One thing I Seem to Always Go Back to When I'm Ready for a "Poor Me" Moment, I Tend to Run Head First in Shame & Guilt...
When things are Good, I tend to Do OK in this Department...I Stay Strong in my Program, and in Balancing things in Life...
The Moment that I Get Overwhelmed, the Moment My Feelings get Hurt, the Moment I'm Struggling to Find a Reason or Purpose in my Life... I Go and Do Something Stupid, to Punish Myself Worth, that will Surely Bring Shame & Guilt back like Vengeance...
It's Almost Like I Enjoy Causing Myself Pain! And what I have Noticed is I have Done this My Whole Life, More Layers Peeled back from My Onion of Life! More of My Sickness Revealed...
I'm Not Sure how to Get out of this one! Mentally... It's Not Something I Can Take back! And it Lives in My Head Everyday!
Sometimes I Think I have "Faked it... Till Ya Make It!" Too Long! So Long that I Don't Even Know what Fake & Real is Anymore! I Know this is Just one of my Lows, and I have to Find a way to Crawl back up, and I Guess that's Why I'm Writing this out, So I Can Somehow Find Healing without Judgement in this and Change the Insanity of my Behavior! I have been here long enough to know this is My Responsibility... My Big Slip! But there are times when these lows Really Knock the Wind out of me!
And I think what Kills me the Most is that I Can't Even Blame Alcohol on this one, because the Only Thing I haven't Screwed up is My Sobriety!
It's Not like A lot Know about this, only one other person on earth and to them... It's No Big Deal! To Me! It's Totally Tarnished the Person I was Striving to Be! It's Totally Thrown me back to that Wounded Girl that Rebels at the First Sight of Fear...
Thanks for Letting Me Share! And Thank you In Advance for your Love, Understanding & ESH!
I'm Gonna Keep Coming Back! Cause I Need ya's All
Jozie
JerryF said
Jan 29, 2020
((((Jozie)))) Whats in my tools box is practice, practice, practice....That is what I got from the fellowship and sponsorship when I was worried about falling back into old non-workable behaviors. The old behaviors really sucked when I was into using them and I pained for a longtime and until Al-Anon came into my life. Keep on keeping on sister. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Jan 29, 2020
One thing I learned about my own recovery -- real recovery, not just going to meetings, doing readings, etc. -- is that "fake it till I make it" and "how important is it" and all those slogans and tools along those lines could be very dangerous. How? Well, they could easily be denial, complacency, procrastination, and other things that ended up hurting me. That may not make sense to others, but what I learned was very enlightening -- and that was -- when I got into real recovery and was working with my sponsor, often, I would "act as if" in order to not face things that I really should have been facing. It was very easy to say, I'll be ready when I am ready...but that was denial. I was not looking to look at myself -- up close, open, honest -- and what I was really doing and not going. I wasn't looking at my part, my role, my contribution to what was going on in and around my life. It was easy for me to say "how important is it" -- when in reality it was denial because I was accepting unacceptable behavior!!!
So, I convinced myself...denial, fear, whatever you want to call it. Sure, I guess we are all ready when we are ready...but at a certain point, my life is a result of my own decisions, actions, and non-decisions and lack of action. Yes, go gentle unto myself. I get that. I am going on 26 years in alanon. I live a wonderful life -- as a result of all the work I've done over the course of those years, and more.
For me, recovery is about honesty, objectivity, and accountability.
hotrod said
Jan 30, 2020
(((JOZIE))) Be gentle with yourself. Awareness is half the battle keep on keeping on and letn us know how you qare doing in a month
Iamhere said
Jan 30, 2020
(((Jozie))) - so, so great to see you my friend! I too suggest easy does it and being gentle with yourself. As another double-winner, please, please remember that you are successful even if it doesn't feel like it - You have not taken a drink. For me, when I am in the throws of uncertainty about my journey, today, my actions, next right thing, etc. I really, really need to return to Step One! When the program suggests we are powerless over this disease, other people, places and things, I have to add myself, my own thinking in that lot.
Reminding myself that I am powerless, yet willing to trust a power greater than I and recommitting my will to that power helps me greatly. Your share also did remind me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Returning to the step one also helps me to realize that This Too Shall Pass - as the only thing constant is change.
If it helps, anytime I am in 'this place', when I get to the other side, I have learned something of value and have grown again. There is something about me that most of my growth/change comes from pain, and often that pain is self-inflicted. Last year, as part of a study group, we committed to each other to add the practice of positive affirmations to our daily program efforts. For me, most of my serenity and joy comes from pure unconditional love, so I have added a simple prayer to my mornings - Please remind me that I am loving, loved and lovable.
I love that we get a 'do-over' each day, as we practice One Day at a Time. I view today as a clean slate. I can decide what to do, for this day only, that best aligns me with my HP, my recovery and my journey. You work an awesome program of recovery my friend - I'm sending you positive energy, thoughts and prayers that just for today, you practice gentle self-love and trusting your program! (((Hugs))) - glad you are back!
Aloha said
Jan 30, 2020
I've come to learn that it's a sign of my recovery working when I get really uncomfortable with old behaviors. My level of tolerance for stressful things and stressful people has lowered over the years, so sometimes I find myself actually reacting much more strongly to situations that perhaps in the past used to just bring about underlying anxiety.
During these times, it's very easy to "should" all over myself. Like, because I have Al-Anon I shouldn't be reacting so strongly and I should be snapping out of it with a laissez-faire attitude. But that hasn't been the case. Maybe some day it'll get easier, but beating myself up over my reaction does me no good.
Perfectionism is self-abuse.
If anything, I think it's great that you're recognizing these feelings and admitting your discomfort with them because it could be far worse - you could be on auto-pilot right now, leaking all over yourself and everyone and not even know it. Being conscious of a thing can help me move through Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
You're a human being. Be gentle with yourself. This, too, shall pass.
In the meantime, I know that whenever I feel completely lost in something, it's time to turn it over to God. Ask God to come in. I often say "God, here. I'm giving you these feelings and emotions because I can't handle them. These are YOURS now. You do with them what you will."
Glad you're here, Jozie. Keep coming back.
Jozie said
Jan 30, 2020
((((Jerry))))
Thanks Brother... I've been Struggling for awhile now, and it seems Harder for me to stay Grounded in the Winter Months when I'm Stuck indoors. Part of my Winter Blues I Suppose, Which always seems leaves My Recovery harder to stay Focused on the Here & Now!
And Did I Read Correctly? You Left the Islands for CA... WOW... Sorry I Wasn't here for your move. I Hope things are Going well with you, as rarely are you far from my Thoughts!... I'm Gonna "Keep on Keepin On" :) Much Love and Gratitude always!
Jozie
Jozie said
Jan 30, 2020
(((Bo)))
Thank you, I Have Never Had it Wrote up like that and I Do Appreciate your Thoughts, and Your Recover and How you Get there! Denial has always been a Road Block for me over the Years, and Way before I Found Al-Anon, I Didn't Deny what I had Done, but I have Many times Denied how it has Effected me in my life, the True Pain it has Caused, deep within my Soul... Those Layers are Painful, and at times I'll Graze the Surface and Run Like Hell... But Then I Pull my Big Girls Up and Start again.
I've Never Been One to Admit Fear, and because of that Pattern, I Also Sit in a lot of Shame & Guilt, and in Working with my Sponsor and Doing another Step 4 & 5 in Nov. it helped till I Hit this Next Bump, so it's time to Go back and Start Again... And in this Situation it all Stemmed from "Unacceptable Behavior" that I've Accepted to Long!
So Thank you for your Share... I know Not All Tools work in the same way for Everyone, so I'm Always Grateful for a New Spin or Twist on Someone else's Toolbox :)
Gratitude
Jozie
Jozie said
Jan 30, 2020
(((Hotrod)))
Thank You for Always Being a Soft Spot to Land... You have No Idea How much Your Kindness has Helped my Healing over this Past Decade! Your Recovery is Amazing and your Time you Spend Helping others on this Board and Lord Knows where Else. Is that of a Saint from My Seat... So THANK YOU :)
Love & Prayers Always
Jozie
Jozie said
Jan 30, 2020
(((IamHere))))
Thank you :) Your Right, I've Landed Right back at Step One! Not Taking that Drink has Teetered on the Edge more then Once in these Last 14 months, A lot of Ups and Downs and Uncertainty has been in my life, and though I Try my best not to Look to Hard in the Future and stay in the Present, at times I Struggle trying to figure out if the Life I have is Really the Life I Want.
I Know that So Many have it So Much Worse then I Do, and I Try Daily to Stay in Gratitude and Remember All My Blessings and Remind myself of them Daily, but Sometimes I Just Have to Pout and Stomp My Feet and Cause a Ruckus! One thing I've Learned is 99% of the time the Only Person I Aim to Hurt in all the Insanity is ME! It's like if I Punish Myself for the Bad Behavior it somehow Makes it Better... When in Reality I Know how Ridiculous that Sounds, but its a Pattern that Just Jumps out of Me Sometimes... And I Don't Care to have that Trait, and tho I've Over Come So Many! Seems I Always Find another Deep Beyond the Surface...
And you are Correct, For Me to Grow it always seems to be through Pain I have to Get there! And Like Stated, Most of Which is Self Inflicted! Even After a Decade, I'm Still Very Much A Work in Progress :)
And THANK YOU for the Welcome... I've Missed ya's and Know I have to get better at Staying In this Part of My Program, Just as Much as My Weekly Meetings and Such! I'm Going to Cash in on My "Do Over" Day and Do My Best to Make Better Choices that are not Self Destructive :) So Thank you My Friend for All your Understanding and Love & ESH
Most Grateful always
Jozie
Jozie said
Jan 30, 2020
(((Aloha))))
Thank you... I Also am a "Should'er" I Run Every thing thru there when I'm Deep in my Martyr... And the Winter Season seems to bring it out 10 fold... These Last 11 Years, I have got "Better" at Anxiety, but that was Only after I Admitted that's what it was... I was in Denial So Long, but after Researching Everything I Could Find about Anxiety, I had to step out of that Denial and Admit, there was something I was Just Powerless over and that was One! "At that time!"
Like you, My Stress Levels have Dropped Tremendously Since Coming to Al-Anon and Working my Program, Owning Mine, and Not Everyone Else was Huge! But its Almost like when things Get "Too Stress Free" I Have to Stir things up like the Wounded Child from my old Alcoholic Home! Awareness is HUGE For me! and Why I Came here to Express it because it's Safer then My Small town Home Group! My Sponsor is Great, but she too has been Struggling in her Health, and Her Mom's Health... And Even Though She Assures me Always, One of My Other Character Defects is I Don't Like to Burden Others! And I'm Still Working on that One, and She knows I Struggle Terrible in this Department...
I've Turned to the 3 A's thru this and I've Made Myself Very Aware, and I've Accepted it was a Self Inflicted Action but Getting to the Finish Line of that Action is the Struggle, but I Know HP Is With Me, and I am Doing My Best to Turn it over and NOT Take it Back! But I Appreciate your Prayer, And your Share, because it Gives me More for My Own Tool Box...
The Love on this Board, is So Healing for me! I've Never had a Safer Place to Put My True Honesty... I'm Humbled by All that take the time to Share their ESH, and Help others in the Worst times of their Lives...
Thanks for Being here, And its Good to Be Back Home
Jozie
tiredtonite said
Jan 30, 2020
Hi Jozie,
Great to see you. Thanks for posting about shame and guilt. I have done what you described. It's easy to find myself in the poor me's when I'm not practicing physical and emotional self care as well as I might. Sometimes I am but life can throw you for a loop at times and then more than any other time I need to take a breath, say a prayer, make a call to someone who will remind me that the self loathing feelings are not what I deserve nor were they ever. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to feel disappointment and there are going to be those moments when I feel I somehow don't measure up. But ya know what? Everybody has them even those whose outward appearance, "perfect program" shares at a meeting or seemingly ideal life would have me believing they're in a constant place of self assurance, happiness and success. It's a lie, Jozie. They pretend because it's important to them to always look perfect.
Thankfully, we can share and admit our vulnerability and learn from others in the program that we're not alone in having these very human feelings. We're works in progress.
I try to keep in mind that I can turn the finger inward when it comes to compassion. I can also remind myself that I don't in any way deserve less love based on any poor choices. Acceptance and gratitude readings especially help me at such times to let go of the negativity. What we focus on the longest becomes the strongest. Hope you feel your best again very soon.
Thanks for your share. ((((hugs))) TT
Aloha said
Jan 30, 2020
I was scrolling through my Instagram feed and came across the following. It gave me a chuckle and thought perhaps I'd share it here:
"Try giving your inner critic a name and a wardrobe. Offer them a cup of tea and even a nap. They must be exhausted from constantly going over all those negative thoughts."
Bo said
Jan 30, 2020
Jozie wrote:
(((Bo)))
Thank you, I Have Never Had it Wrote up like that and I Do Appreciate your Thoughts, and Your Recover and How you Get there! Denial has always been a Road Block for me over the Years, and Way before I Found Al-Anon, I Didn't Deny what I had Done, but I have Many times Denied how it has Effected me in my life, the True Pain it has Caused, deep within my Soul... Those Layers are Painful, and at times I'll Graze the Surface and Run Like Hell... But Then I Pull my Big Girls Up and Start again.
I've Never Been One to Admit Fear, and because of that Pattern, I Also Sit in a lot of Shame & Guilt, and in Working with my Sponsor and Doing another Step 4 & 5 in Nov. it helped till I Hit this Next Bump, so it's time to Go back and Start Again... And in this Situation it all Stemmed from "Unacceptable Behavior" that I've Accepted to Long!
So Thank you for your Share... I know Not All Tools work in the same way for Everyone, so I'm Always Grateful for a New Spin or Twist on Someone else's Toolbox :)
Gratitude
Jozie
You're welcome and thank you Jozie!!! When I read your post, that was what immediately resonated with me. The "old habit" thing is like that old scar, that old bruise, whatever you want to call it...that seems like it just won't go away, LOL. So, for me, I grew up with dad teaching me to do one thing uncomfortable every single day, do one thing outside your comfort zone, every single day. That's how you grow, and that's ultimately, what living is. To my father's disappointment, baseball was not my best sport, by far, and it was apparent early on that I would not grow up and play for the NY Mets. LOL. But growing up playing little league my father passionately taught me the difference between -- watching 3 pitches go by, not swinging, and being struck out, as opposed to swinging at 3 pitches and striking out. Life lesson learned.
In recovery, I focus on my recovery. Period. Even when I sponsor someone, their recovery is their recovery. Sometimes you have to allow a person to arrive at their own conclusion, even when that conclusion is not a pretty one. Like, when someone realizes they are where they are, because of their own actions, not taking action, their own decisions, not making decisions, denial, procrastination, or whatever the case might be. I go to face to face meetings, and I try to learn from every share, from every person's perspective. However, I learn from other people's recovery...and I have learned more from other people's lack of recovery. Meeting makers make it. Stick with the winners. In order to stick with the winners, you have to identify them. Sometimes you have to identify the non-winners. I won't use the word losers, LOL. There are no losers in recovery...but there are non-winners, LOL.
In my experience, most people who are in denial have no idea they are in denial. Sometimes in a race, you are so far in second place...you actually think you are winning the race! LOL. When you are "in it" you just don't know you are "in it" and everything may appear to be somewhat fine, OK, normal, etc. Yes, when you are in crisis and at the end of your rope, you tend to know it. But I've seen people sit in denial, for years. Its sad. But, to each their own. They arrive at a point when they are ready to arrive at a point...or they don't. To each their own.
Sometimes denial is conscious. Sometimes unconscious. It can be the content of the person, or a situation. Or, it can be the context. It takes on many forms. Whatever it is...for me, I always wanted, needed, and hoped, for someone to tell me that I could be in denial. Fear was never an issue in that respect however. My father always taught me, you walk right up to the lion, grab him and stick your head right in his mouth...sometimes the lion eats you, and sometimes you eat the lion...but it the lion eats you, two things...one, you didn't succumb to fear...and two, make sure the lion chokes on you! LOL. My relationship and dealings with fear have come full circle in my life. My life lesson on fear was from an incident when I was 13 years old. I was traveling with my father and we were in a plane crash. However, I did not learn the lesson until 30 years later. I was 43 and called my father one night. We talked. And he taught me my life lesson on fear that night. 30 years life lesson in the making.
I understand everything you are saying Jozie. I really do. And I have always had compassion at the core of who I am. Go gentle unto yourself. Yes, absolutely, be gentle with yourself...however, have awareness that there can be a line, perhaps a fine line, perhaps a very vague line, where once crossed, gentle can turn into and manifest...complacency, denial, fear, procrastination, and who knows what else. Powerless, can morph into victimization. Acceptance can transmute into being treated poorly and unacceptably. And so on.
Think about plutonium...it can be very, very powerful...and can also be very, very dangerous...and should only be handled by experts. LOL.
All the best.
tiredtonite said
Jan 30, 2020
LOL Aloha concerning the inner critic quote. That's great! TT
One thing I Seem to Always Go Back to When I'm Ready for a "Poor Me" Moment, I Tend to Run Head First in Shame & Guilt...
When things are Good, I tend to Do OK in this Department...I Stay Strong in my Program, and in Balancing things in Life...
The Moment that I Get Overwhelmed, the Moment My Feelings get Hurt, the Moment I'm Struggling to Find a Reason or Purpose in my Life... I Go and Do Something Stupid, to Punish Myself Worth, that will Surely Bring Shame & Guilt back like Vengeance...
It's Almost Like I Enjoy Causing Myself Pain! And what I have Noticed is I have Done this My Whole Life, More Layers Peeled back from My Onion of Life! More of My Sickness Revealed...
I'm Not Sure how to Get out of this one! Mentally... It's Not Something I Can Take back! And it Lives in My Head Everyday!
Sometimes I Think I have "Faked it... Till Ya Make It!" Too Long! So Long that I Don't Even Know what Fake & Real is Anymore! I Know this is Just one of my Lows, and I have to Find a way to Crawl back up, and I Guess that's Why I'm Writing this out, So I Can Somehow Find Healing without Judgement in this and Change the Insanity of my Behavior! I have been here long enough to know this is My Responsibility... My Big Slip! But there are times when these lows Really Knock the Wind out of me!
And I think what Kills me the Most is that I Can't Even Blame Alcohol on this one, because the Only Thing I haven't Screwed up is My Sobriety!
It's Not like A lot Know about this, only one other person on earth and to them... It's No Big Deal! To Me! It's Totally Tarnished the Person I was Striving to Be! It's Totally Thrown me back to that Wounded Girl that Rebels at the First Sight of Fear...
Thanks for Letting Me Share! And Thank you In Advance for your Love, Understanding & ESH!
I'm Gonna Keep Coming Back! Cause I Need ya's All
Jozie
((((Jozie)))) Whats in my tools box is practice, practice, practice....That is what I got from the fellowship and sponsorship when I was worried about falling back into old non-workable behaviors. The old behaviors really sucked when I was into using them and I pained for a longtime and until Al-Anon came into my life. Keep on keeping on sister. ((((hugs))))
So, I convinced myself...denial, fear, whatever you want to call it. Sure, I guess we are all ready when we are ready...but at a certain point, my life is a result of my own decisions, actions, and non-decisions and lack of action. Yes, go gentle unto myself. I get that. I am going on 26 years in alanon. I live a wonderful life -- as a result of all the work I've done over the course of those years, and more.
For me, recovery is about honesty, objectivity, and accountability.
Reminding myself that I am powerless, yet willing to trust a power greater than I and recommitting my will to that power helps me greatly. Your share also did remind me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Returning to the step one also helps me to realize that This Too Shall Pass - as the only thing constant is change.
If it helps, anytime I am in 'this place', when I get to the other side, I have learned something of value and have grown again. There is something about me that most of my growth/change comes from pain, and often that pain is self-inflicted. Last year, as part of a study group, we committed to each other to add the practice of positive affirmations to our daily program efforts. For me, most of my serenity and joy comes from pure unconditional love, so I have added a simple prayer to my mornings - Please remind me that I am loving, loved and lovable.
I love that we get a 'do-over' each day, as we practice One Day at a Time. I view today as a clean slate. I can decide what to do, for this day only, that best aligns me with my HP, my recovery and my journey. You work an awesome program of recovery my friend - I'm sending you positive energy, thoughts and prayers that just for today, you practice gentle self-love and trusting your program! (((Hugs))) - glad you are back!
During these times, it's very easy to "should" all over myself. Like, because I have Al-Anon I shouldn't be reacting so strongly and I should be snapping out of it with a laissez-faire attitude. But that hasn't been the case. Maybe some day it'll get easier, but beating myself up over my reaction does me no good.
Perfectionism is self-abuse.
If anything, I think it's great that you're recognizing these feelings and admitting your discomfort with them because it could be far worse - you could be on auto-pilot right now, leaking all over yourself and everyone and not even know it. Being conscious of a thing can help me move through Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
You're a human being. Be gentle with yourself. This, too, shall pass.
In the meantime, I know that whenever I feel completely lost in something, it's time to turn it over to God. Ask God to come in. I often say "God, here. I'm giving you these feelings and emotions because I can't handle them. These are YOURS now. You do with them what you will."
Glad you're here, Jozie. Keep coming back.
Thanks Brother... I've been Struggling for awhile now, and it seems Harder for me to stay Grounded in the Winter Months when I'm Stuck indoors. Part of my Winter Blues I Suppose, Which always seems leaves My Recovery harder to stay Focused on the Here & Now!
And Did I Read Correctly? You Left the Islands for CA... WOW... Sorry I Wasn't here for your move. I Hope things are Going well with you, as rarely are you far from my Thoughts!... I'm Gonna "Keep on Keepin On" :) Much Love and Gratitude always!
Jozie
Thank you, I Have Never Had it Wrote up like that and I Do Appreciate your Thoughts, and Your Recover and How you Get there! Denial has always been a Road Block for me over the Years, and Way before I Found Al-Anon, I Didn't Deny what I had Done, but I have Many times Denied how it has Effected me in my life, the True Pain it has Caused, deep within my Soul... Those Layers are Painful, and at times I'll Graze the Surface and Run Like Hell... But Then I Pull my Big Girls Up and Start again.
I've Never Been One to Admit Fear, and because of that Pattern, I Also Sit in a lot of Shame & Guilt, and in Working with my Sponsor and Doing another Step 4 & 5 in Nov. it helped till I Hit this Next Bump, so it's time to Go back and Start Again... And in this Situation it all Stemmed from "Unacceptable Behavior" that I've Accepted to Long!
So Thank you for your Share... I know Not All Tools work in the same way for Everyone, so I'm Always Grateful for a New Spin or Twist on Someone else's Toolbox :)
Gratitude
Jozie
Thank You for Always Being a Soft Spot to Land... You have No Idea How much Your Kindness has Helped my Healing over this Past Decade! Your Recovery is Amazing and your Time you Spend Helping others on this Board and Lord Knows where Else. Is that of a Saint from My Seat... So THANK YOU :)
Love & Prayers Always
Jozie
Thank you :) Your Right, I've Landed Right back at Step One! Not Taking that Drink has Teetered on the Edge more then Once in these Last 14 months, A lot of Ups and Downs and Uncertainty has been in my life, and though I Try my best not to Look to Hard in the Future and stay in the Present, at times I Struggle trying to figure out if the Life I have is Really the Life I Want.
I Know that So Many have it So Much Worse then I Do, and I Try Daily to Stay in Gratitude and Remember All My Blessings and Remind myself of them Daily, but Sometimes I Just Have to Pout and Stomp My Feet and Cause a Ruckus! One thing I've Learned is 99% of the time the Only Person I Aim to Hurt in all the Insanity is ME! It's like if I Punish Myself for the Bad Behavior it somehow Makes it Better... When in Reality I Know how Ridiculous that Sounds, but its a Pattern that Just Jumps out of Me Sometimes... And I Don't Care to have that Trait, and tho I've Over Come So Many! Seems I Always Find another Deep Beyond the Surface...
And you are Correct, For Me to Grow it always seems to be through Pain I have to Get there! And Like Stated, Most of Which is Self Inflicted! Even After a Decade, I'm Still Very Much A Work in Progress :)
And THANK YOU for the Welcome... I've Missed ya's and Know I have to get better at Staying In this Part of My Program, Just as Much as My Weekly Meetings and Such! I'm Going to Cash in on My "Do Over" Day and Do My Best to Make Better Choices that are not Self Destructive :) So Thank you My Friend for All your Understanding and Love & ESH
Most Grateful always
Jozie
Thank you... I Also am a "Should'er" I Run Every thing thru there when I'm Deep in my Martyr... And the Winter Season seems to bring it out 10 fold... These Last 11 Years, I have got "Better" at Anxiety, but that was Only after I Admitted that's what it was... I was in Denial So Long, but after Researching Everything I Could Find about Anxiety, I had to step out of that Denial and Admit, there was something I was Just Powerless over and that was One! "At that time!"
Like you, My Stress Levels have Dropped Tremendously Since Coming to Al-Anon and Working my Program, Owning Mine, and Not Everyone Else was Huge! But its Almost like when things Get "Too Stress Free" I Have to Stir things up like the Wounded Child from my old Alcoholic Home! Awareness is HUGE For me! and Why I Came here to Express it because it's Safer then My Small town Home Group! My Sponsor is Great, but she too has been Struggling in her Health, and Her Mom's Health... And Even Though She Assures me Always, One of My Other Character Defects is I Don't Like to Burden Others! And I'm Still Working on that One, and She knows I Struggle Terrible in this Department...
I've Turned to the 3 A's thru this and I've Made Myself Very Aware, and I've Accepted it was a Self Inflicted Action but Getting to the Finish Line of that Action is the Struggle, but I Know HP Is With Me, and I am Doing My Best to Turn it over and NOT Take it Back! But I Appreciate your Prayer, And your Share, because it Gives me More for My Own Tool Box...
The Love on this Board, is So Healing for me! I've Never had a Safer Place to Put My True Honesty... I'm Humbled by All that take the time to Share their ESH, and Help others in the Worst times of their Lives...
Thanks for Being here, And its Good to Be Back Home
Jozie
"Try giving your inner critic a name and a wardrobe. Offer them a cup of tea and even a nap. They must be exhausted from constantly going over all those negative thoughts."
You're welcome and thank you Jozie!!! When I read your post, that was what immediately resonated with me. The "old habit" thing is like that old scar, that old bruise, whatever you want to call it...that seems like it just won't go away, LOL. So, for me, I grew up with dad teaching me to do one thing uncomfortable every single day, do one thing outside your comfort zone, every single day. That's how you grow, and that's ultimately, what living is. To my father's disappointment, baseball was not my best sport, by far, and it was apparent early on that I would not grow up and play for the NY Mets. LOL. But growing up playing little league my father passionately taught me the difference between -- watching 3 pitches go by, not swinging, and being struck out, as opposed to swinging at 3 pitches and striking out. Life lesson learned.
In recovery, I focus on my recovery. Period. Even when I sponsor someone, their recovery is their recovery. Sometimes you have to allow a person to arrive at their own conclusion, even when that conclusion is not a pretty one. Like, when someone realizes they are where they are, because of their own actions, not taking action, their own decisions, not making decisions, denial, procrastination, or whatever the case might be. I go to face to face meetings, and I try to learn from every share, from every person's perspective. However, I learn from other people's recovery...and I have learned more from other people's lack of recovery. Meeting makers make it. Stick with the winners. In order to stick with the winners, you have to identify them. Sometimes you have to identify the non-winners. I won't use the word losers, LOL. There are no losers in recovery...but there are non-winners, LOL.
In my experience, most people who are in denial have no idea they are in denial. Sometimes in a race, you are so far in second place...you actually think you are winning the race! LOL. When you are "in it" you just don't know you are "in it" and everything may appear to be somewhat fine, OK, normal, etc. Yes, when you are in crisis and at the end of your rope, you tend to know it. But I've seen people sit in denial, for years. Its sad. But, to each their own. They arrive at a point when they are ready to arrive at a point...or they don't. To each their own.
Sometimes denial is conscious. Sometimes unconscious. It can be the content of the person, or a situation. Or, it can be the context. It takes on many forms. Whatever it is...for me, I always wanted, needed, and hoped, for someone to tell me that I could be in denial. Fear was never an issue in that respect however. My father always taught me, you walk right up to the lion, grab him and stick your head right in his mouth...sometimes the lion eats you, and sometimes you eat the lion...but it the lion eats you, two things...one, you didn't succumb to fear...and two, make sure the lion chokes on you! LOL. My relationship and dealings with fear have come full circle in my life. My life lesson on fear was from an incident when I was 13 years old. I was traveling with my father and we were in a plane crash. However, I did not learn the lesson until 30 years later. I was 43 and called my father one night. We talked. And he taught me my life lesson on fear that night. 30 years life lesson in the making.
I understand everything you are saying Jozie. I really do. And I have always had compassion at the core of who I am. Go gentle unto yourself. Yes, absolutely, be gentle with yourself...however, have awareness that there can be a line, perhaps a fine line, perhaps a very vague line, where once crossed, gentle can turn into and manifest...complacency, denial, fear, procrastination, and who knows what else. Powerless, can morph into victimization. Acceptance can transmute into being treated poorly and unacceptably. And so on.
Think about plutonium...it can be very, very powerful...and can also be very, very dangerous...and should only be handled by experts. LOL.
All the best.
I PM'd you.
Hugs S :)