure feels like one right now.) Like, if my friend's parent could make the brain tumor go away by just eating a better diet, I'm sure they would do that. But they can't, and I would never expect them to pursue that route for any length of time. So I am looking at my AH and thinking, "he has brain damage. His ability to see that the path to freedom is right in front of his face has been diminished. Can't fix him. Must simply do what is necessary to protect self and children."
This is a horrid place to be. I could not feel less married than if I were single and hadn't had a date in years. At least I would still have my imagination.
*********
In other news, we finally got a confirmed case of COVID in my county. The patient location is about 10 min from my house, but our county/town is very small and there are only a couple of places in town you go for groceries etc. so the chances that we'll have community spread within days is pretty high. I pray that things don't go as bad as they could. I pray that everyone on this board stays safe and free of the contagion.
Bo said
Mar 21, 2020
Fedora, thank you so much for sharing. Your clarity is inspiring. My sponsor used to tell me "You are trying to apply logic to an illogical situation, an illogical disease, and an illogical person." In my experience alcoholics rationalize, justify, deflect, vacillate, deny, and so much more, better than any other class or category of people. And here we are trying to rationalize with them! LOL.
I am sorry to hear about your best friend's parent. While your friend is doing all she can to help -- the parent is "willing" and wants to get better. There is the enigmatic, missing, X-factor with our situation with the alcoholic. Alcoholism is a baffling, cunning, enigmatic, insidious, mystifying, and often unexplainable disease. You are absolutely being objective...and it is not a character flaw...and you are being very healthy! Your attitude and perspective is one of a healthy person! I admire you. That said, yes, it is a horrid place to be. I've been there, done that, and hated being there and how it made me feel. I've sat right next to my wife...and never felt more alone in my entire life. I've been in a marriage, and felt like I had a roommate who I could not stand. I've lived with someone who I eventually couldn't stand seeing. My life became filled with, let's see...anger, rage, resentment, jealousy, envy, fear, desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, control, wanting to be right, and more. I arrived at a point, where I just couldn't stand it for another minute. There it was. Rock bottom. That's when I started. I was ready. I made a conscious decision and commitment to do whatever it took to get better. Period. No excuses, no distractions, no nonsense, no nothing. Just doing whatever it took to get better. Period. Two friends of mine "found" me a sponsor, a real legend in the alanon program. We talked. He told me that in 30 days, what I was feeling, thinking, etc., could be gone...if, and only if, I was willing. I went to 30 in 30. Actually, it was 60 in 30. I did what he told me. We talked every single day. More than once a day. We met 3 times a week. 30 days later, I had a clarity and awareness that I never could have imagined. I felt better. Everything I was feeling was gone. But I still wasn't better. I just wasn't any longer at rock bottom. That progress that I made in 30 days showed me, proved to me, that I COULD GET BETTER. That's when I started. On day 30 we spoke, and he said to me...now you are ready to truly get better. And we started. We started doing the work right then and there. We started working the program, actively, proactively, and deliberately. We did the work earnestly, passionately, and vigorously. We did it purposely and intently.
I am definitive, certain, he saved my life. Today, I have a life I could never ever have dreamed of, hoped for, or even imagined.
All the best Fedora. Lean into your program. Rely on it. Use it. And work it. Keep the focus on YOU. Do it, and keep doing it.
Iamhere said
Mar 22, 2020
(((Fedora))) - sending tons of hugs, prayers and positive energy your way...you do have a ton going on! At times in my life when there are competing chaotic things swirling around me, it helps at times to just remember to breathe! When my mind is churning about other people, places, things, problems, etc. it's very hard for me to remember to use my tools.
I text with a variety of groups all day, every day - all of which has increased as we're all practicing social distancing. I finally admitted yesterday that after close to 2 weeks, I am ready to send my AH off to another's home so they are less lonely! We actually chucked about it - it's just a revised normal that nobody is prepared for. Yes, when married with family, we all spend time together, often seeking quality time! When we are forced into quantity times, it's really easy to be on edge and feel all consumed!
We have the most cases in our county for our state and most of it is community spread. I'm in an area where schools have been closed for several weeks and are closed through the end of the school year. We have also been proactively practicing social distancing and I think, compared to other areas, it has slowed the progression. In spite of all this, our area has issued a stay at home order for 30 days, starting on Tuesday. There will be criminal charges, fines, etc. for those violating. I am grateful our local leadership is taking extreme measures to try to deter the spread of the virus.
Stay distant, stay safe and trust your HP, program, tools, etc. Love and light - you are not alone!
Fedora said
Mar 22, 2020
Hi everyone. Thanks for all the reminders that a) I'm not alone b) I didn't invent this and c) while I can't do anything about AH, I can do something about me. This afternoon after yet another round of talking in circles with AH I decided to step back (after he passed out) and have a moment of giving this up to a HP. I've had a lot of trouble with this, but I decided that even if I just make the motions, it's a start. I also resolved to stop trying to talk logic into illogical. I cleaned another bathroom and tried to just let things rest.
I desperately wish that he could give AA a chance. I feel like ALAnon has been a lifesaver to me and has brought benefit to my life in so many ways. So many ways that I think he would find so comforting. But oh well. I just wanted to say that out loud once, and I'm not going to say it anymore.
bud said
Mar 22, 2020
Thank you Fedora, your post and this thread resonate. I have been finding myself triggered lately ... I've been intensely wishing and this post helps me feel less alone. Sending prayers and positive thoughts.
mamalioness said
Mar 23, 2020
((((((((((((((((((Fedora))))))))))))))))))))))) OH LORD!!! I can relate to you post....you got some GREAT responses, so i can't add much, but a support hug and tell you that yep...i used work, errands, helping another to get out of the AH's pity BS when he was drunk or the nastiness AH#1...AH#2 wasn't so bad, but enough..the things I could make up to get me out of the house......this virus??? I feel for the sober spouses now because if we all get stuck in house, which dallas county is saying "non essential workers need to stay home" confirmed cases in and around DC and i am thinking "thank you HP, i live alone and am not trapped with anyone" but I was before when i had no car to escape AH#1........my prayers and thoughts go out to you and I think you are handling a terrible situation REAL well....yaaay for Alanon and YAY to you for working a strong program
Bettertomorrow said
Mar 23, 2020
Fedora - as you put it - you are most certainly not alone as all the people on this board will testify.
Also, I wanted to thank you, as I am also stuck in a house with my active AH so for me the mere fact of knowing that there is someone else, somewhere else in this world who is in a similar situation to me is hugely comforting.
Luckily the weather in my part of the world (UK) is sunny (for a change) and so I can at least get out into the garden. I am practicising lots of detachment and for me what makes the difference is saying to myself that detaching is what I can use right here, right now while I am working on a longer term solution. Knowing that detachment can just be a short term solution rather than a way of living for the rest of my life has really helped my mindset. I haven't quite managed the detach 'with love' part - it's more detach with distance (even if it just in another room)!
You say that you can do something about you and it is clear that you are working that already, which is fantastic. Please do keep us updated on progress and wishing you a peaceful day today. Joanne x
2HP said
Mar 23, 2020
Fedora, I saw your headline "vacation" and immediately thought of step 11 meditation, the ultimate vacation. The steps did not fail me, they give me long-term solutions. The steps taught me how attachment to anything else is imprisonment and entirely up to me to release myself. I always had an attachment to my useless thought, "things should NOT look like THIS!!"
But it doesn't change anything, it just makes me miserable.
Take your vacation today, don't put it off. My AH used to be so noisy in the house, TV blaring, etc. so I would shut myself off in the front room, door closed, and whenever he walked in and saw me in meditation pose, he'd just quietly walk out and leave me in (((peace))) Go to any lengths to get it, and stay well.
Bo said
Mar 23, 2020
Excellent insight 2HP!!! Thank you very much for your perspective. Solutions are absolutely presented to me, by the steps...and it's up to me to implement, take action, etc.
That aside, I love "attachment" is imprisonment...and YES!!! It is up to me to release myself from the imprisonment! Love that. Thank you!!!
Hi everyone. I just had to come here briefly and vent before I go home (I'm at my office). AH has been trying to cut down his drinking from 6 huge (like 8 oz pours) vodka drinks to less, and he's down to around 2. Which is great. But of course nothing else about his mindset has changed and he's sad and insecure and needy 100% of the time. It's still better than him being drunk because when he's drunk he is all of those things but he's also Extra Stupid. He actually got sick this week so I got excited about making him quarantine himself in the bedroom and away from the rest of us but he says he's too lonely and sad. He cries pretty much every day. Nearly every other day someone else or something else "piles on him" and makes him angry and then he drinks and gets sadder. I finally learned my lesson and am not volunteering him for anything. I used to do that bc I hoped that having adult interactions would help him get out of his addled head. Now I see that that is just asking for his problem to become really public. So I'm just leaving him to his own devices, which is probably better for everyone.
In my part of the country the virus panic hasn't really set upon us yet but every hour it looms bigger. So I am anticipating being stuck with my family over the next week bc of spring break at my work (I teach) and quite possibly after that if the university goes to online teaching. This gives me the heebeejeebies. My work is my vacation from AH. I'm planning to still go to my office under the pretense that we are going to be teaching our courses over the computer and I'm going to tell him that I can't do mine on my lap top. (Which is not true but I can't stand the thought of not getting away from him for an unknown amount of time.)
In an interesting side note, AH told him mother about his drinking problems. He has never told her any of this although she knows. It was always "The Elephant In the Room". I wasn't there when they had this conversation but day one apparently was surprisingly nice. Then MIL got her wits about her and things started to go south. AH really wants his mommy to pat him on the back for only drinking 16oz of vodka a day. Her own husband left her over alcohol (and other women) so she's is definitely not going to feel charitable about that. So AH went crazy mad that "no one understands me" and the pity party was in FULL swing.
GAAAH. I did a relatively ok job of not getting involved although I had to tell him that "if you are paring down the drinking so you can get some special credits from people, you had better just go ahead and keep drinking. Unless you stop because you want to for You, I don't see how this can go well." Because he has said that whenever I (or now, his mother) don't give him accolades for not drinking an entire liter of vodka in one shot, it makes it so he wants to go back to drinking the whole liter.
I did put my foot down and said, "don't you pin that on me. Your inability to say no has only to do with your problem. Not me." (He didn't even hear me, but that's no surprise.)
Anyway, now he is having tremors. I don't think it's withdrawl shakes. He's been having neurological issues for a couple of years now. I'm pretty sure it's from booze poisoning his central nervous system.
Ok, that's enough of that for now. I'm going to the store and then going home.
Thanks for listening,
I'm no longer living with an alcoholic, but reading your post reminded me -- BAM! -- how it used to be. Going to the office was my escape, too. Even though I had a long commute, even though I got a lot of interruptions while in the office, even though there were pointless meetings -- I loved it, because it wasn't home. Home was stressful and scary. No matter what happened at the office, it wasn't as stressful as home. So now I have a lot more empathy for those who are being required to work from home -- it's probably great for most of them, but for some -- they might be in the same situation you are in and I was in, and no longer have that escape. I imagine people's serenity will be tested.
I'm glad you will be able to go to your office if you need to. Please take care, and I hope you can get a vacation, or find time to do something fun.
I too found ways to escape - work, walk, shopping, other. When I began my Al-Anon journey, I added the gym to that and had to carefully schedule 'me time' away from the house to ensure limited impact to my kids. When in the middle of the chaos/insanity, it was hard to believe that 'this too shall pass'...yet as I look back, it did pass and things did work out.
It was extremely challenging to raise children and find the time to attend multiple meetings per day. I was fortunate that MIP here had meetings twice a day which helped greatly. So many just say go to meetings not realizing that we (as primary caretakers) struggle to find the time, coverage for kids, coverage for meals, etc. It took me a long while to truly accept and embrace that when I put me and my recovery first, and worked to find a way to embrace recovery, all the rest felt easier, saner and more manageable.
Take good care of you and trust your program and progress! I'm sending prayers for you all - keep coming back and know you are not alone!
Hi Fedora,
I, too remember feeling trapped in the house with nowhere to escape. It's a tough deal all around. You are lucky to have the Alanon program to lean on. I wish I'd had it way back when I was experiencing this. I was full of venom concerning my now exah at that time. I wish I'd had a program and loving sponsor to call and vent to or this site to come to - someone or somewhere safe to share my anger, fear and resentment - feelings that might not be so pretty and have those feelings validated. I'd also given up on believing I had a higher power that loved me and was taking care of me because of what my life looked like back then.
There was love and comfort I was needing from someone because I was so tired of trying to hold up the world world for him and me. Was I going to feel sorry for him because of what he was going through? Hll no! What about what I was going through "because of him." You know in our program we say "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." I drank it like nectar and eventually it blinded me. I wasn't able to see my exah as a person any longer just this thing that was blocking my ability to have happy "normal" life. For me anyway, that was very dangerous place to find myself emotionally. My ex was detoxing himself which led to hospitizalization then rehab. Initially, I felt guilty for having such feeling of relief to have him in someone else's hands and be free of what I believed was my responsibility for him. His rehab showed me the way to the doors of Alanon. I thank God, my higher power for those people!
It's really hard to be hole up in the house with someone who is still drinking. Vent away here! I've found headphone with music I love to be a great detachment tool whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. (((((hugs)))) TT
Anyway, I managed to get to my office (it's near my house) and enjoy a quiet lunch for myself. I've told the kids to feed themselves, which I'm pretty sure they can do. I just needed to get out and clear my head. I feel better now.
I discovered that, as my AH has been cutting down on alcohol, he doesn't Always drink enough to pass out. This is ironically very unhelpful to me. I didn't realize how much I relied on him passing out to enjoy my evenings at home. When he is passed out, the kids play nicely together, I enjoy a leisurely time of cleaning up and/or reading/snacking, etc... now that he's not exactly passed out (but drunk enough to fall down when he gets out of bed), he causes trouble 18 hrs a day.
ANYWAY. It's Tuesday afternoon. It's quiet at my place of work and I had a nice lunch. Later on I'll go home and take the kids out for a walk. (We live in a small enough town that you can do that without seeing people.) There are no F2F meetings going on right now; so I'm just checking in here to remind myself of the important things in life.
I hope you are all well. Even though I don't know any of you in person, I think about the people on this board a lot. I am so grateful for the words of wisdom and encouragement that I get here.
Believe it Fedora...your post and the responses caused me to laugh, feel sad, feel angry, remember the definition of insanity that I learned in the program, miss my alcoholic/addict who I haven't seen for over 30 years (I do still miss her and the insanity we shared for soooo long (crazy isn't that?) and more. I live again very near where we shared the disease so am nodding my head that only A POWER MUCH MUCH GREATER THAN MYSELF can restore me to sanity ((((a continuous and orderly process of thought))))
Thank you Higher Power for this gift of Al-Anon.
I'm sending truck loads of Love, ESH Hugs and compassion out there for the families and others affected and our alcoholics/addicts that recovery will appear and abide for a long time. ((((Hugs))))
Anyway, more important -- you said it exactly -- and you hit the nail perfectly on the head...THE MINDSET DOESN'T CHANGE. Thank you! Thank you very much!!! I never wanted to negotiate with her or myself that her being needy was better than her being drunk. It was only a matter of time before she was drunk. I am sorry you are struggling with the "mental" side of his issues.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean -- my work was my vacation too!!! Absolutely. So, my solution is...self-care. Unless you are quarantined...and if you are not going to work...go elsewhere! Get a room for part of the day at the library. If it's closed, ask a friend, or neighbor. Look, keep looking. If there is a mandatory quarantine, like we had scheduled here in Bergen County, NJ -- but got postponed -- then you may be stuck. Different room. Closed doors. Garage. Car. Outside. Anywhere he is not.
There are many different types of detachment -- physical and emotional being two that play with and against each other. But, right now I love the plan of still going to your office!!! Be grateful that's still an option. Run to your office, while you still can!!! LOL.
BTW, just my feelings but if his mommy pats him on the back for only drinking 16 oz of vodka a day...all that means is one thing...there are two sick people in that conversation!
Enjoy and stay safe!!!
By the way...most of all...keep doing the work!!! The alanon program...works if you work it. While it may come as a surprise to some people...It is not magical in that it just happens. We have to do work.
Hi Fedora,
I can totally empathise with your feelings and hope that you can still get out while your part of the world is not yet on lockdown.
I am currently still sharing a house with my active AH and our children although I have started the process of permanent separation so there is a goal I am moving towards. However like you at the moment we are still in the same house and he has just been put onto short time working (we live in the UK and our Prime Minister has recently advised people to stay away from restaurants and my AH works in that industry) which potentially means endless days of him being at home with me. My current mantra is that this shall pass - not the virus - but him and me being stuck in the same space for hours on end.
My 'plan' is to practice physical and emotional detachment. Having never been a gardener I have gone out and purchased seeds and bulbs to transform our garden and am getting the kids involved in building a shed out there (it's going to be my retreat with lights, fluffy cushions and as many comforts as I can get in there!) - so that if he is in the living room, that is where we will be doing some of the stuff we would never normally get time to do. I am actually looking forward to this quality time with my children and they are equally up for it.
Your comment about it being easier to handle when your husband is passed out resonates so well with me as did the comment of looking at him and fantasizing about him being dead. It's such a comfort to know that other people have these feelings aswell and a sign to me that I still need to do alot of work on my own thinking. Detaching I can do - detaching with love is still a work in progress, but each day I am taking baby steps to get there and eventually all those baby steps add up to real progress.
I wish you well in your area of the world wherever that is and hope that you and your children can find some peace and serenity.
Joanne x
Detaching is so much easier to do when there isn't a Pandemic....(strange to write/type that, yet true)! I can vividly remember the knot in my stomach on the ride home when I was working outside the home. I could feel a physical change within me, and without intent, my car ride home would slow greatly as I approached my driveway. I always projected what I would find (and it was never positive) and was filled with absolute dread and fear.
My sponsor suggested I 'change what I could' and so I began to reach out to her or another program friend for my ride home. It seemed to fill me with just enough program and distract me just enough from my own thoughts to help me settle before going in. As I look back and reflect, nobody died, the house did not burn to the ground and even though it was messy and chaotic at times, we did all survive.
Trial and error has worked wonders for me. I do know that my guys will not follow me into 3 places - the laundry room, the bathroom and the pantry. All 3 have been escape places for me where I could pause and pray before I proceeded to the next right thing. I also know that when I couldn't leave, earbuds and the vacuum cleaner were often my friend. I love long walks and found those very helpful. Again, trial and error were my friend to find what worked well for me and my recovery. Over time, I learned how to actually detach from others, while remaining in the same area/room. When we are spiritually fit, I believe we can and will thrive under any circumstance.
So - keep doing what you're doing and trust your program and your progress! People who live alone are more experienced at 'social distancing'- those of us with loved ones/family present -- not so much. One day at a time has been golden for me as we hunker down here. (((Hugs)))
Thanks for your honest shares. I can so relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have been dreading this shut down as well being home all day every day with my AH and my daughter. Thankfully it hasn't been so bad. My AH goes up and down with his drinking so even when there is a lul I've learned not to rely on it for too long since it is a disease that will rear it's ugly head eventually. I try to stay completely out of it and leave it to him and his business. Not to say I haven't intervened when it comes to my daughter or my own sanity. My strategies for dealing with my AH were to go to face to face meetings, get out and do things like the gym or get together with friends etc. All that went away now that we are all together in the house. I've had to find other ways to keep my sanity. I've developed a bit of a schedule for myself (other people have joined for some of it and that is ok with me). I go for an hour walk a day to get some fresh air and exercise. I set aside some time to read in the bedroom alone. I am journaling and I'm keeping in touch with my friends from my group and my sponsor and sponsee are lifesavers. I've had to up my program tools during this time. Not to mention the concern and real fear of the virus in my city the program has helped me with that too. Wishing you all the best during this challenging time and remember this too shall pass.
Tonight we did not get into a fight about it (although we came close; he fell asleep/passed out before it could get to that stage). I'm just sad that things are going this way. He already had mental issues unrelated to alcohol that make everything worse. One of my best friends' parents has come down with a terminal brain tumor. I find it ironic that my friend is of course pursuing every possible treatment known and unknown in a herculean effort to help her parent have a good quality of life and my AH thinks this is great, but when it comes to "lets try to help you find a way out of this alcohol mess - let's get some professional help" he just shuts it down faster than you can imagine. Even though alcohol is going to be every bit as terminal as a brain tumor - it's just going to take a bit longer. He thinks he should be able to "handle it himself". I realize now that that is the booze talking. Because if it was as easy as choosing not to eat guacamole when you go to a Mexican restaurant, it wouldn't be alcoholism. And if he can "handle it alone", he can effectively "erase" the label from his life.
I'm trying to just see this objectively and not make it a character flaw. (Because I'll tell you it sure feels like one right now.) Like, if my friend's parent could make the brain tumor go away by just eating a better diet, I'm sure they would do that. But they can't, and I would never expect them to pursue that route for any length of time. So I am looking at my AH and thinking, "he has brain damage. His ability to see that the path to freedom is right in front of his face has been diminished. Can't fix him. Must simply do what is necessary to protect self and children."
This is a horrid place to be. I could not feel less married than if I were single and hadn't had a date in years. At least I would still have my imagination.
*********
In other news, we finally got a confirmed case of COVID in my county. The patient location is about 10 min from my house, but our county/town is very small and there are only a couple of places in town you go for groceries etc. so the chances that we'll have community spread within days is pretty high. I pray that things don't go as bad as they could. I pray that everyone on this board stays safe and free of the contagion.
I am sorry to hear about your best friend's parent. While your friend is doing all she can to help -- the parent is "willing" and wants to get better. There is the enigmatic, missing, X-factor with our situation with the alcoholic. Alcoholism is a baffling, cunning, enigmatic, insidious, mystifying, and often unexplainable disease. You are absolutely being objective...and it is not a character flaw...and you are being very healthy! Your attitude and perspective is one of a healthy person! I admire you. That said, yes, it is a horrid place to be. I've been there, done that, and hated being there and how it made me feel. I've sat right next to my wife...and never felt more alone in my entire life. I've been in a marriage, and felt like I had a roommate who I could not stand. I've lived with someone who I eventually couldn't stand seeing. My life became filled with, let's see...anger, rage, resentment, jealousy, envy, fear, desperation, hopelessness, helplessness, control, wanting to be right, and more. I arrived at a point, where I just couldn't stand it for another minute. There it was. Rock bottom. That's when I started. I was ready. I made a conscious decision and commitment to do whatever it took to get better. Period. No excuses, no distractions, no nonsense, no nothing. Just doing whatever it took to get better. Period. Two friends of mine "found" me a sponsor, a real legend in the alanon program. We talked. He told me that in 30 days, what I was feeling, thinking, etc., could be gone...if, and only if, I was willing. I went to 30 in 30. Actually, it was 60 in 30. I did what he told me. We talked every single day. More than once a day. We met 3 times a week. 30 days later, I had a clarity and awareness that I never could have imagined. I felt better. Everything I was feeling was gone. But I still wasn't better. I just wasn't any longer at rock bottom. That progress that I made in 30 days showed me, proved to me, that I COULD GET BETTER. That's when I started. On day 30 we spoke, and he said to me...now you are ready to truly get better. And we started. We started doing the work right then and there. We started working the program, actively, proactively, and deliberately. We did the work earnestly, passionately, and vigorously. We did it purposely and intently.
I am definitive, certain, he saved my life. Today, I have a life I could never ever have dreamed of, hoped for, or even imagined.
All the best Fedora. Lean into your program. Rely on it. Use it. And work it. Keep the focus on YOU. Do it, and keep doing it.
I text with a variety of groups all day, every day - all of which has increased as we're all practicing social distancing. I finally admitted yesterday that after close to 2 weeks, I am ready to send my AH off to another's home so they are less lonely! We actually chucked about it - it's just a revised normal that nobody is prepared for. Yes, when married with family, we all spend time together, often seeking quality time! When we are forced into quantity times, it's really easy to be on edge and feel all consumed!
We have the most cases in our county for our state and most of it is community spread. I'm in an area where schools have been closed for several weeks and are closed through the end of the school year. We have also been proactively practicing social distancing and I think, compared to other areas, it has slowed the progression. In spite of all this, our area has issued a stay at home order for 30 days, starting on Tuesday. There will be criminal charges, fines, etc. for those violating. I am grateful our local leadership is taking extreme measures to try to deter the spread of the virus.
Stay distant, stay safe and trust your HP, program, tools, etc. Love and light - you are not alone!
I desperately wish that he could give AA a chance. I feel like ALAnon has been a lifesaver to me and has brought benefit to my life in so many ways. So many ways that I think he would find so comforting. But oh well. I just wanted to say that out loud once, and I'm not going to say it anymore.
Fedora - as you put it - you are most certainly not alone as all the people on this board will testify.
Also, I wanted to thank you, as I am also stuck in a house with my active AH so for me the mere fact of knowing that there is someone else, somewhere else in this world who is in a similar situation to me is hugely comforting.
Luckily the weather in my part of the world (UK) is sunny (for a change) and so I can at least get out into the garden. I am practicising lots of detachment and for me what makes the difference is saying to myself that detaching is what I can use right here, right now while I am working on a longer term solution. Knowing that detachment can just be a short term solution rather than a way of living for the rest of my life has really helped my mindset. I haven't quite managed the detach 'with love' part - it's more detach with distance (even if it just in another room)!
You say that you can do something about you and it is clear that you are working that already, which is fantastic. Please do keep us updated on progress and wishing you a peaceful day today. Joanne x
But it doesn't change anything, it just makes me miserable.
Take your vacation today, don't put it off. My AH used to be so noisy in the house, TV blaring, etc. so I would shut myself off in the front room, door closed, and whenever he walked in and saw me in meditation pose, he'd just quietly walk out and leave me in (((peace))) Go to any lengths to get it, and stay well.
That aside, I love "attachment" is imprisonment...and YES!!! It is up to me to release myself from the imprisonment! Love that. Thank you!!!