You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.
Aloha said
Jan 30, 2020
I'm having a big "pat-my-back" moment this morning.
Before Al-Anon, I used to always take the temperature of those around me. If you were happy, I was happy. If you were sad, I was sad. If you were grumpy, I'd freak out and think it's my fault, and sometimes I'd even get grumpy and defensive.
At the same time, I also expected people around me to be mind-readers. If I was happy, they were supposed to celebrate with me. If I was sad, they were supposed to console me. If I was grumpy, it was their job to figure out why and then do all they could to validate me, reassure me, make me feel better - and if I decided they were at fault, then they were also supposed to change so I could feel okay.
Because I had those preconceived notions that other people were responsible for my moods and it was their responsibility to get on board with me, it was no small wonder I felt I also had to reciprocate.
So through most of my life pre-Al-Anon, my moods weren't exactly my own. They were mirrors to those around me.
Thankfully, through Al-Anon, I learned I'm a complete person as I am, and that I don't need to morph into the moods and attitudes of those around me - especially if they're not in conjunction with how I currently feel. So, if I'm in a good mood, that doesn't have to change if someone I care about or work with is in a bad mood. I get to let them be adults and work through their feelings themselves. Of course, I don't have to antagonize them either - like, I don't laugh at them and say "sucks to be you!" But I can maintain a level, serene attitude instead.
This can be tough, because I'm a pretty empathetic person.
Twice this morning, I've been given the opportunity to sink down into someone's bad mood. And sometimes I see those as invitations to an argument. They're looking for me to ask "what's wrong?" so they can then unload on me - either to have a pity-party or to play the blame-game.
Twice this morning, I declined the invitation. I stated my piece as I was in my current state-of-mind, which was serene and good and didn't attend their invitations to bust my serenity.
What I DID do, however, was mentally wish them peace. "I hope you feel some peace soon."
Thanks for letting me share.
Bo said
Jan 30, 2020
You don't have to be out on the dance floor...just because there is music playing.
Bo said
Jan 30, 2020
You're not supposed to jump up on the stage when you attend a Broadway show.
Bo said
Jan 30, 2020
You don't have to hit the ping pong ball back just because someone hits the ball to you...you can put down the paddle.
JerryF said
Jan 30, 2020
Great Share Aloha...I too remember first hearing this "Don't have to rule" as a newbie and the deep sigh of relief that came with it. Thanks for the memory. I can use this on a daily basis. (((hugs)))
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 31, 2020
Thank you so much for this wonderful share, Aloha!
I read much of myself in your post. :(
But I am learning how to be better... to myself, and in consequence, towards others!
Iamhere said
Jan 31, 2020
Agree and thank you for the topic! I am grateful I've learned to Pause and Pray before I Proceed. I truly, deep down in my soul, would much rather be happy than right. BR (Before Recovery), I really, really wanted to be right thinking that would make me happy. Instead, it was a constant battle, all within me, to seek approval and validation outside of me. Also grateful that I learned in recovery that's an unhealthy reaction, with superficial results.
Happy Friday MIP family!!
Jozie said
Jan 31, 2020
(((Aloha))))
When I First started to Read your Share, it was Almost Like You was Writing my Story! :) Thank you for Your Share, it's a Nice Reminder of How Far I have Come!
In my Alcoholic Home growing up I had to play this Game Often, and I Got Really Good a Reading Others, but had No Clue how to Gauge My Own Feelings, because I Was Programmed to Only Fit the Mood of the Room!
Thankful since my Journey through Al-Anon I have Learned to Stay in "My Moment" and Not Some Else's, and One of the Best things on of My Al-Anon Friends Told me Here was: When they are Trying to Pull you Back in... Do yourself a Favor and "Vote with your Feet" No One says You have to Stay! I have Walked out of So Many Sticky Sick Ick in My FOO, that My Serenity at these Events has Now been Restored...
Works when we Work it :)
Great Share
Jozie
Bo said
Jan 31, 2020
I remember the first time I heard "I am not getting into this with you right now" coupled with "I am sorry you feel that way"
Those two statements changed my life.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 31, 2020
THIS RIGHT HERE!
"Instead, it was a constant battle, all within me, to seek approval and validation outside of me. Also grateful that I learned in recovery that's an unhealthy reaction, with superficial results."
For the longest time, I never knew I was doing this! Once I realized this, I was shocked at how much was held back from me b/c I only got superficial results!
I also remember when I first used, "I feel sorry you feel that way," instead of trying to JADE (my usual go-to). I finally had a means to step off that not-so-merry-go-round!! The amount of calm within my brain was tangible!!
Great shares everyone!
&
Maresie888 said
Jan 31, 2020
I am staying with someone currently I once had an extremely contentious relationship with
Now I have a really boundaries relationship with him
I prefer the latter
That doesn't mean I am not counting the days till I leave. I lost certainly am
The difference is that I am in charge
I feel far less helpless
I decided when I would go to stay with him that I would not get involved in arguing with him
I haven"t
That doesn't mean that I am not mad about his indifference. I am
However these days thanks to al anon. I have a choice
Having a choice is what matters
hotrod said
Feb 1, 2020
I Agree Alanon tools of detachmebnt, the slogans, how important is it and the serenity prayer help me in this regard
Maresie888 said
Feb 2, 2020
3 years ago I would be climbing the walls over the stuff this man says. Now it is like water rolling off my back. The difference is I an tome limited here (30 days) The other difference, practice, knowledge, knowing what triggers me and the other quality Al anon has brought me self reliance
I now rely on myself.
I have been super sick and ny friend did zero.for me except to.comment
In the past I would think this reflected on me. Today I know for certainky it reflects on him
And only him
Maresie
I'm having a big "pat-my-back" moment this morning.
Before Al-Anon, I used to always take the temperature of those around me. If you were happy, I was happy. If you were sad, I was sad. If you were grumpy, I'd freak out and think it's my fault, and sometimes I'd even get grumpy and defensive.
At the same time, I also expected people around me to be mind-readers. If I was happy, they were supposed to celebrate with me. If I was sad, they were supposed to console me. If I was grumpy, it was their job to figure out why and then do all they could to validate me, reassure me, make me feel better - and if I decided they were at fault, then they were also supposed to change so I could feel okay.
Because I had those preconceived notions that other people were responsible for my moods and it was their responsibility to get on board with me, it was no small wonder I felt I also had to reciprocate.
So through most of my life pre-Al-Anon, my moods weren't exactly my own. They were mirrors to those around me.
Thankfully, through Al-Anon, I learned I'm a complete person as I am, and that I don't need to morph into the moods and attitudes of those around me - especially if they're not in conjunction with how I currently feel. So, if I'm in a good mood, that doesn't have to change if someone I care about or work with is in a bad mood. I get to let them be adults and work through their feelings themselves. Of course, I don't have to antagonize them either - like, I don't laugh at them and say "sucks to be you!" But I can maintain a level, serene attitude instead.
This can be tough, because I'm a pretty empathetic person.
Twice this morning, I've been given the opportunity to sink down into someone's bad mood. And sometimes I see those as invitations to an argument. They're looking for me to ask "what's wrong?" so they can then unload on me - either to have a pity-party or to play the blame-game.
Twice this morning, I declined the invitation. I stated my piece as I was in my current state-of-mind, which was serene and good and didn't attend their invitations to bust my serenity.
What I DID do, however, was mentally wish them peace. "I hope you feel some peace soon."
Thanks for letting me share.
You're not supposed to jump up on the stage when you attend a Broadway show.
You don't have to hit the ping pong ball back just because someone hits the ball to you...you can put down the paddle.
Great Share Aloha...I too remember first hearing this "Don't have to rule" as a newbie and the deep sigh of relief that came with it. Thanks for the memory. I can use this on a daily basis. (((hugs)))
I read much of myself in your post. :(
But I am learning how to be better... to myself, and in consequence, towards others!
Happy Friday MIP family!!
When I First started to Read your Share, it was Almost Like You was Writing my Story! :) Thank you for Your Share, it's a Nice Reminder of How Far I have Come!
In my Alcoholic Home growing up I had to play this Game Often, and I Got Really Good a Reading Others, but had No Clue how to Gauge My Own Feelings, because I Was Programmed to Only Fit the Mood of the Room!
Thankful since my Journey through Al-Anon I have Learned to Stay in "My Moment" and Not Some Else's, and One of the Best things on of My Al-Anon Friends Told me Here was: When they are Trying to Pull you Back in... Do yourself a Favor and "Vote with your Feet" No One says You have to Stay! I have Walked out of So Many Sticky Sick Ick in My FOO, that My Serenity at these Events has Now been Restored...
Works when we Work it :)
Great Share
Jozie
Those two statements changed my life.
THIS RIGHT HERE!
"Instead, it was a constant battle, all within me, to seek approval and validation outside of me. Also grateful that I learned in recovery that's an unhealthy reaction, with superficial results."
For the longest time, I never knew I was doing this! Once I realized this, I was shocked at how much was held back from me b/c I only got superficial results!
I also remember when I first used, "I feel sorry you feel that way," instead of trying to JADE (my usual go-to). I finally had a means to step off that not-so-merry-go-round!! The amount of calm within my brain was tangible!!
Great shares everyone!