In Today's reading from C2C, the author reflects on their experiences with a newly-sober alcoholic. The author shares that they once very emphatically told their family that the constant bickering was impacting their newly sober loved one and it might cause her to start drinking again. The author was shocked when a family member said "well, let her!" From this exchange, the author realized that they were still trying to make everything smooth and easy for their alcoholic loved one, and that they hadn't accepted that they were powerless over alcoholism in sobriety as well.
Let go and let God is a slogan that the author used to turn over the alcoholic and their sobriety to HP, and thus free the author of the constant need to watch over the newly sober alcoholic. The alcoholic and her HP are in charge of her sobriety. Health, happiness, and sobriety aren't things the author can hand to their loved one.
Today's Reminder: Today I choose to place my trust in that Higher Power, knowing that all is well.
Today's Quote: "If we supply the willingness, God supplies the power" The Al-Anon Family Groups - Classic Edition
------------------------------
I can really identify with today's author and their experience. I often find myself doing things in the hopes that my wife will make heathier choices or embrace adult responsibilities. In the past, I also found myself trying to make it easy for her to stay sober. And, although I released her sobriety to HP, I find myself still trying to make things easy for her so she can make a healthy food choice or go to the doctor. I became aware of this very recently, and have stepped back. I no longer make it easy for her to take her medications by filling her pill box and reminding her to refill as needed. I don't take the time to plan healthy meals for her on the nights I am away from home. I don't pack lunches for her. I don't check with her regarding dirty laundry collections that didn't make it into the hamper when I'm about to start a load.
With more program work, I'm finding the balance between being a supportive spouse to someone with co-occurring addiction and mental health issues and not enabling. The questions: Am I doing something for her that SHE ought to be able to do for herself? and Am I resentful of what I am doing? are helping me to find that balance. Focusing on myself, surrounding myself with friends in the program and friends who are in healthy places is helping me to identify where that balance is, and I'm understanding how important real connections and honest conversations among friends really are to my own mental health. Realistically speaking, there are things she isn't going to be able to do, and some give and take in a relationship is normal and healthy. But it has to be a give and take on both sides, and being aware of that balance and asking her to step up where she can to help me is something I am also practicing and getting better at.
Winter seems to have wanted to remind me that January and cold go together, and despite the cold wind, I'm thankful for a somewhat "normal" winter day today. I hope you make today a great day.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 8, 2020
Thank you Skorpi for your service and very personal share.
I read with interest b/c my amends to my Ex would be that I was "too good" and fixing, covering, and smoothing. After I left, and subsequent months since the divorce, I am amazed at the things he just doesn't know how to do! When I get exasperated (b/c he texts me asking how to do something), I remind myself that I was a part of that development. But Al-Anon helps me to put away the blame-game goggles and treat myself with kindness. I did what I did b/c someone had to be the "adult" and do all the things an "adult life" requires. I am sending you strength, b/c I found that it was hard to walk that tightrope of being supportive and enabling. It does require daily work on ourselves to be sure! Today, I work on this with my young adult kid who is still living with me. I do not want to make the same mistakes I made w/my spouse. I don't know it all. I don't have all the answers, and there is more than "my way" to get things accomplished! Stepping back, allowing them to feel the consequences of their decisions can be hard (especially for a Mom)! But things like your share, remind me that I am doing the healthy thing.
&
El said
Jan 8, 2020
Thank you Skorpi for your service and PnP for your ever inspiring shares, as well.
"Blame-game" goggles. I like that. I have worn them many times, PnP.
Skorpi, I can so relate to...... if not directly doing something for your spouse, you make it easier by filling her pill box, etc., etc. That is me to a TEE in our home. My AH has recently acquired a very itchy skin condition that requires an ointment 2x/day. Of course in trying to be helpful......I would remind him every day, ask when he wanted help with it (his back) and so forth. I found I was caring more than him and putting in all the effort for him to feel better. He didn't need to worry about it, because I was there to be his nurse. Then because I didn't want to chase him.....I would put out the ointment in view, put out his towel for him to sit on, asked how his itching was.....anything to REMIND him to take care of himself. LOL......I was still caring more than him!!! So, because I can be a slow learner.....I have finally stopped doing ANYTHING regarding this, anything he can do himself. I will see him scratching like crazy, and I don't say a word. He knows what he has to do.
It is so hard to be hands off and although I would love my AH to enter recovery, I know it would be very difficult for me to not hover and try to make things easier. The readings and posts are so important to our well-being whether it currently applies to us or not.
Good old fashioned winter day here in western New York State. Friday it is going back to 50! Thankful for each and every day.
Ellen
tiredtonite said
Jan 8, 2020
Thanks scorpi for your service and your share. For me, this goes well beyond my relationships with alcoholics. It's about have healthy boundaries in all of my relationships. Codependence is what got me here and I have to be mindful to practice self care first and caring for others second. The only exception would be young children who are dependent on adults for their care. There is a vast difference between exhibiting care for another and being a caretaker of another adult who is capable of doing for themself.
Before Alanon and in the early years of recovery, I gravitated to people who were looking for a rescuer. My skewed thinking had me believing this made me a caring a good person to come to the aid of others. I was uncomfortable with thoughts that the other might be taking advantage of me and empowered - ego stroked by being responsible for possibly creating a positive outcome for someone else's overall well-being.
I try to keep in mind today that I want my boundaries to be the same no matter who or what the nature of my relationship to the other person. Again with the exception of young children in my care. From experience living with drinking alcoholics and sober ones, I've found that my boundaries are the same concerning offering help and doing for them. I am willing to help someone help themself. Logic tells me that someone who has spent most of their time drinking may be oblivious to what seems like natural day to day self care for some of us. Of course this isn't true for all alcoholics. Functional alcoholic can appear incredibly put together, very good at making decisions and know how to get where they need to go. I can certainly say while pointing the finger inward, that I have turned to a few with my own issues of dependency for guidance and courage to make life decisions. Maybe this is why I'm not a big fan of the term "alcoholic behaviors." I'm not an alcoholic but I certainly have a share of unhealthy behaviors as well.
I think the biggest issue for me today while sharing life with my partner is being mindful of over involvement and respectful of their personal power to choose. If I see my partner struggling, I can ask if they would like help with that. Long gone are the days of literally taking something out of another's hands and saying things like here, let me do that, I know how to fix that. OMG, just typing that is frightening lol We have healthy food options in the home as well as less than healthy ones. The inclination for my partner in sobriety is to be drawn to sugar and caffeine. They'll complain about how they physically feel, upset stomach etc. I practice detachment today because no adult wants to be should on. We've had conversations about alternatives in the past. At best, I may say I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. We do things for one another that we both could do for ourselves. When you are under the same roof and know one another's habits it can be nice to know you're cared about. It's nice to find my clothes folded and ready to be put away. This doesn't hamper (no pun intended) my self sufficiency. It's just a nice gesture that I can say I appreciate. If it reaches a point of keeping score concerning how much I am getting when I give and give and give it may be time to look at my motivation in giving to those I love.
I especially like the part of the reading that speaks about actions and inactions in relation to someone keeping sober. Wow was that ever tiresome when I was new to Alanon. I made my ex's sobriety my higher power. My belief was that my actions played a very big part in his continued sobriety or his relapse. Gratefully, oldtimers in this program clued me in that working the Alanon program officially released me of that responsibility. They assured that I had no power in bringing about the alcoholics sobriety or relapse but if I worked the Alanon program and exhibited healthy behaviors myself it could "improve the family situation." Sometimes I've heard it said in Alanon when one is looking for a sponsor, "I want what you've got." Practicing sanity and knowing when to zip my lip in my home helps me with maintaining my serenity. It's that over involment in what's going on on his side of the street that I have to be mindful of. When the help offered has not been solicited, it's not met with much gratitude. It more of case of him wishing I would get on my broom and fly back over to my own side of the street and do my own recovery cleaning.
Thanks for the shares and lots of great reminders about balance in giving to others and self focus. ((hugs)) TT
Iamhere said
Jan 8, 2020
Thank you Skorpi for the daily and for your service....thank you all for your shares and ESH! I too love the 'blame goggles' - got one (or more) pairs around here! This reading reminds me of the day my sponsor asked me, after listening to me for a long while about all my issues, problems, responsibilities, worry, etc. - "Why do you care more about their future than they do?" "Why do you care more about their health than they do?" "Why do you care more about their reputation (jail, record, etc.) than they do?"
If I am honest, she had probably asked before but the day that it really struck me was a big 'Aha' moment for me. I began to explore that more in depth through discussion (my role, actions, etc.) and journaling and what I discovered is that a part of me was always willing to clean up after others, do the reminders, set the alarms, etc. because I thought that's what 'love was'! Of course, time, inventories, program, practice, steps, etc. all help me to realize that while my intent and actions come/came from a place of love, often if not always, it was also all about control of other people, places and things.
I had to let balls drop for others to learn that I had resigned from the managing mother of the year. I had to let my AH go to the wrong place over and over again for him to learn how to write things down if he really wants to be at the correct Doctor office for the appointment or the correct golf course for a round of golf. I have had to sit on my hands instead of waking one/both of my kids up for their job/school. It's been painful and far from easy for me to change, yet the more I do detach, they better they get! They really were capable, just not required because I always filled the gap, paid the bill, set the alarm, reminded then of ..............
The pause quote in my signature has been a huge help to me. Beyond my own actions, words, etc. I pause always now to pray before I proceed, respond, commit. All I know, for me, is the more I rely on my HP to direct/guide me and set aside what I 'want', the better things are/go. On a funny note, I'm becoming aware where I may have gotten 'some' of this --- when my parents were here over the holidays, my mother kept asking me what so-so is doing, thinking, etc. I said, kindly many times and finally with a bit more snip that I've learned to not ask questions of others that don't directly affect me as I don't want to be viewed as nosey or controlling!!!
It's been a long day for me - I was up very early, did my routine and then went to keep my friend company at the hospital for the morning. I left there and headed to golf - getting home around dinner time. I packed a lunch to eat in-between as well as layers as it was not super warm out today! But - both parts of my day were full of laughter, tears, fellowship, stories, etc. I am grateful to be home now - relaxing and in for the night! (((Hugs))) to all!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 9, 2020
Ellen - I just had to come back on here and comment that your cream story made me chuckle... I could certainly see myself in that story!!! You are not alone!
&
Debb said
Jan 11, 2020
"Let Go And Let God", so very important to remember, thank you for your time and service, been spending too much time trying on my own and have lost my way. Well I am back to re-establish the use of the Al-anon tools and slogans, because they work!!
Hello MIP!
In Today's reading from C2C, the author reflects on their experiences with a newly-sober alcoholic. The author shares that they once very emphatically told their family that the constant bickering was impacting their newly sober loved one and it might cause her to start drinking again. The author was shocked when a family member said "well, let her!" From this exchange, the author realized that they were still trying to make everything smooth and easy for their alcoholic loved one, and that they hadn't accepted that they were powerless over alcoholism in sobriety as well.
Let go and let God is a slogan that the author used to turn over the alcoholic and their sobriety to HP, and thus free the author of the constant need to watch over the newly sober alcoholic. The alcoholic and her HP are in charge of her sobriety. Health, happiness, and sobriety aren't things the author can hand to their loved one.
Today's Reminder: Today I choose to place my trust in that Higher Power, knowing that all is well.
Today's Quote: "If we supply the willingness, God supplies the power" The Al-Anon Family Groups - Classic Edition
------------------------------
I can really identify with today's author and their experience. I often find myself doing things in the hopes that my wife will make heathier choices or embrace adult responsibilities. In the past, I also found myself trying to make it easy for her to stay sober. And, although I released her sobriety to HP, I find myself still trying to make things easy for her so she can make a healthy food choice or go to the doctor. I became aware of this very recently, and have stepped back. I no longer make it easy for her to take her medications by filling her pill box and reminding her to refill as needed. I don't take the time to plan healthy meals for her on the nights I am away from home. I don't pack lunches for her. I don't check with her regarding dirty laundry collections that didn't make it into the hamper when I'm about to start a load.
With more program work, I'm finding the balance between being a supportive spouse to someone with co-occurring addiction and mental health issues and not enabling. The questions: Am I doing something for her that SHE ought to be able to do for herself? and Am I resentful of what I am doing? are helping me to find that balance. Focusing on myself, surrounding myself with friends in the program and friends who are in healthy places is helping me to identify where that balance is, and I'm understanding how important real connections and honest conversations among friends really are to my own mental health. Realistically speaking, there are things she isn't going to be able to do, and some give and take in a relationship is normal and healthy. But it has to be a give and take on both sides, and being aware of that balance and asking her to step up where she can to help me is something I am also practicing and getting better at.
Winter seems to have wanted to remind me that January and cold go together, and despite the cold wind, I'm thankful for a somewhat "normal" winter day today. I hope you make today a great day.
Thank you Skorpi for your service and very personal share.
& 
I read with interest b/c my amends to my Ex would be that I was "too good" and fixing, covering, and smoothing. After I left, and subsequent months since the divorce, I am amazed at the things he just doesn't know how to do! When I get exasperated (b/c he texts me asking how to do something), I remind myself that I was a part of that development. But Al-Anon helps me to put away the blame-game goggles and treat myself with kindness. I did what I did b/c someone had to be the "adult" and do all the things an "adult life" requires.
I am sending you strength, b/c I found that it was hard to walk that tightrope of being supportive and enabling. It does require daily work on ourselves to be sure! Today, I work on this with my young adult kid who is still living with me. I do not want to make the same mistakes I made w/my spouse. I don't know it all. I don't have all the answers, and there is more than "my way" to get things accomplished! Stepping back, allowing them to feel the consequences of their decisions can be hard (especially for a Mom)! But things like your share, remind me that I am doing the healthy thing.
Thank you Skorpi for your service and PnP for your ever inspiring shares, as well.
"Blame-game" goggles. I like that. I have worn them many times, PnP.
Skorpi, I can so relate to...... if not directly doing something for your spouse, you make it easier by filling her pill box, etc., etc. That is me to a TEE in our home. My AH has recently acquired a very itchy skin condition that requires an ointment 2x/day. Of course in trying to be helpful......I would remind him every day, ask when he wanted help with it (his back) and so forth. I found I was caring more than him and putting in all the effort for him to feel better. He didn't need to worry about it, because I was there to be his nurse. Then because I didn't want to chase him.....I would put out the ointment in view, put out his towel for him to sit on, asked how his itching was.....anything to REMIND him to take care of himself. LOL......I was still caring more than him!!! So, because I can be a slow learner.....I have finally stopped doing ANYTHING regarding this, anything he can do himself. I will see him scratching like crazy, and I don't say a word. He knows what he has to do.
It is so hard to be hands off and although I would love my AH to enter recovery, I know it would be very difficult for me to not hover and try to make things easier. The readings and posts are so important to our well-being whether it currently applies to us or not.
Good old fashioned winter day here in western New York State. Friday it is going back to 50! Thankful for each and every day.
Ellen
Thanks scorpi for your service and your share. For me, this goes well beyond my relationships with alcoholics. It's about have healthy boundaries in all of my relationships. Codependence is what got me here and I have to be mindful to practice self care first and caring for others second. The only exception would be young children who are dependent on adults for their care. There is a vast difference between exhibiting care for another and being a caretaker of another adult who is capable of doing for themself.
Before Alanon and in the early years of recovery, I gravitated to people who were looking for a rescuer. My skewed thinking had me believing this made me a caring a good person to come to the aid of others. I was uncomfortable with thoughts that the other might be taking advantage of me and empowered - ego stroked by being responsible for possibly creating a positive outcome for someone else's overall well-being.
I try to keep in mind today that I want my boundaries to be the same no matter who or what the nature of my relationship to the other person. Again with the exception of young children in my care. From experience living with drinking alcoholics and sober ones, I've found that my boundaries are the same concerning offering help and doing for them. I am willing to help someone help themself. Logic tells me that someone who has spent most of their time drinking may be oblivious to what seems like natural day to day self care for some of us. Of course this isn't true for all alcoholics. Functional alcoholic can appear incredibly put together, very good at making decisions and know how to get where they need to go. I can certainly say while pointing the finger inward, that I have turned to a few with my own issues of dependency for guidance and courage to make life decisions. Maybe this is why I'm not a big fan of the term "alcoholic behaviors." I'm not an alcoholic but I certainly have a share of unhealthy behaviors as well.
I think the biggest issue for me today while sharing life with my partner is being mindful of over involvement and respectful of their personal power to choose. If I see my partner struggling, I can ask if they would like help with that. Long gone are the days of literally taking something out of another's hands and saying things like here, let me do that, I know how to fix that. OMG, just typing that is frightening lol We have healthy food options in the home as well as less than healthy ones. The inclination for my partner in sobriety is to be drawn to sugar and caffeine. They'll complain about how they physically feel, upset stomach etc. I practice detachment today because no adult wants to be should on. We've had conversations about alternatives in the past. At best, I may say I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. We do things for one another that we both could do for ourselves. When you are under the same roof and know one another's habits it can be nice to know you're cared about. It's nice to find my clothes folded and ready to be put away. This doesn't hamper (no pun intended) my self sufficiency. It's just a nice gesture that I can say I appreciate. If it reaches a point of keeping score concerning how much I am getting when I give and give and give
it may be time to look at my motivation in giving to those I love.
I especially like the part of the reading that speaks about actions and inactions in relation to someone keeping sober. Wow was that ever tiresome when I was new to Alanon. I made my ex's sobriety my higher power. My belief was that my actions played a very big part in his continued sobriety or his relapse. Gratefully, oldtimers in this program clued me in that working the Alanon program officially released me of that responsibility. They assured that I had no power in bringing about the alcoholics sobriety or relapse but if I worked the Alanon program and exhibited healthy behaviors myself it could "improve the family situation." Sometimes I've heard it said in Alanon when one is looking for a sponsor, "I want what you've got." Practicing sanity and knowing when to zip my lip in my home helps me with maintaining my serenity. It's that over involment in what's going on on his side of the street that I have to be mindful of. When the help offered has not been solicited, it's not met with much gratitude. It more of case of him wishing I would get on my broom and fly back over to my own side of the street and do my own recovery cleaning.
Thanks for the shares and lots of great reminders about balance in giving to others and self focus. ((hugs)) TT
If I am honest, she had probably asked before but the day that it really struck me was a big 'Aha' moment for me. I began to explore that more in depth through discussion (my role, actions, etc.) and journaling and what I discovered is that a part of me was always willing to clean up after others, do the reminders, set the alarms, etc. because I thought that's what 'love was'! Of course, time, inventories, program, practice, steps, etc. all help me to realize that while my intent and actions come/came from a place of love, often if not always, it was also all about control of other people, places and things.
I had to let balls drop for others to learn that I had resigned from the managing mother of the year. I had to let my AH go to the wrong place over and over again for him to learn how to write things down if he really wants to be at the correct Doctor office for the appointment or the correct golf course for a round of golf. I have had to sit on my hands instead of waking one/both of my kids up for their job/school. It's been painful and far from easy for me to change, yet the more I do detach, they better they get! They really were capable, just not required because I always filled the gap, paid the bill, set the alarm, reminded then of ..............
The pause quote in my signature has been a huge help to me. Beyond my own actions, words, etc. I pause always now to pray before I proceed, respond, commit. All I know, for me, is the more I rely on my HP to direct/guide me and set aside what I 'want', the better things are/go. On a funny note, I'm becoming aware where I may have gotten 'some' of this --- when my parents were here over the holidays, my mother kept asking me what so-so is doing, thinking, etc. I said, kindly many times and finally with a bit more snip that I've learned to not ask questions of others that don't directly affect me as I don't want to be viewed as nosey or controlling!!!
It's been a long day for me - I was up very early, did my routine and then went to keep my friend company at the hospital for the morning. I left there and headed to golf - getting home around dinner time. I packed a lunch to eat in-between as well as layers as it was not super warm out today! But - both parts of my day were full of laughter, tears, fellowship, stories, etc. I am grateful to be home now - relaxing and in for the night! (((Hugs))) to all!