I am thinking of Betty this morning. This writing is offered up to her.
Todays reading is about the complicated nature of detaching with love. The writer describes that having seen the successful recovery program of her father, she prayed for the same for her life partner. When he joined AA and got sober she figured her prayers were answered. He then returned to a former girlfriend. The woman was left trying to sort out her feelings of love for the man, happiness for his recovery in progress, and devastation that he had left her. The reading offers that the feelings of disappointment and resentment will bind us, and releasing those feelings through detachment can free us.
The important takeaway for me from this page is that it is possible (and healthier) to love someone deeply, while still detaching from longing, disappointment, resentment, etc. I have also noticed that detaching is a helpful reminder that I dont control another person in any way. The thought for the day adds that when we are able to detach from pain that results in the loss of a relationship, we can find solace in knowing that we always have the consistent presence of our HP in our lives.
I hope everyone enjoys the peaceful start to March.
Mary
Lyne said
Mar 1, 2020
Thank you Mary for your service. I find detaching with my A is a work in progress, and especially detaching with love.
Detaching from people and animals I have lost through death takes time. But it is a huge help having HP and program walking along the path with me. Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 1, 2020
Thank you Mary for your service. What a wonderful way to rejoice in the life that Betty led... by dedicating The Daily to her!
I have come back to revisit Detachment, as my ExAH has stopped his Recovery journey and has taken up self-destructive behaviors again. I KNOW that his life is no longer my business. I have spoken with his family, and they say his brain is damaged from all the substances and he will not get help. He is fully down the rabbit hole of addiction again. They are now embracing the Al-Anon principles and understand that his choices are his to make and suffer the consequences.
But it saddens me all the same. Before Addiction, this was a wonderful, loving, funny man! He would literally give you the shirt off his back to help another. I had accepted the "short-coming" in me that would not accept him as he was - always living w/possible relapses. But I guess I had some sort of "dream" that I and my Kid would be free of the chaos, that Ex would stay w/Recovery, find someone to share his life, and we would all interact in a healthy way. I am grieving the loss in the world (and yes, in some ways in my life) of a healthy, funny, and caring man.
Sometimes Life does not play fair! I am dealing with this fact on many, many levels today.
HP - Be with me today. Cradle me in your loving hands. Help me to accept. Help me to understand that there is always Hope. I am grateful for you.
&
Iamhere said
Mar 1, 2020
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you MIP family for your shares and ESH. I'm still processing the news of Betty's passing and as always, life is happening around me. My youngest has finally moved out today into an apartment with a friend. While he is not in recovery, he has matured a bit, held a job for more than a year, had a few promotions, etc. Life for him is going much, much better! I am relieved that we are no longer room-mates because we are just not compatible! It's an age/stage thing + gender + ................... The point - neither of us would pick the other for a room-mate!
I am grateful for the many gifts we get when we work recovery, and detachment has really helped me stay in my own lane and fully appreciate that being powerless over other people, places and things is an asset vs. a liability. Knowing today that I only am responsible for my own words, actions, deeds and not those of others brings tons of comfort when 'life' gets messy!
PnP - I am sorry to hear the news about your Ex....there is no shame at all in feeling badly for where he's at! Detaching doesn't mean love ceases/stops, it just is intended to help us remain centered when others are not. I love that you end your share with the thought of hope - it's what I also hold onto. So long as there is breathe, there is hope - I am a big believer! I too have had to grieve the human/person that 'was' before active addiction arrived. For me, there was a long while when that grief was loud, ever-present, overwhelming with my boys. Yet, as I've worked on me and recovery and put my trust in a power greater than I, I can recall the good/better times more often than the alternative. Time takes time! Time does offer healing for us all - this has been my experience.
I love that you've dedicated the daily to Betty Mary - made my heart smile! Love and light to all of us - enjoy the rest of Sunday!
mamalioness said
Mar 1, 2020
Mary, thank you for this lovely share...As I process the loss of my friend/mentor/sponsor, I dedicated today to feeling the feelings, being with my feelings and you know?? I was able to give GRATITUDE, go figure, me the angry one, giving gratitude for the love I shared with Betty all these years, the loving support I always got from her but yet, life is fluid...it keeps going...puppies found a new stuffed toy in their backyard and we had to have a "go" at tug o war with that ugly, ole torn up toy, I think it was a stuffed dog at one time
and I got work coming in , 2 clients i'll do out of my house, their books/taxes and then 2 on location and so yea, gotta take care of whats in front of me and lovingly let go when I am called upon by life to let go...to give her back to LOVE in the universe ....
Mary, it was so thoughtful of you to dedicate this share to Betty...From her happy place, she is smiling, I am sure....Later on, when all the "work tomorrow" people leave the gym to get early to bed, I'll go for a run and a swim and then next week is gonna be bizzzzzzzzzzy for me!!!!! slogan???? EASY DOES IT!!!!! slow down, do one thing at a time and be mindful, Pace myself..Rest when needed... In a way I am glad i am "piled up" with work this coming week because it will help me make much needed income and I will do something positive....
thank you for your service..............
Maresie888 said
Mar 3, 2020
I realised today that for so many years I did not know what detachment was.
I was completely enmeshed my entire life
I had no clue what detachment was
Betty's death is on top of the suicide if one of my friends a few years ago that completely threw me
He was the last person I expected to do that
Detachment is a hard one for me
When I cane into this program I had been in a long relationship with someone for 8 years. His decline was astonishing
His decklne has continued and he recently had a DUI. I am so grateful to no longer get enmeshed with him
I cane in contact recently with a former neighbor of mine who is also on a downward trajectory. I had no idea when she was my neighbor that she was using substances.
My neighbor has the same form of belligerence that is now so familiar tone
I am treading water right now waiting to re occuoy my apartment. That will be in.a month
In the meantime my income gas dipped because if matters outside of my control.
This is the calamity that it once was
Nevertheless I am struggling hard to work through all this.
On top of that I also have to get a tooth pulled tomorrow.
Hard times and not much to look forward to. Everytime I get a plan together it is like skittles something else comes along to knock it all down
Maresie
Bo said
Mar 3, 2020
Thank you very much Mary. I greatly appreciate your post and the insight you gave.
The feelings of disappointment and resentment do bind us. For many, they never see it, realize it, or even become aware of it. Yes, detachment, for me both physical and emotional, helped me accept those feelings, surrender to them, and ultimately let go of them. That was my freedom, and it was so freeing. I felt like I no longer carried around -- like a weight around my neck -- those feelings. Ironically, while I was, I was intentionally doing so. I wanted to. It became part of who I was. And, when I was, I had no idea. It was others, objectivity and accountability, along with truly doing the work...that allowed me to see it and realize it.
I ended a long-term relationship, one where I knew the woman for half my life. I had to end it, for many reasons, to allow her to experience what she was going to experience, on her own, to feel the consequences of her own actions and decisions, and simply, to hit rock bottom. I also had to end the relationship so that I could be with me. Be alone. Actually have no one else or their "stuff" going on in my life. I had to be alone. I had to do this...simply so I could do the work! I had to focus solely and exclusively on me, working the steps, doing BFP, PTR, and really just getting my own peace, serenity, and to some extent, my sanity back. In my experience, if you are so deep in -- the drama, the chaos, the turmoil, the havoc, the non-stop roller-coaster ride -- then no matter how many meetings you go to, no matter how many readings, you do, no matter what else you do...you cannot get better. That "life" becomes too much to bear and you can't focus on your own recovery.
Regardless, yes, you can love someone, very deeply, with all of your heart...but at the same time, detachment, space, distance, and even ending the relationship might be necessary for your own well-being. Sometimes, for your own sanity, and even survival. Yes, you can detach from the longing, the wanting, as well as the disappointment, anger, resentment, and everything else that is not healthy for you. When I was able to detach -- and feel the pain -- accept, surrender, and let go, I was able to focus on myself and immediately see that I did the next right thing in front of me. I did what was best and healthiest for me. I did what was needed. During those moments, I felt and saw the alanon program in my life as a constant. The alanon program was in my life...and I got better.
Maresie888 said
Mar 3, 2020
I believe I have a different understanding of traumatic bonding now
There is a stickiness to that kind of pain when it is unresolved in you
I am at my.most self reliant now and I have to say I am far less resentful as a result of that
The self reliance comes along with boundaries where there were none before.
I.still feel like I am on.survival though it is just a different level of survival
When I came into this program I.was suicidal. I could not imagine being separated from the now ex A. He was that imprinted on me. By that time we had not had even one day in years
I resented his addiction deeply on an hour by hour basis. My own response to it was to be even more immersed with him
Maresie
Good morning everyone-
I am thinking of Betty this morning. This writing is offered up to her.
Todays reading is about the complicated nature of detaching with love. The writer describes that having seen the successful recovery program of her father, she prayed for the same for her life partner. When he joined AA and got sober she figured her prayers were answered. He then returned to a former girlfriend. The woman was left trying to sort out her feelings of love for the man, happiness for his recovery in progress, and devastation that he had left her. The reading offers that the feelings of disappointment and resentment will bind us, and releasing those feelings through detachment can free us.
The important takeaway for me from this page is that it is possible (and healthier) to love someone deeply, while still detaching from longing, disappointment, resentment, etc. I have also noticed that detaching is a helpful reminder that I dont control another person in any way. The thought for the day adds that when we are able to detach from pain that results in the loss of a relationship, we can find solace in knowing that we always have the consistent presence of our HP in our lives.
I hope everyone enjoys the peaceful start to March.
Mary
Detaching from people and animals I have lost through death takes time. But it is a huge help having HP and program walking along the path with me. Lyne
Thank you Mary for your service. What a wonderful way to rejoice in the life that Betty led... by dedicating The Daily to her!
I have come back to revisit Detachment, as my ExAH has stopped his Recovery journey and has taken up self-destructive behaviors again. I KNOW that his life is no longer my business. I have spoken with his family, and they say his brain is damaged from all the substances and he will not get help. He is fully down the rabbit hole of addiction again. They are now embracing the Al-Anon principles and understand that his choices are his to make and suffer the consequences.
But it saddens me all the same. Before Addiction, this was a wonderful, loving, funny man! He would literally give you the shirt off his back to help another. I had accepted the "short-coming" in me that would not accept him as he was - always living w/possible relapses. But I guess I had some sort of "dream" that I and my Kid would be free of the chaos, that Ex would stay w/Recovery, find someone to share his life, and we would all interact in a healthy way. I am grieving the loss in the world (and yes, in some ways in my life) of a healthy, funny, and caring man.
Sometimes Life does not play fair! I am dealing with this fact on many, many levels today.
HP - Be with me today. Cradle me in your loving hands. Help me to accept. Help me to understand that there is always Hope. I am grateful for you.
I am grateful for the many gifts we get when we work recovery, and detachment has really helped me stay in my own lane and fully appreciate that being powerless over other people, places and things is an asset vs. a liability. Knowing today that I only am responsible for my own words, actions, deeds and not those of others brings tons of comfort when 'life' gets messy!
PnP - I am sorry to hear the news about your Ex....there is no shame at all in feeling badly for where he's at! Detaching doesn't mean love ceases/stops, it just is intended to help us remain centered when others are not. I love that you end your share with the thought of hope - it's what I also hold onto. So long as there is breathe, there is hope - I am a big believer! I too have had to grieve the human/person that 'was' before active addiction arrived. For me, there was a long while when that grief was loud, ever-present, overwhelming with my boys. Yet, as I've worked on me and recovery and put my trust in a power greater than I, I can recall the good/better times more often than the alternative. Time takes time! Time does offer healing for us all - this has been my experience.
I love that you've dedicated the daily to Betty Mary - made my heart smile! Love and light to all of us - enjoy the rest of Sunday!
and I got work coming in , 2 clients i'll do out of my house, their books/taxes and then 2 on location and so yea, gotta take care of whats in front of me and lovingly let go when I am called upon by life to let go...to give her back to LOVE in the universe ....
Mary, it was so thoughtful of you to dedicate this share to Betty...From her happy place, she is smiling, I am sure....Later on, when all the "work tomorrow" people leave the gym to get early to bed, I'll go for a run and a swim and then next week is gonna be bizzzzzzzzzzy for me!!!!! slogan???? EASY DOES IT!!!!! slow down, do one thing at a time and be mindful, Pace myself..Rest when needed... In a way I am glad i am "piled up" with work this coming week because it will help me make much needed income and I will do something positive....
thank you for your service..............
The feelings of disappointment and resentment do bind us. For many, they never see it, realize it, or even become aware of it. Yes, detachment, for me both physical and emotional, helped me accept those feelings, surrender to them, and ultimately let go of them. That was my freedom, and it was so freeing. I felt like I no longer carried around -- like a weight around my neck -- those feelings. Ironically, while I was, I was intentionally doing so. I wanted to. It became part of who I was. And, when I was, I had no idea. It was others, objectivity and accountability, along with truly doing the work...that allowed me to see it and realize it.
I ended a long-term relationship, one where I knew the woman for half my life. I had to end it, for many reasons, to allow her to experience what she was going to experience, on her own, to feel the consequences of her own actions and decisions, and simply, to hit rock bottom. I also had to end the relationship so that I could be with me. Be alone. Actually have no one else or their "stuff" going on in my life. I had to be alone. I had to do this...simply so I could do the work! I had to focus solely and exclusively on me, working the steps, doing BFP, PTR, and really just getting my own peace, serenity, and to some extent, my sanity back. In my experience, if you are so deep in -- the drama, the chaos, the turmoil, the havoc, the non-stop roller-coaster ride -- then no matter how many meetings you go to, no matter how many readings, you do, no matter what else you do...you cannot get better. That "life" becomes too much to bear and you can't focus on your own recovery.
Regardless, yes, you can love someone, very deeply, with all of your heart...but at the same time, detachment, space, distance, and even ending the relationship might be necessary for your own well-being. Sometimes, for your own sanity, and even survival. Yes, you can detach from the longing, the wanting, as well as the disappointment, anger, resentment, and everything else that is not healthy for you. When I was able to detach -- and feel the pain -- accept, surrender, and let go, I was able to focus on myself and immediately see that I did the next right thing in front of me. I did what was best and healthiest for me. I did what was needed. During those moments, I felt and saw the alanon program in my life as a constant. The alanon program was in my life...and I got better.