My AH is abusing his pain medication.It is getting worse as each month goes by,the prescription refills are running out sooner each time.
He is in bed right now,I'm assuming feeling sick from not having the meds. I'm really tempted to alert his doctor.As a matter of fact I have the email written already,all I need to do is click send.
IDK though.What good would it do?It will only cause problems for me when and if he finds out.He could just get them off the streets if the refills are stopped.
I know there's nothing I can do to control this or even him for that matter.I can't make him stop what he does by letting the doctor know.
Why do I want to do this?To control him? Fear he will overdose(again)?Would contacting the Dr prevent another OD?I am asking myself these questions,not you guys.
I am sitting here with major anxiety trying to decide whether I should or not.
On second thougt,I'm not going to do anything, not right now.I will just wait to read your ESH.I will delete the email and do deep breathing instead.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Monday 13th of January 2020 01:00:32 PM
Aloha said
Jan 13, 2020
When in doubt, don't, as is often said.
Glad you're thinking it through.
There's a great pamphlet on detachment, and two of the lines on that pamphlet are to 1. not create a crisis, OR, 2. not to prevent a crisis when it is in the natural course of events.
I know that's SUPER hard to do. For me, anyhow, I was always thinking about how I would be negatively impacted if an imaginary crisis occurred, so I was always trying to move the pieces around on the board to ensure that I was going to be alright. But that level of control and manipulation only left me feeling horrible, and if the A found out, he'd confirm for me how horrible I was, too.
Back to keeping my focus on me. This situation is disturbing me right now. What can I change for myself that will help me to feel better right now? Often it was getting to a meeting, calling my sponsor or another friend in the program... getting out and being of service. Even stuff as mundane as going grocery shopping or watching a movie. Just have to swap my obsessive mind over to something that's not so stressful.
If anything, I find sitting down and filling a page in a notebook with gratitudes can lift my mood and shift my perspective drastically.
Hope your day goes better, Sunny. Thanks so much for posting!
-- Edited by Aloha on Tuesday 14th of January 2020 08:26:51 AM
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 13, 2020
Thank you so much Aloha. As I was reading it I could feel my anxiety subsiding.
Now to get busy and change my focus is on the agenda!
(Amazing that all this stuff actually helps and works)
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Monday 13th of January 2020 01:16:40 PM
Debb said
Jan 13, 2020
Happy for you SF that you located and are finding the readings Aloha sent you helpful!! I also found that under the circumstances the doctor is going to address the overuse, you shouldn't have to. "Live and Let Live" really does work.
Freetime said
Jan 13, 2020
Hi, Sunny, I will share my similar experience that was similar but not identical. This happened before I got into Al-Anon. At one point I called my husband's doctor on the phone, asking if he could get my husband an appointment with the chemical dependency unit. The doctor explained to me that it didn't work that way. My husband had been given the contact information while in the hospital, and he had to be the one to make the call. Even his primary care doctor could not do that for him.
So, I will say that in contacting the doctor I learned some new information, and also that it did not have the result I wanted, i.e. someone making my AH do something I wanted him to do.
Iamhere said
Jan 13, 2020
(((SF))) - sending you hugs, positive energy and prayers! I am also one who relies heavily on the 'When in Doubt, Don't'. I can so relate to being present when another is active in this disease and wanting to be sure I'm doing all that I can to help them/keep them from death. It's such a stressful place to be and I love that you're finding relief and refocus through the program tools!
Posting here, calling another in recovery, attending a meeting or just taking a walk - changing things up - helped me greatly in times of greatest despair/fear. Keep coming back and keep exploring the tools - it does work when we work it!
Bo said
Jan 13, 2020
Check your motives. Discuss it with your sponsor, so that you can have objectivity and accountability.
This doesn't work without being completely, thoroughly, and absolutely open and honest.
All the best.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 13, 2020
I got busy and stayed busy after posting here.It really helped.I went from feeling like the world was ending to feeling calm and having a good day afterall.
I hate that everything feels so urgent and like a crisis so easily and so often.I need to remember that feelings aren't facts.
Thanks(again) for the help and support.
JerryF said
Jan 13, 2020
I learned "Do the best you can with what you have and then own the consequences" and while that sounds/sounded ominous I had needs that needed attention so I gave them my attention where and when I could and as much as I could. Sometimes that attention included the help and support of others and at other times not. I learned to offer the consequences up with and to my Higher Power and then accepted outcomes. There were times my involvement was very positive and right on and at other times I learned from the experiences of others involved.
When it came to my consequences I learned to trust Higher Powers rather than my own as following the doctors orders explicitly rather than using my will to take over. It wasn't usual for me to trust and follow others until I got into program.
When it came into participating in the care of my alcoholic/addict wife I insisted in being a parts of the process and then even the doctors did their own thing once to the very detriment on my spouses condition. They didn't trust that I knew what I knew about alcohol and the ism and she ended up half paralyzed and half in tremors till she called me into the treatment room.
I use what the program has taught me along with the experiences I have learned from Higher Powers...this is a do, a practice program for me. ((((hugs))))
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 14, 2020
I sent the email to the Dr today. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not but for me personally, I feel it was the right thing for ME.
It doesn't mean the Dr will put a stop to the refills. It doesn't mean she won't prescribe something even more addictive. It doesn't mean anything really other than the fact that she's aware of what's going on.
I did it because I don't want to watch my husband overdose again and maybe not be revived next time. I don't want to go to his funeral knowing that I sat by and watched it happen. I did this for me and my own conscious and no other reason.
Debb said
Jan 14, 2020
SF to detach with love and empathy are the toughest things to do. I have faith that you will understand, that to let AH be responsible for his own life, you are basically saving his life. If you keep interceding on his behalf then he will not value the consequences of his own actions, you are not and never will be responsible for his decisions, but only you can come to terms with that. I understand where you are coming from, it is very scary!! Remember, only he can decide to stop and get help. Please keep coming back and work the program because it does work!!
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 14, 2020
What I did is not something I "keep " doing . This was a personal decision I made after much thought since yesterday,after completely calming down and rationally making the choice to do so.
Maybe that's not following the program as I "should" but I did what I felt was best for ME.
Debb said
Jan 14, 2020
SF I respect your position. Blessings to you!!
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 14, 2020
Thanks Debb
Iamhere said
Jan 14, 2020
(((SF))) - good on you! You made a plan, you executed and you're leaving things up once you've let them go! I see no issues with sharing with the experts what you see/know/observe ever, and truly understand the worry. Love to hear that you're also practicing some self-care! Just keep doing you and lean into recovery - my experience is that it tends to all work out as it's supposed to!
Bo said
Jan 15, 2020
My experience, for me, you did what you did because it was the right thing to do for you. Period.
Now, after that -- what the doctor does, doesn't do, might do, could do, should do, and so on is...one, none of your business. Two, does not have to take up even one second of your mental capacity/thought process. Let it go. Move on.
That's all folks, LOL.
All the best.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 15, 2020
Honestly, I'm starting to feel a bit irritated. I wish I could just let it go,think of it as none of my business, but how the heck is a person supposed to not care about someone they love losing their life?
I realize I can't prevent it from happening. I know I can't stand guard and babysit my husband at all times. He could OD in his sleep and I could find him dead in our bed in the morning. He could die on the toilet. Anything is possible,I realize that.
But how do you not obsess over that? How do you live a life without worrying over loved ones? I know,work the program,right?Whatever happens happens and we are not responsible,right?
I am so damn traumatized from his last OD. Seriously. Not a day goes by that it's not going through my mind.I wish to God I could just let it go but I can't.
Debb said
Jan 15, 2020
Everyone's circumstances, reasons, purposes and environments are different and Al-Anon takes that into account so don't be so hard on yourself!!
The hardest thing for me to learn and accept was the reasons for my fears that were holding me back from Letting Go and Letting God.
Al-Anon works because it asks you to look at yourself and your motives. Al-Anon's goal is not to find fault but to find answers to attain serenity. Working the Steps are the first place to start, honestly work the steps and all will fall into place for you. This is a abbreviated version of the steps that I like for quick reference:
STEPS: Solutions To Every Problem (1) I Can't; (2) God Can; (3) Let God; (4) Look Within; (5) Admit Wrongs; (6) Ready Self For Change; (7) Seek God's Help; (8) Become Willing; (9) Make Amends; (10) Daily Inventory; (11) Pray and Meditate; (12) Give It Away.
Are you doing F2F meetings and maybe found a sponsor?
And of course you should always come back to MIP to share and discuss, please come back!!
-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 15th of January 2020 08:05:22 AM
Skorpi said
Jan 15, 2020
(((SunnyFrogs)))
You are doing a great job working your program, using program tools, and coming back. It looks good on you!
My wife has a substance use disorder, and her substance of choice is alcohol. She also has co-occurring mental health issues that require regular medication. This isn't the same situation, but it is similar enough, I think. I've often found myself noticing that she ISN'T taking her prescribed medications as prescribed, and have often found myself wondering - should I let her doctor know? Like you, I "practice the pause" and when I'm in doubt, I don't. I wait, think things over, talk the situation over with my alanon group. Listen to the Experience, Strength, and Hope of others. Sometimes, I email her doctor. Sometimes I don't. (Keeping in mind that this has been an ongoing issue for 5 + years.) Each time, I make the decision that feels right for me, let her doctor know what is going on, and let it go. Whatever happens next, I'm confident that I have acted in accordance with my own beliefs and values, that I have done what I thought was right in the situation, and that whatever happens next is between my wife, her doctor, and her Higher Power.
For me, letting go isn't the same as not caring. I care, and I care deeply. But by letting go, I acknowledge that my wife must find her own way through her life journey, and that I am not her Higher Power. Of course, I am her current companion, and I hope that she will make healthy choices. But, I have my own life journey as well, and I cannot allow myself to be lead off my course by her unhealthy decisions.
One technique that works REALLY well for me is journaling. I have a physical journal that I write in. I just write out all my worries, fears, frustrations, etc. Until I've exhausted them. Then, I literally close the book on them, and leave them there for my Higher Power to solve for me. If I find myself focusing on my worries again later in the day, I'll write a few more lines, and close the book on them again. For me, the writing helps get my worries out of my head and on paper. The closing of the book is symbolic for me, I've closed them in the book, freeing myself to focus on other things, like my yoga practice, my puppies, or whatever else I have planned for myself for the day.
Keep coming back. I think Al-Anon is a practice, like Yoga. Showing up is half the "workout" (as my yoga instructor says), and we get stronger with regular practice.
Aloha said
Jan 15, 2020
(hugs) Sunny
I know this is infuriating stuff at times. The message I always heard from Al-Anon was to detach with love. So it doesn't mean I just stop caring about my loved ones... shrug my shoulders and say "oh, well." But what was happening for me was that I was completely losing myself in my obsession over the other people in my life. It made me sick - sick with worry, sick with resentment, sick with regret. How can I help others when I'm sick?
You are absolutely right - you need to make decisions that sit right with you where you're at right now because it's you who gets to live with the consequences of your actions.
I've always been encouraged to check my motives when I'm putting myself in a position to intervene. Am I doing it because I want them to change? Is that not control? Is my secret desire that my actions will suddenly become the turning point that is supposed to get this person sober? Am I hoping a professional or an authority figure will force this person into recovery?
These are good questions to go over with your sponsor.
But by all means - you do what you need to at this time. I trust that your Higher Power is watching out for you. I also trust that your husband's Higher Power is watching out for him, too.
tiredtonite said
Jan 15, 2020
Hi Sunnyfrogs,
I'm sorry for what you're going through. My exah had the same addiction. Many years ago I did what you've done. I told on him, basically. Alcoholism and addiction are illnesses and I'm not a medical professional. Even if I was, it would have been a real issue of codependence if I acted as my ex-husband's physician rather than a wife. When I reached out, it was an intervention, an attempt to get help for a sick family member. It allowed me to say I've done what I can. I've alerted his doctor. I have no regrets even these many years later. To have not phoned and been aware of what was going on in my thinking would have made me an enabler of his addiction. Then, it was up to the prescribing doctor and my ex to have a discussion of next steps concerning his care. But I felt there was absolutely nothing wrong in contacting his doctor to say my husband seemed to be having difficulties and describe what I was witnessing.
It will be up to you as to your degree of involvement. I let go for the most part after that. I did what I felt I could live with. It was a long road and I learned that there were so many ways he could acquire meds - on the street, online and through many unscrupulous doctors who were aware but continued to prescribe. Two are quite prominent and still practicing after a slap on wrist; were arrested for overprescribing. So, for some "do no harm" means nothing. For me, it meant everything. I couldn't just sit back and not at least try to get him help as his wife. After that, it was up to him.
You've made a decision and acted on it. You have your hp and program to lean on. Your husband has a hp too and your loving support within the scope of your own personal boundaries. At that time, I said the serenity prayer, upped my meetings and sponsor contact and did my best to return my focus to my own stuff. More will be revealed as it always is in hp's time not ours. Keep coming back, keep recovering. We're our own best investment. ((hugs)) TT
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 15, 2020
I think I need professional help,that this is beyond just working this program. As I said,I'm traumatized by his OD.I relive it every day. I do believe I might have PTSD or something and I need to see a mental health professional.
Debb said
Jan 15, 2020
SF you may greatly benefit indeed!!
So happy that you are open enough with yourself to be able to make this decision!!
I personally feel you need to resolve your fears so you can find peace!! It is definitely my wish for you, because I empathize completely!
I know that certain counselors are more apt to specialize in certain areas of trauma and that may help you make the right selection in who you would like to see.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Blessings to you SF
Iamhere said
Jan 15, 2020
(((SF))) - bringing it back to recovery, your post made me think of the three A(s)...Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I am one who believes a person should explore any/all resources available, inside and outside a recovery program to find their center. I have used outside help for a few traumatic experiences in my lifetime and am glad that I did. I say go for it - take action that helps you move forward and grow, one day at a time! (((Hugs)))
JerryF said
Jan 15, 2020
You did good...how would your Higher Power respond do you think?
tiredtonite said
Jan 15, 2020
It's great that you're aware of your own feelings and needs. Often we're the first to give care and last to get it for ourselves. I feel fortunate that I didn't lose my health from putting my own health on hold to attend to the well being of other first. My hp was caring for me when I wasn't caring for myself. It was a form of denial.
When I began to attend to my own needs, it sure felt good to be giving myself some positive attention, be listened to and hear and take the suggestions of professionals to keep well. You're worth it! We all are. (((hugs))) I hope you get the answers you're seeking and begin feel much better soon. TT
el-cee said
Jan 15, 2020
I can so relate to obsessive worrying. Others in the program taught me a few wee tricks that might help. If you count up the time you spend thinking up all the bad things that could happen ie the what ifs then spend the same for half the time thinking of the opposite or the good things that could happen. Theres a 50 50 chance of disaster happening or not. I so understand. For me I had to accept that death of the addict is a solution. Addiction comes to an end like everything and death can bring it to an end. I've come to the point that I know death would relieve the addict of the pain and relieve the family of theirs. Alcoholism has taken my lived one to deaths door twice now and both times have left me with some of that PTSD I think. I've had to accept he is on his own path and maybe these experiences are part of his journey for a higher purpose than I can even imagine. I have hope still that my beautiful son will get the chance one day to become the person he was meant to and who i know is still there. Its let go all the way and trust he has own higher power.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 15, 2020
JerryF wrote:
You did good...how would your Higher Power respond do you think?
Good question.Ive been wondering that since I read your post.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 15, 2020
el-cee wrote:
I can so relate to obsessive worrying. Others in the program taught me a few wee tricks that might help. If you count up the time you spend thinking up all the bad things that could happen ie the what ifs then spend the same for half the time thinking of the opposite or the good things that could happen. Theres a 50 50 chance of disaster happening or not. I so understand. For me I had to accept that death of the addict is a solution. Addiction comes to an end like everything and death can bring it to an end. I've come to the point that I know death would relieve the addict of the pain and relieve the family of theirs. Alcoholism has taken my lived one to deaths door twice now and both times have left me with some of that PTSD I think. I've had to accept he is on his own path and maybe these experiences are part of his journey for a higher purpose than I can even imagine. I have hope still that my beautiful son will get the chance one day to become the person he was meant to and who i know is still there. Its let go all the way and trust he has own higher power.
I stopped reading when I got to the part where you said "For me I had to accept that death of the addict is a solution. Addiction comes to an end like everything and death can bring it to an end. I've come to the point that I know death would relieve the addict of the pain and relieve the family of theirs".
I'm sorry but that was the most unhelpful thing I've read this far. Death as a solution?As a way to end the problem?Wow,just wow.
I know we're supposed to take what we like and leave the rest but I don't consider death as a solution to my struggles with my husband or anyone who has the disease of addiction. My struggles are MY struggles,would I be ok with them dying in order to get rid of my struggles? Omg,absolutely not.
That's no different than if someone decides suicide is a solution to a problem.
Time to take a break from here for a bit.This has gone past the point of being helpful now .
Debb said
Jan 15, 2020
El-Cee, I get where you were coming from and why. Sometimes individuals are not in a place to process the 50/50 reality of the situation.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 15, 2020
Debb wrote:
El-Cee, I get where you were coming from and why. Sometimes individuals are not in a place to process the 50/50 reality of the situation.
If you were referring to me as one of those individuals please do not insult my intelligence. I get the 50/50 reality of the situation. What I don't agree with is the idea of accepting death as a "solution".
Death is a possibility, it could be a consequence,but thinking of it as a solution is just so wrong to me. A solution means a way to solve a problem. A person dies from their disease and people actually think "problem solved"?
If that's the way of thinking here,I choose not to be a part of it.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Wednesday 15th of January 2020 07:41:03 PM
Debb said
Jan 15, 2020
I am so sorry for this dialogue, you are having a hard enough time as it is.
I would love that you come away from this board knowing that we all care very much about you!
Please let us know how you are doing with your search for outside assistance and if you are able to join a local Al-Anon F2F Group.
Blessings to you SF
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 15, 2020
Debb wrote:
I am so sorry for this dialogue, you are having a hard enough time as it is.
Apology accepted. Honestly though,your post made me smile because I had just read your thread about " group inventory" today.It made me smile because I was thinking,lol how ironic. And then that lead me to do a search on " self inventory" and "taking others inventory"so it turned out to be helpful afterall.
SunnyFrogs said
Jan 15, 2020
Also,2 more things.First,thank you for the smile,I needed that.And 2,being fairly new here I hope it's not common practice or considered acceptable to talk about other members here,especially publicly and in their own threads.
Blessings to you too.
Debb said
Jan 15, 2020
SF glad that you are good and it is not common practice to speak about others on what appears to be their dialogue!! I was speaking in general and that is why I apologized because I sensed that you took that generalization personally, would never want to insult yours or anyone else's intelligence!! Glad that you were able to locate the inventories and hope again that you let us know how you are doing.
Bo said
Jan 15, 2020
SunnyFrogs wrote:
Honestly, I'm starting to feel a bit irritated. I wish I could just let it go,think of it as none of my business, but how the heck is a person supposed to not care about someone they love losing their life?
I realize I can't prevent it from happening. I know I can't stand guard and babysit my husband at all times. He could OD in his sleep and I could find him dead in our bed in the morning. He could die on the toilet. Anything is possible,I realize that.
But how do you not obsess over that? How do you live a life without worrying over loved ones? I know,work the program,right?Whatever happens happens and we are not responsible,right?
I am so damn traumatized from his last OD. Seriously. Not a day goes by that it's not going through my mind.I wish to God I could just let it go but I can't.
You ask a lot of excellent questions. Even seasoned people in alanon struggle with this. Many think you simply "turn it off" and then have the ability to just let it go. In my experience, it does NOT work that way. Yes, everyone is different, but I have yet to see it work this way. Some don't even know it, but the mental process is no different than what we model our lives on -- the first three steps. Acceptance is first -- and it's not just saying it, accepting it, and moving on. It's staying, existing, and living that acceptance. Acceptance means yes, you accept it, but it also means completely giving up the obsessing, the efforts, the struggling, etc. It's a state of peace, tranquility, where you can be sad, but not be consumed. I see very few people truly being in a place like this.
Surrender is next. It is everything about acceptance, and then totally surrendering one's will, one's desires, being able to just be, knowing that a crisis is developing. It's like a person who is terminally ill -- and they go about their day, living each moment to the fullest. It's acceptance and surrender. It's being able to embrace that there is nothing that we can say, do, think, that will impact another, a situation, or whatever it might be.
Once those two things occur -- and you just be with those things -- all of a sudden, almost naturally, you just let go. You don't have to try. It happens. This, for some, is an spiritual awakening.
All the best.
JerryF said
Jan 15, 2020
Using professional help is using the program...Higher Power...I did it...HP, sponsorship, counselors, therapists, etc. Do those things you see others should or would do to get sane and healthy.
Iamhere said
Jan 15, 2020
(((SF))) - I can not ever know what is in the mind/heart of another! What I can share is often, especially when we're on the computer vs. face to face, and we've got international participation, words can be plain wrong, confusing or unintended as received. I truly believe that all members here have the best of intentions!
For me, when the disease is alive and well in those I love, I really have no choice but to dial-up my program AND any other loving support I can find. My experience is most people who've not lived with or loved another with addiction really don't understand. For me, before recovery, I would share with others, and got tons of well-intended advice and direction. Often times, I felt more confused and more defeated. I have some friends I talk with because they know I'm in recovery, and they love me unconditionally. When I reach out, they offer support, prayers and the like but they're very careful to not advise as they know they are inexperienced.
Both of my sons have OD'd in my home. In both cases, I was the one who found them. In both cases, at the time, it was truly the most frightening life event to date. Both survived, for which I was grateful. I don't care who you are or how long you've been in recovery, this is a 'show-stopper' and a 'heart-stopper'. It took me a long while to be able to sleep again, and to feel again - I was so shocked that it made me go numb emotionally. I don't talk about these events often as they are in the past, I don't want to stay there for long, and I truly try to stay in the present.
My sponsor was very helpful (still is)! I'm lucky that she's also (retired) a counselor. She said to me, at least twice (once for each child) that death could be a likely outcome. I knew this in my mind, but my heart remained in denial and disconnected for a long while. I had to do a ton of processing and praying to accept that as a possibility equal to the possibility that recovery could also be a likely outcome.
It is this program that gave me the choice to project with hope or project with fear. It is this program that gave me the ability to stop my mind in it's tracks, and say while there are various outcomes that 'could' happen, just for today, they are not. As a double winner, I have first hand experience is loosing members to the disease. I've also been witness to many who've died sober in recovery.
Keep in mind that being newer to recovery doesn't mean you matter less or feel less or what you're feeling is wrong! This disease is powerful progressive and deadly so each day we all make it to the pillow, is a successful day. Keep trusting your own recovery, be gentle with you and know you are not alone.
el-cee said
Jan 16, 2020
Im sorry, I haven't explained what I mean very well and hurt your feelings. I was relating your fear of death with your husband to where I am with my son.
I have just gotten to the point in my recovery where I can see the pain my son is in with alcoholism, the impact on his body, his mind, his relationships, hes so young and cant even hold a job, he gets into trouble a lot. When I say solution I mean that surely to God, I pray to God it doesn't go on forever, its painful for everyone, heartbreaking so yes Im sorry you feel offended but death is the disease coming to an end. Of course I pray for recovery of course I love my son just as you wish your husband gets recovery too but Ive had to accept that this disease is life threatening, it kills, death is a reality.
There is more than one way to look at this, I chose to look at it realistically and take peace in the reality as best I can.
Aloha said
Jan 16, 2020
This has been a poignant thread. Thank you, everyone, for the discussion and different points of view.
I know for me talking about death is certainly a trigger. After all, most of my trying to help others has been in the interest of their not perishing.
I found the death issue was best approached after I'd developed a loving relationship with a Higher Power. I did eventually come to a place to understand that my loved ones were going to be okay without my help, even in death - I trusted that God would be there for them every step of the way. But again, that took some really heavy work in my program and I can absolutely sympathize with it feeling completely inappropriate to discuss at the same time if I haven't come to that point in my recovery. But I agree - death is a very real risk of this disease. I can't live in denial around it. Alcoholism and addiction are SERIOUS. It takes lives.
And so does our half of the coin play havoc with our lives, as well. I've heard of Al-Anon members who took their own lives. A couple of my closer friends in recovery were in the rooms because of their own suicide attempts. This disease takes no prisoners on both sides, an that's why its important we do what is necessary to take good care of ourselves and not allow ourselves to get buried under our loved ones' disease.
I've also attended one-on-one counseling. Although most of the ideas the counselor presented to me were things I was working on with Al-Anon and my sponsor, I did find her extra validation helpful for me at the time.
We love and support you, Sunny. And thank you for taking what you like and leaving the rest. We're all human beings and far from infallible.
My AH is abusing his pain medication.It is getting worse as each month goes by,the prescription refills are running out sooner each time.
He is in bed right now,I'm assuming feeling sick from not having the meds. I'm really tempted to alert his doctor.As a matter of fact I have the email written already,all I need to do is click send.
IDK though.What good would it do?It will only cause problems for me when and if he finds out.He could just get them off the streets if the refills are stopped.
I know there's nothing I can do to control this or even him for that matter.I can't make him stop what he does by letting the doctor know.
Why do I want to do this?To control him? Fear he will overdose(again)?Would contacting the Dr prevent another OD?I am asking myself these questions,not you guys.
I am sitting here with major anxiety trying to decide whether I should or not.
On second thougt,I'm not going to do anything, not right now.I will just wait to read your ESH.I will delete the email and do deep breathing instead.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Monday 13th of January 2020 01:00:32 PM
When in doubt, don't, as is often said.
Glad you're thinking it through.
There's a great pamphlet on detachment, and two of the lines on that pamphlet are to 1. not create a crisis, OR, 2. not to prevent a crisis when it is in the natural course of events.
I know that's SUPER hard to do. For me, anyhow, I was always thinking about how I would be negatively impacted if an imaginary crisis occurred, so I was always trying to move the pieces around on the board to ensure that I was going to be alright. But that level of control and manipulation only left me feeling horrible, and if the A found out, he'd confirm for me how horrible I was, too.
Back to keeping my focus on me. This situation is disturbing me right now. What can I change for myself that will help me to feel better right now? Often it was getting to a meeting, calling my sponsor or another friend in the program... getting out and being of service. Even stuff as mundane as going grocery shopping or watching a movie. Just have to swap my obsessive mind over to something that's not so stressful.
If anything, I find sitting down and filling a page in a notebook with gratitudes can lift my mood and shift my perspective drastically.
Hope your day goes better, Sunny. Thanks so much for posting!
Here's a link to that Detachment pamphlet, if you're interested: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf
(edited to fix a typo)
-- Edited by Aloha on Tuesday 14th of January 2020 08:26:51 AM
Thank you so much Aloha. As I was reading it I could feel my anxiety subsiding.
Now to get busy and change my focus is on the agenda!
(Amazing that all this stuff actually helps and works)
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Monday 13th of January 2020 01:16:40 PM
So, I will say that in contacting the doctor I learned some new information, and also that it did not have the result I wanted, i.e. someone making my AH do something I wanted him to do.
Posting here, calling another in recovery, attending a meeting or just taking a walk - changing things up - helped me greatly in times of greatest despair/fear. Keep coming back and keep exploring the tools - it does work when we work it!
This doesn't work without being completely, thoroughly, and absolutely open and honest.
All the best.
I hate that everything feels so urgent and like a crisis so easily and so often.I need to remember that feelings aren't facts.
Thanks(again) for the help and support.
I learned "Do the best you can with what you have and then own the consequences" and while that sounds/sounded ominous I had needs that needed attention so I gave them my attention where and when I could and as much as I could. Sometimes that attention included the help and support of others and at other times not. I learned to offer the consequences up with and to my Higher Power and then accepted outcomes. There were times my involvement was very positive and right on and at other times I learned from the experiences of others involved.
When it came to my consequences I learned to trust Higher Powers rather than my own as following the doctors orders explicitly rather than using my will to take over. It wasn't usual for me to trust and follow others until I got into program.
When it came into participating in the care of my alcoholic/addict wife I insisted in being a parts of the process and then even the doctors did their own thing once to the very detriment on my spouses condition. They didn't trust that I knew what I knew about alcohol and the ism and she ended up half paralyzed and half in tremors till she called me into the treatment room.
I use what the program has taught me along with the experiences I have learned from Higher Powers...this is a do, a practice program for me. ((((hugs))))
I sent the email to the Dr today. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not but for me personally, I feel it was the right thing for ME.
It doesn't mean the Dr will put a stop to the refills. It doesn't mean she won't prescribe something even more addictive. It doesn't mean anything really other than the fact that she's aware of what's going on.
I did it because I don't want to watch my husband overdose again and maybe not be revived next time. I don't want to go to his funeral knowing that I sat by and watched it happen. I did this for me and my own conscious and no other reason.
Maybe that's not following the program as I "should" but I did what I felt was best for ME.
My experience, for me, you did what you did because it was the right thing to do for you. Period.
Now, after that -- what the doctor does, doesn't do, might do, could do, should do, and so on is...one, none of your business. Two, does not have to take up even one second of your mental capacity/thought process. Let it go. Move on.
That's all folks, LOL.
All the best.
Honestly, I'm starting to feel a bit irritated. I wish I could just let it go,think of it as none of my business, but how the heck is a person supposed to not care about someone they love losing their life?
I realize I can't prevent it from happening. I know I can't stand guard and babysit my husband at all times. He could OD in his sleep and I could find him dead in our bed in the morning. He could die on the toilet. Anything is possible,I realize that.
But how do you not obsess over that? How do you live a life without worrying over loved ones? I know,work the program,right?Whatever happens happens and we are not responsible,right?
I am so damn traumatized from his last OD. Seriously. Not a day goes by that it's not going through my mind.I wish to God I could just let it go but I can't.
Everyone's circumstances, reasons, purposes and environments are different and Al-Anon takes that into account so don't be so hard on yourself!!
The hardest thing for me to learn and accept was the reasons for my fears that were holding me back from Letting Go and Letting God.
Al-Anon works because it asks you to look at yourself and your motives. Al-Anon's goal is not to find fault but to find answers to attain serenity. Working the Steps are the first place to start, honestly work the steps and all will fall into place for you. This is a abbreviated version of the steps that I like for quick reference:
STEPS: Solutions To Every Problem
(1) I Can't; (2) God Can; (3) Let God; (4) Look Within; (5) Admit Wrongs; (6) Ready Self For Change; (7) Seek God's Help; (8) Become Willing; (9) Make Amends; (10) Daily Inventory; (11) Pray and Meditate; (12) Give It Away.
Are you doing F2F meetings and maybe found a sponsor?
Here is a link to locate a meeting near you: al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
And of course you should always come back to MIP to share and discuss, please come back!!
-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 15th of January 2020 08:05:22 AM
You are doing a great job working your program, using program tools, and coming back. It looks good on you!
My wife has a substance use disorder, and her substance of choice is alcohol. She also has co-occurring mental health issues that require regular medication. This isn't the same situation, but it is similar enough, I think. I've often found myself noticing that she ISN'T taking her prescribed medications as prescribed, and have often found myself wondering - should I let her doctor know? Like you, I "practice the pause" and when I'm in doubt, I don't. I wait, think things over, talk the situation over with my alanon group. Listen to the Experience, Strength, and Hope of others. Sometimes, I email her doctor. Sometimes I don't. (Keeping in mind that this has been an ongoing issue for 5 + years.) Each time, I make the decision that feels right for me, let her doctor know what is going on, and let it go. Whatever happens next, I'm confident that I have acted in accordance with my own beliefs and values, that I have done what I thought was right in the situation, and that whatever happens next is between my wife, her doctor, and her Higher Power.
For me, letting go isn't the same as not caring. I care, and I care deeply. But by letting go, I acknowledge that my wife must find her own way through her life journey, and that I am not her Higher Power. Of course, I am her current companion, and I hope that she will make healthy choices. But, I have my own life journey as well, and I cannot allow myself to be lead off my course by her unhealthy decisions.
One technique that works REALLY well for me is journaling. I have a physical journal that I write in. I just write out all my worries, fears, frustrations, etc. Until I've exhausted them. Then, I literally close the book on them, and leave them there for my Higher Power to solve for me. If I find myself focusing on my worries again later in the day, I'll write a few more lines, and close the book on them again. For me, the writing helps get my worries out of my head and on paper. The closing of the book is symbolic for me, I've closed them in the book, freeing myself to focus on other things, like my yoga practice, my puppies, or whatever else I have planned for myself for the day.
Keep coming back. I think Al-Anon is a practice, like Yoga. Showing up is half the "workout" (as my yoga instructor says), and we get stronger with regular practice.
(hugs) Sunny
I know this is infuriating stuff at times. The message I always heard from Al-Anon was to detach with love. So it doesn't mean I just stop caring about my loved ones... shrug my shoulders and say "oh, well." But what was happening for me was that I was completely losing myself in my obsession over the other people in my life. It made me sick - sick with worry, sick with resentment, sick with regret. How can I help others when I'm sick?
You are absolutely right - you need to make decisions that sit right with you where you're at right now because it's you who gets to live with the consequences of your actions.
I've always been encouraged to check my motives when I'm putting myself in a position to intervene. Am I doing it because I want them to change? Is that not control? Is my secret desire that my actions will suddenly become the turning point that is supposed to get this person sober? Am I hoping a professional or an authority figure will force this person into recovery?
These are good questions to go over with your sponsor.
But by all means - you do what you need to at this time. I trust that your Higher Power is watching out for you. I also trust that your husband's Higher Power is watching out for him, too.
So happy that you are open enough with yourself to be able to make this decision!!
I personally feel you need to resolve your fears so you can find peace!! It is definitely my wish for you, because I empathize completely!
I know that certain counselors are more apt to specialize in certain areas of trauma and that may help you make the right selection in who you would like to see.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Blessings to you SF
You did good...how would your Higher Power respond do you think?
It's great that you're aware of your own feelings and needs. Often we're the first to give care and last to get it for ourselves. I feel fortunate that I didn't lose my health from putting my own health on hold to attend to the well being of other first. My hp was caring for me when I wasn't caring for myself. It was a form of denial.
When I began to attend to my own needs, it sure felt good to be giving myself some positive attention, be listened to and hear and take the suggestions of professionals to keep well. You're worth it! We all are. (((hugs))) I hope you get the answers you're seeking and begin feel much better soon. TT
Good question.Ive been wondering that since I read your post.
I stopped reading when I got to the part where you said "For me I had to accept that death of the addict is a solution. Addiction comes to an end like everything and death can bring it to an end. I've come to the point that I know death would relieve the addict of the pain and relieve the family of theirs".
I'm sorry but that was the most unhelpful thing I've read this far. Death as a solution?As a way to end the problem?Wow,just wow.
I know we're supposed to take what we like and leave the rest but I don't consider death as a solution to my struggles with my husband or anyone who has the disease of addiction. My struggles are MY struggles,would I be ok with them dying in order to get rid of my struggles? Omg,absolutely not.
That's no different than if someone decides suicide is a solution to a problem.
Time to take a break from here for a bit.This has gone past the point of being helpful now .
If you were referring to me as one of those individuals please do not insult my intelligence. I get the 50/50 reality of the situation. What I don't agree with is the idea of accepting death as a "solution".
Death is a possibility, it could be a consequence,but thinking of it as a solution is just so wrong to me. A solution means a way to solve a problem. A person dies from their disease and people actually think "problem solved"?
If that's the way of thinking here,I choose not to be a part of it.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Wednesday 15th of January 2020 07:41:03 PM
I would love that you come away from this board knowing that we all care very much about you!
Please let us know how you are doing with your search for outside assistance and if you are able to join a local Al-Anon F2F Group.
Blessings to you SF
Apology accepted. Honestly though,your post made me smile because I had just read your thread about " group inventory" today.It made me smile because I was thinking,lol how ironic. And then that lead me to do a search on " self inventory" and "taking others inventory"so it turned out to be helpful afterall.
Blessings to you too.
You ask a lot of excellent questions. Even seasoned people in alanon struggle with this. Many think you simply "turn it off" and then have the ability to just let it go. In my experience, it does NOT work that way. Yes, everyone is different, but I have yet to see it work this way. Some don't even know it, but the mental process is no different than what we model our lives on -- the first three steps. Acceptance is first -- and it's not just saying it, accepting it, and moving on. It's staying, existing, and living that acceptance. Acceptance means yes, you accept it, but it also means completely giving up the obsessing, the efforts, the struggling, etc. It's a state of peace, tranquility, where you can be sad, but not be consumed. I see very few people truly being in a place like this.
Surrender is next. It is everything about acceptance, and then totally surrendering one's will, one's desires, being able to just be, knowing that a crisis is developing. It's like a person who is terminally ill -- and they go about their day, living each moment to the fullest. It's acceptance and surrender. It's being able to embrace that there is nothing that we can say, do, think, that will impact another, a situation, or whatever it might be.
Once those two things occur -- and you just be with those things -- all of a sudden, almost naturally, you just let go. You don't have to try. It happens. This, for some, is an spiritual awakening.
All the best.
Using professional help is using the program...Higher Power...I did it...HP, sponsorship, counselors, therapists, etc. Do those things you see others should or would do to get sane and healthy.
For me, when the disease is alive and well in those I love, I really have no choice but to dial-up my program AND any other loving support I can find. My experience is most people who've not lived with or loved another with addiction really don't understand. For me, before recovery, I would share with others, and got tons of well-intended advice and direction. Often times, I felt more confused and more defeated. I have some friends I talk with because they know I'm in recovery, and they love me unconditionally. When I reach out, they offer support, prayers and the like but they're very careful to not advise as they know they are inexperienced.
Both of my sons have OD'd in my home. In both cases, I was the one who found them. In both cases, at the time, it was truly the most frightening life event to date. Both survived, for which I was grateful. I don't care who you are or how long you've been in recovery, this is a 'show-stopper' and a 'heart-stopper'. It took me a long while to be able to sleep again, and to feel again - I was so shocked that it made me go numb emotionally. I don't talk about these events often as they are in the past, I don't want to stay there for long, and I truly try to stay in the present.
My sponsor was very helpful (still is)! I'm lucky that she's also (retired) a counselor. She said to me, at least twice (once for each child) that death could be a likely outcome. I knew this in my mind, but my heart remained in denial and disconnected for a long while. I had to do a ton of processing and praying to accept that as a possibility equal to the possibility that recovery could also be a likely outcome.
It is this program that gave me the choice to project with hope or project with fear. It is this program that gave me the ability to stop my mind in it's tracks, and say while there are various outcomes that 'could' happen, just for today, they are not. As a double winner, I have first hand experience is loosing members to the disease. I've also been witness to many who've died sober in recovery.
Keep in mind that being newer to recovery doesn't mean you matter less or feel less or what you're feeling is wrong! This disease is powerful progressive and deadly so each day we all make it to the pillow, is a successful day. Keep trusting your own recovery, be gentle with you and know you are not alone.
I have just gotten to the point in my recovery where I can see the pain my son is in with alcoholism, the impact on his body, his mind, his relationships, hes so young and cant even hold a job, he gets into trouble a lot. When I say solution I mean that surely to God, I pray to God it doesn't go on forever, its painful for everyone, heartbreaking so yes Im sorry you feel offended but death is the disease coming to an end. Of course I pray for recovery of course I love my son just as you wish your husband gets recovery too but Ive had to accept that this disease is life threatening, it kills, death is a reality.
There is more than one way to look at this, I chose to look at it realistically and take peace in the reality as best I can.
I know for me talking about death is certainly a trigger. After all, most of my trying to help others has been in the interest of their not perishing.
I found the death issue was best approached after I'd developed a loving relationship with a Higher Power. I did eventually come to a place to understand that my loved ones were going to be okay without my help, even in death - I trusted that God would be there for them every step of the way. But again, that took some really heavy work in my program and I can absolutely sympathize with it feeling completely inappropriate to discuss at the same time if I haven't come to that point in my recovery. But I agree - death is a very real risk of this disease. I can't live in denial around it. Alcoholism and addiction are SERIOUS. It takes lives.
And so does our half of the coin play havoc with our lives, as well. I've heard of Al-Anon members who took their own lives. A couple of my closer friends in recovery were in the rooms because of their own suicide attempts. This disease takes no prisoners on both sides, an that's why its important we do what is necessary to take good care of ourselves and not allow ourselves to get buried under our loved ones' disease.
I've also attended one-on-one counseling. Although most of the ideas the counselor presented to me were things I was working on with Al-Anon and my sponsor, I did find her extra validation helpful for me at the time.
We love and support you, Sunny. And thank you for taking what you like and leaving the rest. We're all human beings and far from infallible.