Holiday with Family and AH - crawling back to this group for sustenance
Fedora said
Jan 4, 2020
Hello everyone. First, happy new year and holiday wishes to you all. Even though I don't know you in person, there are quite a few of you who have provided me with so much hope, encouragement, and understanding, I feel like I need to start with how grateful I am that I found this place.
I am being severely tested in my recovery efforts. I knew the holidays would be tough but man, it was like an olympic obstacle course. One never knows when the alcoholic's mood is going to darken, their drunkness start to show, or when they're going to just pass out and ruin our plans. I had started the holiday thinking that I was done making excuses and covering for him, but the minute I saw these relatives who we see only rarely, and especially the little kids, I just kicked into high coverage mode. Like, Peyton Manning wishes he had a defensive line like me.
I am so tired and depressed. So I came back to my office so I could type without distraction. Back to step one, quite literally. Unmanageable life: insert selfie. Step two: this is hard for me. I just read something where someone said "another way to describe God: not me". I thought that was interesting and am chewing on that. Am having LOTS of difficulty with the Christian God model. Ironically, AH identifies as a southern baptist and wants to tell me about Grace all the time. The last time we talked I told him that "here's your grace for the day. I haven't called a divorce lawyer yet. Merry christmas." Apparently that doesn't qualify as a good exhibition of grace. I actually thought it did.
Anyway, I've got 1 hr before I promised my kid that I would take him to the park so I'm going to do two things on my "things To Do" list so I can feel like this day has some positive aspect to it.
thanks for listening.
Iamhere said
Jan 4, 2020
Hey Fedora - love the way you wrote your share....I can say that humor has helped me tons in my life and continues to provide lightness when things are less than. Holidays are difficult for many, and alcoholism just magnifies that. I am grateful that they are past me now and I can regroup and return to my routines. If it helps, in my entire life, I've never met anyone with a perfect family and a perfect holiday! I am now convinced that really only happens in the movies!
Anytime I find myself less than thrilled with my own actions, I am reminded that I am an imperfect person, doing the best I can, in the moment. Life is much easier when I get to limit my exposure to insanity, disease, etc. Unfortunately, that's not the way my life works, especially for the holiday period. I do what I can to be authentic, stay present, prayer and open to what I can learn. I am also reminded often that our recovery is about progress and not perfection and I can return to Step One anytime for any reason!
I struggled with the word and concept God when I first began, simply because I was raised with organized religion and had stepped away many moons ago. What I heard that really helped me not get hung up was consider that word, God, as Good Orderly Direction. That phrase really helped me to keep moving forward in my efforts. I am also a big advocate of Keeping Things as Simple as I can, and really living One Day at a Time. I get myself into the most trouble when I project or future-trip or when I try to rewrite history.
I hear you and from where I stand, you've survived a difficult season and a difficult situation. That survival is huge! Asset lists and gratitude lists often help me think more clearly as I inventory events because even when my first impression is that it was horrid and I did not handle it well, I actually can find areas of success when I change my attitude/outlook.
Keep doing you, keep being open and accept that part of our powerlessness includes that we, as humans, are perfectly imperfect! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 4, 2020
(((((Fedora))))) Well, I am sure wishing you a more peaceful New Year, that's for sure!
I am also "revisiting" Step 1 as my Ex spent most of the holidays angry texting, or inappropriate texting me! I believe he is no longer working his program, and while that is none of my business, I still feel sorry for him, and can be triggered by what he texts me. Thus, back to understanding that I am Powerless over others!
I no longer use the word "God." It has negative connotations for me. But since I still believe in a power greater than myself, I chose another moniker. It works for me.
I hope you enjoyed the park with your son!
Wishing you peace,
&
Lyne said
Jan 5, 2020
Hi Fedora-I loved your attempt at Grace, but I can see why your A didnt care for it! January is a great time for Step 1, both here on the board and in my F2F. With all the progress I have made, and feeling happy much of the time, I do get caught up in old habits i.e. me having unrealistic expectations of my A. I am challenged every day and must focus on myself, try to detach with love, and live and let live. Me keeping my sanity is my goal. Keep coming back, Lyne
Freetime said
Jan 5, 2020
Fedora, I am glad you came back and shared. I can relate to difficult holidays and my unsuccessful attempts to prevent anything uncomfortable from happening.
I'm also a part of the Higher Power = "not me" club. When I first came to Al-Anon I was uncomfortable with the God references, but at the time I was so desperate that I couldn't afford to let that stand in my way. As I learned and experienced more, I came to see that there were a lot of "not me's" who were helping restore me to sanity: Al-Anon members, understanding friends, professionals, MIP (did you know you are part of my higher power?), etc. So for me the higher power is plural, and it is more of a "wider" than a "higher" power. It is what surrounds me that I can reach out (not reach up) to. Knowing that I have been helped in the past gives me comfort that I can be helped in the present and future if necessary. Anyway, that is working for me, and what other people call their higher power is their business, not mine.
I hope you had a great time at the park with your kid! Keep coming back.
Bo said
Jan 5, 2020
I am sorry you are going through this. Think about it this way. Step 1...don't focus on the unmanageable life, yes, admit it, but even more, accept it...so for Step 1...focus on ACCEPTANCE. Immerse yourself in it.
Step 2...being it's hard for you...try this...something or someone other than you, can and will help you. Your thinking, your actions, your reactions got you here...it is something or someone outside of you, bigger than you, other than you...that will get you out, will get you better.
And, when you are ready...Step 3...you can let go.
All the best.
Aloha said
Jan 6, 2020
Glad you're here, Fedora. You're right - one day at a time. Keep coming back.
Hello everyone. First, happy new year and holiday wishes to you all. Even though I don't know you in person, there are quite a few of you who have provided me with so much hope, encouragement, and understanding, I feel like I need to start with how grateful I am that I found this place.
I am being severely tested in my recovery efforts. I knew the holidays would be tough but man, it was like an olympic obstacle course. One never knows when the alcoholic's mood is going to darken, their drunkness start to show, or when they're going to just pass out and ruin our plans. I had started the holiday thinking that I was done making excuses and covering for him, but the minute I saw these relatives who we see only rarely, and especially the little kids, I just kicked into high coverage mode. Like, Peyton Manning wishes he had a defensive line like me.
I am so tired and depressed. So I came back to my office so I could type without distraction. Back to step one, quite literally. Unmanageable life: insert selfie. Step two: this is hard for me. I just read something where someone said "another way to describe God: not me". I thought that was interesting and am chewing on that. Am having LOTS of difficulty with the Christian God model. Ironically, AH identifies as a southern baptist and wants to tell me about Grace all the time. The last time we talked I told him that "here's your grace for the day. I haven't called a divorce lawyer yet. Merry christmas." Apparently that doesn't qualify as a good exhibition of grace. I actually thought it did.
Anyway, I've got 1 hr before I promised my kid that I would take him to the park so I'm going to do two things on my "things To Do" list so I can feel like this day has some positive aspect to it.
thanks for listening.
Anytime I find myself less than thrilled with my own actions, I am reminded that I am an imperfect person, doing the best I can, in the moment. Life is much easier when I get to limit my exposure to insanity, disease, etc. Unfortunately, that's not the way my life works, especially for the holiday period. I do what I can to be authentic, stay present, prayer and open to what I can learn. I am also reminded often that our recovery is about progress and not perfection and I can return to Step One anytime for any reason!
I struggled with the word and concept God when I first began, simply because I was raised with organized religion and had stepped away many moons ago. What I heard that really helped me not get hung up was consider that word, God, as Good Orderly Direction. That phrase really helped me to keep moving forward in my efforts. I am also a big advocate of Keeping Things as Simple as I can, and really living One Day at a Time. I get myself into the most trouble when I project or future-trip or when I try to rewrite history.
I hear you and from where I stand, you've survived a difficult season and a difficult situation. That survival is huge! Asset lists and gratitude lists often help me think more clearly as I inventory events because even when my first impression is that it was horrid and I did not handle it well, I actually can find areas of success when I change my attitude/outlook.
Keep doing you, keep being open and accept that part of our powerlessness includes that we, as humans, are perfectly imperfect! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
(((((Fedora)))))
& 
Well, I am sure wishing you a more peaceful New Year, that's for sure!
I am also "revisiting" Step 1 as my Ex spent most of the holidays angry texting, or inappropriate texting me! I believe he is no longer working his program, and while that is none of my business, I still feel sorry for him, and can be triggered by what he texts me. Thus, back to understanding that I am Powerless over others!
I no longer use the word "God." It has negative connotations for me. But since I still believe in a power greater than myself, I chose another moniker. It works for me.
I hope you enjoyed the park with your son!
Wishing you peace,
I'm also a part of the Higher Power = "not me" club. When I first came to Al-Anon I was uncomfortable with the God references, but at the time I was so desperate that I couldn't afford to let that stand in my way. As I learned and experienced more, I came to see that there were a lot of "not me's" who were helping restore me to sanity: Al-Anon members, understanding friends, professionals, MIP (did you know you are part of my higher power?), etc. So for me the higher power is plural, and it is more of a "wider" than a "higher" power. It is what surrounds me that I can reach out (not reach up) to. Knowing that I have been helped in the past gives me comfort that I can be helped in the present and future if necessary. Anyway, that is working for me, and what other people call their higher power is their business, not mine.
I hope you had a great time at the park with your kid! Keep coming back.
Step 2...being it's hard for you...try this...something or someone other than you, can and will help you. Your thinking, your actions, your reactions got you here...it is something or someone outside of you, bigger than you, other than you...that will get you out, will get you better.
And, when you are ready...Step 3...you can let go.
All the best.