The only grand-dad i really knew was my father's stepfather. Outwardly he was a friendly cheerful guy. When he came round to our place he stayed out of sight and read a book.
He was a doctor, and I went on his doctor's rounds with him one day- sitting in the car. I needed to pee and he stopped the car, opened the car door, and let me pee out of sight.
It was my mum's stories about him that were frightening- how he nearly burnt the house down. His womanising and his drinking.
So this gave me a really jaundiced view of him. And how my nana left her first hubby down- how he might have killed himself.
But, long story short- i have never had much faith in professionals. I went to a treatment centre twice, in 1987 and 1989. I got a not of referral from my local doctor- and he was drunk. I had to dictate the letter for him.
...so maybe i put professionals on notice- and check em out first...
Debb said
Jan 13, 2020
David, totally understand how you may have reservations about whether professionals are trust worthy! Seems you have been let down on a number of fronts by professionals that you were close to. I to have had a number of occasions where a professional has let me down and going forward do much research on my own so that I can advocate for myself, especially when I feel that professional, mostly doctors, do not have the right perspective or my best interests at heart.
Iamhere said
Jan 13, 2020
As with most things in recovery, I stay open and willing to try anything because I can always set it aside if it's not helpful or working for me!
Your post brought up memories for me of my father's dad, my grandfather! By the time I came around, he was dry (not sober) and grumpy (to me, a child). He called all the grandkid's by a crass, unacceptable name - horse's arse (without the r and with an added s). He slept, snored and drooled chewing tobacco often/always in his favorite chair!
Yet, my father's experience was way different, and much worse! My grandfather (both of them actually) was a drunk who, if not intercepted on Friday, would take the entire paycheck and spend it at the bar before going home. My father and his sister went without often and have vivid memories of being loaded up in the car to find him before he drank the money needed to pay bills, buy groceries, etc.
He got 'dry' by standing at the altar, each year on his birthday, and proclaiming to the God of his understanding that he would not drink for the year. This happened, ceremoniously until his death.
My parents would never go see a mental health professional. They are 'old school' and of a generation where one is weak if they need help. I am grateful to have broken that family chain. I have brothers only, and I had to take one for help when his marriage (first of three) fell apart and he was an absolute wreck. He's now dating a psychologist (it's been fun to watch) and has a more open mind.
Also, as with most things in recovery, I prefer to focus on me and my experience. It's taken my whole life to be able/willing to advocate for myself in all settings, with respect always. This includes 'professionals'....never hurts to seek more information for a well-informed decision!
JerryF said
Jan 13, 2020
When I came to accept and believe that I was responsible for the outcome of my decisions I learned to question the evidences available to me while making the choices more and more as I got into our program and today I run them thru the steps and traditions and the ESH of the fellowship and surely with the guidance of my Higher Power who I ask, "Place me where you want me...tell me what to do", and then I use patience. ((((hugs))))
DavidG said
Jan 14, 2020
Thanks Debbs Jerry and Iam...
I came into Alanon as an adult child... and it has served me well. Even today I would only get one share per week- at a F 2 F meeting. Not even that- depending who is sharing.
Here ah kin share 3 or four times a week, sometimes more. This has to be in keeping with the group conscience, to be sure.
But as i gain confidence and strength, from my seat, I see the group conscience expand. it is flexible, with out losing it's principal purpose.
I had a lot of hurts and set-backs along the way- and haven't we all!
So, as things have evolved for me- I can stick to one item- knowing there will always be more opportunities to share.
I was the oldest- and mum told me a lot of stuff. Maybe it was not age appropriate, I am not sure. Of how I came to be and why she had me. And about the narrative of her life- right from the beginning.
At one time she worked in a treatment centre, here in NZ. She had a copy of ODAT- but it was in mint condition. I doubt if the went to one or two Alanon meetings.
Today i am as well as can be expected. In retirement I took up the guitar. I have three chords and four songs, so far- but it is satisfying and relaxing.
I have a lot of resistance to garden and shed- but, in the end I get things done.
-- Edited by DavidG on Tuesday 14th of January 2020 01:40:15 PM
Debb said
Jan 14, 2020
David, you sound pretty content and I am happy for you. Like you, I have been reflecting on my life, discovered some time ago that my parents had to get married, so I was basically a surprise. I am okay with that, 67 years later they are still together, both in their mid 80's. Playing the guitar, how wonderful!! It is to cold here to do anything in the garden, but look forward to spring in a few months.
DavidG said
Jan 14, 2020
Dibs, Debb. ...
Mum told me this story- young. My grandparents lived in a remote area with a manual telephone exchange. There were no secrets there, really. Mum said that, in the day, the old biddies used to mark the calendar when a couple got married. So mum had this code- to send to her mother: "Jimmy has arrived."
Debb said
Jan 15, 2020
Nothing new David, right!? Gotta love life!! Blessings to you!
He was a doctor, and I went on his doctor's rounds with him one day- sitting in the car. I needed to pee and he stopped the car, opened the car door, and let me pee out of sight.
It was my mum's stories about him that were frightening- how he nearly burnt the house down. His womanising and his drinking.
So this gave me a really jaundiced view of him. And how my nana left her first hubby down- how he might have killed himself.
But, long story short- i have never had much faith in professionals. I went to a treatment centre twice, in 1987 and 1989. I got a not of referral from my local doctor- and he was drunk. I had to dictate the letter for him.
...so maybe i put professionals on notice- and check em out first...
Your post brought up memories for me of my father's dad, my grandfather! By the time I came around, he was dry (not sober) and grumpy (to me, a child). He called all the grandkid's by a crass, unacceptable name - horse's arse (without the r and with an added s). He slept, snored and drooled chewing tobacco often/always in his favorite chair!
Yet, my father's experience was way different, and much worse! My grandfather (both of them actually) was a drunk who, if not intercepted on Friday, would take the entire paycheck and spend it at the bar before going home. My father and his sister went without often and have vivid memories of being loaded up in the car to find him before he drank the money needed to pay bills, buy groceries, etc.
He got 'dry' by standing at the altar, each year on his birthday, and proclaiming to the God of his understanding that he would not drink for the year. This happened, ceremoniously until his death.
My parents would never go see a mental health professional. They are 'old school' and of a generation where one is weak if they need help. I am grateful to have broken that family chain. I have brothers only, and I had to take one for help when his marriage (first of three) fell apart and he was an absolute wreck. He's now dating a psychologist (it's been fun to watch) and has a more open mind.
Also, as with most things in recovery, I prefer to focus on me and my experience. It's taken my whole life to be able/willing to advocate for myself in all settings, with respect always. This includes 'professionals'....never hurts to seek more information for a well-informed decision!
When I came to accept and believe that I was responsible for the outcome of my decisions I learned to question the evidences available to me while making the choices more and more as I got into our program and today I run them thru the steps and traditions and the ESH of the fellowship and surely with the guidance of my Higher Power who I ask, "Place me where you want me...tell me what to do", and then I use patience. ((((hugs))))
I came into Alanon as an adult child... and it has served me well. Even today I would only get one share per week- at a F 2 F meeting. Not even that- depending who is sharing.
Here ah kin share 3 or four times a week, sometimes more. This has to be in keeping with the group conscience, to be sure.
But as i gain confidence and strength, from my seat, I see the group conscience expand. it is flexible, with out losing it's principal purpose.
I had a lot of hurts and set-backs along the way- and haven't we all!
So, as things have evolved for me- I can stick to one item- knowing there will always be more opportunities to share.
I was the oldest- and mum told me a lot of stuff. Maybe it was not age appropriate, I am not sure. Of how I came to be and why she had me. And about the narrative of her life- right from the beginning.
At one time she worked in a treatment centre, here in NZ. She had a copy of ODAT- but it was in mint condition. I doubt if the went to one or two Alanon meetings.
Today i am as well as can be expected. In retirement I took up the guitar. I have three chords and four songs, so far- but it is satisfying and relaxing.
I have a lot of resistance to garden and shed- but, in the end I get things done.
-- Edited by DavidG on Tuesday 14th of January 2020 01:40:15 PM
Dibs, Debb.
...
Mum told me this story- young. My grandparents lived in a remote area with a manual telephone exchange. There were no secrets there, really. Mum said that, in the day, the old biddies used to mark the calendar when a couple got married. So mum had this code- to send to her mother: "Jimmy has arrived."