I'll define "martyr" before I move on with my post. The dictionary defines martyr in a couple of ways, but the way I'm interested in is "a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration."
I was thinking about martyring the other day after a conversation with a friend and realized that martyrdom is basically a self-congratulatory pity-party. And it can disguise itself, too. It's not just "poor me... look at all that I do for others with no thanks." It's also an inflated "Everyone's out to get me. This person has it out for me I just know it! The world's against me but I'm going to persevere!"
That second instance, I find, is sneaky. Because I find I mask my martyrdom behind saying I'm working my recovery in spite of these other people who I perceive have it out for me.
What I feel is interesting about that view is that what I'm basically saying is that other people are behaving the way they are because of me. I'm the center of these people's universe whom I feel attacked by. That I'm still a victim, even though I'm working my recovery.
This takes me clear back to Step One. I am POWERLESS over others. That also means that others behaviors have absolutely nothing to do with me. So-and-so is out to get me? Actually, no. So-and-so is a product of their own misery and their behaviors actually have nothing whatsoever to do with me, even if I feel like I'm in the line of fire. If I'm feeling like I'm in the line of fire, that I'm a victim, then there's something for me to look at there. Why do I want to define myself as a victim still? Do I get some sort of sense of satisfaction out of it? Am I making choices that keep me dancing the dance with this particular person? I drop the responsibility of my personal choices and of how I'm feeling into other people's laps.
I've been on the receiving end of that - where people have decided to tell me that I'm the reason for their misery and that's a nasty place to be, mostly because it feeds my illusion of control and power over others, and then I get stuck in that continuous merry-go-round. "I'm behaving this way because YOU..." "Oh yeah? Well I wouldn't have done it if YOU hadn't..."
It helps me so, so much to remember that other people's chaos and behaviors is theirs and theirs alone. This brings me to my absolute favorite slogan... "What you think of me is none of my business." When I start to untangle what is mine and what is the other person's, I start getting better. I keep the focus on myself. Ask myself the important question "what can I do to help me feel better that's not contingent on the other person changing?"
This is why a daily inventory is important. I can take a clear honest look at what part I might have played in a situation, ask myself "How important is it?" and then start making choices to do something different the next time something like this comes up. Or, even possibly make an amends if I wasn't quite the innocent victim I at first made myself out to be. Clean house so I can move around in my life with comfort and serenity.
Thanks for letting me share!
Freetime said
Jan 22, 2020
Aloha, thank you for this topic. At various times in my life I had a martyr complex. Sometime in my Al-Anon journey I came across the definition that a martyr is someone who suffers because of their beliefs. Think about martyrs in the religious tradition -- people who suffered torment and died because they would not give up their sincerely held beliefs.
I was suffering because of my beliefs that I could control other people, and that if my effort wasn't working it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. I believed that I didn't deserve love because I wasn't good enough. I believed I didn't have the right to speak up for my own needs. I had a number of beliefs that caused me suffering.
Hitting bottom and getting into Al-Anon gave me the opportunity to find a new set of beliefs that didn't cause me to suffer.
JerryF said
Jan 22, 2020
I took time off a bit and took a hot shower after reading you lead Aloha and arrived partly at Freetime's response. I went back too my religious experiences to realize that our church martyrs were punished, beat and killed for not seeing the offense as being not willing to accept the punishers own beliefs. I was taught that as a young man in school and again faced it in my first marriage as my religious addict wife and her church saw me as a member in the church of the devil. They we truly addicts and I left her and them to find and practice sanity.
Much later on I came to understand that my alcoholics and addicts suffered for not understanding my beliefs and practices. I don't do that anymore and Al-Anon taught me to see and understand the differences which I currently use to practice sanity on a daily basis.
Thanks for the guidance (((hugs)))
Debb said
Jan 22, 2020
I read a story about being a martyr on an Al Anon blog. It spoke to me, because I too felt like I was suffering at the expense of the A's addiction.
After working the first four steps I clearly saw how wrong I was and that I had did a huge disservice to myself to view myself as the victim.
I had choices that I would have never thought available to me, if it were not for Al Anon.
Letting go of the past was very important to me because it stopped me from moving forward, By letting go I mean that, all those uncomfortable
things that brought me to Al Anon are no longer today's issues.
You know the program is working when you take those difficult experiences and let them guide you to better decisions and boundaries. From
there, you will feel better about the future and not dwell on the past.
Those boundaries helped me feel lighter so that I was able to take better care of myself.
I always had a connection to my Higher Power, it is even stronger since I began my Al Anon journey.
Blessings
Iamhere said
Jan 22, 2020
Lovely topic and great shares/ESH. For my own recovery, anytime I am uncomfortable or discontent, it's an opportunity for me to truly determine what's missing in my life/recovery. I can go from discomfort to an extreme pity party if I don't pause and check on me/my thoughts/my recovery effort.
I've spoke of this before, and probably won't clearly articulate my intent with my content, yet I'll try! BR (Before Recovery), I was a sad, mad, lost, lonely soul. I consistently placed blame beyond me for all that was wrong in my life. I truly got up each and every day, with the best of intentions to change my attitude and outlook and would start 'well'. It never lasted as I just didn't have the proper tools to sustain my mind, heart, soul for the day.
One personal strategy I used often/always BR was to 'cut/run'. I left my first marriage when it got hard, I dismissed friends/family when I felt they 'were out to get me', etc. I kept believing that I could run from toxic people and find healthier ones and tried that until I woke up and realized (thank you Al-Anon) that a big part of the toxicity around me was coming from me!
It's taken me a long, long while to accept how powerless I really am and that lesson continues on a regular basis. Practicing humility and some type of recovery every single day, without fail, combined with trusting in a power greater than I gives me the best chance of getting through a day intact. Believing that we all (A's, AlAnoners, Others) are imperfect persons doing the best possible for that moment in time gives me enough grace most of the time to realize another's words/actions truly have nothing to do with me. It is my ego, trying to rise up, that makes my mind want to make it all about me - and it's really not.
I no longer cut/run. I stand in my truth, continue my recovery, use boundaries and detaching and have learned so, so much about me and what makes me tick. I truly do want to have joy and be happy instead of being heard/right. Because I have chosen to work on me in my recovery, and am willing to treat my disease each day, I do attract healthier people to share my life and love with. I am compelled to look for the good in others today - contrary to how I used to think. I limit my expectations of others, and am rarely let down or disappointed.
Eckhart Tolle writes of martyrdom and how an ego plays into it. I am grateful today that if I find myself at a Pity Party, I can choose to depart quickly.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 23, 2020
Thank you Aloha for this good discussion!
I never thought I tried to be a martyr. It took awhile for me to see it.
Freetime's share really hit it on the nail for me... "I was suffering because of my beliefs that I could control other people, and that if my effort wasn't working it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. I believed that I didn't deserve love because I wasn't good enough. I believed I didn't have the right to speak up for my own needs." It always came back around to I wasn't trying hard enough.
I am grateful that today I can see my "martyrdom" begin to rise, and then shoot it down!
Aloha said
Jan 23, 2020
Thank you everyone for your shares!
canadianguy said
Jan 23, 2020
Love the post Aloha....
Reminds me of an experience when I was visiting my ex-AW at a Treatment Center. One of the counsellors offered to talk to me, to see how I was doing, with all that was going around in my life, wife in Treatment, young kids at home, etc.... We had a private meeting, and I was able to share a few things, get things off my chest, etc... When the meeting was almost over, he asked if I had anything else on my mind.....
I told him - "yes, part of me kind of wants my wife to drink again, so I can be done with the marriage, once and for all - and society & others will be on my side on this decision". Now, I could have sworn at the time that I was NOT a martyr, and had grown leaps and bounds past the 'pity party' stage for myself..... but I think I was half expecting a "poor Tom, it must be really tough" kind of answer..... But the counsellor said to me - "Of course you do - that way you can continue to blame your AW for everything that is wrong in your life, and not take responsibility for ANY of it!"
Well, I never..... how could he possibly.... how dare he..... oh wait, he was 100% right!
Tom
Bo said
Jan 23, 2020
Always an excellent, insightful, and interesting topic...thanks for sharing it!
I'll define "martyr" before I move on with my post. The dictionary defines martyr in a couple of ways, but the way I'm interested in is "a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration."
I was thinking about martyring the other day after a conversation with a friend and realized that martyrdom is basically a self-congratulatory pity-party. And it can disguise itself, too. It's not just "poor me... look at all that I do for others with no thanks." It's also an inflated "Everyone's out to get me. This person has it out for me I just know it! The world's against me but I'm going to persevere!"
That second instance, I find, is sneaky. Because I find I mask my martyrdom behind saying I'm working my recovery in spite of these other people who I perceive have it out for me.
What I feel is interesting about that view is that what I'm basically saying is that other people are behaving the way they are because of me. I'm the center of these people's universe whom I feel attacked by. That I'm still a victim, even though I'm working my recovery.
This takes me clear back to Step One. I am POWERLESS over others. That also means that others behaviors have absolutely nothing to do with me. So-and-so is out to get me? Actually, no. So-and-so is a product of their own misery and their behaviors actually have nothing whatsoever to do with me, even if I feel like I'm in the line of fire. If I'm feeling like I'm in the line of fire, that I'm a victim, then there's something for me to look at there. Why do I want to define myself as a victim still? Do I get some sort of sense of satisfaction out of it? Am I making choices that keep me dancing the dance with this particular person? I drop the responsibility of my personal choices and of how I'm feeling into other people's laps.
I've been on the receiving end of that - where people have decided to tell me that I'm the reason for their misery and that's a nasty place to be, mostly because it feeds my illusion of control and power over others, and then I get stuck in that continuous merry-go-round. "I'm behaving this way because YOU..." "Oh yeah? Well I wouldn't have done it if YOU hadn't..."
It helps me so, so much to remember that other people's chaos and behaviors is theirs and theirs alone. This brings me to my absolute favorite slogan... "What you think of me is none of my business." When I start to untangle what is mine and what is the other person's, I start getting better. I keep the focus on myself. Ask myself the important question "what can I do to help me feel better that's not contingent on the other person changing?"
This is why a daily inventory is important. I can take a clear honest look at what part I might have played in a situation, ask myself "How important is it?" and then start making choices to do something different the next time something like this comes up. Or, even possibly make an amends if I wasn't quite the innocent victim I at first made myself out to be. Clean house so I can move around in my life with comfort and serenity.
Thanks for letting me share!
I was suffering because of my beliefs that I could control other people, and that if my effort wasn't working it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. I believed that I didn't deserve love because I wasn't good enough. I believed I didn't have the right to speak up for my own needs. I had a number of beliefs that caused me suffering.
Hitting bottom and getting into Al-Anon gave me the opportunity to find a new set of beliefs that didn't cause me to suffer.
I took time off a bit and took a hot shower after reading you lead Aloha and arrived partly at Freetime's response. I went back too my religious experiences to realize that our church martyrs were punished, beat and killed for not seeing the offense as being not willing to accept the punishers own beliefs. I was taught that as a young man in school and again faced it in my first marriage as my religious addict wife and her church saw me as a member in the church of the devil. They we truly addicts and I left her and them to find and practice sanity.
Much later on I came to understand that my alcoholics and addicts suffered for not understanding my beliefs and practices. I don't do that anymore and Al-Anon taught me to see and understand the differences which I currently use to practice sanity on a daily basis.
Thanks for the guidance (((hugs)))
After working the first four steps I clearly saw how wrong I was and that I had did a huge disservice to myself to view myself as the victim.
I had choices that I would have never thought available to me, if it were not for Al Anon.
Letting go of the past was very important to me because it stopped me from moving forward, By letting go I mean that, all those uncomfortable
things that brought me to Al Anon are no longer today's issues.
You know the program is working when you take those difficult experiences and let them guide you to better decisions and boundaries. From
there, you will feel better about the future and not dwell on the past.
Those boundaries helped me feel lighter so that I was able to take better care of myself.
I always had a connection to my Higher Power, it is even stronger since I began my Al Anon journey.
Blessings
I've spoke of this before, and probably won't clearly articulate my intent with my content, yet I'll try! BR (Before Recovery), I was a sad, mad, lost, lonely soul. I consistently placed blame beyond me for all that was wrong in my life. I truly got up each and every day, with the best of intentions to change my attitude and outlook and would start 'well'. It never lasted as I just didn't have the proper tools to sustain my mind, heart, soul for the day.
One personal strategy I used often/always BR was to 'cut/run'. I left my first marriage when it got hard, I dismissed friends/family when I felt they 'were out to get me', etc. I kept believing that I could run from toxic people and find healthier ones and tried that until I woke up and realized (thank you Al-Anon) that a big part of the toxicity around me was coming from me!
It's taken me a long, long while to accept how powerless I really am and that lesson continues on a regular basis. Practicing humility and some type of recovery every single day, without fail, combined with trusting in a power greater than I gives me the best chance of getting through a day intact. Believing that we all (A's, AlAnoners, Others) are imperfect persons doing the best possible for that moment in time gives me enough grace most of the time to realize another's words/actions truly have nothing to do with me. It is my ego, trying to rise up, that makes my mind want to make it all about me - and it's really not.
I no longer cut/run. I stand in my truth, continue my recovery, use boundaries and detaching and have learned so, so much about me and what makes me tick. I truly do want to have joy and be happy instead of being heard/right. Because I have chosen to work on me in my recovery, and am willing to treat my disease each day, I do attract healthier people to share my life and love with. I am compelled to look for the good in others today - contrary to how I used to think. I limit my expectations of others, and am rarely let down or disappointed.
Eckhart Tolle writes of martyrdom and how an ego plays into it. I am grateful today that if I find myself at a Pity Party, I can choose to depart quickly.
Thank you Aloha for this good discussion!
I never thought I tried to be a martyr. It took awhile for me to see it.
Freetime's share really hit it on the nail for me... "I was suffering because of my beliefs that I could control other people, and that if my effort wasn't working it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. I believed that I didn't deserve love because I wasn't good enough. I believed I didn't have the right to speak up for my own needs." It always came back around to I wasn't trying hard enough.
I am grateful that today I can see my "martyrdom" begin to rise, and then shoot it down!
Love the post Aloha....
Reminds me of an experience when I was visiting my ex-AW at a Treatment Center. One of the counsellors offered to talk to me, to see how I was doing, with all that was going around in my life, wife in Treatment, young kids at home, etc.... We had a private meeting, and I was able to share a few things, get things off my chest, etc... When the meeting was almost over, he asked if I had anything else on my mind.....
I told him - "yes, part of me kind of wants my wife to drink again, so I can be done with the marriage, once and for all - and society & others will be on my side on this decision". Now, I could have sworn at the time that I was NOT a martyr, and had grown leaps and bounds past the 'pity party' stage for myself..... but I think I was half expecting a "poor Tom, it must be really tough" kind of answer..... But the counsellor said to me - "Of course you do - that way you can continue to blame your AW for everything that is wrong in your life, and not take responsibility for ANY of it!"
Well, I never..... how could he possibly.... how dare he..... oh wait, he was 100% right!
Tom