Todays reading is about detachment, and what a difficult concept it can be, especially for those of us new to Alanon. As I was reading this page I was thinking that for those of us who have lived with and/or loved an alcoholic, this idea is difficult because so much of our energy has gone into the life and behavior of our A. Has he been drinking? Has he not been drinking? Did something upset him? What can I say or do that will change the situation? Any of us who have been through this cycle of thoughts knows how exhausting (and futile) they can be.
Thinking of detachment for our A as a loving gesture is helpful to me. When I detach with love I am no longer presuming that j know best or that I have any control over the situation. I am also being loving toward myself as all of that energy I had been spending on someone else can now go into self improvement. Many of the questions I had applied to my A can now be turned toward me. What can I say or do (to better myself?). I love the Thought for the Day which reminds us:
Changing myself is a permanent, full-time position that only I can fill.
If I remember that this applies to the As in my life (only they can change themselves), I will be living more peacefully.
I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday!
Mary
hotrod said
Dec 15, 2019
Hello Mary I agree detachment is indeed a powerful tool which at times can be challenging . i use prayer and a slogan to help me detach.
Thanks for your service.
Lyne said
Dec 15, 2019
Thanks for your service Mary and this reading applies to me today! My A is in a snit and although I have inquired as to her state of mind and physical well being, I receive no helpful information. She has begun AA meetings and today is the day she might go. Last week she was in a mood until she returned from her meeting, and she came home as a human being instead of the zombie-like stance she was in. Talk about challenging? OMG. ODAT. Detaching with love is my only choice today. I will be busy and enjoy my day, in spite of what the alcoholic is doing. Lyne
DavidG said
Dec 15, 2019
Mary, Betty, and Lyne... ...
Being listened to and believed has bin really important to me- and I get a lot of this here. ...
Monday morning- after a weekend away with grandkids... hmmm... I heard ~detachment talked about at my first meeting. This was the first Alanon meeting in our community, so I suppose i was a founding member. ...
Still getting my head around it really. I took up with Concept 4- "Participation of the key to harmony."
Firstly I thought i was out here on earth to create harmony all around me. And as a kid I was a proper goody-two-shoes. I did a lot of extra things for the No. 1 A. inner world. I never tried to change him really. I did manage to get him into a treatment centre for e week- when I was attending there as a family member. He said he wasn't an alcoholic- ah guess, because he wasn't sitting on a park bench, drinking port wine in a bottle still wrapped in the paper bag. Part of the reason for that was that I was able to keep him in his home until he died. And then I found out that he had disinherited me! And we were forced out of our own home!
But the harmony I achieved, from Alanon, was a personal internal harmony- which I believe is true detachment. Being in the world but not of the world. Being able to straddle spirit and matter.
I had good examples to follow- and still have!
Thanks. ...
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 15, 2019
Thank you Mary for being here every Sunday. A touchstone for me!
I think this is super important: "...this idea is difficult because so much of our energy has gone into the life and behavior of our A. Has he been drinking? Has he not been drinking? Did something upset him? What can I say or do that will change the situation? Any of us who have been through this cycle of thoughts knows how exhausting (and futile) they can be." (underline is my emphasis)
For so many years, I bent over backwards to find ways to change myself that would help change the situation. How could I be the "perfect" wife/partner? What form or manner should I adopt so that I would see a positive result? What can I do to mitigate harm to my child (emotional)? I never understood it was futile until I began my Al-Anon journey! I must admit, much of this was my Ego - thinking that I had some magical way to affect change on another adult being!
It is my experience that Detachment was a short-term solution... but I still use it, and not just with my qualifier!! Example: Today I use Loving Detachment with my parents who have significant health issues... it is their right to seek treatment (or not) that is right for them. It has not been easy... I am a little ashamed to say that I am still dependent on them after the divorce, but I am slowly working my way out of the dark tunnel, and the fear of losing them can be overwhelming at times. I know that as I get more financially independent, this fear will lessen. However, detachment helps me in the now.
It is a clear, blustery day here! No xmas shopping needed, but my tiny home needs some decluttering! I too, hope everyone enjoys what is left of their weekend!
Iamhere said
Dec 15, 2019
Happy Sunday MIP family! We have our first major snowstorm of the year and I don't know who's happier - my AH who's outside with the snow blower clearing the driveways and sidewalks or my sweet dog who's running around the backyard throwing snow in the air!! Both bring a smile to my face...
Detachment for me was golden...It took a ton of practice to understand what it really is and I still practice it often. Each day brings me opportunities to practice tools in this program, and detachment is one that's a daily. My youngest (25) had to work today and the snow started after he went to work. As a mom, I wonder(ed) if he even has a snow scraper and certainly have no idea of his ability (or lack of) to drive in the snow! I really, really, really wanted to text him and tell him to go slow, leave space, etc. and instead paused and prayed about it. While I would consider this loving concern, there's no doubt he'd see it as obsessive controlling so - I proceeded to let it go!
This time of year is all about detaching from the grumpy shoppers, the grumpy retail staff, the annoying family members, the aggressive drivers, etc. Before recovery (BR), all these could affect my mood and my serenity. Practicing Al-Anon has gifted me with knowing that nobody or nothing can affect my mood, attitude, etc. unless I allow it...freedom indeed!
On an off-topic note, it's Sunday and I always enjoy watching Joel Osteen before I head off to my meeting. Today's was good timing for me, called, "Keep Believing For Your Loved Ones"...it talks about having mercy instead of judgement for those who aren't 'there' yet... If interested, you can listen/watch here:
I am happily hibernating today - find and keep your joy all!
yanksfan51 said
Dec 15, 2019
One of the things I appreciate so much about the program is how so much of it can be applied in other aspects of our lives. I have been working on using detachment at my school-especially with the greatest behaviorally challenged kids.
I am grateful for the program and for all the support here!
Good morning Everyone-
Todays reading is about detachment, and what a difficult concept it can be, especially for those of us new to Alanon. As I was reading this page I was thinking that for those of us who have lived with and/or loved an alcoholic, this idea is difficult because so much of our energy has gone into the life and behavior of our A. Has he been drinking? Has he not been drinking? Did something upset him? What can I say or do that will change the situation? Any of us who have been through this cycle of thoughts knows how exhausting (and futile) they can be.
Thinking of detachment for our A as a loving gesture is helpful to me. When I detach with love I am no longer presuming that j know best or that I have any control over the situation. I am also being loving toward myself as all of that energy I had been spending on someone else can now go into self improvement. Many of the questions I had applied to my A can now be turned toward me. What can I say or do (to better myself?). I love the Thought for the Day which reminds us:
Changing myself is a permanent, full-time position that only I can fill.
If I remember that this applies to the As in my life (only they can change themselves), I will be living more peacefully.
I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday!
Mary
Thanks for your service.
Being listened to and believed has bin really important to me- and I get a lot of this here.
...
Monday morning- after a weekend away with grandkids... hmmm... I heard ~detachment talked about at my first meeting. This was the first Alanon meeting in our community, so I suppose i was a founding member.
...
Still getting my head around it really. I took up with Concept 4- "Participation of the key to harmony."
Firstly I thought i was out here on earth to create harmony all around me. And as a kid I was a proper goody-two-shoes. I did a lot of extra things for the No. 1 A. inner world. I never tried to change him really. I did manage to get him into a treatment centre for e week- when I was attending there as a family member. He said he wasn't an alcoholic- ah guess, because he wasn't sitting on a park bench, drinking port wine in a bottle still wrapped in the paper bag. Part of the reason for that was that I was able to keep him in his home until he died. And then I found out that he had disinherited me! And we were forced out of our own home!
But the harmony I achieved, from Alanon, was a personal internal harmony- which I believe is true detachment. Being in the world but not of the world. Being able to straddle spirit and matter.
I had good examples to follow- and still have!
Thanks.
...
Thank you Mary for being here every Sunday. A touchstone for me!
I think this is super important: "...this idea is difficult because so much of our energy has gone into the life and behavior of our A. Has he been drinking? Has he not been drinking? Did something upset him? What can I say or do that will change the situation? Any of us who have been through this cycle of thoughts knows how exhausting (and futile) they can be." (underline is my emphasis)
For so many years, I bent over backwards to find ways to change myself that would help change the situation. How could I be the "perfect" wife/partner? What form or manner should I adopt so that I would see a positive result? What can I do to mitigate harm to my child (emotional)? I never understood it was futile until I began my Al-Anon journey! I must admit, much of this was my Ego - thinking that I had some magical way to affect change on another adult being!
It is my experience that Detachment was a short-term solution... but I still use it, and not just with my qualifier!! Example: Today I use Loving Detachment with my parents who have significant health issues... it is their right to seek treatment (or not) that is right for them. It has not been easy... I am a little ashamed to say that I am still dependent on them after the divorce, but I am slowly working my way out of the dark tunnel, and the fear of losing them can be overwhelming at times. I know that as I get more financially independent, this fear will lessen. However, detachment helps me in the now.
It is a clear, blustery day here! No xmas shopping needed, but my tiny home needs some decluttering! I too, hope everyone enjoys what is left of their weekend!
Happy Sunday MIP family! We have our first major snowstorm of the year and I don't know who's happier - my AH who's outside with the snow blower clearing the driveways and sidewalks or my sweet dog who's running around the backyard throwing snow in the air!! Both bring a smile to my face...
Detachment for me was golden...It took a ton of practice to understand what it really is and I still practice it often. Each day brings me opportunities to practice tools in this program, and detachment is one that's a daily. My youngest (25) had to work today and the snow started after he went to work. As a mom, I wonder(ed) if he even has a snow scraper and certainly have no idea of his ability (or lack of) to drive in the snow! I really, really, really wanted to text him and tell him to go slow, leave space, etc. and instead paused and prayed about it. While I would consider this loving concern, there's no doubt he'd see it as obsessive controlling so - I proceeded to let it go!
This time of year is all about detaching from the grumpy shoppers, the grumpy retail staff, the annoying family members, the aggressive drivers, etc. Before recovery (BR), all these could affect my mood and my serenity. Practicing Al-Anon has gifted me with knowing that nobody or nothing can affect my mood, attitude, etc. unless I allow it...freedom indeed!
On an off-topic note, it's Sunday and I always enjoy watching Joel Osteen before I head off to my meeting. Today's was good timing for me, called, "Keep Believing For Your Loved Ones"...it talks about having mercy instead of judgement for those who aren't 'there' yet... If interested, you can listen/watch here:
I am happily hibernating today - find and keep your joy all!
One of the things I appreciate so much about the program is how so much of it can be applied in other aspects of our lives. I have been working on using detachment at my school-especially with the greatest behaviorally challenged kids.
I am grateful for the program and for all the support here!
m