Hi. Trying to make some friends here
My boyfriend abuse is escalating.
I don't have the strength to call the police
Yet. He has a warrent. Easy right.
No. Anyway I'm in shock after more
Of his yelling,and leaveing me ofcoarse.
My worst trigger. He is totally heartless
When he is like this. Really needing support. Thank you,Becky
Freetime said
Dec 21, 2019
Becky, I would urge you to contact a domestic abuse hotline such as 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and get some ideas for what you can do. No one deserves to be afraid in their home.
Freetime said
Dec 21, 2019
Also here are some words from our book How Al-Anon Works:
Al-Anon's gentle process unfolds gradually over time. But those of us facing potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbor or friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency.
It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all -- only how to get out of harm's way until this process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choice for ourselves that we can live with.
Iamhere said
Dec 21, 2019
Welcome to MIP Becky - glad you found us and reached out. Al-Anon suggests we don't give advice, but instead offer Experience, Strength and Hope. The exception is abusive situations and we do advise any member who may be in danger to seek any/all assistance from local resources. I truly understand the stress of consequences related to calling the police - I've been there, put it off, and then had to do it. This resulted from escalation because of no consequences.
There are more resources that just the police in most communities. We don't know what's available until we look and I agree that looking now might give you alternatives if/when needed.
Take good care of you and work to keep you safe. We all deserve a safe, peaceful place to call home; what you're wanting is not unreasonable! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
Bo said
Dec 22, 2019
Beckon2 wrote:
Hi. Trying to make some friends here My boyfriend abuse is escalating. I don't have the strength to call the police Yet. He has a warrent. Easy right. No. Anyway I'm in shock after more Of his yelling,and leaveing me ofcoarse. My worst trigger. He is totally heartless When he is like this. Really needing support. Thank you,Becky
Abuse, like alcoholism and drug use, is progressive. They all get worse. We can make excuses why they will not, but they do. They are progressive, insidious, and decimating. That said...BE SAFE!!! You CANNOT allow yourself to be abused, victimized, or harmed, whether physically, verbally, or mentally. You are suffering from battered wife syndrome. Someone is abusing you and you don't want to protect yourself because you are afraid of him leaving you. You don't see it or understand it but the best thing that can happen is for you to not be with him!!! Next to him leaving, the best thing that can happen is for you to leave him!!! Do for you. Focus on you. Make change and do what is best for you. He is sick and you are a victim.
I wish you all the best.
hotrod said
Dec 23, 2019
cky0 welcome I found that I can always leave the house when the going gets bad
Aloha said
Dec 23, 2019
You are a beautiful person and you deserve to feel safe. When you are ready, I hope you contact the phone number supplied earlier in this thread.
Where I live, one of the conflicts many seasoned people have is when a newcomer comes to a meeting and is in a very bad situation, abuse situation, or something of the like. I am sure this happens everywhere by the way. Last week a young girl came to a meeting. She is my daughter's age. 24 years old. She's been with a guy for a year. He's a heroin addict. He's stealing, lying, his life is in turmoil, and of course so is her life. She's telling the horror story of the chaos and turmoil in their lives. She says she wants to leave...but...she loves him, she thinks he's the one, if he was only clean and sober, they have such a connection, and so on and so on and so on.
Anyone who says they don't want to grab this girl by the shoulders and say "RUN, RUN AWAY, NOW, AS FAST AS YOU CAN" -- is lying. Now, I know we don't do that. I will speak for me. I want to. Perhaps I might like to. But I don't. We always say we don't give advice. But if your house is burning down and you don't know it...the humanistic part of me wants to tell you, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE" so to speak.
We don't give advice. I get it. I get why. I don't.
But, when abuse is present. I don't care what anyone says...ALL BETS ARE OFF.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Maresie888 said
Dec 24, 2019
I was in an abusive relationship with the ex A when I.came in this program. I became at certain points suicidal
I didn't actually find it that helpful for people to be telling me what I should do. .
I still do not
So there are reasons we do not give advice
This group held ne through the hard reality of that relationship. I was in a deep depression
Eventually of course I did leave the now ex A bit it wasn't because anyone advised be to.
I left because this group he kn d me through all those infinite text steps
All those tiny tiny steps out of the door.
I still find it very difficult when people say why dint you when I.am in a double bind
Running from an abusive relationship is a tremendously complicated task
The sicial.services are not there to help.victims
Shelters are very complicated sometimes chaotic places
Whatever seems straightforward is not that straight forward
Bo said
Dec 24, 2019
I don't think it's about "telling" someone "what to do" -- and my portrayal was more one of semantics, when in fact it was a concept I was trying to get across. I was also not making the case that alanon should be a program where people give advice. I do not believe that. On that note, this is not an approved alanon forum, so I find it ironic that there can be a pick and choose selectively type of mentality.
That said, the one statement I will stand by is that if someone is being physically abused...they should leave so they can be safe. They should call the police. They should do whatever they need to do to make sure they are not harmed or hurt and that they are safe.
Maresie888 said
Dec 24, 2019
I dont have a pick.and choose.mentality. My experience strength and hope was and still is that people #shoulding# me was not that helpful
I have to say I would like to #should# people but these days I hold back
There is no one sure way to deal with someone in an abusive relationship
There are complex dynamics at play
The one thing I do know is that al.anin was and still is enormously helpful to me
My experience strength and hope us value so is yours
There is no #right# way to approach that subject. This is not a rule bound community
I am sorry you feel that way about someone's experience strength and hope.
I will always be grateful to this group for helping me through that time
I am grateful for this program every day
Maresie
Bo said
Dec 24, 2019
I am not sitting in judgment of or even speaking to anyone's experience, strength or hope. I have no idea how or why you would tie that into anything I said. You can feel sorry what you think I feel -- and ironically that's not what I feel or said.
What I said is what I said. If someone is being abused, all bets are off. If someone is being abused, they should do whatever they can to be safe. I stand by it. You can call that whatever you like.
I didn't put any words in your mouth, claim you said anything, or judge anything you said. I spoke my own words, and attempted to clarify what I said. I now see that's an exercise in futility.
There is absolutely a pick and choose selectivity type of mentality here in this forum...and I respectfully request you again read what I wrote about that...because...I didn't say it was you!
That said, we can agree to disagree. I am done.
Maresie888 said
Dec 24, 2019
I agree to.disagree.
canadianguy said
Jan 2, 2020
Hi Becky... First of all, hugs, and kudos to you for having the courage to post here.
I am wary of anyone "shoulding" anyone else on here, as we really don't have enough info/facts aside from what you briefly told us.
I would encourage you to know & understand your options, and also encourage you to remind yourself that you ARE worthy of being treated respectfully.
I wish you peace, and please keep coming back
Tom
JerryF said
Jan 2, 2020
Thanks Tom for that ESH.
Becky welcome to the board, glad you made it. I am a former abuser whos most serious character defect was insanity, rage loss of control when the rage and insanity were activated. On one occasion I almost killed my alcoholic addict when she was under the influence.
I had to learn...a lot only one thing was that adrenalin during raging was as if I was myself drunk and or high. I could not believe the evidence the morning after when I looked at her face...and I "loved" her. She was not my only victim there were others from children to adults. I did not understand myself, my emotions, my thoughts, my reactions. You might have become one of my victims had I not arrived in Al-Anon with the presence of a Higher, Higher, Higher Power and It's deputies.
Today I can and will apologies to everyone who has suffered physical abuse of any kind. I will thank and support every and any victim who took and takes a stand against violence, mine or anyone else.
I apologize for your fear and pain....((((hugs))))
Bo said
Jan 2, 2020
Freetime wrote:
Also here are some words from our book How Al-Anon Works:
Al-Anon's gentle process unfolds gradually over time. But those of us facing potentially life-threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbor or friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency.
It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all -- only how to get out of harm's way until this process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choice for ourselves that we can live with.
Conference approved, official Al-Anon literature...now there's an idea! LOL.
All the best to the original poster...
Happiness and and health to all...Happy New Year.
Maresie888 said
Jan 5, 2020
I.can certainly empathize with feeling powerless in an abusive relationship
One of the things I did was to lean on others. When I felt desperate I talked to others in the chat room
Whatever steps you take to move through this relationship are what us right for you when you leave, if you have how you or if you stay is up to you. No one can dictate that to you
I have most certainky been there and I do not have the roadmap of what to do when and how
Getting help requires a lot of courage
Speaking out even in an anonymous forum takes courage you have that. That us the a huge step.
At the same tine when you are depressed it is hard to take steps every day to make your life better
Only you know what your limits are
I have more limits these days but they were hard won and I struggle with limits every day in many navy ways
You are not alone in your struggle. You are not alone in your feelings and you are not alone in your situation. This board is a place miracles happen. People heal here m
You are welcome here nk matter what your situation is and the people here will meet you where you are.
Maresie
milkwood said
Jan 21, 2020
Hi Becky,
I haven't been on these wonderful boards for a while but when I saw your post this morning I was reminded of my first visit, many years ago, and how the warmth and understanding that I received first of all reduced me to healthy tears and sobs and then, over time, helped me to figure out what felt right for me.
I came here exhausted and at my wits end. I was tired, and tired of being scared of doing the wrong thing. I was scared of what might happen next. It took more guts than I had at the time to admit that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship... because that thought changed my perception of who I was. After all, girls who grew up reading Cosmopolitan never ended up in that situation did they??!! More fool me!
I admire your courage and salute the determination it takes for any of us to make our first steps towards self care and a better way of being. It is tough, and the best way for me turned out to be about making my own choices and definitely going at my own peaceful pace...
For me, starting to get better became a question of small little steps. My first step was to paint my nails - I hadn't taken care of them for ages and they used to be quite nice! I did this every few days for a month or so, treating myself to a new colour every now and then. Other than that, I was still acting like Cinderella (not good for the nails btw ! ) Then I started thinking about things that I had enjoyed when I was young and I tried to figure out a few things that I could start doing again in my current situation. I started to learn how to create my own fun - who knew!
As others have said above, I also put in place a few things that might make it easier for me if I ever needed to make a quick getaway from my home but whilst doing this I also figured that 'it takes two to tango' and I resolved not to respond to insults even if they were being hurled my way. Instead I put in place my own 'equal and opposite' plan of action... for every negative insult I would gift myself something of equal but more positive power. One day when my husband was shouting at me really horribly I remember this thought going through my mind.. 'oh boy, this has got to be worth a tropical holiday'! I think that thought must have shown on my face because my husband stopped in his tracks, huffed and stomped away. He has never shouted at me since (until last night, which is why I've come back here to read and remind myself of who I really am. So many good lessons on these pages. )
Oh, the other thing you talk about that resonated loudly for me is the trigger of 'him leaving'... that hook kept me dangling for years (probably still does a bit). I had to think about why that was such a strong pull for me, what was I scared of? Again, in my circumstances, this took me back to my childhood and memories of hearing my mother shouting at my father and then my father living away from home for years... I had felt abandoned and unworthy I guess, and as a child I certainly didn't know how to cope with all that. These were painful memories to go back over, but they turned out to be helpful, because now I'm an adult, verging on old really, I have figured out that it is time for me to start taking good care of myself as well as of others.
I realise that your message is a month old already so I hope you don't mind my chipping in after all this time. I hope you keep coming back - these boards have helped me enormously - and often in ways that I never imagined. ((((((Hugs))))))
Also here are some words from our book How Al-Anon Works:
There are more resources that just the police in most communities. We don't know what's available until we look and I agree that looking now might give you alternatives if/when needed.
Take good care of you and work to keep you safe. We all deserve a safe, peaceful place to call home; what you're wanting is not unreasonable! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
Abuse, like alcoholism and drug use, is progressive. They all get worse. We can make excuses why they will not, but they do. They are progressive, insidious, and decimating. That said...BE SAFE!!! You CANNOT allow yourself to be abused, victimized, or harmed, whether physically, verbally, or mentally. You are suffering from battered wife syndrome. Someone is abusing you and you don't want to protect yourself because you are afraid of him leaving you. You don't see it or understand it but the best thing that can happen is for you to not be with him!!! Next to him leaving, the best thing that can happen is for you to leave him!!! Do for you. Focus on you. Make change and do what is best for you. He is sick and you are a victim.
I wish you all the best.
cky0 welcome I found that I can always leave the house when the going gets bad
You are a beautiful person and you deserve to feel safe. When you are ready, I hope you contact the phone number supplied earlier in this thread.
https://www.thehotline.org/
Anyone who says they don't want to grab this girl by the shoulders and say "RUN, RUN AWAY, NOW, AS FAST AS YOU CAN" -- is lying. Now, I know we don't do that. I will speak for me. I want to. Perhaps I might like to. But I don't. We always say we don't give advice. But if your house is burning down and you don't know it...the humanistic part of me wants to tell you, "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE" so to speak.
We don't give advice. I get it. I get why. I don't.
But, when abuse is present. I don't care what anyone says...ALL BETS ARE OFF.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
That said, the one statement I will stand by is that if someone is being physically abused...they should leave so they can be safe. They should call the police. They should do whatever they need to do to make sure they are not harmed or hurt and that they are safe.
What I said is what I said. If someone is being abused, all bets are off. If someone is being abused, they should do whatever they can to be safe. I stand by it. You can call that whatever you like.
I didn't put any words in your mouth, claim you said anything, or judge anything you said. I spoke my own words, and attempted to clarify what I said. I now see that's an exercise in futility.
There is absolutely a pick and choose selectivity type of mentality here in this forum...and I respectfully request you again read what I wrote about that...because...I didn't say it was you!
That said, we can agree to disagree. I am done.
Hi Becky... First of all, hugs, and kudos to you for having the courage to post here.
I am wary of anyone "shoulding" anyone else on here, as we really don't have enough info/facts aside from what you briefly told us.
I would encourage you to know & understand your options, and also encourage you to remind yourself that you ARE worthy of being treated respectfully.
I wish you peace, and please keep coming back
Tom
Thanks Tom for that ESH.
Becky welcome to the board, glad you made it. I am a former abuser whos most serious character defect was insanity, rage loss of control when the rage and insanity were activated. On one occasion I almost killed my alcoholic addict when she was under the influence.
I had to learn...a lot only one thing was that adrenalin during raging was as if I was myself drunk and or high. I could not believe the evidence the morning after when I looked at her face...and I "loved" her. She was not my only victim there were others from children to adults. I did not understand myself, my emotions, my thoughts, my reactions. You might have become one of my victims had I not arrived in Al-Anon with the presence of a Higher, Higher, Higher Power and It's deputies.
Today I can and will apologies to everyone who has suffered physical abuse of any kind. I will thank and support every and any victim who took and takes a stand against violence, mine or anyone else.
I apologize for your fear and pain....((((hugs))))
Conference approved, official Al-Anon literature...now there's an idea! LOL.
All the best to the original poster...
Happiness and and health to all...Happy New Year.
I haven't been on these wonderful boards for a while but when I saw your post this morning I was reminded of my first visit, many years ago, and how the warmth and understanding that I received first of all reduced me to healthy tears and sobs and then, over time, helped me to figure out what felt right for me.
I came here exhausted and at my wits end. I was tired, and tired of being scared of doing the wrong thing. I was scared of what might happen next. It took more guts than I had at the time to admit that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship... because that thought changed my perception of who I was. After all, girls who grew up reading Cosmopolitan never ended up in that situation did they??!! More fool me!
I admire your courage and salute the determination it takes for any of us to make our first steps towards self care and a better way of being. It is tough, and the best way for me turned out to be about making my own choices and definitely going at my own peaceful pace...
For me, starting to get better became a question of small little steps. My first step was to paint my nails - I hadn't taken care of them for ages and they used to be quite nice! I did this every few days for a month or so, treating myself to a new colour every now and then. Other than that, I was still acting like Cinderella (not good for the nails btw !
As others have said above, I also put in place a few things that might make it easier for me if I ever needed to make a quick getaway from my home but whilst doing this I also figured that 'it takes two to tango' and I resolved not to respond to insults even if they were being hurled my way. Instead I put in place my own 'equal and opposite' plan of action... for every negative insult I would gift myself something of equal but more positive power. One day when my husband was shouting at me really horribly I remember this thought going through my mind.. 'oh boy, this has got to be worth a tropical holiday'! I think that thought must have shown on my face because my husband stopped in his tracks, huffed and stomped away. He has never shouted at me since (until last night, which is why I've come back here to read and remind myself of who I really am. So many good lessons on these pages.
Oh, the other thing you talk about that resonated loudly for me is the trigger of 'him leaving'... that hook kept me dangling for years (probably still does a bit). I had to think about why that was such a strong pull for me, what was I scared of? Again, in my circumstances, this took me back to my childhood and memories of hearing my mother shouting at my father and then my father living away from home for years... I had felt abandoned and unworthy I guess, and as a child I certainly didn't know how to cope with all that. These were painful memories to go back over, but they turned out to be helpful, because now I'm an adult, verging on old really, I have figured out that it is time for me to start taking good care of myself as well as of others.
I realise that your message is a month old already so I hope you don't mind my chipping in after all this time. I hope you keep coming back - these boards have helped me enormously - and often in ways that I never imagined. ((((((Hugs))))))