My husbands one year anniversary of his sobriety and I didnt make a big deal about. Hes upset but honestly I did not I was supposed to have cake. I did congrats him but for him it wasnt enough. I feel so bad. I guess I need to learn more about this journey and join a group to help me as he is private about his journey. Thanks for listening
Lyne said
Dec 14, 2019
two miracles-There is no "how to" book of rules on how to handle an alcoholic. Therefore there is no need to beat yourself up. Alanon would be a wonderful choice for yourself to heal and recover, and you will hear how others handle all these situations. Glad you found MIP so keep coming back! Lyne
tiredtonite said
Dec 14, 2019
Hi MyTwoMiracles,
Typically, sobriety of alcoholics is recognized in AA meetings by it's members and those alcoholics that are sponsoring others.
I'm sorry you are feeling that you've failed because you didn't get a cake. It isn't entirely clear to me from your post whether someone to pick up a cake and you simply forgot or thought you were obliged to recognize your husband's sobriety.
You certainly can do something like that if you like still. Another option would be that he could buy his own cake and share it with others as a celebration for all he now has.
I hope you won't be hard on yourself concerning this. It's great he's celebrating a milestone but he's lucky to have someone who loves him like you do. That will last long after the cake is eaten. ((hugs))) TT
2HP said
Dec 14, 2019
Here, it's common for a sponsor to get a cake, the home group or even the member celebrating since this is their personal victory, between them and Higher Power.
Al-anon meetings helped me to understand alcoholism and recognize the behaviors that often made me feel crazy (like his anger at you, for example. You didnt fail but he is by making his personal business YOURS.)
I hope that you find a home group for yourself and find a good sponsor. I remember the very first year I went, I told the group this was the best Christmas present ever. God bless!
DavidG said
Dec 14, 2019
MTM, drinkers often expect perfection from others... but struggle hard to reach a good average for themselves...
- part of what drives them, maybe? The stand-out answers is that we take care of ourselves- and they can make
choices around that! ...
Iamhere said
Dec 14, 2019
MyTwoMiracles - welcome to MIP....glad that you joined us and glad that you shared. Congratulations to your husband for his one year of sobriety! It is a huge, huge deal and a miracle in progress (the name of this community).
Alcoholism is a family disease that reached beyond the drinker to affect those who live with or love them. The disease is progressive, powerful and chronic. There is no real cure, yet it can be treated through recovery of some sort. AA is one recovery method for the A and Al-Anon is recovery for friends and family.
I am a double winner - meaning sober in AA and saner in Al-Anon. Each group celebrates annual birthdays in recovery a bit differently but there is usually some speaking, some celebration, a coin and cake/desert. In my world, the celebrants provide the cake(s) vs. the sponsor or the club - it's just done differently depending upon what the group conscious decides. In reality, if nobody asked you to get the cake, you would not know to do so! In other words, failing is when you just drop the ball completely or ignore being asked ... in this case, it sounds as if you just didn't know to do so!
I've learned in recovery that I don't have a crystal ball and can't read the minds of others. I no longer try to predict what another wants/needs, and instead ask with an open mind. I also no longer expect others to know what I want/need, and instead ask or tell them. I try to be balanced, fair, reasonable and serene/sane in my wants/needs. Recovery has helped me realize that I and all others are imperfect persons, doing our best, with different levels of needs/wants and I am only responsible for my own.
I also agree that Al-Anon would be helpful for you! You are not 'late' or 'behind' or anything else - we all get to arrive and work recovery at our own pace. Breathe and trust that you are a good, imperfect person and life happens! As a funny, my parents made a huge deal for my first year in sobriety. They do not understand the disease nor recovery, but they made a great effort. For the next 28 years, it was never mentioned! They happened to be in my car, and found my 30 year coin and then told me they were proud! I now send them a photo each year when I get a new coin just so they can be a small part of that part of my life. My brothers have never mentioned it, and it's not a big deal to me. I met and married my husband in AA, and he relapsed many years ago. He never remembers/mentions it either.
My point, most who work recovery let go of expectations, ego, etc. and are good if their home group is a part of 'it'...the first year is super special for most, but it's not ever too late to tell someone we love them and are proud of them!
Please keep coming back - you are not alone and again, congratulations to your husband!!! There is always hope and help in recovery!
hotrod said
Dec 14, 2019
WElcome You did not fail You remembered his sobriety day The group usually gets the cake so you did well
MyTwoMiracles said
Dec 14, 2019
Thank you for the warm welcomes and advice. From the day my husband as a broken man entered a program he has learned to be selfless. He was more humble and less angry. He learned to let things rolled down his back and I was very happy. There were days I would tell him how proud and happy. I wouldnt go into detail because he knew what I meant. My reasons were that if I mentioned to him his wrong doing with his new ways he may get sad or angry. I have post trauma per say of walking on eggshells with him so I choose my words wisely. My husband and I have been married for 33 yrs. we married right out of high school and have two beautiful teenagers.
The next day of his one year he said he couldnt hold back and needed to be selfish and express his feelings. He said that I didnt tell the kids about his one year and he had to and the kids were like it was just another day. They said congrats but went on their day. One thing is that hes private and would spare us with details of his meetings and his journey. He shared very little with the kids. He would tell me some things but not much. He would go to meetings 6 days a week and he said thats the only thing he feel we were supportive of but his one year we dismissed it and acted it was just another day. For the last 3 days he hasnt gone to a meeting. Last night was his home groups holiday gathering and he didnt attend. He committed to bring a dish and I went to the market and cooked the dish and took it to the place and excused him that he was under the weather. I want things to go back because the tension at home is not healthy and Im fearing the worse.
I want to look for a local group so I can join. Having a hard time finding one because AA comes up instead. Its important to me to understand and not walk on eggshells anymore when when things are going well because instead of being positive and hope for the best I feel the worse will come someday.
I want to thank you for opening your hearts to me and sharing your thoughts. I will come to pray and will add you guys in my prayers
Thank you
MyTwoMiracles said
Dec 14, 2019
@tired tonight. You said it wasnt clear if I failed to get a cake. No what I meant was I failed to make a big deal about his one year and he said I could have gotten a cake or anything at least to celebrate his one year. It could have been hand clapping with kids as he walked in through the door. Hope this help. Thx
MyTwoMiracles said
Dec 14, 2019
@tired tonight. You said it wasnt clear if I failed to get a cake. No what I meant was I failed to make a big deal about his one year and he said I could have gotten a cake or anything at least to celebrate his one year. It could have been hand clapping with kids as he walked in through the door. Hope this help. Thx
tiredtonite said
Dec 15, 2019
Thanks for the clarity MyTwoMiracles. I wanted to respond to your update and join others in suggesting in person Alanon meetings for support as a family member living with an alcoholic. The support of an Alanon group and sponsor can be so helpful for working through questions as to whether you are doing the right or wrong thing. Although we don't really advise others in Alanon about actions to take in their lives with alcoholics, the program steps and traditions help us to come to our own answers. Also the sharings in meetings and knowledge that others have been through similiar situations and found solutions can be a comfort. Alanon is our program to work and to practice just as AA is the alcoholics program to work and practice. I'm very grateful for Alanon because it's really helped me to learn what is and is not my responsibility. Alanon gives me recovery tools to use for responding to others and to life situations. The tools allow me to take thoughtful actions rather than haphazardly reacting to people and situations. I'm glad you found this board and hope you'll keep coming back to share recovery. ((hugs)) TT
Freetime said
Dec 15, 2019
Welcome, MyTwoMiracles! I am glad you are looking for an Al-Anon meeting to attend. It is so helpful to not face this alone. I don't know where you are located, but at this website al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/ you can find meetings around the world.
Aloha said
Dec 16, 2019
Welcome MTM - glad you're here.
Here is a link to Al-Anon's web site where you can find local meetings. There are also phone call meetings and online meetings. This message board isn't an officially recognized Al-Anon group, although many long-time members here do try to communicate on here as though it is a group.
I'm sorry you're feeling responsible for your husband's feelings. It's not very fair of him to put that responsibility on you, although I understand how he feels making one year is a tremendous milestone - it is. But one year in still means he's pretty fresh in his recovery in my eyes, and that means he still has lots of work to do, especially around emotional sobriety, which means at some point he'll start to understand that he's responsible for his own feelings and that if he wants a celebration, he needs to learn to ask.
I've had to do that very thing myself after being in Al-Anon for a while - learning that people are not mind-readers, nor am I supposed to be one, either. That means I had to start learning to ask if I felt I needed or wanted something (knowing no one is obligated to do as I ask!), or start to let it begin with me, and if I wanted a celebration, I'd invite friends, etc., instead of waiting around for someone to think of me and surprise me.
Your husband is upset because HE is upsetting himself. Not you. You are not that powerful.
If you honestly feel an apology is in order, then by all means, make an amends. Just remember that you are not the answer to all your AH's problems.
I hope you find some local face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. They are extremely helpful.
Bo said
Dec 16, 2019
MYM, I have a different perspective on this. I don't drill deep, analyze, review, etc., what and what the alcoholic says or does whatever it is they said or did. Period. There are many reasons why. Just one being...YOU cannot CHANGE anyone else. However, when you change the way you look at the people in your life...the people in your life begin to change. When you change the way you deal with the people in your life...the people in your life begin to change. Get it? They change...because YOU changed. They change in a very different way...because YOU changed.
Thus, my own perspective, and what alanon is in fact all about, and what you won't hear from people in both AA and alanon, and you won't hear here (this isn't a conference approved, official, alanon forum)...alanon is about YOU. It is about focusing on YOU, making change in and about YOU, it is about YOUR thinking, your behavior, your actions and reactions, your mindset, and so on and so on. When you go to face to face meetings, in the opening of the meeting, you might even hear, if you are a member of AA, another 12-step program, fellowship, please keep that confidential, anonymous, as here in alanon we focus on ourselves, and the alanon perspective, and the alanon recovery.
That said, you didn't make a big deal, acknowledge, congratulate, whatever it is you did or didn't do. Got it. So, go to face to face alanon meetings. As many, as often, as you can!!! You have two teenagers, and your AH is going to his meetings. He is focusing on his recovery. You need to focus on your recovery. You need to begin your recovery, you need to begin to do the work! Having a hard time finding one? Here's a starting point...
Then, go to your local informational services website, and check as well. There are meeting lists all over!!! Your local information services website will have a current, up to date, meeting list.
You want to get better...you do the work! It works if you work it...so work it...you are worth it!
Maresie888 said
Dec 21, 2019
There are plenty of meetings your A can go to in order to get congratulated.
Entitlement is a big issue for some of us. One year.i asked oane. Ok f my boyfriend's to give me a nice birthday. He did. I had a really hard time accepting it
Nothing is straight forward
The idea is not to feel bad but ti negotiate what you can give
I always felt responsible for.others.
Maresie
Al-anon meetings helped me to understand alcoholism and recognize the behaviors that often made me feel crazy (like his anger at you, for example. You didnt fail but he is by making his personal business YOURS.)
I hope that you find a home group for yourself and find a good sponsor. I remember the very first year I went, I told the group this was the best Christmas present ever. God bless!
MTM, drinkers often expect perfection from others... but struggle hard to reach a good average for themselves...
- part of what drives them, maybe? The stand-out answers is that we take care of ourselves- and they can make
choices around that!
...
Alcoholism is a family disease that reached beyond the drinker to affect those who live with or love them. The disease is progressive, powerful and chronic. There is no real cure, yet it can be treated through recovery of some sort. AA is one recovery method for the A and Al-Anon is recovery for friends and family.
I am a double winner - meaning sober in AA and saner in Al-Anon. Each group celebrates annual birthdays in recovery a bit differently but there is usually some speaking, some celebration, a coin and cake/desert. In my world, the celebrants provide the cake(s) vs. the sponsor or the club - it's just done differently depending upon what the group conscious decides. In reality, if nobody asked you to get the cake, you would not know to do so! In other words, failing is when you just drop the ball completely or ignore being asked ... in this case, it sounds as if you just didn't know to do so!
I've learned in recovery that I don't have a crystal ball and can't read the minds of others. I no longer try to predict what another wants/needs, and instead ask with an open mind. I also no longer expect others to know what I want/need, and instead ask or tell them. I try to be balanced, fair, reasonable and serene/sane in my wants/needs. Recovery has helped me realize that I and all others are imperfect persons, doing our best, with different levels of needs/wants and I am only responsible for my own.
I also agree that Al-Anon would be helpful for you! You are not 'late' or 'behind' or anything else - we all get to arrive and work recovery at our own pace. Breathe and trust that you are a good, imperfect person and life happens! As a funny, my parents made a huge deal for my first year in sobriety. They do not understand the disease nor recovery, but they made a great effort. For the next 28 years, it was never mentioned! They happened to be in my car, and found my 30 year coin and then told me they were proud! I now send them a photo each year when I get a new coin just so they can be a small part of that part of my life. My brothers have never mentioned it, and it's not a big deal to me. I met and married my husband in AA, and he relapsed many years ago. He never remembers/mentions it either.
My point, most who work recovery let go of expectations, ego, etc. and are good if their home group is a part of 'it'...the first year is super special for most, but it's not ever too late to tell someone we love them and are proud of them!
Please keep coming back - you are not alone and again, congratulations to your husband!!! There is always hope and help in recovery!
Thanks for the clarity MyTwoMiracles. I wanted to respond to your update and join others in suggesting in person Alanon meetings for support as a family member living with an alcoholic. The support of an Alanon group and sponsor can be so helpful for working through questions as to whether you are doing the right or wrong thing. Although we don't really advise others in Alanon about actions to take in their lives with alcoholics, the program steps and traditions help us to come to our own answers. Also the sharings in meetings and knowledge that others have been through similiar situations and found solutions can be a comfort. Alanon is our program to work and to practice just as AA is the alcoholics program to work and practice. I'm very grateful for Alanon because it's really helped me to learn what is and is not my responsibility. Alanon gives me recovery tools to use for responding to others and to life situations. The tools allow me to take thoughtful actions rather than haphazardly reacting to people and situations. I'm glad you found this board and hope you'll keep coming back to share recovery. ((hugs)) TT
Welcome MTM - glad you're here.
Here is a link to Al-Anon's web site where you can find local meetings. There are also phone call meetings and online meetings. This message board isn't an officially recognized Al-Anon group, although many long-time members here do try to communicate on here as though it is a group.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
I'm sorry you're feeling responsible for your husband's feelings. It's not very fair of him to put that responsibility on you, although I understand how he feels making one year is a tremendous milestone - it is. But one year in still means he's pretty fresh in his recovery in my eyes, and that means he still has lots of work to do, especially around emotional sobriety, which means at some point he'll start to understand that he's responsible for his own feelings and that if he wants a celebration, he needs to learn to ask.
I've had to do that very thing myself after being in Al-Anon for a while - learning that people are not mind-readers, nor am I supposed to be one, either. That means I had to start learning to ask if I felt I needed or wanted something (knowing no one is obligated to do as I ask!), or start to let it begin with me, and if I wanted a celebration, I'd invite friends, etc., instead of waiting around for someone to think of me and surprise me.
Your husband is upset because HE is upsetting himself. Not you. You are not that powerful.
If you honestly feel an apology is in order, then by all means, make an amends. Just remember that you are not the answer to all your AH's problems.
I hope you find some local face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. They are extremely helpful.
Thus, my own perspective, and what alanon is in fact all about, and what you won't hear from people in both AA and alanon, and you won't hear here (this isn't a conference approved, official, alanon forum)...alanon is about YOU. It is about focusing on YOU, making change in and about YOU, it is about YOUR thinking, your behavior, your actions and reactions, your mindset, and so on and so on. When you go to face to face meetings, in the opening of the meeting, you might even hear, if you are a member of AA, another 12-step program, fellowship, please keep that confidential, anonymous, as here in alanon we focus on ourselves, and the alanon perspective, and the alanon recovery.
That said, you didn't make a big deal, acknowledge, congratulate, whatever it is you did or didn't do. Got it. So, go to face to face alanon meetings. As many, as often, as you can!!! You have two teenagers, and your AH is going to his meetings. He is focusing on his recovery. You need to focus on your recovery. You need to begin your recovery, you need to begin to do the work! Having a hard time finding one? Here's a starting point...
al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
Then, go to your local informational services website, and check as well. There are meeting lists all over!!! Your local information services website will have a current, up to date, meeting list.
You want to get better...you do the work! It works if you work it...so work it...you are worth it!