Hi! Im new on here. My boyfriend is currently living at a sober house after completing a 30 day rehab program. He asked for space so that he could focus on his recovery while I focus on mine. However, Im having a difficult time taking the space and constantly wondering why he isnt reaching out to me. He has been keeping his distance and Im wondering how to handle the situation. As I give him space, Im attending al Anon and focusing on therapy. But do I not talk to him until hes made amends? It upsets me that he hasnt tried to include me in his recovery. The last time I visited him in rehab he seemed very unemotional. Is that normal? How do newly recovered As focus during the first three months?
Thank you!
canadianguy said
Dec 2, 2019
All tough questions Michele, and the answers likely vary as widely as the number of alcoholics going through treatment.
As a general rule of thumb, we're encouraged to take full advantage of this time - while your A is in his recovery program - to dive fully into yours, and pay attention to you and your own program of recovery. Sometimes it can be a bit of a blessing, to not be enmeshed with their disease - and his part truly is HIS recovery, and not yours. Unfortunately you don't typically get to say how much (or how little) he wants to reach out to you during this time. Hopefully this is something that will be addressed with his counsellors and sponsor, as time goes on, but for now - his focus needs to be on himself and his recovery, and yours should be the same
Tom
tiredtonite said
Dec 2, 2019
Hi Michele,
Welcome! Glad you are already introduced to the Alanon program and attending. From personal experience, it was one of the best things I did for myself when with someone newly sober. Your bf asked for space. If there is any confusion about what taking space means for you and what it means for him, it might be best to ask him directly about that. For me, it's pretty straightforward if someone asks for space I leave them alone and respect that request.
If he's like a lot of people in early recovery both AA people and Alanon people who are newcomers, he's may be in the process of considering a program sponsor who will guide him through the steps of the program and he is working on himself trying to get well. He may be moody or even flat emotionally because he's given up alcohol and want to feel more balanced.
If you feel lonely, more meetings and going out after with meeting members for a coffee can help a bit. If it's your higher power's will that you and this man be together, the relationship will continue after taking space. It's hard to let go sometimes and trust that things will be ok. Keep coming back to share and keep taking care of yourself each day. It'll turn out as it's meant to. (((hugs)) TT
Bo said
Dec 2, 2019
Michele, welcome. Everything you are feeling and experiencing is very, very normal and typical. Many of us have been through the very same thing. That said, one preface I want to mention is that co-dependency is very common in relationships with addicts/alcoholics. That said, while it might be hard for you to understand, and accept, right now, your bf is being told -- it is being drilled into his head -- that the ONLY thing he should be focused on HIS recovery and staying clean and sober. Period. Nothing else. In addition, HIS recovery is HIS. Period. Not yours, not you two as a couple, not anyone's but HIS. Only HE can remain clean and sober, and he will do so ONLY if HE wants to. Not you. You can't keep him clean and sober -- although you may think your support will contribute to it -- because if he wants to drink or use, he will. When you go to face to face alanon meetings -- you will learn, but perhaps you won't like, the fact that -- the alcoholic/addict will not quit UNLESS and UNTIL they want to.
That being the case, it is normal that he is not reaching out to you. HE is focusing on HIM. And, if YOU want to get better, get healthy, NOW is the time YOU should be focusing on YOU. You ask how to handle the situation -- the answer is -- go to face to face alanon meetings. As many and as often as you can. Focus on YOU. Start learning the program, start working the program, and start doing the work so that you can get better and so you can get healthy.
As far as talking to him before he makes amends -- speak to people in the face to face alanon meetings you go to. Yes, you can speak with him, and don't expect him to make amends any time soon. One is not contingent or a condition of the other. Making amends is part of his recovery -- and it comes way down the road. Go learn the alanon program.
Do not be upset he hasn't tried to include you in his recovery. Right now, he is not supposed to. Staying clean and sober, every day, one day at a time...is all he is supposed to be thinking about, doing, focusing on, breathing, living, and everything else. His life can depend on that. Stop focusing on him and what he is doing, thinking, what he will be doing, what he focuses on, etc. That is actually part of your problem. You are immersed and enmeshed in him. You getting better is about YOU. Not him.
All the best.
Iamhere said
Dec 3, 2019
Welcome to MIP Michele - glad you found us and so glad that you joined right in. Alcoholism is classified as a family disease, as it generally reaches beyond the drinker and affects those who love or live with them too! An active alcoholic obsesses over the drink/drinking, and we (friends and family) obsess over them, their actions, choices, words, etc.
For me, as a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon), one of the first suggestions I ever got was to do the opposite. I am a literal soul, so I literally changed the order of morning actions (coffee, shower, dressing, etc.) upon awakening. When my mind began to mentally obsess over anything beyond the present, I would take action - small worked (a walk, a TV show, a page of literature, a call to another in recovery) to change up where my mind wondered. The slogans were a gift from the beginning, even though I found them silly upon arrival.
Recovery is about changing/discarding unhealthy habits and replacing them with healthy habits. Most of us arrived with much more concern about the A in our life, their habits, drinking, choices, job, finances, etc. --- putting ourselves and our needs on the back burner. We have often forgotten that we are, uniquely on our own, a separate person who deserves to be happy, joyous and free. 'This - Happy, Joyous & Free' will differ from one to another yet remains our collective goal.
I can speak from experience that it took me a long while and tons of practice, meetings, readings, step work, etc. to stop worrying/obsessing over my A(s). I was one that really, really hoped that removing the alcohol would fix all the issues/problems in our life - that has not been my experience! The drinking and obsession for all is just a symptom of a variety of things that recovery can help us with.
Breathe, breathe, breathe again! Meetings did help me greatly in the beginning, but I also needed 'more' in-between meetings. I found literature that was easy to read/digest and would do that every day. I began taking long walks with my dog and just focusing on me. Gratitude lists were golden and one habit I started early on and still continue as my mind always went to 'what was not working'. Today, I try to focus instead on what is working or what is better, as I no longer expect/want perfection. I am grateful, joyful and at peace with progress in all my affairs.
Keep coming back - we focus on just one day at a time, and there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs)))
Aloha said
Dec 3, 2019
Welcome,
I agree with the previous posts.
Right now this is a time for you to focus on what makes you tick now. I know it's difficult to detach - after all, we're told by others that if we really love someone we'll do ANYTHING for them. But here's the thing - that "anything" he's asking of you right now is to give him some space, and that's probably the most sane, adult decision he's made for himself through all his drinking years. It doesn't mean you're getting rejected. It means he's putting his focus where it needs to be - on his sobriety. It really is all-consuming for a freshly recovering alcoholic to just focus on not drinking. Asking them to attend to the emotional well-being of their family and friends just isn't in the cards right now.
Please take the opportunity he is giving you with this space to dive into your own recovery. Believe it or not, you need space, too, and attending meetings will actually start filling that gap of having your emotional needs met.
If you haven't tried it already, I recommend getting to six different meetings as close together as possible to get a taste for the groups. Attend at least a couple each week. Get yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you start giving yourself the laser-like focus you deserve instead of focusing entirely on the alcoholic.
Of course you're welcome to stop in here anytime and post what's on your mind, as well, but this message board is not an official meeting and thus does not function like one, so keep that in mind.
-- Edited by Aloha on Tuesday 3rd of December 2019 09:09:48 AM
All tough questions Michele, and the answers likely vary as widely as the number of alcoholics going through treatment.
As a general rule of thumb, we're encouraged to take full advantage of this time - while your A is in his recovery program - to dive fully into yours, and pay attention to you and your own program of recovery. Sometimes it can be a bit of a blessing, to not be enmeshed with their disease - and his part truly is HIS recovery, and not yours. Unfortunately you don't typically get to say how much (or how little) he wants to reach out to you during this time. Hopefully this is something that will be addressed with his counsellors and sponsor, as time goes on, but for now - his focus needs to be on himself and his recovery, and yours should be the same
Tom
Hi Michele,
Welcome! Glad you are already introduced to the Alanon program and attending. From personal experience, it was one of the best things I did for myself when with someone newly sober. Your bf asked for space. If there is any confusion about what taking space means for you and what it means for him, it might be best to ask him directly about that. For me, it's pretty straightforward if someone asks for space I leave them alone and respect that request.
If he's like a lot of people in early recovery both AA people and Alanon people who are newcomers, he's may be in the process of considering a program sponsor who will guide him through the steps of the program and he is working on himself trying to get well. He may be moody or even flat emotionally because he's given up alcohol and want to feel more balanced.
If you feel lonely, more meetings and going out after with meeting members for a coffee can help a bit. If it's your higher power's will that you and this man be together, the relationship will continue after taking space. It's hard to let go sometimes and trust that things will be ok. Keep coming back to share and keep taking care of yourself each day. It'll turn out as it's meant to. (((hugs)) TT
Michele, welcome. Everything you are feeling and experiencing is very, very normal and typical. Many of us have been through the very same thing. That said, one preface I want to mention is that co-dependency is very common in relationships with addicts/alcoholics. That said, while it might be hard for you to understand, and accept, right now, your bf is being told -- it is being drilled into his head -- that the ONLY thing he should be focused on HIS recovery and staying clean and sober. Period. Nothing else. In addition, HIS recovery is HIS. Period. Not yours, not you two as a couple, not anyone's but HIS. Only HE can remain clean and sober, and he will do so ONLY if HE wants to. Not you. You can't keep him clean and sober -- although you may think your support will contribute to it -- because if he wants to drink or use, he will. When you go to face to face alanon meetings -- you will learn, but perhaps you won't like, the fact that -- the alcoholic/addict will not quit UNLESS and UNTIL they want to.
That being the case, it is normal that he is not reaching out to you. HE is focusing on HIM. And, if YOU want to get better, get healthy, NOW is the time YOU should be focusing on YOU. You ask how to handle the situation -- the answer is -- go to face to face alanon meetings. As many and as often as you can. Focus on YOU. Start learning the program, start working the program, and start doing the work so that you can get better and so you can get healthy.
As far as talking to him before he makes amends -- speak to people in the face to face alanon meetings you go to. Yes, you can speak with him, and don't expect him to make amends any time soon. One is not contingent or a condition of the other. Making amends is part of his recovery -- and it comes way down the road. Go learn the alanon program.
Do not be upset he hasn't tried to include you in his recovery. Right now, he is not supposed to. Staying clean and sober, every day, one day at a time...is all he is supposed to be thinking about, doing, focusing on, breathing, living, and everything else. His life can depend on that. Stop focusing on him and what he is doing, thinking, what he will be doing, what he focuses on, etc. That is actually part of your problem. You are immersed and enmeshed in him. You getting better is about YOU. Not him.
All the best.
For me, as a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon), one of the first suggestions I ever got was to do the opposite. I am a literal soul, so I literally changed the order of morning actions (coffee, shower, dressing, etc.) upon awakening. When my mind began to mentally obsess over anything beyond the present, I would take action - small worked (a walk, a TV show, a page of literature, a call to another in recovery) to change up where my mind wondered. The slogans were a gift from the beginning, even though I found them silly upon arrival.
Recovery is about changing/discarding unhealthy habits and replacing them with healthy habits. Most of us arrived with much more concern about the A in our life, their habits, drinking, choices, job, finances, etc. --- putting ourselves and our needs on the back burner. We have often forgotten that we are, uniquely on our own, a separate person who deserves to be happy, joyous and free. 'This - Happy, Joyous & Free' will differ from one to another yet remains our collective goal.
I can speak from experience that it took me a long while and tons of practice, meetings, readings, step work, etc. to stop worrying/obsessing over my A(s). I was one that really, really hoped that removing the alcohol would fix all the issues/problems in our life - that has not been my experience! The drinking and obsession for all is just a symptom of a variety of things that recovery can help us with.
Breathe, breathe, breathe again! Meetings did help me greatly in the beginning, but I also needed 'more' in-between meetings. I found literature that was easy to read/digest and would do that every day. I began taking long walks with my dog and just focusing on me. Gratitude lists were golden and one habit I started early on and still continue as my mind always went to 'what was not working'. Today, I try to focus instead on what is working or what is better, as I no longer expect/want perfection. I am grateful, joyful and at peace with progress in all my affairs.
Keep coming back - we focus on just one day at a time, and there is hope and help in recovery! (((Hugs)))
Welcome,
I agree with the previous posts.
Right now this is a time for you to focus on what makes you tick now. I know it's difficult to detach - after all, we're told by others that if we really love someone we'll do ANYTHING for them. But here's the thing - that "anything" he's asking of you right now is to give him some space, and that's probably the most sane, adult decision he's made for himself through all his drinking years. It doesn't mean you're getting rejected. It means he's putting his focus where it needs to be - on his sobriety. It really is all-consuming for a freshly recovering alcoholic to just focus on not drinking. Asking them to attend to the emotional well-being of their family and friends just isn't in the cards right now.
Please take the opportunity he is giving you with this space to dive into your own recovery. Believe it or not, you need space, too, and attending meetings will actually start filling that gap of having your emotional needs met.
If you haven't tried it already, I recommend getting to six different meetings as close together as possible to get a taste for the groups. Attend at least a couple each week. Get yourself a sponsor and start working the steps. I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you start giving yourself the laser-like focus you deserve instead of focusing entirely on the alcoholic.
Of course you're welcome to stop in here anytime and post what's on your mind, as well, but this message board is not an official meeting and thus does not function like one, so keep that in mind.
-- Edited by Aloha on Tuesday 3rd of December 2019 09:09:48 AM