I hope you are of good spirits. I need help, please. I have been out of an emotionally abusive marriage now for 6 years but lately have been what I am calling 'invaded' with bad dreams of situations I suffered while in the marriage.
I have done so much work on myself and have found my value, my worth and my love of self. I know now I deserve someone who would celebrate my qualities and not set out to try to destroy me but I am being invaded by the past and I am challenging the stinking thinking and talking to myself over and over. I am having a lot of anxiety about the invasion as I do not understand the interruption. I feel I have grown so much but I see now I am not healed properly and still have unfinished business clearly.
Has anyone had similar experiences? Can anyone help me by sharing their experience with me, please?
Thank you for your time. I wish you all a lovely day. Kez
Temple said
Mar 1, 2020
Dear Kez,
I for sure do not know, and feel certain that your HP is looking out for you and you will know soon.
Two questions that popped up to me: Are you in a safe enough place now that you can deal with some things that you couldn't have before to as great a degree?
And--is there something that is going on--perhaps on the edge of your life, or in the life of someone close to you that is bringing up memories? Something below your consciousness? Check your feelings? Anything making you a little uncomfortable or agitated? Anything you would prefer to skirt around? Any person who takes up more time in your head that the situation would seem to warrant?
I have no idea if any of this is the least bit helpful. I do know that you sound solid and as someone with a lot of recovery.
Blessings,
Temple
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 1, 2020
Welcome Kez,
I am sorry that you have been affected by the collateral damage of Addiction, but happy to see you here. You sound incredibly healthy! You have been working on YOU! It sounds evident!
So yes, I can see why these dreams have been troubling you and invading the Peace you have carved out for yourself.
Temple is onto something... many times, our brain will protect ourselves by filtering out negative things we've experienced. When we become "safe" the brain can loosen it's grip on those experiences and they begin to come to the surface - seemingly when all is calm - sometimes years later (as was described by my therapist)!
Since I am not a doctor or a therapist, nor a psychologist, I cannot speak to your precise symptoms. But I have found help with similar things through BioSound and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)Therapy. My therapist says it is "cutting edge" therapy for PTSD, and I found lots of positive results when I did my research after she first proposed this treatment to me (I am a research nut). The best thing is, once you learn how, you can use these techniques at home, away from the therapist's office!
Wishing you some peace and tranquility this Sunday.
&
JerryF said
Mar 1, 2020
Aloha Kez and welcome to the board. Yeppers it sound like work still needing to be done as I found out when I came to understand how powerful and debilitating the disease of alcoholism and addiction really was. I just recently (2 days ago) was taken back by triggers to past issues as was mentioned in our definition in Alcoholism. "It affects the MIND..BODY..SPIRIT..AND EMOTIONS". Yes it does and I have to re-inventory what it was like, what happened and what it is like now in my relationships with people, places and things with me and this disease.
I was born into the disease; both sides of my family including my own personal participation. I have been to college regarding alcoholism and drug addictions and ought not forget what I have learned. We have been powerfully affected. Additionally I am formerly a therapist who counseled families and individuals adults and adolescents and more and still remain a carrier of the disease with the only deterrent against it's powerful negative affects to my life being my program and how steadily and consciously I work it on a daily basis.
I have been in recovery for 41 years and got relapsed 2 days ago and maybe to prepare myself for your post. I need to remind myself that I carry the disease and that it's symptoms do not completely disappear so I must be aware with all of the tools Al-Anon and AA and my HP have afforded me since 2/8/1979.
Mahalo for dropping by and joining in. I hope to see more ESH from you in the future. (((((hugs)))))
tiredtonite said
Mar 1, 2020
My experience has been that at times what's unresolved for me in my awake hours can manifest as dreams during sleep. Some are not particularly disturbing others are. Often their root at least for me is fear I haven't given over to my higher power. Talking it out with someone in the program, journalling about my fears and talking with hp are good tools for me to release fears. If something is really plaguing me emotionally and impacting my day to day living, I have tried to seek out community resources beyond Alanon and make use of them. It's empowering to take actions on behalf of my well-being. Alanon has taught me there is no shame in admitting what I don't know, asking for a little extra help to gain or regain emotional and physical balance. Where my fears are false evidence appearing real or based in facts as they presently are, reading more spiritual readings brings comfort. That action helps as a reminder that a power greater than myself is loving and caring for me and positively guiding my life especially when feelings of fear or hopelessness arise. I'm not alone. I have added nurturing activities to my daily life - being of service even in a small way is a wonderful distraction from my own fears. Also, activities that relax me are helpful physically and emotionally empowering. For instance, I find yoga with soothing music in early evening to be a great stress reliever, mind and body strengthener that connects me to my hp. I sleep peacefully when I keep with this practice. We all come to Alanon with our own histories so please just take what you like and leave the rest. This is just my experience with unsettling dreams and things that have worked for me. I hope you find answers that work for you and bring you serenity. (((hugs))) TT
2HP said
Mar 1, 2020
Keep going back to what has worked! Keep flexing those muscles. I have been in recovery for years, trained to do inventory every time a resentment pops up.. I have countless notebooks filled with recovery work, some have already been destroyed... but that doesn't stop my brain from doing its thing!
The brain stores memory. It often just re-minds me of the past.
If there is lingering resentment, I know and visit (or re-visit) that.. dig a little deeper.
Today I have choices, I can ruminate on old tapes... go over it again and again... talk talk talk... keep the past and the pain alive
Or I can give my Higher Power more attention and importance... take a mindful walk or deep meditation, etc. ( an action of Let Go Let God).
How important is it? only YOU can know if doing more excavation work will help free you of the past... or if the disease is just trying to steal your joy, it happens (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 1st of March 2020 03:09:36 PM
Kez said
Mar 2, 2020
Hello dear ones. Thank you 2HP, tiredtonite, JerryF, Posies and Puppies, and Temple for sharing your experiences and strengths with me. Each touched me deeply and brought me comfort. Aloha and thank you JerryF for helping me feel not so alone in my hour of need through your sharing. I think 'Posies and Puppies' that you make a good point in helping me to see how the grip can loosen from the 'safe' and, as I shall share below, I can see through your words that when there is a crack like there is for me presently in my life and mind, my peace is threatened. Temple, thank you for your concern for me. Please be assured I am in a safe, new environment where love abides.
My God's timing is perfect...He is nearly early and rarely late but I believe He has my best interests at heart and perhaps He is saying to me, 'it's time'.
In my reference to His timing, I made a momentous life change at the end of last year. I ended my teaching role at a school I had been with for eight years. I had no work/life balance. I rarely saw my beloved family, my youngest daughter would say to me 'Mum, I know when I have you and when I don't'. and all my family have told me how worried they were for me as they felt powerless to help me. They didn't know how to.
I would take a day off to travel the two hours to see her and the little ones and her husband and work all day the next day upon my return to get ready for my teaching week ahead and no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I did, there was always much more sitting there waiting to be done.
This beautiful daughter had been pregnant two years before when she and her husband found out he had cancer. They had two small boys and our world collapsed with that phone call. She is always going to be my hero for how she managed that time of their lives. With blessing, he beat cancer and is well and happy that his beard has returned as well as his hair.
Their third little boy waited for his daddy to be through his treatment before he decided to come into our world by being 11 days late (Chemo prevents any contact with the bodily fluid so it meant that his daddy could not be at his birth if he was not past the safety point). We were worried that the baby would have picked up on his mum's anxiety and worry but a sweeter, happier, more contented, serene, blessed child you could ever hope for came into our family. He is a true miracle for we know now that his dad had cancer when he was conceived. As my daughter says, 'he is ''delicious'' and great joy and our little angel.
I add that story because it is relative to my decision to leave my work last year. I learned that people are so much more important than things and while I love what I do so very much and the children I teach, I loved Me and my family more. I know cancer - it is the thief, just like the alcoholism that stole my childhood and threatened our sanity was. It shows mercy but it also says no to others. It showed mercy to us with the miracle we have which is two-fold - three little boys have a daddy as well as a mummy.
My family is with me in my decision. My beautiful, two adult daughters said, 'mum, you jump and we will jump with you'. They are supporting me, offering me encouragement, grateful that I made the decision and helping me keep the faith that 'it will all be okay'. I love them for it all but lately, anxiety has crept in for my uncertain future. I have grown anxious and although I know for Me I made the wrong decision, I have also grown scared for I am a single person.
I thought perhaps the invasion was God showing me that although I have an unknown future, it is far, far better than where I was back over my shoulder. God is showing me, through my dreams, what I once denied within the relationship, 'the ugly'. I kept seeing two different people in my husband and wanted him to be the good. He wasn't. The good side was the fake and the beast was the true. Basically I ignored the ugly. I had no worth, no sense of esteem, value or care and but for my family, would have faded away, my spirit was dying. (gosh, it makes me feel terribly sad to see myself as that person right now as I get the image but I thank my God every day for saving me. (He did for me what I could not do for myself).
It's taken me years to become weller and I have so much hope for myself. My mum, who is a program person says "I am in the hallway with windows, to see the sunsets and the birds. She says that when one door closes, another will open but at the moment, I am in the hallway with the windows and maybe this is time for me to enjoy doing things for me that is life things rather than the continuous work I did all the time". I love her for that faith.
Sometimes I tell her I am hanging onto her faith because I am low in mine because the doubts creep in...' did I do the right thing?.... I return to the same answer when I contemplate this question - Yes. I know the stress I was going through last year. I know the time I wasn't with my people. I had no life other than work and I could not find my life. It Has to matter, I Have to matter. (These statements have taken so long to verbalise because I have had to learn the difference of 'loving yourself' and 'Love Of Self'...for me, one is vanity, the other is LOVE and my God Loves Me as I do as others do.
I am able to have quiet times now where once just the thought was an impossible concept to fathom. I like to think it is a meditation for me. It is usually always with nature.
Blessed 2HP, thank you for sharing your treasured words - I shall be using them as another sentence onmirror-in-the-bathroom - ''the disease is just trying to steal your joy'' and then I might ask my mum how she does what she says sometimes, "give the disease a good kick up the guts".
I have learned to have a deep respect for the disease I have been affected by. I do not believe it wants us to be well, to heal or to be happy.
I still carry an image of myself, like I am now with 2HP's helpful words. I see ....'I am in a boxing ring with two of me. In one corner, the recovering, one day/moment at a time Me and in the other corner, the old, angry, resentful, sick Me. I have coaches in the recovering corner - My God, My Program Philosophies and teachings, my loved ones, the other corner has the disease in all its glory and darkness for a coach and its mean, spiteful, cruel and wants to suck the soul out of me..to destroy me, my life, my relationships, and my hope, my faith, my love.
I think the bell just donged for round two. Wish me luck'.
Have a blessed day and may your God be with you today.
Kez
Iamhere said
Mar 2, 2020
(((Kez))) - thank you for your hopeful, honest share! I'm glad you're here and hope you stick around! Love and light to you!
Aloha said
Mar 2, 2020
I don't have too much to add to the discussion - only relating and actually enjoying the answers being given.
I have vivid dreams every night. EVERY. NIGHT. I think mostly it's due to a medication I take, so I can partially blame that - but my dreams are often bizarre and stressful. Sometimes nightmares. And yes, sometimes old situations crop back up. I often have dreams where I move back in with an abusive ex from long ago in my past. Sometimes I have dreams of being back together with my ex husband. Sometimes I dream about my old job that I was laid off from. Other annoying recurring dreams are where I'm back in high school and I find out I'm just a week from graduation and I'm failing a class or two because I neglected to attend them the whole year. Clearly my subconscious is working through things, despite my feeling that I've worked through them already on a conscious level.
Usually, my solution with these dreams has been to ask God to remove them. And actually, this has been working pretty well, as I've not had these kind of dreams for quite some time since I asked for God's intervention.
But, I like what what suggested about reviewing the situation in the dream and actually doing an active inventory on it. I know dreams aren't real, but wow they can hold me captive regardless - even long after I've awakened and realized I was only dreaming. Sometimes I can be angry or scared or depressed after experiencing such dreams. I think inventorying may help weed out what my subconscious is trying to work through.
Thanks for the topic.
Temple said
Mar 2, 2020
Well, Bless your heart--I think anybody might be having some bad dreams with all that going on.
Did you notice the Freudian slip? "although I know for Me I made the wrong decision, I have also grown scared for I am a single person."
I am glad you came on to share. There are people on here with lots of recovery who will give you great ESH. As for me, I can certainly empathize with having conflicted thoughts.
Hugs,
Temple
Maresie888 said
Mar 3, 2020
I was in a pretty abusive relationship fir 8.years. That is what qualified me for this group
I have regular flashbacks to that time
That relationship was many years ago. It has taken a long time to build my life back up
I think it's perfectly normal to have flashbacks
Al.anon can be a tremendous help
Maresie
2HP said
Mar 4, 2020
@Kez, the greatest service I get from fellowship is a sincere share on diligent care of mind body and spirit. So, receive my love and gratitude for sharing how you do just that (((hugs)))
I so relate to your thoughts and experiences... the waiting in the hallway is very difficult. yet can recall all the times I just keep my focus and devotion on HP and finding nothing else mattered more. that developing relationship is the ultimate happiness. (They had told me to never put the cart ahead of the horse - the material before the spiritual. and I am convinced that is how some wonderful things have unfolded in my life.)
After my divorce, I did go through a period of feeling jealous of the PDA I saw between couples at the park or the grocery store.. comparing my insides to their outsides. My sponsor helped me to get over that selfish jealousy and start blessing the good I was seeing (although she insisted we never really knew what was happening behind closed doors. an alcoholic relationship can be very deceiving.)
I also relate to the battlefield of the mind. my sponsor would say, "in every good person there is some bad and in every bad person there is some good." So yes, like you, I see two forces sitting inside my mind, and I have choices. Simple. but not always easy, lol
I don't wish to minimize how daily inventory work shook me to my core and became a gold mine for me. so that today, whenever thoughts of my abusive former husband come up, I just send him love and blessings. Just for today, the work feels complete regarding our relationship. melted away are my old feelings of victimhood, I gained more control just by taking responsibility in the areas I needed to, protects me from repeating those errors. what a gift.
Anyway, I came to revisit this thread today because last night I awoke from a rare nightmare!! I dreamed I looked at my nightstand, saw my cell phone and alarm clock missing... looked across the room and thought I saw the shadow of someone about to shoot me. my heart was racing but after a second, I turned on the light. what a shock it was only a dream, triggered by mere thoughts, isn't that something?!
The nightmare was likely triggered by my bedtime story (I like to read about the lives of the saints after meditation, before I turn off the light ) And last night, I read about Mahatma Gandhi's incredible life and how he died... shot 3 times by a madman. Yet as he was falling to the ground, he raised his hands in blessing and forgiveness... toward the shooter (((goosebumps)))
I was able to go back to sleep quickly by using the steps.... powerless over my brain... but with persistent, continuous turning... turning to devotional whispers for my HP... I was out.
Praise for how it works, helpless without the support of Higher Power, ever present.
Maresie888 said
Mar 4, 2020
I.have to say one of the ways I beat myself up is with the #shoulds#
Boundaries have been realky hard for me
Recovering from PTSD is very hard
I also worked full time. In fact in the last few years I worked more than full time
Sometimes we beat ourselves with a #stick# on the shoulds
Recovery is not a linear event sometimes there is a lot of backing up
Certainky health concerns are a big issue for ne
Today I have dental surgery. I have huge dental issues
I have been working on my teeth for years
Major dental work. At least 4 gum surgeries
I have been in a dental chair every month for years
Then this year I had a whole derailment because I had to move out of my aoarment temporarily. Then the move out was extended another month.
All of my things are in storage Back to day to day. Very trying times. But these days I have no alcoholic in tow to bring even more calamity in there
Life is up and down. Patience is necessary
Patience is a skill just like detachment
Maresie
Hello everyone,
I hope you are of good spirits. I need help, please. I have been out of an emotionally abusive marriage now for 6 years but lately have been what I am calling 'invaded' with bad dreams of situations I suffered while in the marriage.
I have done so much work on myself and have found my value, my worth and my love of self. I know now I deserve someone who would celebrate my qualities and not set out to try to destroy me but I am being invaded by the past and I am challenging the stinking thinking and talking to myself over and over. I am having a lot of anxiety about the invasion as I do not understand the interruption. I feel I have grown so much but I see now I am not healed properly and still have unfinished business clearly.
Has anyone had similar experiences? Can anyone help me by sharing their experience with me, please?
Dear Kez,
I for sure do not know, and feel certain that your HP is looking out for you and you will know soon.
Two questions that popped up to me: Are you in a safe enough place now that you can deal with some things that you couldn't have before to as great a degree?
And--is there something that is going on--perhaps on the edge of your life, or in the life of someone close to you that is bringing up memories? Something below your consciousness? Check your feelings? Anything making you a little uncomfortable or agitated? Anything you would prefer to skirt around? Any person who takes up more time in your head that the situation would seem to warrant?
I have no idea if any of this is the least bit helpful. I do know that you sound solid and as someone with a lot of recovery.
Blessings,
Temple
I am sorry that you have been affected by the collateral damage of Addiction, but happy to see you here. You sound incredibly healthy! You have been working on YOU! It sounds evident!
So yes, I can see why these dreams have been troubling you and invading the Peace you have carved out for yourself.
Temple is onto something... many times, our brain will protect ourselves by filtering out negative things we've experienced. When we become "safe" the brain can loosen it's grip on those experiences and they begin to come to the surface - seemingly when all is calm - sometimes years later (as was described by my therapist)!
Since I am not a doctor or a therapist, nor a psychologist, I cannot speak to your precise symptoms. But I have found help with similar things through BioSound and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)Therapy. My therapist says it is "cutting edge" therapy for PTSD, and I found lots of positive results when I did my research after she first proposed this treatment to me (I am a research nut). The best thing is, once you learn how, you can use these techniques at home, away from the therapist's office!
Wishing you some peace and tranquility this Sunday.
Aloha Kez and welcome to the board. Yeppers it sound like work still needing to be done as I found out when I came to understand how powerful and debilitating the disease of alcoholism and addiction really was. I just recently (2 days ago) was taken back by triggers to past issues as was mentioned in our definition in Alcoholism. "It affects the MIND..BODY..SPIRIT..AND EMOTIONS". Yes it does and I have to re-inventory what it was like, what happened and what it is like now in my relationships with people, places and things with me and this disease.
I was born into the disease; both sides of my family including my own personal participation. I have been to college regarding alcoholism and drug addictions and ought not forget what I have learned. We have been powerfully affected. Additionally I am formerly a therapist who counseled families and individuals adults and adolescents and more and still remain a carrier of the disease with the only deterrent against it's powerful negative affects to my life being my program and how steadily and consciously I work it on a daily basis.
I have been in recovery for 41 years and got relapsed 2 days ago and maybe to prepare myself for your post. I need to remind myself that I carry the disease and that it's symptoms do not completely disappear so I must be aware with all of the tools Al-Anon and AA and my HP have afforded me since 2/8/1979.
Mahalo for dropping by and joining in. I hope to see more ESH from you in the future. (((((hugs)))))
Keep going back to what has worked! Keep flexing those muscles. I have been in recovery for years, trained to do inventory every time a resentment pops up.. I have countless notebooks filled with recovery work, some have already been destroyed... but that doesn't stop my brain from doing its thing!
The brain stores memory. It often just re-minds me of the past.
If there is lingering resentment, I know and visit (or re-visit) that.. dig a little deeper.
Today I have choices, I can ruminate on old tapes... go over it again and again... talk talk talk... keep the past and the pain alive
Or I can give my Higher Power more attention and importance... take a mindful walk or deep meditation, etc. ( an action of Let Go Let God).
How important is it? only YOU can know if doing more excavation work will help free you of the past... or if the disease is just trying to steal your joy, it happens (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 1st of March 2020 03:09:36 PM
Hello dear ones. Thank you 2HP, tiredtonite, JerryF, Posies and Puppies, and Temple for sharing your experiences and strengths with me. Each touched me deeply and brought me comfort. Aloha and thank you JerryF for helping me feel not so alone in my hour of need through your sharing. I think 'Posies and Puppies' that you make a good point in helping me to see how the grip can loosen from the 'safe' and, as I shall share below, I can see through your words that when there is a crack like there is for me presently in my life and mind, my peace is threatened. Temple, thank you for your concern for me. Please be assured I am in a safe, new environment where love abides.
My God's timing is perfect...He is nearly early and rarely late but I believe He has my best interests at heart and perhaps He is saying to me, 'it's time'.
In my reference to His timing, I made a momentous life change at the end of last year. I ended my teaching role at a school I had been with for eight years. I had no work/life balance. I rarely saw my beloved family, my youngest daughter would say to me 'Mum, I know when I have you and when I don't'. and all my family have told me how worried they were for me as they felt powerless to help me. They didn't know how to.
I would take a day off to travel the two hours to see her and the little ones and her husband and work all day the next day upon my return to get ready for my teaching week ahead and no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I did, there was always much more sitting there waiting to be done.
This beautiful daughter had been pregnant two years before when she and her husband found out he had cancer. They had two small boys and our world collapsed with that phone call. She is always going to be my hero for how she managed that time of their lives. With blessing, he beat cancer and is well and happy that his beard has returned as well as his hair.
Their third little boy waited for his daddy to be through his treatment before he decided to come into our world by being 11 days late (Chemo prevents any contact with the bodily fluid so it meant that his daddy could not be at his birth if he was not past the safety point). We were worried that the baby would have picked up on his mum's anxiety and worry but a sweeter, happier, more contented, serene, blessed child you could ever hope for came into our family. He is a true miracle for we know now that his dad had cancer when he was conceived. As my daughter says, 'he is ''delicious'' and great joy and our little angel.
I add that story because it is relative to my decision to leave my work last year. I learned that people are so much more important than things and while I love what I do so very much and the children I teach, I loved Me and my family more. I know cancer - it is the thief, just like the alcoholism that stole my childhood and threatened our sanity was. It shows mercy but it also says no to others. It showed mercy to us with the miracle we have which is two-fold - three little boys have a daddy as well as a mummy.
My family is with me in my decision. My beautiful, two adult daughters said, 'mum, you jump and we will jump with you'. They are supporting me, offering me encouragement, grateful that I made the decision and helping me keep the faith that 'it will all be okay'. I love them for it all but lately, anxiety has crept in for my uncertain future. I have grown anxious and although I know for Me I made the wrong decision, I have also grown scared for I am a single person.
I thought perhaps the invasion was God showing me that although I have an unknown future, it is far, far better than where I was back over my shoulder. God is showing me, through my dreams, what I once denied within the relationship, 'the ugly'. I kept seeing two different people in my husband and wanted him to be the good. He wasn't. The good side was the fake and the beast was the true. Basically I ignored the ugly. I had no worth, no sense of esteem, value or care and but for my family, would have faded away, my spirit was dying. (gosh, it makes me feel terribly sad to see myself as that person right now as I get the image but I thank my God every day for saving me. (He did for me what I could not do for myself).
It's taken me years to become weller and I have so much hope for myself. My mum, who is a program person says "I am in the hallway with windows, to see the sunsets and the birds. She says that when one door closes, another will open but at the moment, I am in the hallway with the windows and maybe this is time for me to enjoy doing things for me that is life things rather than the continuous work I did all the time". I love her for that faith.
Sometimes I tell her I am hanging onto her faith because I am low in mine because the doubts creep in...' did I do the right thing?.... I return to the same answer when I contemplate this question - Yes. I know the stress I was going through last year. I know the time I wasn't with my people. I had no life other than work and I could not find my life. It Has to matter, I Have to matter. (These statements have taken so long to verbalise because I have had to learn the difference of 'loving yourself' and 'Love Of Self'...for me, one is vanity, the other is LOVE and my God Loves Me as I do as others do.
I am able to have quiet times now where once just the thought was an impossible concept to fathom. I like to think it is a meditation for me. It is usually always with nature.
Blessed 2HP, thank you for sharing your treasured words - I shall be using them as another sentence on mirror-in-the-bathroom - ''the disease is just trying to steal your joy'' and then I might ask my mum how she does what she says sometimes, "give the disease a good kick up the guts".
I have learned to have a deep respect for the disease I have been affected by. I do not believe it wants us to be well, to heal or to be happy.
I still carry an image of myself, like I am now with 2HP's helpful words. I see ....'I am in a boxing ring with two of me. In one corner, the recovering, one day/moment at a time Me and in the other corner, the old, angry, resentful, sick Me. I have coaches in the recovering corner - My God, My Program Philosophies and teachings, my loved ones, the other corner has the disease in all its glory and darkness for a coach and its mean, spiteful, cruel and wants to suck the soul out of me..to destroy me, my life, my relationships, and my hope, my faith, my love.
I think the bell just donged for round two. Wish me luck'.
Have a blessed day and may your God be with you today.
Kez
I have vivid dreams every night. EVERY. NIGHT. I think mostly it's due to a medication I take, so I can partially blame that - but my dreams are often bizarre and stressful. Sometimes nightmares. And yes, sometimes old situations crop back up. I often have dreams where I move back in with an abusive ex from long ago in my past. Sometimes I have dreams of being back together with my ex husband. Sometimes I dream about my old job that I was laid off from. Other annoying recurring dreams are where I'm back in high school and I find out I'm just a week from graduation and I'm failing a class or two because I neglected to attend them the whole year. Clearly my subconscious is working through things, despite my feeling that I've worked through them already on a conscious level.
Usually, my solution with these dreams has been to ask God to remove them. And actually, this has been working pretty well, as I've not had these kind of dreams for quite some time since I asked for God's intervention.
But, I like what what suggested about reviewing the situation in the dream and actually doing an active inventory on it. I know dreams aren't real, but wow they can hold me captive regardless - even long after I've awakened and realized I was only dreaming. Sometimes I can be angry or scared or depressed after experiencing such dreams. I think inventorying may help weed out what my subconscious is trying to work through.
Thanks for the topic.
Did you notice the Freudian slip? "although I know for Me I made the wrong decision, I have also grown scared for I am a single person."
I am glad you came on to share. There are people on here with lots of recovery who will give you great ESH. As for me, I can certainly empathize with having conflicted thoughts.
Hugs,
Temple
I so relate to your thoughts and experiences... the waiting in the hallway is very difficult. yet can recall all the times I just keep my focus and devotion on HP and finding nothing else mattered more. that developing relationship is the ultimate happiness. (They had told me to never put the cart ahead of the horse - the material before the spiritual. and I am convinced that is how some wonderful things have unfolded in my life.)
After my divorce, I did go through a period of feeling jealous of the PDA I saw between couples at the park or the grocery store.. comparing my insides to their outsides. My sponsor helped me to get over that selfish jealousy and start blessing the good I was seeing (although she insisted we never really knew what was happening behind closed doors. an alcoholic relationship can be very deceiving.)
I also relate to the battlefield of the mind. my sponsor would say, "in every good person there is some bad and in every bad person there is some good." So yes, like you, I see two forces sitting inside my mind, and I have choices. Simple. but not always easy, lol
I don't wish to minimize how daily inventory work shook me to my core and became a gold mine for me. so that today, whenever thoughts of my abusive former husband come up, I just send him love and blessings. Just for today, the work feels complete regarding our relationship. melted away are my old feelings of victimhood, I gained more control just by taking responsibility in the areas I needed to, protects me from repeating those errors. what a gift.
Anyway, I came to revisit this thread today because last night I awoke from a rare nightmare!! I dreamed I looked at my nightstand, saw my cell phone and alarm clock missing... looked across the room and thought I saw the shadow of someone about to shoot me. my heart was racing but after a second, I turned on the light. what a shock it was only a dream, triggered by mere thoughts, isn't that something?!
The nightmare was likely triggered by my bedtime story (I like to read about the lives of the saints after meditation, before I turn off the light ) And last night, I read about Mahatma Gandhi's incredible life and how he died... shot 3 times by a madman. Yet as he was falling to the ground, he raised his hands in blessing and forgiveness... toward the shooter (((goosebumps)))
I was able to go back to sleep quickly by using the steps.... powerless over my brain... but with persistent, continuous turning... turning to devotional whispers for my HP... I was out.
Praise for how it works, helpless without the support of Higher Power, ever present.