Hello, I have been separated from my alcoholic husband a year now. After 37 years of marriage I finally made the decision to start taking care of myself. I am living with my parents with our 19 year old son and my husband got an apartment. I started counseling and joining some Al anon online sites. I have set boundaries as have my adult children. Up until 3 months ago my husband would call myself and his children drunk and angry, abusive for whatever the reason was that day. We all blocked him from our phones . Things quieted down he stopped calling everyone drunk but the kids want nothing to do with him. I have had contact with him for financial issues or sharing the dog . He decided after we separated that he was going to retire at 57 because his body was beaten up from his construction work all these years. He said I could use his pension money to cover my son and my expenses. If it was a personal item such as makeup or clothing I would use my income. Hes very upset now because we are going to see our grandaughter out of state and I booked a flight for my son and I to go . I payed for my ticket with my money and my sons out of the joint account with his pension. He was furious that he was not invited and of course since I used the money too. I told him Id repay him for my sons flight. Hes beside himself that he was not invited and we are all to blame for tearing this family apart. I was told by him I should never tell the kids about whether he is still drinking or not. If they want to know then call him. No one will speak to him . He has shone no remorse or taken any accountability for any of his actions. Just because he is not antagonizing us anymore we should all forgive him. He himself told me he had his 2nd disorderly conduct ticket from a bar and is on probation. But Im supposed to keep that quiet?? I got a text today that he will not pay for anything for my son and me. We are not legally separated. I have not responded to the text because all I want to say is Where is your accountability in all this??? There has never been an apology and attempt to get help. Its all our faults for destroying the family cause he cant do what he wants to do and drink with no one calling him out. Its his life and he can live it how he wants. I said thats true but if you continue to drink we will not be around to watch this. Im just so confused, should I let the kids know he is still drinking when they ask? Am I losing my mind????
Freetime said
Feb 24, 2020
I'm so sorry you are going through this chaos. In my experience, lashing out in anger is part of the disease, and I had to learn not to take it personally, which is hard, so please lean on your Al-Anon supports (including us at MIP!!) for help with this.
As to whether to tell kids if he is drinking or not -- I have to say, he is right in that it is better for them to ask him directly, and if they do not want to have contact with him, that is their choice, and could be a very good choice for them at this time. Deciding that you will not be around to watch the self-destruction sounds like a good boundary.
Apologies may never come; we can't control that. I found that focusing on something I could control -- figuring out my finances in a way that I knew I would be secure -- was a good use of my energy. I got some professional help with the financial stuff.
Keep coming back!
Bettertomorrow said
Feb 24, 2020
Sorry to hear that you are going through this, but glad you have Al Anon and this board to support you.
From my own experience, in the earlier days I did tell my AHs sister about his addiction. It's something I now regret to a certain extent as I think my own motives were more about a cry for help and hoping his family would step in, but it wasn't really my story to tell.
My guideline now is that I don't tell other people about his alcoholism unless I have been put in a position where I would have to lie, so for example if he is lying unconcious on the floor due to alcohol I wouldn't say he was just sleeping but be honest and say it was due to drinking. I don't cover up for him anymore, but equally I don't tell actively tell people.
Many of our friends and family do now know - it has become very apparent from his behaviour! For his part, when he is lucid, I understand that he feels shame that people know but he is the only one who can change himself, if indeed he ever reaches the point of wanting to do so.
Sending you love and best wishes for your own journey.
Iamhere said
Feb 24, 2020
Chrismc710 - welcome to MIP! So glad that you found us and so glad that you found your courage to share. This disease is so confusing, damaging and of course progressive. We can never know what is in the mind/heart of another and when you add this disease, it just makes it that much more painful, confusing and chaotic. I too am sorry that you're facing 'this' - it's painful and difficult for sure.
I am glad to hear you're attending Al-Anon. Until I really embraced recovery, I had an internal battle over what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. What Al-Anon gave me was a set of tools to get healthy and then to make healthy choices. I too had to learn in recovery that my story is mine, and my A's story is theirs. If anyone, at any time asked about my A, I suggested they give a call and inquire. Al-Anon helped me develop boundaries and know 'better' where I start/stop vs. those I love with this disease.
As far as the financial situation, I heard early on to ensure I always had a Plan B. Not just for finances, but for everything/anything so that if/when the disease changes directions, I can still be on my forward journey. This was easier said than done, yet I've managed to make it happen with the help of a great sponsor. Only you can decide if you should research what your state/country's laws are with regards to formal/informal separation. Only you can decide if it's time to do something different than where you are. No matter what you're thinking about the next phase of your journey, I believe Al-Anon can and will help!
Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help! You are not alone...
Bo said
Feb 25, 2020
No, you are not losing your mind. Not at all. What you are feeling, going through, etc. -- is completely normal. It's extremely common. It's typical. Why? Because you are "still in it" -- you are "in the soup" -- you are "the frog in the pot of boiling water" and so on and so on.
You made an amazing decision to "start taking care of myself." -- and that's great! I commend you for that. Baby steps. Time takes time. Going to face to face meetings, reading websites, posting on BB's, reading literature...all of that is great...but it is a great supplement to actually doing the work. The work -- the actual working the program -- takes place OUTSIDE meetings. It takes place after meetings, in between meetings, it takes place when meeting and talking with your sponsor, talking about actions, reactions, change, making change, and so on. You've done a great job so far. Now you keep going. Progress, not perfection. You are going through your recovery, and recovery, and the work, change, they graduate, they progress, just like you and your recovery.
It's easy to say have a back-up plan, keep a bag packed, talk to a neighbor, all of that is well and good. It doesn't hurt of course. But when dealing with this disease, an active person, who is drinking, not in recovery, etc. -- well, everyone knows what they say about the best laid plans... LOL. In the boxing game, they say everyone has a plan...until you get punched in the face!!! Very true. So, just for today, you are still dealing with him -- financial, dog, bills, whatever. What now? Nothing changes if nothing changes. You made a deal with an alcoholic. I get it, you did the best you could at the time, with the tools and resources, and knowledge, you had at the time. But then what? Wait? Status quo? Complacency? Let sleeping dogs lie. Sometimes we do that, but then we bear the fruit and the consequences.
Now the blow up -- he wasn't invited, it could have been a splinter -- and now you have to deal with the blow up and the aftermath. The damage, direct and collateral. Now everything is your fault because you tore the family apart. No you didn't!!! I know you don't believe that. That is his internal denial and external blame. He will not take ownership, accountability or responsibility for any of his actions...he's an alcoholic. There will be no remorse. He's an alcoholic. He will not own what he's done. He's an alcoholic. See the pattern. As far as his 2nd disorderly conduct charge and probation -- yes, you are supposed to keep that quiet. It's not your business. If he uses money meant for you, food, clothing, etc. -- on his bail, fines, lawyers -- it has impacted you, but it's not your business. You can do something about that, but that's something to talk to your sponsor about. For as long as you are "in it" with him -- you will always be financially at risk. You will always be vulnerable. You will always be in the line of fire.
Look at what you can do, for you and your children. Don't engage with him. Asking him "Where is your accountability in all this???" is nothing more than banging your head against the wall. Period. He has made his decision. You should make yours. He told you point blank that it is his life and he can and will live it the way he wants...YOU should do the same. If the kids ask, tell them the truth -- last time we spoke, he was drinking, and said he is going to live his life the way he wants. Let the kids decide what they want to do. If he ever stops, he can and will inform you and you can let the kids know. If they don't want to talk to him, be with him, deal with him, when he's drinking...then you can help them with that boundary. JMO. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Hello, I have been separated from my alcoholic husband a year now. After 37 years of marriage I finally made the decision to start taking care of myself. I am living with my parents with our 19 year old son and my husband got an apartment. I started counseling and joining some Al anon online sites. I have set boundaries as have my adult children. Up until 3 months ago my husband would call myself and his children drunk and angry, abusive for whatever the reason was that day. We all blocked him from our phones . Things quieted down he stopped calling everyone drunk but the kids want nothing to do with him. I have had contact with him for financial issues or sharing the dog . He decided after we separated that he was going to retire at 57 because his body was beaten up from his construction work all these years. He said I could use his pension money to cover my son and my expenses. If it was a personal item such as makeup or clothing I would use my income. Hes very upset now because we are going to see our grandaughter out of state and I booked a flight for my son and I to go . I payed for my ticket with my money and my sons out of the joint account with his pension. He was furious that he was not invited and of course since I used the money too. I told him Id repay him for my sons flight. Hes beside himself that he was not invited and we are all to blame for tearing this family apart. I was told by him I should never tell the kids about whether he is still drinking or not. If they want to know then call him. No one will speak to him . He has shone no remorse or taken any accountability for any of his actions. Just because he is not antagonizing us anymore we should all forgive him. He himself told me he had his 2nd disorderly conduct ticket from a bar and is on probation. But Im supposed to keep that quiet?? I got a text today that he will not pay for anything for my son and me. We are not legally separated. I have not responded to the text because all I want to say is Where is your accountability in all this??? There has never been an apology and attempt to get help. Its all our faults for destroying the family cause he cant do what he wants to do and drink with no one calling him out. Its his life and he can live it how he wants. I said thats true but if you continue to drink we will not be around to watch this. Im just so confused, should I let the kids know he is still drinking when they ask? Am I losing my mind????
As to whether to tell kids if he is drinking or not -- I have to say, he is right in that it is better for them to ask him directly, and if they do not want to have contact with him, that is their choice, and could be a very good choice for them at this time. Deciding that you will not be around to watch the self-destruction sounds like a good boundary.
Apologies may never come; we can't control that. I found that focusing on something I could control -- figuring out my finances in a way that I knew I would be secure -- was a good use of my energy. I got some professional help with the financial stuff.
Keep coming back!
Sorry to hear that you are going through this, but glad you have Al Anon and this board to support you.
From my own experience, in the earlier days I did tell my AHs sister about his addiction. It's something I now regret to a certain extent as I think my own motives were more about a cry for help and hoping his family would step in, but it wasn't really my story to tell.
My guideline now is that I don't tell other people about his alcoholism unless I have been put in a position where I would have to lie, so for example if he is lying unconcious on the floor due to alcohol I wouldn't say he was just sleeping but be honest and say it was due to drinking. I don't cover up for him anymore, but equally I don't tell actively tell people.
Many of our friends and family do now know - it has become very apparent from his behaviour! For his part, when he is lucid, I understand that he feels shame that people know but he is the only one who can change himself, if indeed he ever reaches the point of wanting to do so.
Sending you love and best wishes for your own journey.
I am glad to hear you're attending Al-Anon. Until I really embraced recovery, I had an internal battle over what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. What Al-Anon gave me was a set of tools to get healthy and then to make healthy choices. I too had to learn in recovery that my story is mine, and my A's story is theirs. If anyone, at any time asked about my A, I suggested they give a call and inquire. Al-Anon helped me develop boundaries and know 'better' where I start/stop vs. those I love with this disease.
As far as the financial situation, I heard early on to ensure I always had a Plan B. Not just for finances, but for everything/anything so that if/when the disease changes directions, I can still be on my forward journey. This was easier said than done, yet I've managed to make it happen with the help of a great sponsor. Only you can decide if you should research what your state/country's laws are with regards to formal/informal separation. Only you can decide if it's time to do something different than where you are. No matter what you're thinking about the next phase of your journey, I believe Al-Anon can and will help!
Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help! You are not alone...
You made an amazing decision to "start taking care of myself." -- and that's great! I commend you for that. Baby steps. Time takes time. Going to face to face meetings, reading websites, posting on BB's, reading literature...all of that is great...but it is a great supplement to actually doing the work. The work -- the actual working the program -- takes place OUTSIDE meetings. It takes place after meetings, in between meetings, it takes place when meeting and talking with your sponsor, talking about actions, reactions, change, making change, and so on. You've done a great job so far. Now you keep going. Progress, not perfection. You are going through your recovery, and recovery, and the work, change, they graduate, they progress, just like you and your recovery.
It's easy to say have a back-up plan, keep a bag packed, talk to a neighbor, all of that is well and good. It doesn't hurt of course. But when dealing with this disease, an active person, who is drinking, not in recovery, etc. -- well, everyone knows what they say about the best laid plans... LOL. In the boxing game, they say everyone has a plan...until you get punched in the face!!! Very true. So, just for today, you are still dealing with him -- financial, dog, bills, whatever. What now? Nothing changes if nothing changes. You made a deal with an alcoholic. I get it, you did the best you could at the time, with the tools and resources, and knowledge, you had at the time. But then what? Wait? Status quo? Complacency? Let sleeping dogs lie. Sometimes we do that, but then we bear the fruit and the consequences.
Now the blow up -- he wasn't invited, it could have been a splinter -- and now you have to deal with the blow up and the aftermath. The damage, direct and collateral. Now everything is your fault because you tore the family apart. No you didn't!!! I know you don't believe that. That is his internal denial and external blame. He will not take ownership, accountability or responsibility for any of his actions...he's an alcoholic. There will be no remorse. He's an alcoholic. He will not own what he's done. He's an alcoholic. See the pattern. As far as his 2nd disorderly conduct charge and probation -- yes, you are supposed to keep that quiet. It's not your business. If he uses money meant for you, food, clothing, etc. -- on his bail, fines, lawyers -- it has impacted you, but it's not your business. You can do something about that, but that's something to talk to your sponsor about. For as long as you are "in it" with him -- you will always be financially at risk. You will always be vulnerable. You will always be in the line of fire.
Look at what you can do, for you and your children. Don't engage with him. Asking him "Where is your accountability in all this???" is nothing more than banging your head against the wall. Period. He has made his decision. You should make yours. He told you point blank that it is his life and he can and will live it the way he wants...YOU should do the same. If the kids ask, tell them the truth -- last time we spoke, he was drinking, and said he is going to live his life the way he wants. Let the kids decide what they want to do. If he ever stops, he can and will inform you and you can let the kids know. If they don't want to talk to him, be with him, deal with him, when he's drinking...then you can help them with that boundary. JMO. Take what you like and leave the rest.