Hi all. I just came to unload and park awhile. This was a taxing weekend with the AH.
I am here just to refocus on me, so I am not going to say anymore about him in this post. This time of year is always taxing, but 2019 is proving to be doubly so. This past week I had many moments where I was walking through a store or just down the hallway at work to the rest room and suddenly would feel like something was pressing on my head and other parts of me. I have never had anxiety attacks before I and I suspect this might be what is going on. I had not slept more than 3 or 4 hrs in several days, so it also may just be straight out exhaustion.
Anyway, this evening I left the house after everyone went to bed and got to the store. Bought some things I like to eat. Some things the kids like. Nothing will win us points on the healthy index, but there it is. I just wanted to feel like something I wanted to do for me actually happened.
I wanted to leave the house this weekend - I wanted to just walk out and not come back. But I knew the children are here and as it is they got no dinner. I felt like I could not just leave and not take them with me. So I decided I needed to put on my big girl pants and just get a grip on myself. Some days it is easier than others. Today was hard.
I'm probably one of the few people who look forward to monday because it means I can get out of this house.
SerenityRUS said
Dec 9, 2019
Big hugs,
I sent you a DM.
S :)
Lyne said
Dec 9, 2019
{{{Fedora}}}. Your situation sounds trying indeed. I wonder if you have a F2F meeting you can attend? Are there friends or family where you can go for a weekend with your kids? I hear that you dont want to be where you are. You cant sleep and are having severe anxiety. What steps can you take to take care of you at this very challenging time? That is the point of alanon, to focus on yourself. Please keep coming back. Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 9, 2019
(((((Fedora)))))
Huge kudos to you for taking the steps to refocus on yourself!
Let me just say that you are definitely not the only one to have that feeling of just wanting to walk away and not look back! In my situation, I began to really hate weekends... b/c that meant more direct time with my qualifier, and zero ability to "forget" that I was married to an addict. Yes, in your type of situation (kids), you do have to pull up those BG panties. But you can only soldier on for so long... your body will release the stress in many unhealthful ways. Someone once said to me, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." They were right. I just had to be ready for the change.
Sending you strength for the week and beyond!
Freetime said
Dec 9, 2019
Fedora, I once thought I was the only person who looked forward to Mondays. So there's at least two of us. And I also remember wanting to walk out and not come back. I am glad you came here to share and that you decided to refocus on yourself.
For me, things started looking up when I started to reach out. First to a friend, then to a therapist, and then to Al-Anon meetings. {{{You are not alone.}}}
Aloha said
Dec 9, 2019
When I was living with the alcoholic at one point I had two jobs - one full-time and one part-time. Ideally I was doing it to take care of excess debt, but I eventually found I preferred it as those two jobs plus meetings, doing service work, and participating in fellowship kept me out of the house and away from the alcoholic and his behaviors. I really didn't like being around him at all, so yes, I was also someone who looked forward to Mondays. I also did honestly really love my full-time job. I worked with great people and it was challenging and rewarding.
Fedora said
Dec 9, 2019
Hello and thank you all. The only F2F mtg in my area is not until the end of the week. I've missed the last couple of weeks because of events I had to run. I will not be missing this week.
I definitely looked forward to showing up at work today even though my sleep was not of very good quality. Not that I had the energy to go whole hog into it, but I could say to myself, "look around - everybody around me is sane! And pretty healthy! This is actually the way the world is supposed to work!"
This morning's task involved working with one of my coworkers who had a big event in his personal life take place this weekend and I really could be very happy about that for him. That felt good. The previous 3 days have been 24-7 darkness and more darkness. I need to remind myself that the world is not all darkness.
Iamhere said
Dec 9, 2019
(((Fedora))) - so, so glad that returning to work brought you more hope and peace! I can so relate to needing to return to work on Monday to get away from the darkness of the weekend. I remember thinking how backwards my life was when work was where I relaxed vs. home - yet...that was my experience with the disease in action!
So glad to hear you've got a meeting on your plan for the week. I am lucky to live in an area where we've got many meeting options - they have always helped me even if it was for a snapshot in time. I also find calling another in recovery (sponsor or other program friend) good for my sanity when things are really chaotic!
Coming here to share or attend meetings also helped me! Sending you tons of positive energy and prayers!
Bo said
Dec 10, 2019
Anxiety attacks, not being able to sleep or sleeping just from sheer exhaustion, wanting to leave and never come back...all of those are signs. They are telling you something.
Spike up your meetings -- big time!!! Go to as many, as often, as you can. Talk to your sponsor. It works if you work it, so work it...YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Fedora said
Dec 15, 2019
Hi there. It's the weekend, and we're all snowed in. (First big snow of the season.) AH is already toasted. (I guess I can say it is past noon, sooooo...) Today I am trying to work my program. It's not nearly as hard when I am Out of the house. But now that we are snowed in, ACH.
Plusses for me: I made a point (for myself) about not asking him if he is drinking. (He is; so what purpose would it serve for me to actually hear it out loud.) I am grading papers all day so I am trying to stay focused on that.
Doesn't Feel Like a Plus but I *think* it is: We've had a rough week in that we started many days with an argument (or disagreeable talk which generally ends up with me crying at work). Despite my efforts to Not Engage, things get said. At one point he got super mad that I was kept referring to things I was learning and thinking about in Al-Anon. He said "they're filling your head with all kinds of stupid ideas!" Even in my most angry moment, I had to laugh at that. I thought, "oh, all my Al-Anon friends both online and at F2F group should pat themselves on the back".
Plusses for the kids: they're outside with friends playing in the snow.
Sad but true: if I get lucky, he'll get toasted enough to pass out and I can get my work done. Right now he's just drunk enough that he can't figure out how to work his phone so he keeps coming out here to complain about his phone and people and everything. He did manage to send a text to 10 people with whom he is working that was long and rambly and, well ... thank god it's not to my work colleagues. He also got angry that his boss (a woman) didn't answer his rambly message back. In my less disciplined mode, I would have tried to point out to him that he just sent something that some people could find fairly offensive. But that would have definitely started an argument between us and that would be a waste of my day (since the text wasn't even remotely related to me or anything of my life). His monkey, his zoo.
Sad but true #2: in the middle of a disagreeable talk/argument recently, he said he would be willing to go to counseling. But I am pretty sure this is only because he wants the counselor to fix me and get me to agree to be intimate with him again. Regardless, I thought, well maybe I should explore this. But then I found out that many counselors are not going to be doing counseling sessions with an active drinker who has no plans to change. I was reminded that I should just get some counseling for myself. (Not by spouse.) I'm going to work on that next week.
My agenda for the day: finish my work. Make some cookies that one of my kids likes a lot. Call my family (of origin) members to check in on them and say hello. Remind myself that snow days for kids are pretty magical, and just because AH is in the bedroom being drunk, like I said, I could get lucky and he'll just stay there/pass out.
Finally, do some thinking about my relationship with HP. It has been non existent for years because I've been so angry. But I got to thinking that I need to try to get out of my own head. I feel like I am at the bottom of a well. AH is certainly not interested in climbing out of his hole. But I truly want to climb out of mine. I thought that I could start with a little meditation today on the Serenity Prayer.
I'm just putting it here to be accountable. I hope you are all having a nice weekend. If any of you are here in the middle of the country, I hope you don't have to go outside today.
-- Edited by Fedora on Sunday 15th of December 2019 03:06:03 PM
Iamhere said
Dec 15, 2019
(((Fedora))) - great share and I appreciate the authenticity of 'today'....We are also snowed in - our first snow of the year too and I am in awe that we were actually on the golf course just Friday, two days ago!
Something to think about with regards to HP - when I get stuck, which still happens at times, I really, really enjoy putting in my ear buds and listening to Christian Rock Radio on Pandora. It helps me shut out the 'other' in my head and keeps me focused positively.
You have a sound plan for a 'snow day'....it's much harder when we are 'stuck' inside! I am always reminded of Just for Today when I wonder if I can make it and the answer is You betcha, one day at a time!
My dog is out playing in the snow right now. She has no interest in coming back inside and there's about 1/2 inch snow on her back...It makes me smile to see her joy! Keep doing you and keep coming back!
Bo said
Dec 16, 2019
Fedora, Accountability is a great thing. It can be the key to success. That said, thank you for sharing and showing/telling us how you handle day to day, minute to minute life. That's one thing that I've found, in my experience, people just don't get...and you do! So thank you.
That said, I got the "they're filling your head with" comments on several occasions. I used it as an opportunity to look at myself, my behavior, my contribution (to dialogue, conversations, discussions, etc.). What was my motivation -- if any -- in making whatever comments I made. Was it completely innocent, and was I simply re-stating a boundary, or replying to a comment made (by an intoxicated person), or did I have some other motive, did I initiate, or at least initiate part of it, etc. I wanted to make sure I was being, thinking healthy. I check my motives. Also, great for you -- you don't even ask if he's drinking, nor do you care. You do what you do, independent of him, what he's doing, etc.
Surrounded by it, in it...and YOU are focusing on YOU. I love it!!! Thank you so very much Fedora, for sharing the practical application, real-world, of how you work your program in the real world!!!
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 16th of December 2019 09:03:49 AM
Aloha said
Dec 16, 2019
Stay safe and warm Fedora. We already had two snow days out here in my neck of the woods - which is just crazy early. This current mess passed us by and I'm quite content with that.
I agree with IAH - you've got some great plans on how to take care of yourself while you're indoors for the day. It might be fun to go out and fool around with the kids, too, if you get your work done. Build a snowman, chuck some snowballs, make snow angels. Be a kid yourself. :)
I've had many times just like yours with the alcoholic where ultimately it was best I kept my mouth shut because anything I said would have just been used as ammunition for an argument. I do love the zoo analogy. I've heard it said "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Which always gives me a laugh.
There's a wonderful pamphlet called Acceptance - it's not CAL, but it really discusses many of the principles around acceptance that are discussed in our groups. In one part of the pamphlet, it talks about an Arab man who ends up with a tent of whirling dervishes pitched next to his. Someone asks him what he does about them, and the man answers "I let them whirl!"
That's precisely what I had to do at times with the alcoholic. Just let him whirl and stay occupied with my own business while he did so.
I found that the less I responded to his insanity, the less he found reasons to blame me for his misery.
You're making tremendous steps. And because you're ready, I know your relationship with your HP is going to start to open up, grow, and expand.
Have a beautiful day!
PS - here's an online link to the text in that pamphlet. Again, not CAL, but it's definitely worth a read.
Not my circus, not my monkeys!!! One of my favorites. I love the philosophy and meaning behind that slogan.
Maresie888 said
Dec 21, 2019
This is a real tough time of year. Remember it is onky another 10 days or so
When I was in a real rough patch I visited the chat room here. I went to meetings. I took.care
Break it down to small steps
I have real challenges in my life. This time of year is real triggering for me. I have to honor those triggers work around them
I give myself a lot of space
Welcome to this wonderful group.
Maresie
Hi all. I just came to unload and park awhile. This was a taxing weekend with the AH.
I am here just to refocus on me, so I am not going to say anymore about him in this post. This time of year is always taxing, but 2019 is proving to be doubly so. This past week I had many moments where I was walking through a store or just down the hallway at work to the rest room and suddenly would feel like something was pressing on my head and other parts of me. I have never had anxiety attacks before I and I suspect this might be what is going on. I had not slept more than 3 or 4 hrs in several days, so it also may just be straight out exhaustion.
Anyway, this evening I left the house after everyone went to bed and got to the store. Bought some things I like to eat. Some things the kids like. Nothing will win us points on the healthy index, but there it is. I just wanted to feel like something I wanted to do for me actually happened.
I wanted to leave the house this weekend - I wanted to just walk out and not come back. But I knew the children are here and as it is they got no dinner. I felt like I could not just leave and not take them with me. So I decided I needed to put on my big girl pants and just get a grip on myself. Some days it is easier than others. Today was hard.
I'm probably one of the few people who look forward to monday because it means I can get out of this house.
I sent you a DM.
S :)
(((((Fedora)))))
Huge kudos to you for taking the steps to refocus on yourself!
Let me just say that you are definitely not the only one to have that feeling of just wanting to walk away and not look back! In my situation, I began to really hate weekends... b/c that meant more direct time with my qualifier, and zero ability to "forget" that I was married to an addict.
Yes, in your type of situation (kids), you do have to pull up those BG panties. But you can only soldier on for so long... your body will release the stress in many unhealthful ways. Someone once said to me, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." They were right. I just had to be ready for the change.
Sending you strength for the week and beyond!
For me, things started looking up when I started to reach out. First to a friend, then to a therapist, and then to Al-Anon meetings. {{{You are not alone.}}}
I definitely looked forward to showing up at work today even though my sleep was not of very good quality. Not that I had the energy to go whole hog into it, but I could say to myself, "look around - everybody around me is sane! And pretty healthy! This is actually the way the world is supposed to work!"
This morning's task involved working with one of my coworkers who had a big event in his personal life take place this weekend and I really could be very happy about that for him. That felt good. The previous 3 days have been 24-7 darkness and more darkness. I need to remind myself that the world is not all darkness.
So glad to hear you've got a meeting on your plan for the week. I am lucky to live in an area where we've got many meeting options - they have always helped me even if it was for a snapshot in time. I also find calling another in recovery (sponsor or other program friend) good for my sanity when things are really chaotic!
Coming here to share or attend meetings also helped me! Sending you tons of positive energy and prayers!
Spike up your meetings -- big time!!! Go to as many, as often, as you can. Talk to your sponsor. It works if you work it, so work it...YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Hi there. It's the weekend, and we're all snowed in. (First big snow of the season.) AH is already toasted. (I guess I can say it is past noon, sooooo...) Today I am trying to work my program. It's not nearly as hard when I am Out of the house. But now that we are snowed in, ACH.
Plusses for me: I made a point (for myself) about not asking him if he is drinking. (He is; so what purpose would it serve for me to actually hear it out loud.) I am grading papers all day so I am trying to stay focused on that.
Doesn't Feel Like a Plus but I *think* it is: We've had a rough week in that we started many days with an argument (or disagreeable talk which generally ends up with me crying at work). Despite my efforts to Not Engage, things get said. At one point he got super mad that I was kept referring to things I was learning and thinking about in Al-Anon. He said "they're filling your head with all kinds of stupid ideas!" Even in my most angry moment, I had to laugh at that. I thought, "oh, all my Al-Anon friends both online and at F2F group should pat themselves on the back".
Plusses for the kids: they're outside with friends playing in the snow.
Sad but true: if I get lucky, he'll get toasted enough to pass out and I can get my work done. Right now he's just drunk enough that he can't figure out how to work his phone so he keeps coming out here to complain about his phone and people and everything. He did manage to send a text to 10 people with whom he is working that was long and rambly and, well ... thank god it's not to my work colleagues. He also got angry that his boss (a woman) didn't answer his rambly message back. In my less disciplined mode, I would have tried to point out to him that he just sent something that some people could find fairly offensive. But that would have definitely started an argument between us and that would be a waste of my day (since the text wasn't even remotely related to me or anything of my life). His monkey, his zoo.
Sad but true #2: in the middle of a disagreeable talk/argument recently, he said he would be willing to go to counseling. But I am pretty sure this is only because he wants the counselor to fix me and get me to agree to be intimate with him again. Regardless, I thought, well maybe I should explore this. But then I found out that many counselors are not going to be doing counseling sessions with an active drinker who has no plans to change. I was reminded that I should just get some counseling for myself. (Not by spouse.) I'm going to work on that next week.
My agenda for the day: finish my work. Make some cookies that one of my kids likes a lot. Call my family (of origin) members to check in on them and say hello. Remind myself that snow days for kids are pretty magical, and just because AH is in the bedroom being drunk, like I said, I could get lucky and he'll just stay there/pass out.
Finally, do some thinking about my relationship with HP. It has been non existent for years because I've been so angry. But I got to thinking that I need to try to get out of my own head. I feel like I am at the bottom of a well. AH is certainly not interested in climbing out of his hole. But I truly want to climb out of mine. I thought that I could start with a little meditation today on the Serenity Prayer.
I'm just putting it here to be accountable. I hope you are all having a nice weekend. If any of you are here in the middle of the country, I hope you don't have to go outside today.
-- Edited by Fedora on Sunday 15th of December 2019 03:06:03 PM
Something to think about with regards to HP - when I get stuck, which still happens at times, I really, really enjoy putting in my ear buds and listening to Christian Rock Radio on Pandora. It helps me shut out the 'other' in my head and keeps me focused positively.
You have a sound plan for a 'snow day'....it's much harder when we are 'stuck' inside! I am always reminded of Just for Today when I wonder if I can make it and the answer is You betcha, one day at a time!
My dog is out playing in the snow right now. She has no interest in coming back inside and there's about 1/2 inch snow on her back...It makes me smile to see her joy! Keep doing you and keep coming back!
Fedora, Accountability is a great thing. It can be the key to success. That said, thank you for sharing and showing/telling us how you handle day to day, minute to minute life. That's one thing that I've found, in my experience, people just don't get...and you do! So thank you.
That said, I got the "they're filling your head with" comments on several occasions. I used it as an opportunity to look at myself, my behavior, my contribution (to dialogue, conversations, discussions, etc.). What was my motivation -- if any -- in making whatever comments I made. Was it completely innocent, and was I simply re-stating a boundary, or replying to a comment made (by an intoxicated person), or did I have some other motive, did I initiate, or at least initiate part of it, etc. I wanted to make sure I was being, thinking healthy. I check my motives. Also, great for you -- you don't even ask if he's drinking, nor do you care. You do what you do, independent of him, what he's doing, etc.
Surrounded by it, in it...and YOU are focusing on YOU. I love it!!! Thank you so very much Fedora, for sharing the practical application, real-world, of how you work your program in the real world!!!
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 16th of December 2019 09:03:49 AM
Stay safe and warm Fedora. We already had two snow days out here in my neck of the woods - which is just crazy early. This current mess passed us by and I'm quite content with that.
I agree with IAH - you've got some great plans on how to take care of yourself while you're indoors for the day. It might be fun to go out and fool around with the kids, too, if you get your work done. Build a snowman, chuck some snowballs, make snow angels. Be a kid yourself. :)
I've had many times just like yours with the alcoholic where ultimately it was best I kept my mouth shut because anything I said would have just been used as ammunition for an argument. I do love the zoo analogy. I've heard it said "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Which always gives me a laugh.
There's a wonderful pamphlet called Acceptance - it's not CAL, but it really discusses many of the principles around acceptance that are discussed in our groups. In one part of the pamphlet, it talks about an Arab man who ends up with a tent of whirling dervishes pitched next to his. Someone asks him what he does about them, and the man answers "I let them whirl!"
That's precisely what I had to do at times with the alcoholic. Just let him whirl and stay occupied with my own business while he did so.
I found that the less I responded to his insanity, the less he found reasons to blame me for his misery.
You're making tremendous steps. And because you're ready, I know your relationship with your HP is going to start to open up, grow, and expand.
Have a beautiful day!
PS - here's an online link to the text in that pamphlet. Again, not CAL, but it's definitely worth a read.
http://artf5.tripod.com/alcoholicrecovery/id6.html