I was married to an abusive (in every way possible) alcoholic for 15 years. It took a very old friend of mine to help me realize that I was worth more than what I had been told for so long. One of my children ended up being an addict, not only because of his bio-dad's genetics but because of my ex-husband being abusive. My oldest child has moved, and I have no idea where. I know that he is no longer living in the state. He has not told me this, but I have figured it out from social media at this point. I also have not asked. I am unable to help him at this point, because he does not want help. He is very good at saying that he does, in order to get what he wants, but I am no longer able to support him in the way that he wants.
My other child has finally started to realize that when I left her father, regardless of the circumstances, I had good reason to do so. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to her almost since the time that I left him. Luckily he has not had the chance to be physically abusive due to him not currently being in the same country.
The main reason that I decided to post is because at this point I, myself, need some support from a community that will understand. My now ex-husband has had almost 6 months to get the house that we shared together refinanced, in order to remove my name from it and so he can stop ruining my credit. He has been unable to obtain any financing up to this point, meaning that I am in limbo with moving on with my life because I cannot obtain a home loan. I am unable to do anything because I have this debt, that is no longer legally mine, but my name is still on it. This is super frustrating, but supposedly he has obtained the financing that he needs as long as he can get some work done on the house. We will see. I am not going to hold my breath until I find out. I am not anticipating anything great from him at this point.
My step-father, a man who has help raise me since I was a very small child, had major surgery almost 2 months ago. He has been doing very well, at least we all thought he was. Now I am wondering if he was just trying to make progress in order to get closer to home. He declared 2 days ago to his doctor, my mother, myself, and my step-siblings that he wants to be put on hospice care. He has stated this 2 days in a row now and his doctor cannot stall very long. We are hoping that a couple days will change his mind, but he is so insistent at this point I do not believe that he is going to change his mind. I believe, and from what he told me and my siblings, he is done and ready to go. He doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. He just wants to no longer hurt.
The icing on the cake. My ex-mother-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. When I was married to her son I was her favorite, we did all kinds of things together and she treated me like the daughter she never had. That all changed when I left her son. I was pretty much frozen out after I left. So, getting the news from my daughter that she has breast cancer, and knowing her she has had symptoms for a long time prior to going to the doctor, and knowing that it has probably spread, just topped everything off for me.
I feel overwhelmed with emotion and I am not quite sure how to process all of this. I feel trapped by my ex even though I have left him and everything, except the mortgage, has been separated. I feel like there is something that I should do for my father, but I do not know what to do. I feel like I should reach out to my child's grandmother, but I do not know how. I feel lost. I am not looking for sympathy. I wanted to get these feelings out of my head. I wanted to do so somewhere where someone would understand. Thank you for taking the time to read my very long rant.
Maresie888 said
Jan 26, 2020
I am sorry to hear of these issues
When I left the now ex A my finances were at an all time low. There were also a number of things that were held over for a long time
I.did not have a good relationship with my #in laws#
One of the ironies was after the ex A and I split up the ex mother in law married one of her childhood sweethearts. She promptly moved several states away.
Leaving a long term relationship is never easy. The ex A and I were no married .
I.was extremely short of funds at the time
No leaving is perfect. I leave jobs all the time. In fact I m getting ready to leave one job right now
The ex A and I were together for a long time obviously it was too long in that case
Leaving a marriage is wrenching.
When I left the ex A we tried to split up our pets. He failed abysmally as a pet owner
I.ended up with all the pets which was a huge financial burden m
Ironically it was the way he treated the pets that was one of the breaking points for me
I hope you will choose to share more. Leaving is terribly difficult. You deserve support
Iamhere said
Jan 26, 2020
(((TLynn))) - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am so sorry that life is throwing so many things your way, at the same time - it can certainly be overwhelming. I encourage you to seek out and attend local Face-to-Face Al-Anon meetings. You will find local support and a group of others who truly do understand.
Alcoholism is a family disease, and it's progressive - not just for the A. Many of us who have lived with this disease or loved another with it have been affected in ways we just don't even know/realize. I was born into this disease, married an A and have 2 sons, both affected with this disease. I have found hope and help in recovery and know now that I am not alone.
Keep coming back - you are worth it!
Lyne said
Jan 26, 2020
Welcome TLynn-Your plate is full and anyone in your shoes would need support to get through everything that you described. I cant explain exactly how alanon can help, because it is through the interaction with others and hearing about our tools that will help you cope, survive, and yes even feel better and healthier. Alcoholism brings people to the brink of despair. It took away my self-esteem, it did great damage to my son and dtr in law, and its taken a long while for me to heal. But my attention to this program has brought me excellent results. I encourage you to give alanon a try. Lyne
Bo said
Jan 26, 2020
Welcome...the feeling of being overwhelmed, in every way -- financially, emotionally, circumstances, spiritually, etc. -- is very, very common. It is one of the very common byproducts of the disease of alcoholism, and the disease we have, the way the disease of alcoholism impacts our lives. That said, when we are ready, there are steps (no pun intended) we can take that will begin our journey to get better, to get healthy.
For me, it was simple...first...meeting makers make it...go to face to face alanon meetings, as many and as often as you can. Give it a chance. You may not like every meeting, and while every meeting may be different in form, structure, etc., any official, conference approved alanon meeting, will follow the alanon program, the steps, and from a program perspective, will be the same. However, go to several meetings. Hopefully there are plenty in your area. Even if there aren't, go more than once, give them a chance. So, meeting makers make it. There is a saying in alanon...90 in 90...meaning 90 meetings in 90 days...go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did 90 in 90, more than once, and I can't express how it not just helped -- but changed my life, my situation, my health and well-being, allowed me to find a place I could never have imagined, one of peace, serenity, and a place where I could live, a place of happiness, being healthy, and where I could make decisions without the impact of the disease of alcoholism, fear, duress, chaos, turmoil, drama, pain, anger, and so much more. I was able to make decisions from a place of health, happiness, intellect, a place of strength, quality, sound, healthy thinking, and so much more.
Second, I got a sponsor. I worked with him, met with him, talked to him, every single day. As part of this, I had to be completely open and honest. Having a sponsor allowed me to have something I so desperately needed, didn't know I needed, and didn't know I wanted -- and some people don't want it -- and that is objectivity!!! I couldn't be objective. I was so "in it" and didn't even know I was "in it" -- and didn't know my thinking was jaded, distorted, corrupted, hijacked, etc. Objectivity, for me was critical! I needed someone who was not in it, to be objective, and give me guidance, point things out that I could and would never see, and so much more. This also brought about something else I personally wanted and that was accountability. This too is something mot people don't want, but I did.
Third, I made change. Baby steps at first. Little by slowly. Progress not perfection. Alanon is a program of change...specifically I, WE, US, that is not only who has to change, but the only person we can change, ourselves!
Alanon is not a program to get you to leave, to stay, to separate, to divorce, to renew vows, LOL, etc. It is a program for us to get better, for us to get healthy...and then you can do what it is you want, need, desire, etc., to do.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 26, 2020
Welcome lynn0.
I am very sorry to hear of all the tumult in your life. Like Lynn shared above, I don't know really exactly how Al-Anon works - I initially thought all the slogans were just lip-service and wouldn't really help - but the program does work!
I found my sponsor was someone who listened without complaint, and also called my bluff when I needed it! She also provided objectivity... another POV... something I desperately needed when I was in the thick of things.
Keep sharing. Don't ever feel bad for the length of your posts, b/c it is sometimes the only way to get the racing thoughts out of your brain!
&
lynn0628tammy said
Jan 26, 2020
Thanks for the support. The main reason that I reached out in this forum is that I live in a small town and there are not many meetings that I am able to attend. This is due to the fact that I am a night shift worker and the meetings are all in the evening. I will try to find a face to face meeting that I can attend, but thus far I have had no luck.
JerryF said
Jan 26, 2020
Aloha Lynn and welcome also to the board...I just recently moved back to the u.s. area I got into Al-Anon in from my home in Hawaii. I have been in the program since 1979 and I was born in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. This disease if not stopped by total abstinence can and often is fatal to the drinker/user and or the family it will not be cured.
Our recovery is called social model recovery one that is worked and spread by one person who has been healed helping another to find the healing also. You are not alone in any way shape or form. You came to the computer and found others who understand and have experience to share with you that may also help you if with an open mind you follow thru.
My early sponsor suggested to me that I should look for and find every source of help about alcoholism that I could find to come to an understanding of what I was up against being married to an alcoholic/addict who was only one alcoholic addict in a long line in my life. I followed his help and suggestion which included college and more and doing service to families and individuals as a therapist and am still growing in understanding. Ours is a progressive disease...never getting better always worse.
If you don't find a way toward attending meetings with other recovering Al-Anon members keep coming back here very often and read with an open mind. Scroll back in time for earlier entries. Check information services that will teach and make contact with those who you trust who have real experience with this disease.
Early on I use to follow Al-Anon members and personally ask them for help. I never got turned down and then the miracles start and keep coming.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Jan 26, 2020
lynn0628tammy wrote:
Thanks for the support. The main reason that I reached out in this forum is that I live in a small town and there are not many meetings that I am able to attend. This is due to the fact that I am a night shift worker and the meetings are all in the evening. I will try to find a face to face meeting that I can attend, but thus far I have had no luck.
I understand the challenges of getting to meetings due to work, schedule, family/children, and when there aren't a lot of meetings. Check out the Alanon World Services website. There are web/chatroom meetings and telephone (call-in) meetings, and possibly more (Skype, although I am not certain), and you are assured of getting official, conference approved, alanon meetings. Sure, they are (in my experience) a different dynamic than face to face meetings, but I've found they are the next best thing. It works if you work it, and if you want to, and are committed, you'll figure it out.
All the best.
Iamhere said
Jan 26, 2020
lynn0628tammy - hopefully, something will shake out for you locally - I am fortunate to be in an area that has many meeting options, and it's true that work schedule, kids, kid activities, etc. take time from a busy life! As women, we also tend to manage most of the home chores, etc. If you look here, top left, you'll see a meeting schedule and a link to the meeting/chat room. I attended twice a day for a long while in the beginning as it just helped keep me grounded, and when I needed support, I was less concerned about 'official' vs. 'unofficial' and more concerned about loving support from others who understood. I am not sure how often the meetings happen but did want you to know about that option.
Also, if you look to the top right, you'll see the Step Work Board. That's where any member who wants to can explore more about the steps we use in Al-Anon recovery. Most Al-Anon members also use literature that is CAL - Conference Approved Literature. You can get that from the official Al-Anon website as well as Amazon. Our local library in my area has quite a few of the various books, so I was able to check out a couple until I was able to get my own (and decide which I wanted).
Keep coming back - there is no perfect way to get support in recovery - we're all about progress and growth - not perfection! (((Hugs)))
Aloha said
Jan 27, 2020
Glad you're here Lynn - I understand just needing to get everything out. I find it healing at times and that action itself sometimes seems to start the path to solutions for me.
Hope things open up for you to get to some meetings. As others have shared, there are other electronic / phone meetings you can participate in, as well.
Keep coming back
Jozie said
Jan 28, 2020
(((TLynn)))
Welcome, I'm So Glad your Here! First Let me say I'm Sorry to hear you are So Overwhelmed in Emotions... I Can Sure Relate to that More then Not! but you are in For sure in the Right Place :)
I too come from a Small town with Limited Meetings, there are Only (3) a Week, and only One in my Time Frame... but I Committed to that one 110% and Grateful for it non the less...
But that is what I Love about Miracles in Progress... It's Open 24 Hours a day 7 days a week, and they also have Meetings on-line! Now don't get me wrong there is Nothing Like going to a F2F Meeting and Greeting Others for Hugs & ESH... But till you can Find one to fit your Schedule, these options are a Great Start to finding your Serenity...
My Prayers are with you & your Family as it sounds a tough road is ahead, Having Support like we do here, will indeed Slow & Steady get you to a better Place! And all ya have to do is Keep Coming Back, Read the Literature, Interact with others Members and Have an Open Mind... The Rest HP will Take Care...
So Glad Your Here! Please Take what you Like and Leave the Rest...
I was married to an abusive (in every way possible) alcoholic for 15 years. It took a very old friend of mine to help me realize that I was worth more than what I had been told for so long. One of my children ended up being an addict, not only because of his bio-dad's genetics but because of my ex-husband being abusive. My oldest child has moved, and I have no idea where. I know that he is no longer living in the state. He has not told me this, but I have figured it out from social media at this point. I also have not asked. I am unable to help him at this point, because he does not want help. He is very good at saying that he does, in order to get what he wants, but I am no longer able to support him in the way that he wants.
My other child has finally started to realize that when I left her father, regardless of the circumstances, I had good reason to do so. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to her almost since the time that I left him. Luckily he has not had the chance to be physically abusive due to him not currently being in the same country.
The main reason that I decided to post is because at this point I, myself, need some support from a community that will understand. My now ex-husband has had almost 6 months to get the house that we shared together refinanced, in order to remove my name from it and so he can stop ruining my credit. He has been unable to obtain any financing up to this point, meaning that I am in limbo with moving on with my life because I cannot obtain a home loan. I am unable to do anything because I have this debt, that is no longer legally mine, but my name is still on it. This is super frustrating, but supposedly he has obtained the financing that he needs as long as he can get some work done on the house. We will see. I am not going to hold my breath until I find out. I am not anticipating anything great from him at this point.
My step-father, a man who has help raise me since I was a very small child, had major surgery almost 2 months ago. He has been doing very well, at least we all thought he was. Now I am wondering if he was just trying to make progress in order to get closer to home. He declared 2 days ago to his doctor, my mother, myself, and my step-siblings that he wants to be put on hospice care. He has stated this 2 days in a row now and his doctor cannot stall very long. We are hoping that a couple days will change his mind, but he is so insistent at this point I do not believe that he is going to change his mind. I believe, and from what he told me and my siblings, he is done and ready to go. He doesn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. He just wants to no longer hurt.
The icing on the cake. My ex-mother-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. When I was married to her son I was her favorite, we did all kinds of things together and she treated me like the daughter she never had. That all changed when I left her son. I was pretty much frozen out after I left. So, getting the news from my daughter that she has breast cancer, and knowing her she has had symptoms for a long time prior to going to the doctor, and knowing that it has probably spread, just topped everything off for me.
I feel overwhelmed with emotion and I am not quite sure how to process all of this. I feel trapped by my ex even though I have left him and everything, except the mortgage, has been separated. I feel like there is something that I should do for my father, but I do not know what to do. I feel like I should reach out to my child's grandmother, but I do not know how. I feel lost. I am not looking for sympathy. I wanted to get these feelings out of my head. I wanted to do so somewhere where someone would understand. Thank you for taking the time to read my very long rant.
Alcoholism is a family disease, and it's progressive - not just for the A. Many of us who have lived with this disease or loved another with it have been affected in ways we just don't even know/realize. I was born into this disease, married an A and have 2 sons, both affected with this disease. I have found hope and help in recovery and know now that I am not alone.
Keep coming back - you are worth it!
For me, it was simple...first...meeting makers make it...go to face to face alanon meetings, as many and as often as you can. Give it a chance. You may not like every meeting, and while every meeting may be different in form, structure, etc., any official, conference approved alanon meeting, will follow the alanon program, the steps, and from a program perspective, will be the same. However, go to several meetings. Hopefully there are plenty in your area. Even if there aren't, go more than once, give them a chance. So, meeting makers make it. There is a saying in alanon...90 in 90...meaning 90 meetings in 90 days...go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did 90 in 90, more than once, and I can't express how it not just helped -- but changed my life, my situation, my health and well-being, allowed me to find a place I could never have imagined, one of peace, serenity, and a place where I could live, a place of happiness, being healthy, and where I could make decisions without the impact of the disease of alcoholism, fear, duress, chaos, turmoil, drama, pain, anger, and so much more. I was able to make decisions from a place of health, happiness, intellect, a place of strength, quality, sound, healthy thinking, and so much more.
Second, I got a sponsor. I worked with him, met with him, talked to him, every single day. As part of this, I had to be completely open and honest. Having a sponsor allowed me to have something I so desperately needed, didn't know I needed, and didn't know I wanted -- and some people don't want it -- and that is objectivity!!! I couldn't be objective. I was so "in it" and didn't even know I was "in it" -- and didn't know my thinking was jaded, distorted, corrupted, hijacked, etc. Objectivity, for me was critical! I needed someone who was not in it, to be objective, and give me guidance, point things out that I could and would never see, and so much more. This also brought about something else I personally wanted and that was accountability. This too is something mot people don't want, but I did.
Third, I made change. Baby steps at first. Little by slowly. Progress not perfection. Alanon is a program of change...specifically I, WE, US, that is not only who has to change, but the only person we can change, ourselves!
Alanon is not a program to get you to leave, to stay, to separate, to divorce, to renew vows, LOL, etc. It is a program for us to get better, for us to get healthy...and then you can do what it is you want, need, desire, etc., to do.
I am very sorry to hear of all the tumult in your life. Like Lynn shared above, I don't know really exactly how Al-Anon works - I initially thought all the slogans were just lip-service and wouldn't really help - but the program does work!
I found my sponsor was someone who listened without complaint, and also called my bluff when I needed it! She also provided objectivity... another POV... something I desperately needed when I was in the thick of things.
Keep sharing. Don't ever feel bad for the length of your posts, b/c it is sometimes the only way to get the racing thoughts out of your brain!
Thanks for the support. The main reason that I reached out in this forum is that I live in a small town and there are not many meetings that I am able to attend. This is due to the fact that I am a night shift worker and the meetings are all in the evening. I will try to find a face to face meeting that I can attend, but thus far I have had no luck.
Aloha Lynn and welcome also to the board...I just recently moved back to the u.s. area I got into Al-Anon in from my home in Hawaii. I have been in the program since 1979 and I was born in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. This disease if not stopped by total abstinence can and often is fatal to the drinker/user and or the family it will not be cured.
Our recovery is called social model recovery one that is worked and spread by one person who has been healed helping another to find the healing also. You are not alone in any way shape or form. You came to the computer and found others who understand and have experience to share with you that may also help you if with an open mind you follow thru.
My early sponsor suggested to me that I should look for and find every source of help about alcoholism that I could find to come to an understanding of what I was up against being married to an alcoholic/addict who was only one alcoholic addict in a long line in my life. I followed his help and suggestion which included college and more and doing service to families and individuals as a therapist and am still growing in understanding. Ours is a progressive disease...never getting better always worse.
If you don't find a way toward attending meetings with other recovering Al-Anon members keep coming back here very often and read with an open mind. Scroll back in time for earlier entries. Check information services that will teach and make contact with those who you trust who have real experience with this disease.
Early on I use to follow Al-Anon members and personally ask them for help. I never got turned down and then the miracles start and keep coming.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I understand the challenges of getting to meetings due to work, schedule, family/children, and when there aren't a lot of meetings. Check out the Alanon World Services website. There are web/chatroom meetings and telephone (call-in) meetings, and possibly more (Skype, although I am not certain), and you are assured of getting official, conference approved, alanon meetings. Sure, they are (in my experience) a different dynamic than face to face meetings, but I've found they are the next best thing. It works if you work it, and if you want to, and are committed, you'll figure it out.
All the best.
Also, if you look to the top right, you'll see the Step Work Board. That's where any member who wants to can explore more about the steps we use in Al-Anon recovery. Most Al-Anon members also use literature that is CAL - Conference Approved Literature. You can get that from the official Al-Anon website as well as Amazon. Our local library in my area has quite a few of the various books, so I was able to check out a couple until I was able to get my own (and decide which I wanted).
Keep coming back - there is no perfect way to get support in recovery - we're all about progress and growth - not perfection! (((Hugs)))
Hope things open up for you to get to some meetings. As others have shared, there are other electronic / phone meetings you can participate in, as well.
Keep coming back
Welcome, I'm So Glad your Here! First Let me say I'm Sorry to hear you are So Overwhelmed in Emotions... I Can Sure Relate to that More then Not! but you are in For sure in the Right Place :)
I too come from a Small town with Limited Meetings, there are Only (3) a Week, and only One in my Time Frame... but I Committed to that one 110% and Grateful for it non the less...
But that is what I Love about Miracles in Progress... It's Open 24 Hours a day 7 days a week, and they also have Meetings on-line! Now don't get me wrong there is Nothing Like going to a F2F Meeting and Greeting Others for Hugs & ESH... But till you can Find one to fit your Schedule, these options are a Great Start to finding your Serenity...
My Prayers are with you & your Family as it sounds a tough road is ahead, Having Support like we do here, will indeed Slow & Steady get you to a better Place! And all ya have to do is Keep Coming Back, Read the Literature, Interact with others Members and Have an Open Mind... The Rest HP will Take Care...
So Glad Your Here! Please Take what you Like and Leave the Rest...
One Day at a Time
Jozie