thank you for this eloquent reminder. And so very true! :)

I like this. TY!

Forgiveness...like acceptance...is a trait, a concept, a place or way of being, a feeling, and something you can attain, hold, have and give...it can be all of them...and more. It can also be something we think we get and understand and practice, but we really don't. Everyone says -- intellectually -- that they accept they are powerless and can't get the alcoholic to quit drinking...but are they truly in a place of acceptance? Are they having and holding acceptance as part of who they are being. In my experience, the answer most often is no.

I see countless numbers of people talk and talk and type and type how they accept, they get it, they get acceptance, and they truly understand that they cannot get the alcoholic to stop drinking...BUT...do they? Do they simply admit? Or do they truly accept. Do they cease all efforts to -- be right, control, try to prove, to prompt, to help get the alcoholic to stop...when the alcoholic says they do but don't take action to stop? OK, that said, forgiveness is the same.

Do we forgive? Forget? Or do we tolerate? Give a pass? Suppress the anger, resentment, ill-will, sadness, and more? Do we accept and say "how important is it" and "just for today" and are we ultimately rationalizing and accepting unacceptable behavior? Do we just accept that it is what it is? Do we lower our own standard of acceptable behavior so that we can accept what is?

This -- forgiveness -- is why in my experience, most of the work in this area, is simply scratching the surface. I polled people who have worked the steps and asked them how long did it take for you to complete step one (acceptance). Most people -- who met with their sponsor, face to face, or on the phone, on a regular basis -- said it took anywhere between one week and two months. But later on -- each of them went back and did it again because as they learned more, they realized they just scratched the surface. Doing the steps -- the actual work in doing them -- is scratching the surface. Who we become as a person, who we are being, is a result of working and going through all 12 steps...and who we are as we go through the journey of recovery. Who we become, the better, the healthy person. Remember, it is journey...not a destination.

The 12 steps I worked and went through -- even though the words are exactly the same, except for one word, as AA's 12 steps -- the work, the recovery, is different than an alcoholic's work and going through the 12 steps. Yes, same words, but the perspective is different, the mindset, the "who we are being" as it relates to our disease, is different. Forgiveness for me...has become a life absent of "hate" and "anger" and "resentment" and more. I don't forgive in absolute(s) a person who kills another due to race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc., meaning forgive the action and accept this is who they are. I don't. But I don't have anger vis a vis justice being an eye for an eye. I want punishment. I want consequences. But it is not motivated by hate, although I hate that this happens. It is not hate toward the human being, it is hate toward the action and their sickness. Does a part of me hate? Yes, in that extreme environment. However, I have sorrow, and compassion and hope, that the person can get better.

In the beginning, and in the end...like acceptance...it starts with forgiving myself and living my life for today.

Generally when I forgive someone there is a finality about it .. My friend who I am staying with is not as bad as he was. Nevertheless he is pretty difficult to live around and extremely self absorbed. I would probably have bern far more comfortable in the hotel Nevertheless I cannot undo that situation For whatever reason I hang onto relationships that are real problems for me. Now at work abd in other situations I work really hard not to engage. If I feel someone is a drain on my resources I don't engage If I had only two more weeks staying with my friend it would be one thing. I have at least 7. So my program will be maxed out. You are most certainly right forgiveness starts with me. I have to forgive myself for holding onto these relationships that cause me so much difficulty . I also have to pace myself which I find extraordinary difficult. This year so far had bern completely maxed out on many levels.. I know I cannot sustain being maxed out all the time Maresie

I'm back and forward at step 1. I've not been able to maintain it in a kind if solid never go back way. I accepted my powerlessness at the beginning and I thought I did thoroughly and I let go of so many false ideas that I could change the drinking or that I was responsible for changing it.i felt extremely free. I've been working this now for 8 yrs and I can see how given enough fear and worry I go back to trying to change it all over again. It slips out even though my brain tells me I cant I still try and direct in some subtle way. I see that in me. When I'm not with my drinker I feel stronger and can let go and step 1 is accepted however when I'm with him I find myself compelled to say something even a small word of wisdom. Lol. Anything. I'm thinking it's not a step to be taken lightly. It seemed so clear and easy at first. Of course I'm powerless it's obvious but to believe it at every moment under the pressure of this disease actively pulling at you. It's tough. Sometimes i think I'm powerless over this disease in him and even more so in me. Its a giant disease. Thanks for the share. Thought provoking.

For me the issue is about not seeing people for who they are I feel like I.am.seeing.my friend for the first time rather than knowing him.any better. I.am incredibly boundaries now so it is not like I am opening up to just anyone before But there are certain people like my fr i.u end you open up to them: that is then their weapon against you Admittedly people change but my obsession with the alcoholc/addict is all about not accepting people for who they are. Then when I get around to seeing who they are it is deep deep resentment I walk the 12 steps daily in dealing with life Life on life's terms is terribly difficult for me. I want it on my terms and only my terms Maresie