I want to start by thanking everyone here for all their kind words of encouragement and hope.
My brother is my qualifier and Im at such a lose as to what to do. Hes been struggling for years and been in and out of rehab. Hes Been involved with A.A. for years. Hes done individual therapy, group therapy , out patient programs. Pretty much everything. Hes had long periods Of time of sobriety but this last year he has really been struggling. To make things More complicated we work together in a family business with my parents. So this is a truly a family disease. hes Just at a point right now where he doesnt want help. Not that he doesnt think he needs it , but not interested in it. I know I cant force anything upon him and I can only control my actions and my thoughts. Ive attended A few al anon meetings and am Reading al anon literature daily. Unfortunately with two young children I dont have enough time to go to meetings as much as Id like. Im trying to shift my focus into myself , my wife and and children. Its hard to detatch when I work with him. Its just seems like everyday my mind goes somewhere it shouldnt. I apologize for the rambling just trying to get all my thoughts together.
Reading all of your posts bave helped but I need to commit more to my own self care and my own program. I need to let go and let god.
Thank you all for listening
Iamhere said
Jan 24, 2020
Jnazarieh - welcome to MIP....So very glad you found us and glad that you also shared. I am sorry for the pain you are having and can relate to how hard it is to watch a loved one progress in this disease. I love that you're planning to focus on self, your own program and letting go/letting God.
I hope you have local Al-Anon meetings to attend. They are a huge part of my recovery as I found a safe place to share and ask questions and a healthy group of others who understand to share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope). It's also where I was able to get literature, which I read/meditate on daily.
Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone. There is hope and help in recovery!
Debb said
Jan 24, 2020
Like Iamhere, I welcome you as well to MIP and grateful that you found this board to share your pain.
We learn in Al Anon to take one day at a time, because each day brings us new hope for ourselves and the people in our lives that are suffering from addiction.
It is hard to accept, but important to do, that we know that (the 3C's): I Didnt Cause It, I Can't Change It and I Can't Cure It.
Glad you have the literature and are reading daily, working the 12 Steps is an important start and going to face to face meeting is equally important.
Keep coming back and as Iamhere stated there is hope for your recovery.
DavidG said
Jan 24, 2020
Nice to see you here, J. Welcome... ...
tiredtonite said
Jan 24, 2020
Welcome Jnazarieh. Glad you joined us. It's a tough one to be working with a loved one every day and trying to practice detachment. I have to think that it feels close to living with an active alcoholic in the home. Additionally, this is your work and business and livelihood as it is his as well. That can mean emeshment on a lot of levels - a bit like a marriage. Things can be further complicated if you brother has any say in how family business is conducted. This can affect family not only emotionally but financially as well. It's further complicated when not all family involved are on the same page concerning alcoholism and it's affects to the alcoholic and those who love them. Denial can cause loving parents on particular lose their assets due to believing promises of their child who is actively drinking without them knowing. There seems an need for additonal financial measures to be put in place to safeguard the livelihood that an entire family is depending on. I say this from personal experience as an ex whose ah drained his family's business accounts, fractured business relationships and had numerous accidents on the job due to his using. All of this cause family chaos and tension. Sadly, I was the only one in recovery so reasoning things out was often one sided while the rest were in reaction mode. Often there was an atmosphere of high drama with a focus on my exah.
I hope you can get to more in person meetings. It seems more and more have childcare. It heartbreaking to watch someone we love struggle to stay sober. It hard not to hope for permanent sobriety during times of sobriety. It definitely not an easy road for the alcoholic nor the family. Practicing self care, compassion and asking my hp daily to keep taking good care of loved ones have been good Alanon tools for me today for keeping my serenity and focus on my own life's responsibilities. And leading with recovery behaviors has been really helpful when interacting with family who are still active in their disease. My loved one is under that illness and I never want to lose sight of that. Alanon says "we'll love until you can love yourself." I can do this with the alcoholics in my life now without enabling. Alanon has taught me about healthy boundaries. I hope you'll keep coming back to share and I'm sorry your brother is struggling. He's familiar with his program and that's a plus. Take good care. TT
Jnazarieh said
Jan 24, 2020
Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. I know I need to work my program and stick to it. I cant let one person dictate my happiness and serenity!
Enigmatic said
Jan 25, 2020
Hey Jnaz, welcome
I relate to many things you've expressed. I, like many others here, found AlAnon when I was maxed out, had tried everything I could think of and was torn by anger, frustration, resentment, fear, and guilt for all of the above.
It sounds like you're taking some really good steps. I, too, found reading the AlAnon books and face to face meetings an immense help.
Drop in anytime, so glad you have found some positive resources!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 25, 2020
J- Even though I loathe the disease (the thing that brought you here), I would like to welcome you. This place can be a lifesaver! You have the disease around you from two different angles.... emotional and business/financial. My heart goes out to you, and I am sending you support over the webs!
Your head is in the right place... keep taking one baby-step at a time. Return when you need support or just a place to unload!
&
Maresie888 said
Jan 26, 2020
I have been enmeshed in many dysfunctional organizations
I can relate to not being able to detach
Al.anon.has many tools
One of them I find very helpful is acceptance
Acceptance sounds like defeat but it is anything but
Detachment sounds like giving up but it is
energy. Saving a great reprieve..
I have been practicing thise skills for sometime now. My life is as challenging now as it ever was . Al anon has helped me immensely
Mary
Bo said
Jan 26, 2020
When you begin to do the work...and begin to work the alanon program...and learn the meaning, the methodology, the mindset, behind the slogans...it can be, similar to an epiphany, V-8, ah-ha like moment. Yes, intellectually, by definition, the newcomer/beginner may comprehend the meaning of acceptance, as a word, even perhaps as a concept...but from a practical application, day to day, how we practice what we learn, the changes we make, and so on...time takes time. It takes time to learn, and make change, so that all of the alanon tools, slogans, principles...it takes time for us, for our lives, to get better.
Admitting we are powerless over alcohol is easy. Understanding we are powerless is easy. However, acceptance is a completely different level of being, understanding, etc. Very often, it is not the drinking that causes us to be sick...often it is the fact that our efforts, everything we do to try and fix, control, prove, etc., and the failure of our efforts...is what causes us to be sick. The failure angers us, frustrates us, causes us pain, distorts our thinking...because we cannot fix it, control it, cure it...we cannot get the alcoholic to stop drinking...the alcoholic will only stop drinking if they want to, and if they do, will only do so when they want to. If and when, on their own.
Every person's life with an alcoholic is different -- a child, a sibling, a spouse/partner/significant other, a parent, co-worker, loved one, whatever and whoever the case may be. Our program gives us a framework, tools, by which we can improve our thinking, our actions, our reactions, and more. Time takes time. Acceptance, in my experience, is the foundation of our program, of recovery. Whatever your program and recovery is...acceptance is still Step One...the beginning. For me, nothing else was able to happen, without acceptance. Once I mastered acceptance, everything else fell into place...acceptance was the first domino to fall...it was the first domino that needed to fall, in order for the second, third, and every other domino after that to fall.
All the best.
JerryF said
Jan 27, 2020
Reading all of your posts bave helped but I need to commit more to my own self care and my own program. I need to let go and let god.
Now you've got it. It needs to be put into daily practice. Your entire family will benefit. In support. ((((hugs))))
Jozie said
Jan 28, 2020
Jnazarieh --- Welcome to the MIP Family... You are Definitely in the Right Place for Healing & your Own Recovery...
When I Landed here over a decade ago, I too was Here to Save My Brother (I Thought) from his disease because I just lost my Father to it, and My Goal was to save him! Everyone here was So Kind to me, and Encouraged me to make my First F2F Meeting. And every time I would speak of my Qualifier, I would always hear in Loving Hugs, "Just Keep Coming Back!"
The Short Version of my Story is: I've been Sober Myself Now for Just over 9years, it truly was a FAMILY Disease, and I had All My Focus on my Brother & Not Myself! When I Spun that around on Me, and Started Looking at Positive things "I" Could do... Turns out I Needed to Drop a Few Habits as well. And What a Whirlwind of Wonderful has entered my Life since!
My Brother is Still a Full Blown Alcoholic, but still with us, However in my Changing of My Ways, and Taking Care of myself, Since then I Now Have One Sibling who took on Sobriety and She too is now in a Program, and Also My Mother is Now Sober, without a program ... But Sober! And Watching what My Actions did for them, just makes me Happy all the time! My Brothers Kids are Now 17 & 19 and I Pray every day that I taught them enough about this Program and their options to see, they don't have to follow in Mom or Dad's footsteps...
Its Truly hard when you love them so Much and Hate to see them Struggling or Giving up, but there is Always Hope! and Like the Title says "Miracles In Progress" I Made a Choice to "Break Family Tradition" and tho Most of My Family Bailed in the beginning of my Sobriety, I Can Now Love them Where "I'm" At, without making their Nightmare Mine! I'm Very Grateful your here! And Making an Effort to see that this can Truly Change Who you are a person, and Truly Change your Life for the Better... And the Great thing is... All ya have to do is Keep Coming back and be Willing! That in it's self is a True Miracle...
Glad your Here, and Hope to Hear More from your Journey! Keep Coming Back...
Jozie
JerryF said
Jan 28, 2020
Awesome post dear sister in recovery you responded to one person in need and helped another at the same time...Mahalo from CenVal Ca. (((())))
Jnazarieh said
Jan 28, 2020
I want to thank everyone for welcoming me with such open arms. I can honestly say that I am starting to feel better each and everyday. I went to a f2f meeting last night and it really opened my eyes. I am reading a ton of literature and bit by bit moment by moment its slowly sinking in. I just need to keep going and keep reading . I appreciate each and every one of you!
Iamhere said
Jan 28, 2020
Awesome to hear you made it to a meeting Jnazarieh - glad that you found your courage and just got there! Just keep going there and hanging out here - you truly are not alone!
Jnazarieh said
Feb 5, 2020
Been having a tough few days. My brother is not doing well and is continuing his distructive behavior. Is not ready to stop and Im worried he might not ever. Ive been talking with people and reading my literature.. saying the serenity parquet several dozen times a day haha. Unfortunately Im away for work so I am not able to go to a meeting this week. Trying to detach and really focus on my self and my wife and kids, but its hard with all the chaos. Just venting and grateful I have a place to do that
Maresie888 said
Feb 5, 2020
My younger sister was a full blown alcoholic when she was 16
I am currently staying with a friend who has alcoholism issues. He is. not drinking as much. His life is really chaotic. You should see his house!
There are many tools in al.anon that can help. There are also certain guidelines and phrases that are life savers. One of them being the idea that we dont get into arguments with them
The guy who I am staying with puts the chain on the door. I have to let him know I will be back at a certain time to not chain the door
Of course we could say why put a chain on the door at all.when you have someone staying with you. Instead I use the how important i it tool.
Alcoholics even when they are not drinking have allot of turmoil and chaos the leas we get involved in their chaos the better it is.
Of course oractising that is like trying to bs a zen monk in the middle of the monsoon
Nevertheless I will say that these is an incredible sense of achievement when we can negotiate these tools in the wake of chaos
I am very very happy that this man no longer has the power to completely unnerve me
That being said I have plenty on my plate.
This is the last time I will stay with my friend
That isnt out of exasperation or anger. I simply dont need the indifference
I have been in al anon for a long time. I never thought the tools would work for me. I was always trying to change the situation. Sometimes we cannot change the situation but we can change the way we deal with it
Keep coming back
Maresie
I want to start by thanking everyone here for all their kind words of encouragement and hope.
My brother is my qualifier and Im at such a lose as to what to do. Hes been struggling for years and been in and out of rehab. Hes Been involved with A.A. for years. Hes done individual therapy, group therapy , out patient programs. Pretty much everything. Hes had long periods Of time of sobriety but this last year he has really been struggling. To make things More complicated we work together in a family business with my parents. So this is a truly a family disease. hes Just at a point right now where he doesnt want help. Not that he doesnt think he needs it , but not interested in it. I know I cant force anything upon him and I can only control my actions and my thoughts. Ive attended A few al anon meetings and am Reading al anon literature daily. Unfortunately with two young children I dont have enough time to go to meetings as much as Id like. Im trying to shift my focus into myself , my wife and and children. Its hard to detatch when I work with him. Its just seems like everyday my mind goes somewhere it shouldnt. I apologize for the rambling just trying to get all my thoughts together.
Reading all of your posts bave helped but I need to commit more to my own self care and my own program. I need to let go and let god.
Thank you all for listening
I hope you have local Al-Anon meetings to attend. They are a huge part of my recovery as I found a safe place to share and ask questions and a healthy group of others who understand to share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope). It's also where I was able to get literature, which I read/meditate on daily.
Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone. There is hope and help in recovery!
We learn in Al Anon to take one day at a time, because each day brings us new hope for ourselves and the people in our lives that are suffering from addiction.
It is hard to accept, but important to do, that we know that (the 3C's): I Didnt Cause It, I Can't Change It and I Can't Cure It.
Glad you have the literature and are reading daily, working the 12 Steps is an important start and going to face to face meeting is equally important.
Here is a link to look up meetings in your locale: al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
Keep coming back and as Iamhere stated there is hope for your recovery.
Nice to see you here, J. Welcome...
...
Welcome Jnazarieh. Glad you joined us. It's a tough one to be working with a loved one every day and trying to practice detachment. I have to think that it feels close to living with an active alcoholic in the home. Additionally, this is your work and business and livelihood as it is his as well. That can mean emeshment on a lot of levels - a bit like a marriage. Things can be further complicated if you brother has any say in how family business is conducted. This can affect family not only emotionally but financially as well. It's further complicated when not all family involved are on the same page concerning alcoholism and it's affects to the alcoholic and those who love them. Denial can cause loving parents on particular lose their assets due to believing promises of their child who is actively drinking without them knowing. There seems an need for additonal financial measures to be put in place to safeguard the livelihood that an entire family is depending on. I say this from personal experience as an ex whose ah drained his family's business accounts, fractured business relationships and had numerous accidents on the job due to his using. All of this cause family chaos and tension. Sadly, I was the only one in recovery so reasoning things out was often one sided while the rest were in reaction mode. Often there was an atmosphere of high drama with a focus on my exah.
I hope you can get to more in person meetings. It seems more and more have childcare. It heartbreaking to watch someone we love struggle to stay sober. It hard not to hope for permanent sobriety during times of sobriety. It definitely not an easy road for the alcoholic nor the family. Practicing self care, compassion and asking my hp daily to keep taking good care of loved ones have been good Alanon tools for me today for keeping my serenity and focus on my own life's responsibilities. And leading with recovery behaviors has been really helpful when interacting with family who are still active in their disease. My loved one is under that illness and I never want to lose sight of that. Alanon says "we'll love until you can love yourself." I can do this with the alcoholics in my life now without enabling. Alanon has taught me about healthy boundaries. I hope you'll keep coming back to share and I'm sorry your brother is struggling. He's familiar with his program and that's a plus. Take good care. TT
I relate to many things you've expressed. I, like many others here, found AlAnon when I was maxed out, had tried everything I could think of and was torn by anger, frustration, resentment, fear, and guilt for all of the above.
It sounds like you're taking some really good steps. I, too, found reading the AlAnon books and face to face meetings an immense help.
Drop in anytime, so glad you have found some positive resources!
J-
& 
Even though I loathe the disease (the thing that brought you here), I would like to welcome you. This place can be a lifesaver!
You have the disease around you from two different angles.... emotional and business/financial. My heart goes out to you, and I am sending you support over the webs!
Your head is in the right place... keep taking one baby-step at a time. Return when you need support or just a place to unload!
Admitting we are powerless over alcohol is easy. Understanding we are powerless is easy. However, acceptance is a completely different level of being, understanding, etc. Very often, it is not the drinking that causes us to be sick...often it is the fact that our efforts, everything we do to try and fix, control, prove, etc., and the failure of our efforts...is what causes us to be sick. The failure angers us, frustrates us, causes us pain, distorts our thinking...because we cannot fix it, control it, cure it...we cannot get the alcoholic to stop drinking...the alcoholic will only stop drinking if they want to, and if they do, will only do so when they want to. If and when, on their own.
Every person's life with an alcoholic is different -- a child, a sibling, a spouse/partner/significant other, a parent, co-worker, loved one, whatever and whoever the case may be. Our program gives us a framework, tools, by which we can improve our thinking, our actions, our reactions, and more. Time takes time. Acceptance, in my experience, is the foundation of our program, of recovery. Whatever your program and recovery is...acceptance is still Step One...the beginning. For me, nothing else was able to happen, without acceptance. Once I mastered acceptance, everything else fell into place...acceptance was the first domino to fall...it was the first domino that needed to fall, in order for the second, third, and every other domino after that to fall.
All the best.
Reading all of your posts bave helped but I need to commit more to my own self care and my own program. I need to let go and let god.
Now you've got it. It needs to be put into daily practice. Your entire family will benefit. In support. ((((hugs))))
When I Landed here over a decade ago, I too was Here to Save My Brother (I Thought) from his disease because I just lost my Father to it, and My Goal was to save him! Everyone here was So Kind to me, and Encouraged me to make my First F2F Meeting. And every time I would speak of my Qualifier, I would always hear in Loving Hugs, "Just Keep Coming Back!"
The Short Version of my Story is: I've been Sober Myself Now for Just over 9years, it truly was a FAMILY Disease, and I had All My Focus on my Brother & Not Myself! When I Spun that around on Me, and Started Looking at Positive things "I" Could do... Turns out I Needed to Drop a Few Habits as well. And What a Whirlwind of Wonderful has entered my Life since!
My Brother is Still a Full Blown Alcoholic, but still with us, However in my Changing of My Ways, and Taking Care of myself, Since then I Now Have One Sibling who took on Sobriety and She too is now in a Program, and Also My Mother is Now Sober, without a program ... But Sober! And Watching what My Actions did for them, just makes me Happy all the time! My Brothers Kids are Now 17 & 19 and I Pray every day that I taught them enough about this Program and their options to see, they don't have to follow in Mom or Dad's footsteps...
Its Truly hard when you love them so Much and Hate to see them Struggling or Giving up, but there is Always Hope! and Like the Title says "Miracles In Progress" I Made a Choice to "Break Family Tradition" and tho Most of My Family Bailed in the beginning of my Sobriety, I Can Now Love them Where "I'm" At, without making their Nightmare Mine! I'm Very Grateful your here! And Making an Effort to see that this can Truly Change Who you are a person, and Truly Change your Life for the Better... And the Great thing is... All ya have to do is Keep Coming back and be Willing! That in it's self is a True Miracle...
Glad your Here, and Hope to Hear More from your Journey! Keep Coming Back...
Jozie
Awesome post dear sister in recovery you responded to one person in need and helped another at the same time...Mahalo from CenVal Ca. ((((
))))