I realize in Al-Anon we dont offer advice. However, Im in crisis mode. I havent slept in the last 24 hours. My qualifier went on a bender last night. Fortunately, it appears he has left (drove his car and drunk because the rest of the whiskey is gone). I am praying he doesnt come back tonight so I can have peace and figure out what to do next. A dear friend who lives in another state thinks I should just cut my losses, leave and not worry if he pays for the next three months in our place even though my name is on it too. She thinks its safer for me to just risk him not paying the remaining lease, than to stay. I never ask for advice but you all have been so wonderful at being vulnerable and sharing, as well as lovingly offering support via words of encouragement, so I am curious what you would do?
Debb said
Jan 16, 2020
Hi Hopeful11, if you are not in any danger, then I think that you could consider, "when in doubt, don't".
If you ARE in danger, then pack up before he returns.
Blessings HF11
-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 16th of January 2020 06:06:45 PM
Iamhere said
Jan 16, 2020
(((Hopeful))) - your post appeared twice, so I removed the second ... just FYI - I really want any ESH that members have be in one place for you to peruse!
In my world/life, we the disease raises up, it's a time when I really, really need to try and not project. I bring it back to this moment, on this day and consider that's what I need to consider and decide upon. I agree 100% with Debb - if you feel threatened in any way, take action to keep yourself safe.
If the disease is affecting your health, sleep, etc. I have booked a room in a hotel before, just to get some sleep/rest to make informed decisions vs. emotional decisions. I have learned in recovery that even with the best of intentions, my decision making is more healthy for me and others when I pause and consider all the facts available. I have also had sleepovers with friends, just to get away. I have blocked my A(s) phone numbers to be sure of the much needed break/sleep/rest. When concerned for the safety of my loved ones or the safety of others, I have called in the law.
Each situation is different, but I know for me, when I consider action, I do try to embrace short term when my life is in the middle of a storm. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way! My favorite reminder from those who love me is Breathe, easy and deep, just breathe!
JerryF said
Jan 16, 2020
(((((Hopeful))))) I did several options until I found the courage to take the one that put the responsibility right on me. I received a ton of ESH...Experience, Strength and Hope from with in the fellowship and the situation came out the same or worse because of course I fell back to doing it my way not realizing that the outcomes would only be the same and I found I was walking the definition of insanity..."doing the same things over and over again expecting different results". Finally I had to make a different result and with the help of my sponsor and others came up with an outcome that was different and then acted on it. I moved into my own apartment and cut my phone number to personal so that I have full choice over who called me. I took her off of my personal accounts and told them all they were responsible for the outcomes if they decided to continue business with her. I didn't tell anyone why I was doing it and then I let my eldest son move it which wasn't a great idea because he was also an addict/alcoholic....Oh well we learn and lots of time we get to take the solutions with us as we continue the program which I have.
There is much more to tell as the learning grows over time.
Our program is about progress not perfection which includes practice over time so that we get better and better and are able to help others as we get better. My alcoholic/addict wife did get clean and sober after a time of doing the right things which didn't include my attempts to direct her even though I was a certified therapist doing a lot of work with alcoholics/addicts and their families and on my own life. My focus was on me and it still is.
I wish you well in your search for help...Listen....Learn....Practice, practice, practice. (((hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Jan 17, 2020
The should are pretty powerful
I have my share of should every day
The thing is wrecked credit is a big one
The other thing is to have time to consider your options
The other thing to get to a place in your program where you dont have to ask for suggestions
The time to leave is a tricky one
You will know when it is
No one will have ti suggest it to you
hotrod said
Jan 17, 2020
SENDING PRAYERS AND POSITIVE THOUGHT YOUR WAY
Aloha said
Jan 17, 2020
Welcome, Hopeful. I'm sorry you're feeling cornered right now with what's going on for you. I really don't want to offer any advice because I don't know the entire situation - what's driving your decision and fear and urgency, etc. I don't know if this is a situation where your mind is building mountains out of molehills, or if you are in a place that is extremely serious and dire.
That said, I encourage you to listen to your gut for the moment and take what steps are necessary to ensure you feel safe if safety is an issue. In the meantime, if you have shared legal responsibility to something, you may want to contact a lawyer to discuss ramifications if you happen to make hasty decisions.
Get yourself to a place where you can pause and pray. A friend's home, a hotel, etc. Get yourself to some local face-to-face meetings. If you have a sponsor, definitely discuss this with that person.
I am also sending prayers your way.
Hopeful11 said
Jan 17, 2020
Thank you friends, I appreciate your reflections. I ended up staying with a friend and I am currently seeking other housing. The other night was the first time I was actually faced with the reality that my partner could actually hurt me. While he has punched holes in walls, he has been physically aggressive with me, until two nights ago. Even with my tools and choosing not to engage, I was a target of his disease and aggression. Without my higher power, this program and all of you, I dont know what I would do. And I dont know that I would feel as emotionally or mentally capable in this moment to choose myself and get out. Sending you all prayers and hugs. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Debb said
Jan 18, 2020
Hopeful11, so very happy you are safe. Keep working the program and please keep coming back.
Aloha said
Jan 18, 2020
I'm glad you're okay, Hopeful. Keep taking good care of yourself. You deserve all the love and respect the world has to offer.
Hopeful11 said
Jan 18, 2020
Thank you, friends!
Iamhere said
Jan 18, 2020
Good to hear back from you Hopeful....so sorry that the disease has/is progressing - it's such a frightful way to live and so very difficult to watch. It warms my heart that you were able to step out and find safety with a friend. I also love the 'action' you are taking to remove yourself - certainly sounds like healthy self-care to me. I so agree with what is written above - we all deserve all the love and respect the world has to offer. Keep taking care of you, one day at a time!
Hopeful11 said
Jan 23, 2020
Update
Hopeful11 said
Jan 23, 2020
Hi all, wanted to give you an update. I just received a call today the: the job interview I had last week not only went well, I received an offer today and I accepted it! I start in two weeks. In addition, I found temporary housing. My partner doesnt know, I have no desire to share with him that I got a job and that Im leaving in order to stay safe and because he said he is unwilling to go back to program because he doesnt have a drinking problem. Its clear, Im the one who has to go.
Its all a bit overwhelming right now and I am also grateful that my higher power is helping me through this process. This is just the beginning, thank god for this program and the continued work of recovery ahead of me. Im just beginning to unravel the mental and emotional trauma I have endured but Im grateful. Just need to get over this part (leaving for good) which when I stand back and look at it is nothing compared to what Ive been through when hes in the midst of a bender and to what other people have endured. So there is that. Thank you all for being with me through this challenging time. Sending you all prayers of serenity and peace.
Iamhere said
Jan 23, 2020
(((Hopeful))) - congratulations on the new job and the new home! Your post made my heart smile and I am sending you tons of positive energy and prayers for a smooth transition. Keep doing what you're doing!!
Debb said
Jan 23, 2020
So happy for you Hopeful11!!! Congratulations on your new job and new life! Keep working the program and keep coming back!
Hopeful11 said
Jan 23, 2020
Thank you, (((Iamhere and Deb))). Ive been thanking the universe/my higher power all day. :) Just trying to receive all of these wonderful blessings and working diligently on the worthiness piece. Let me just say the serenity prayer has been my companion over the last few months. And this weeks serendipitous synchronicities/blessings are examples of just how powerful prayer really is. More importantly a demonstration of what can happen when we let go, surrender and trust. Still need to get my things out but I couldnt be more grateful of this moment here and now. Thank you for bearing witness to my share, to our collective shares. Sending you all hugs.
Aloha said
Jan 24, 2020
I love, love, love seeing things line up when they're needed. Congratulations, Hopeful!
Hopeful11 said
Jan 24, 2020
Thank you, Aloha! Sending hugs your way.
Hopeful11 said
Jan 29, 2020
Its been five days since I moved out. Ive landed in a safe place and it feels like I can breath and find relief. To my understanding (through his sister), its also been five days that my partner has been on a binge. Ive been trying to keep my distance and been relying heavily on fellowship/Sponsorship to not call or text him. I had no idea it was going to be so hard. Im realizing Ive got a long road ahead of me but Im grateful for program, for this forum and for the compassion Im able to have for my partner in his disease, as I work on my own codependency through recovery. Each time I get the desire to call him I ask myself, Is this how hard it is for him not to take a drink. And there compassion is, staring me in the face, reminding me that I can love him from afar. Anyway, I have about 13 more days before I start my new job. Im glad Ive got the time and space to do that. Otherwise I think I would lose it. Will be utilizing that time to continue to go to daily meetings and engage in self care. Grateful for this time, for a safe place and peace.
Aloha said
Jan 29, 2020
Oooooooo... I love, love, LOVE this:
"Each time I get the desire to call him I ask myself, Is this how hard it is for him not to take a drink. And there compassion is, staring me in the face,"
Thank your for sharing your journey with us. And yes, I may not have the compulsion to drink, but some of my other compulsions can be pretty heavy and I like the thought that perhaps that's a little glimpse into what the alcoholic is going through.
Thanks for your update, Hopeful!
Iamhere said
Jan 29, 2020
Hopeful - so, so glad that you are continuing the next chapter in your story. I too love the thinking about impulsive/compulsive thoughts...a great reminder for me on how the pause 'step' really helps me think through my best next steps. Enjoy your break before your job begins - love your plan for between then and now...Keep coming back!
Bo said
Jan 29, 2020
Here is someone who did it...and is doing it! One day at a time...and one minute at a time if necessary...But, bottom line...SHE'S DOING IT!!!
I so much admire and respect what you are doing...how you are doing it...and that you are doing it!!!
Great for you!!! Keep it up!!!
Hopeful11 said
Jan 29, 2020
(((Iamhere & Bo)))... thank you. Meeting and greeting all the feelings and things that arise, moment by moment. Some moments its seems really difficult AND Im grateful for all of it, even the heart ache... surrendering with trust.
Maresie888 said
Jan 30, 2020
I think.it takes immense courage to set those boundaries and.mean them. These last few weeks I have let go of a lot of people. This month Inam staying with an old friend of mine. His life is deteriorating. Normally I would be all over what he needs to do. Instead I am zen focused on what I need to do.
There was something in me before that felt profoundly unworthy. Not any more
Glad you are here and willing to be honest and focus on the next right thing
Maresie
Hopeful11 said
Feb 5, 2020
Thanks for sharing, Maersie. Good for you for feeling a strengthened sense of self worth. Im working on that and simply coming back to gratitude. It feels like a long road but little by little, step by step, say by day.
Maresie888 said
Feb 5, 2020
I do feel more self reliant these days. In the past I had little to no self worth
Now my self worth comes from me
I am staying with someone who is an alcoholic right now. He is not drinking but that is not sober. His house is a shambles.
In.fact he was more functional when he was drinking
Not drinking is not sobriety. Sobriety is having a program
I am focused on my own problems I have plenty of them
Hopeful11 said
Feb 6, 2020
Maersie, thank you for reminding me that sobriety is about participating in program... just like my Alanon journey is being a willing and active participant in my program. My partner (who I moved away from) doesnt understand that. When he brings up that I left and asks how long I will be gone, I remind him why Im not there and why I wont be coming back. I also keep reminding myself of why I wont go back and why I need to focus on myself. Thanks for reminding me. Please take care of you. Sending hugs.
Hi Hopeful11, if you are not in any danger, then I think that you could consider, "when in doubt, don't".
If you ARE in danger, then pack up before he returns.
Blessings HF11
-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 16th of January 2020 06:06:45 PM
In my world/life, we the disease raises up, it's a time when I really, really need to try and not project. I bring it back to this moment, on this day and consider that's what I need to consider and decide upon. I agree 100% with Debb - if you feel threatened in any way, take action to keep yourself safe.
If the disease is affecting your health, sleep, etc. I have booked a room in a hotel before, just to get some sleep/rest to make informed decisions vs. emotional decisions. I have learned in recovery that even with the best of intentions, my decision making is more healthy for me and others when I pause and consider all the facts available. I have also had sleepovers with friends, just to get away. I have blocked my A(s) phone numbers to be sure of the much needed break/sleep/rest. When concerned for the safety of my loved ones or the safety of others, I have called in the law.
Each situation is different, but I know for me, when I consider action, I do try to embrace short term when my life is in the middle of a storm. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way! My favorite reminder from those who love me is Breathe, easy and deep, just breathe!
(((((Hopeful))))) I did several options until I found the courage to take the one that put the responsibility right on me. I received a ton of ESH...Experience, Strength and Hope from with in the fellowship and the situation came out the same or worse because of course I fell back to doing it my way not realizing that the outcomes would only be the same and I found I was walking the definition of insanity..."doing the same things over and over again expecting different results". Finally I had to make a different result and with the help of my sponsor and others came up with an outcome that was different and then acted on it. I moved into my own apartment and cut my phone number to personal so that I have full choice over who called me. I took her off of my personal accounts and told them all they were responsible for the outcomes if they decided to continue business with her. I didn't tell anyone why I was doing it and then I let my eldest son move it which wasn't a great idea because he was also an addict/alcoholic....Oh well we learn and lots of time we get to take the solutions with us as we continue the program which I have.
There is much more to tell as the learning grows over time.
Our program is about progress not perfection which includes practice over time so that we get better and better and are able to help others as we get better. My alcoholic/addict wife did get clean and sober after a time of doing the right things which didn't include my attempts to direct her even though I was a certified therapist doing a lot of work with alcoholics/addicts and their families and on my own life. My focus was on me and it still is.
I wish you well in your search for help...Listen....Learn....Practice, practice, practice. (((hugs)))
That said, I encourage you to listen to your gut for the moment and take what steps are necessary to ensure you feel safe if safety is an issue. In the meantime, if you have shared legal responsibility to something, you may want to contact a lawyer to discuss ramifications if you happen to make hasty decisions.
Get yourself to a place where you can pause and pray. A friend's home, a hotel, etc. Get yourself to some local face-to-face meetings. If you have a sponsor, definitely discuss this with that person.
I am also sending prayers your way.
Oooooooo... I love, love, LOVE this:
"Each time I get the desire to call him I ask myself, Is this how hard it is for him not to take a drink. And there compassion is, staring me in the face,"
Thank your for sharing your journey with us. And yes, I may not have the compulsion to drink, but some of my other compulsions can be pretty heavy and I like the thought that perhaps that's a little glimpse into what the alcoholic is going through.
Thanks for your update, Hopeful!
I so much admire and respect what you are doing...how you are doing it...and that you are doing it!!!
Great for you!!! Keep it up!!!