Life is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am, every day, and I live a happy and healthy life, with an attitude of gratitude. I enjoy life, give back, go to some NJ Devils games, a couple of Giants games, I take cooking classes, travel, love my work, and so much more. I don't carry any anger and resentment toward my ex-wife, who I am happy to say is now clean and sober.
So life is wonderful. And then it happened. The slip. A relapse. I was driving home from a friend's house...an my SUV died. BANG!!! That's when it happened. My slip, my relapse is...my mind immediately goes to "the worst" (outcome/result) and and my mind starts racing, negativity and more negativity, it's the engine, it seized, it's the the transmission, my second car was just returned (lease ended), I was going to try and see how one car worked for me, and this happened! I own this car, I haven't owned a car in years (I always lease), I can't believe this, I am going to have to rent a car, the parts won't be available, and so on and so on and so on. At some point, it is an anxiety attack. Period.
I won't and don't analyze why. Too many people do that...and they don't get better! You can either cut bait or fish. I fish. However, without paralysis by analysis, or over-analyzing, I can say there is no reason for it. I can go out and buy another car tomorrow! I can rent a car for weeks if I had to! LOL. I can take Uber! LOL. There is no problem. In the overall, big picture, this is nothing! Yet, all of what I described happens! With 25 years plus in alanon, over 30 years of personal growth, advanced adult education, and similar type work, my knee jerk reaction is that it "shouldn't" happen. I should all over myself, LOL. I know, progress not perfection. But this type of event, this trigger, causes me to slip. It causes me to relapse. It's been suggested to me that it's a PTSD type of thing, and that certain things trigger it, and it happens -- anxiety, mind-racing, worry, and so on.
Talking about it helps. Not analyzing it to death, but just getting it out there. Saying it. You are only as sick as your secrets. That's why I always felt it was healthy to share -- to let it all out, to be open and honest, and get it out there. Time, helps as well. It's a slip, a relapse. It's short. It's brief. I get back to what I know -- the basics -- acceptance, surrender, and then I let it go.
I accept this reaction. I accept that this happens. I surrender to it, I feel it, I let it happen. I don't fight it and don't beat myself up. I feel it and let it occur and then I realize all the things I wrote...and in that, that's surrender. I surrender to it. And then, the miracle occurs. I can let it go. It almost happens automatically. It's almost innate. But after I surrender, completely, I then let it go.
Thank you.
hotrod said
Jan 2, 2020
((BO))) I too found myself reverting to my old tools when I encountered an unexpected medical crisis this season.
Your program is impressive and gratitude list lovely glad you brought your concerns here AS i appreciate your ESH
Bo said
Jan 2, 2020
Betty, OMG, yes, one of the triggers with me is medical care!!! My doctor recently found something -- minor, it was nothing -- and he sent me for a test. Between when he told me and the test, I was already updating my will, calling my trustee, I was counting myself as dying, etc., LOL!!!
BTW, it turns out to be acid reflux!!! LOL.
Aloha said
Jan 2, 2020
My biggest hurdle with being in Al-Anon is that I start to "should" all over myself when I exhibit my very human behaviors. I'm supposed to be more centered than this. Really? THAT set me off? I'm not using my tools good enough. I should have called my sponsor. I should know better. Should.. should... should...
I found that shoulding all over myself ultimately lead me into a deep and scary depression. Right in the middle of Al-Anon - where I kept assuming everything's supposed to come up roses, completely forgetting that Al-Anon doesn't remove all the problems from our lives, it just serves as a voluntary set of tools we can use if we want when life gives us the one-two sucker punch.
My sponsor has told me when I am disturbed there's something going on inside of me that's probably worth looking at. That suggestion isn't meant to be a tool to flay myself with, but, if I'm sick and tired of flying off the handle over ridiculous things, then maybe I should analyze what's going on and see if there might be some solutions to it.
Long story short, however, I need to remember to be gentle with myself. I'm not God so perfection is never in the cards. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood and it just is what it is. Al-Anon is there for me for when I'm ready to step out of the muck.
Bo said
Jan 2, 2020
Not a day goes by, where I am not overtly grateful and thankful, for my daughter and the fact that she's in my life.
DavidG said
Jan 2, 2020
((((((((((((((((((((((( Bo )))))))))))))))))))))
Bo said
Jan 2, 2020
Aloha, while medical situations are a trigger for me as well -- I guess I don't should all over myself, but immediately, in the moment, I do. I let that go pretty quickly. It's the anxiety which sticks around. No, I can't believe THAT set me off, LOL. I hear you. Agreed!!! I don't slide into a deep depression as I've never suffered from that, but I hear you. I get it.
Most people don't get that alanon does NOT remove or eliminate problems. The entire program is a track for us to follow that ALLOWS us to HANDLE and deal with some of these problems in a far better, more healthy way. For me, it helps me deal with and handle everything better! But, there's these few little hiccups that come along and BANG! There's my relapse, my slip. Yes, I've looked long and hard at myself. So has my sponsor, my coach, and others. But there's nothing there except the quasi-PTSD kind of thing. You are right, and I agree -- go gentle!!! Progress not perfection. Sometimes there's just a little nuance, a little idiosyncratic type of situation, and it's just a trigger. Whatever it is, it is a trigger and brings about a reaction.
So, I have to focus on making progress -- not having my mind race miles ahead in negativity. Progress will be less distance, less time, quicker normal and healthy thinking. Progress will be the anxiety only lasts for minutes and not 30 minutes. Progress will be no multiple thoughts of worst case, and catching myself, accepting, surrendering and then letting go!
Thanks all.
Bo said
Jan 2, 2020
Ironically, in the moment, when the anxiety starts -- gratitude, my gratitude list, is not present. My mind is racing. Negativity. I am thinking and upset with worse-case scenarios, and they are not scenarios, they are what the outcome will be!
That said, not a day goes by where I am not grateful and thankful, and consider myself the luckiest man in the world...for having my daughter in my life.
More focus on that...and...acceptance, surrender, and let go.
Step One.
Those three actions apply to everything. Try it. It works if you work it.
Bo said
Jan 2, 2020
Go gentle unto yourself. Gentle. Be gentle. Especially on yourself.
I am too hard on myself at times. I often think -- 25 years plus in, I shouldn't be reacting like this. Bang! There's the self-criticism.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 3, 2020
Bo, thank you for sharing exactly how your "slip" felt. I think it can help many people who come to this site. Even those who are "long-timers" benefit, as evidenced by Betty's share. I know that it was hard for me to grasp the concept of what my "slip" would be when I first began my Al-Anon journey. Now I know that like Aloha and you, I do "love" to "should" myself to death!!! I tend to not blame others, but to put ALL the blame on myself. The self-criticism is hard to shake sometimes.
I had a saying that I think I learned from my father's behavior as I was growing up: "I tend to think the worst-case scenarios, that way when the worst happens, I will be prepared. If the best happens, then I am pleasantly surprised." I truly never understood how self-limiting this way of thinking was!!
The way I have begun to deal with my mind turning things immediately to the "worst-case scenario" is I "Grey Rock" myself! LOL! I found that technique to be effective when I was still living with a drunk spouse. Now I turn it inward when something happens and my mind wants to race. It helps me to Practice the Pause!
I too, loved your gratitude list!
Thanks again for sharing!
&
Temple said
Jan 3, 2020
Bo--
Thank you for sharing that. How you got there, and how you got through it.
If ever that all happens again, and at a inconvenient time, perhaps, I have read about a centering technique to allay the worst of the anxiety. Not saying you needed it--but here it is if in future you find yourself in a similar situation and Now Just Isn't the Time. It is--
Name five things you see.
Name five sounds you hear.
Name five sensory sensations you can feel.
Taste and smell aren't as easy to come up with five things, but that's the idea.
Helps to get one back in the body, the moment, to calm down a bit and stop awfulizing.
On the other hand, one of my Woo-Woo friends, when her mind would take her hostage, would purposely awfulize. In her case, she was going to wind up a bag lady, with a shopping cart, on a cold winter night, having fallen into a ditch, with passing cars splashing icy water on her. Finally she would start to laugh at the ridiculousness of the story she had come up with.
You're creative--I'm sure you could have run all that about the car to a lugubrious conclusion.
Again, thank you. It helps when those with lots of years and practice can tell us, this is what happened and this is how I handled it--sometimes after a moment or two when I got overtaken.
Blessings,
Temple
Bo said
Jan 3, 2020
Temple, thank you so very much!!! So, I actually posted what you suggested here! In the past, on another thread. I think it was here, LOL. On a thread that spoke about anxiety. Anyway, thank you very much for reminding me!!! That is such a valuable tool and I've forgotten about it!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Centering, or as some people call it, grounding, absolutely, positively works!!! Thank you!!!
Bo said
Jan 5, 2020
PandP...you are very welcome. For me, I wasn't trained that way. I was brought up and trained differently. I was always part of the solution, not part of the problem. I was always looking at ways to accomplish, succeed, positive outcomes, etc. I was successful at an early age, in a variety of ways, and even when I had setbacks, problems, whatever you want to call it -- I dug down deep and worked it out.
My marriage/divorce changed me, my thinking, my mindset, etc. Kind of like the PTSD thing. One byproduct, a residual, of what I went through was a few very specific triggers...and my mind thinks the worst. But, I...accept, surrender, and let go. I am now addressing these incidents, in a very positive, constructive way...both with my coach, and therapist. I have mental exercises I do, tracks to follow, and I am making progress!!! And I am happy about that. Very much so.
Life is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am, every day, and I live a happy and healthy life, with an attitude of gratitude. I enjoy life, give back, go to some NJ Devils games, a couple of Giants games, I take cooking classes, travel, love my work, and so much more. I don't carry any anger and resentment toward my ex-wife, who I am happy to say is now clean and sober.
So life is wonderful. And then it happened. The slip. A relapse. I was driving home from a friend's house...an my SUV died. BANG!!! That's when it happened. My slip, my relapse is...my mind immediately goes to "the worst" (outcome/result) and and my mind starts racing, negativity and more negativity, it's the engine, it seized, it's the the transmission, my second car was just returned (lease ended), I was going to try and see how one car worked for me, and this happened! I own this car, I haven't owned a car in years (I always lease), I can't believe this, I am going to have to rent a car, the parts won't be available, and so on and so on and so on. At some point, it is an anxiety attack. Period.
I won't and don't analyze why. Too many people do that...and they don't get better! You can either cut bait or fish. I fish. However, without paralysis by analysis, or over-analyzing, I can say there is no reason for it. I can go out and buy another car tomorrow! I can rent a car for weeks if I had to! LOL. I can take Uber! LOL. There is no problem. In the overall, big picture, this is nothing! Yet, all of what I described happens! With 25 years plus in alanon, over 30 years of personal growth, advanced adult education, and similar type work, my knee jerk reaction is that it "shouldn't" happen. I should all over myself, LOL. I know, progress not perfection. But this type of event, this trigger, causes me to slip. It causes me to relapse. It's been suggested to me that it's a PTSD type of thing, and that certain things trigger it, and it happens -- anxiety, mind-racing, worry, and so on.
Talking about it helps. Not analyzing it to death, but just getting it out there. Saying it. You are only as sick as your secrets. That's why I always felt it was healthy to share -- to let it all out, to be open and honest, and get it out there. Time, helps as well. It's a slip, a relapse. It's short. It's brief. I get back to what I know -- the basics -- acceptance, surrender, and then I let it go.
I accept this reaction. I accept that this happens. I surrender to it, I feel it, I let it happen. I don't fight it and don't beat myself up. I feel it and let it occur and then I realize all the things I wrote...and in that, that's surrender. I surrender to it. And then, the miracle occurs. I can let it go. It almost happens automatically. It's almost innate. But after I surrender, completely, I then let it go.
Thank you.
Your program is impressive and gratitude list lovely glad you brought your concerns here AS i appreciate your ESH
BTW, it turns out to be acid reflux!!! LOL.
I found that shoulding all over myself ultimately lead me into a deep and scary depression. Right in the middle of Al-Anon - where I kept assuming everything's supposed to come up roses, completely forgetting that Al-Anon doesn't remove all the problems from our lives, it just serves as a voluntary set of tools we can use if we want when life gives us the one-two sucker punch.
My sponsor has told me when I am disturbed there's something going on inside of me that's probably worth looking at. That suggestion isn't meant to be a tool to flay myself with, but, if I'm sick and tired of flying off the handle over ridiculous things, then maybe I should analyze what's going on and see if there might be some solutions to it.
Long story short, however, I need to remember to be gentle with myself. I'm not God so perfection is never in the cards. Sometimes I'm in a bad mood and it just is what it is. Al-Anon is there for me for when I'm ready to step out of the muck.
((((((((((((((((((((((( Bo )))))))))))))))))))))
Aloha, while medical situations are a trigger for me as well -- I guess I don't should all over myself, but immediately, in the moment, I do. I let that go pretty quickly. It's the anxiety which sticks around. No, I can't believe THAT set me off, LOL. I hear you. Agreed!!! I don't slide into a deep depression as I've never suffered from that, but I hear you. I get it.
Most people don't get that alanon does NOT remove or eliminate problems. The entire program is a track for us to follow that ALLOWS us to HANDLE and deal with some of these problems in a far better, more healthy way. For me, it helps me deal with and handle everything better! But, there's these few little hiccups that come along and BANG! There's my relapse, my slip. Yes, I've looked long and hard at myself. So has my sponsor, my coach, and others. But there's nothing there except the quasi-PTSD kind of thing. You are right, and I agree -- go gentle!!! Progress not perfection. Sometimes there's just a little nuance, a little idiosyncratic type of situation, and it's just a trigger. Whatever it is, it is a trigger and brings about a reaction.
So, I have to focus on making progress -- not having my mind race miles ahead in negativity. Progress will be less distance, less time, quicker normal and healthy thinking. Progress will be the anxiety only lasts for minutes and not 30 minutes. Progress will be no multiple thoughts of worst case, and catching myself, accepting, surrendering and then letting go!
Thanks all.
That said, not a day goes by where I am not grateful and thankful, and consider myself the luckiest man in the world...for having my daughter in my life.
More focus on that...and...acceptance, surrender, and let go.
Step One.
Those three actions apply to everything. Try it. It works if you work it.
I am too hard on myself at times. I often think -- 25 years plus in, I shouldn't be reacting like this. Bang! There's the self-criticism.
Bo, thank you for sharing exactly how your "slip" felt. I think it can help many people who come to this site. Even those who are "long-timers" benefit, as evidenced by Betty's share. I know that it was hard for me to grasp the concept of what my "slip" would be when I first began my Al-Anon journey.
Now I know that like Aloha and you, I do "love" to "should" myself to death!!! I tend to not blame others, but to put ALL the blame on myself. The self-criticism is hard to shake sometimes.
I had a saying that I think I learned from my father's behavior as I was growing up: "I tend to think the worst-case scenarios, that way when the worst happens, I will be prepared. If the best happens, then I am pleasantly surprised." I truly never understood how self-limiting this way of thinking was!!
The way I have begun to deal with my mind turning things immediately to the "worst-case scenario" is I "Grey Rock" myself! LOL! I found that technique to be effective when I was still living with a drunk spouse. Now I turn it inward when something happens and my mind wants to race. It helps me to Practice the Pause!
I too, loved your gratitude list!
Thanks again for sharing!
Thank you for sharing that. How you got there, and how you got through it.
If ever that all happens again, and at a inconvenient time, perhaps, I have read about a centering technique to allay the worst of the anxiety. Not saying you needed it--but here it is if in future you find yourself in a similar situation and Now Just Isn't the Time. It is--
Name five things you see.
Name five sounds you hear.
Name five sensory sensations you can feel.
Taste and smell aren't as easy to come up with five things, but that's the idea.
Helps to get one back in the body, the moment, to calm down a bit and stop awfulizing.
On the other hand, one of my Woo-Woo friends, when her mind would take her hostage, would purposely awfulize. In her case, she was going to wind up a bag lady, with a shopping cart, on a cold winter night, having fallen into a ditch, with passing cars splashing icy water on her. Finally she would start to laugh at the ridiculousness of the story she had come up with.
You're creative--I'm sure you could have run all that about the car to a lugubrious conclusion.
Again, thank you. It helps when those with lots of years and practice can tell us, this is what happened and this is how I handled it--sometimes after a moment or two when I got overtaken.
Blessings,
Temple
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Centering, or as some people call it, grounding, absolutely, positively works!!! Thank you!!!
My marriage/divorce changed me, my thinking, my mindset, etc. Kind of like the PTSD thing. One byproduct, a residual, of what I went through was a few very specific triggers...and my mind thinks the worst. But, I...accept, surrender, and let go. I am now addressing these incidents, in a very positive, constructive way...both with my coach, and therapist. I have mental exercises I do, tracks to follow, and I am making progress!!! And I am happy about that. Very much so.
Thanks.