I am back @ Step One - admitting that I am powerless, simply because I am a person in recovery and it feels like the right place to be.
My Thanksgiving was extremely different than expected, planned or even remotely considered. I've learned in recovery to keep my expectations low, and do reasonably well when I do. Yet, this year my day included news that was devastating, shocking and extremely sad.
The first piece of news is that one of my gal cousins, the one I am closest with, has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer that's spread to her liver as well as her brain. We planned to grow old together, joked often/always about being our own version of the Golden Girls...while none of us know when our time here will end, this was a huge shock simply because I don't go around thinking someone I love is going to be diagnosed with terminal cancer on a Wednesday, out of the blue when she was at work, fully functional on Tuesday.
To say I lost my appetite is fully accurate. As a person who comes from a large family where this disease that brings us together is alive and well, the news really brought out some authenticity. We had some who cried, some who prayed and others who just drank to oblivion. I love all my family and am used to each processing in their own way, so not shocked by the processing at all. I and another cousin put together 10 plates of T-giving dinner to go, and headed to the hospital to feed those who were there! Service work always helps me find a purpose, no matter what's going on around me.
While we were driving to the hospital, we got notified that the father of my cousin's son who died in a horrific car crash (driver was best friend and under the influence) a couple years ago committed suicide. I spent time with this young man through softball as well, so knew him better than most in the family.
So - two truly horrific events on one single day...for me, no amount of recovery prepares you for a day like that. It has taken me 2+ days just to accept what is, and to stop wondering what, if anything, I could have done differently for each of these souls. My cousin with cancer drinks alcoholically. I have to admit (and own) that much of the drama/chaos that comes with this disease has led me to step away a bit, simply because of my own self-care and boundaries. The cancer was found/diagnosed because of some hallucinations resulting from the spread of the cancer to her brain. Lesson learned for me - changes in behavior/mental processing IS NOT ALWAYS THIS DISEASE progression; it can be 'other'. As you can see, I've got some guilt and remorse over stepping away even if it was for my own mental health. *Sigh* - I am powerless over people, places, things, past events, choices, etc.
For the other person, and my cousin, I can not relate to the grief they must have/feel over loosing a child. I have done all that I know to do and think of to be of service and to support them as they grieve. My cousin has been very loud, public and vocal about her feelings, grief, sadness, not wanting to live, etc. and I am beyond shocked that she's still here and the father instead took his life. As I type this, I am just shaking my head as I did not see this coming at all.
As I've been taught in recovery, I am looking for the lessons. I know I can't do a darn thing about any 'past event' and can only focus on today and being of service. I do know that I've never felt 'bad' about self-care, boundaries, etc. in recovery until now. I can't help but wonder if I would have stayed closer to my cousin, would her cancer have been found earlier...which sounds crazy as I type it, but it's what's in my heart.
I also really, really HATE cancer right now (maybe always...). I've got 3 people I love that are currently affected, all in different stages, all with different treatment plans and 2 who most likely will not live through it. I accept that God's got the master plan, but I can selfishly admit that I am not ready to say Good-bye. I can also admit that I am not mentally prepared to attend the funeral for the suicide victim - he had a wife and 2 small kids...I do know I will get the strength by the time it arrives, as sometimes being of service just means showing up - even when I don't want to.
So - I have had much better holidays. I have had much worse holidays. I'm very sad and have some fear - which brings me back to Step One...I have no shame in admitting that I am again powerless as owning this will hopefully keep me more sane and my life more manageable.
I thank you for reading and welcome thoughts and prayers. I am eternally grateful that I have a place to process and a program to lean on always! (((Hugs)))
You signalled that stuff had happened over Thanksgiving.
What else can one say? Hang in there! Don't underestimate
the part you play in the family. ...
Temple said
Dec 1, 2019
Oh my Dear--
I am so sorry--I can't tell you how much I wish you--and they--were not going through this.
Part of the grief and outrage must be because all these people are way too young to be dying. And to die of something insidious. It just feel unfair. As if fair ever had anything to do with anything. But it does get easier to let people go when they've lived a full life.
Loved the image of your going out with the meals, nevertheless.
You are the kind of person who makes things happen, so I can certainly understand your thinking that there must have been something you could have done. It's all a part of trying to make sense when there is no sense to be made, humanly speaking. And it is perhaps a part of the grief process. Is it just me? or does it seem that families in which alcoholism runs often tend to have a very high percentage of gifted, attractive, appealing, even charismatic members.
I love how you love them all. Cold, stone sober, and with years and years of recovery, you love them all. How blessed they are to have you.
Prayers for you that you get through this with your usual grace. I don't doubt that you will. Here's a thought that might help to sustain you, if you can allow yourself to have it: No doubt, you have been a blessing to each one of them, and have enhanced their lives in ways you aren't even aware of.
(((((((((((IAH))))))))))))
Temple
Jill said
Dec 1, 2019
(((( IAH )))) You certainly are here! And here in my prayers that you can find comfort in your self-care. You, too, are worthy of your own care. Yes I know you already know that.)
tiredtonite said
Dec 1, 2019
So very sorry to read this sad news. Ahhhh life on life's term sure can suck at times I also found the moment that the dinners were packed and brought to the hospital very empowering. You kept it simple and did what you could in that moment. It was the Serenity Prayer in action. You did good.
You will be in my prayers as will your family, the sick and the suffering. You will intuitively know what to do concerning service to family members if you keep reaching out to your higher power asking to be guided. Emotions will be running very high with your cousin's closest family and the family of the man who died.
I hope you get some much needed rest. There's nothing else you can do today except take care of you by letting go and letting god.
Keep sharing (((Iam)) TT
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 2, 2019
Such devastating news...my loving thoughts and prayers will be with you. ((((iamhere)))))
Aloha said
Dec 2, 2019
Survivor's guilt is a real bastard. And you're right, it takes me back to having the illusion that I have some kind of control over what's going on around me.
If only I had said something, paid more attention, asked certain questions... and on and on. My head can take me down a million paths that essentially say "It's all YOUR fault that this happened. You could have made a difference."
I hope you can spend some time reflecting on the big difference you DID and still DO make in their lives.
I mentally beat the daylights out of myself quite easily. One practice that I've taken up over the last year is to sit down and write out all my accomplishments and good traits. That time I bought a homeless guy lunch. That time I left the hairdresser a huge tip, that time I helped my parents rescue a baby bunny from their storm window. I try to remember to keep adding to the list periodically, and then, when I'm feeling low and returning to that place of inventorying all my wrongs and short-comings, I pull out that list and read back through it and remind myself I'm not the piece of dirt my ego is trying to tell me I am.
Okay, sure, there's time for honest reflection on ourselves. That's what our 10th step is for. But it's important that I first understand what is MY responsibility and what I truly have control over before I use my daily inventory to lash myself.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing these things. Such a surreal one-two punch that came at you. I'm so grateful to know you have a program and friends in recovery that can walk you through this. Remember it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel. Just don't bully yourself into taking responsibility for things that are not yours.
Sending love and hugs.
El said
Dec 2, 2019
(((IAH)))
Oh, it seems too much to bear at times....and I am so sorry for what you and loved ones are going through. Sending prayers and strength to you, IAH.
Ellen
TrishaNorth44 said
Dec 2, 2019
IAH
I'm so sorry for this struggle you are currently in the midst of. Life hits us so hard at times without warning. I am thinking of you and your family and saying prayers for strength and healing. You have shown great insight and wisdom on these boards and it has been so meaningful for me personally to witness your example. I have faith that your Higher Power is walking by your side and will continue to keep you strong. Praying for continued peace and serenity.
hotrod said
Dec 3, 2019
((IAH))))) I am truly sorry to read of these painul events in your life. prayers on the way
Iamhere said
Dec 3, 2019
(((MIP family))) - thank you for your ESH, support and prayers. I could write a novel detailing how the last few days have gone....what I prefer to share is that I am OK. I am leaning into my recovery, my HP and my faith. I am still focusing on gratitude and being of service. These great tools, which I practice because of recovery (grateful for recovery) are truly 'golden'.
I do have to share that my mother, who has been slipping mentally and continues to do so, started her grieving over again on Sunday after our call. She had already forgotten the news from Thursday. It made me really sad that she was really sad and then it dawned on me that there's a good chance this is going to happen each time we connect. And, right or wrong, I found it kind of funny and wondering which is worse - not remembering life's challenges or full recall...
I welcome any/all prayers - I feel them and they are greatly appreciated! I am off to golf today - a much needed break and some time in the outdoors! (((Hugs)))
Iamhere said
Dec 21, 2019
(((MIP Family))) - just wanted to give an update. Yesterday, our family called in Hospice Care for my cousin. Her cancer is small cell, fast, progressive and deadly. She's completely jaundice and her liver is shutting down, along with other organs. We appreciate all your thoughts and prayers and I just wanted to share that she's going to be gone soon from this life.
I was praying/meditating before heading to the family gathering, and just filled with dread. This is not my first 'death watch' which I find to be so difficult, slow, painful, sad, etc. It gets even more complicated with the number of family members present and even more so when some are candidates for recovery.
As I was contemplating the day before me, it dawned on me that I (again) was part of the issue. I am the one who has called these events 'death watches' and I could change that if I chose to. So, here comes flying into my mind, 'Stairway to Heaven Watch' instead. I've decided that's the new name when one I love is leaving this place and moving on to the next.
My cousin is one of 6, the 3rd youngest, age 55. Her older sister said to her yesterday, "You're going to get to see Mom before me, Bitxx"...My cousin who's passing said, "Dad too! Ha-ha back @ ya Bitxx"....we all got a huge kick out of this. Humor is not a cure but can be healing! My cousin has tons of faith, and while not ready to leave her family and kids, knows and trusts in the God of her understanding. While we are still working on acceptance, she's at peace and since it's 'not about me', I'm focusing on being grateful for that, just for today.
I ask again for prayers for my family as this is going to be a very difficult time. She's got 3 kids, grown, all married and 2 grand kids.
El said
Dec 22, 2019
Thank you for the update, IAH. I am so sorry about your cousin and the pain surrounding it. She does sound like she has made peace at the end of her life. I absolutely LOVE your "Stairway to Heaven Watch." It certainly turns things around and brings a peaceful, calming mindset compared to a death watch.
I am sending prayers to you and the family....indeed so difficult with children and grandchildren......sigh.....
Love to you,
Ellen
Temple said
Dec 22, 2019
Oh I love your cousins. Thank you for sharing that. I am praying for all of you and the children and grandchildren.
Yes--Stairway to Heaven Watch. It's as if Heaven opens up a little bit when someone we love passes.
I lost my best friend when she was a few years older than your cousin is now. It took me a dozen years to feel at peace about it. I depended on her so much. Even though her life wasn't what it might have been at that point, and even though her health was going downhill, it was so hard to think of life without her and her love and wisdom. And even though I knew she was really okay and beyond pain and heartache, it was still so hard.
I'm so glad you got to get out and play. Hoping for lots of warm enough days for you. You've been such a comfort to so many here--know you are loved.
Temple
tiredtonite said
Dec 22, 2019
I'm sorry that your update is to tell us how quickly things are progressing. Prayers for your cousin, her husband and children. Sitting in powerlessness can be excruciating at times for family. She's lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love her so much. I hope things go easy for her. I have to believe her faith will help with that. I'm sorry you're hurting ((Iam))) TT
Iamhere said
Dec 22, 2019
Thank you for the support, posts, shares and prayers. My cousin passed away today @ 2:12pm. I am the only one from my family in town, so had to make calls to my siblings and my parents. My mother is very, very sad that she did not get here in time to say good-bye. The location and priest have been set and we're working on a date. My prayers now is we can get it going this week as everyone will be in town for the holiday.
We talked last night as we gathered about how very important it is to tell those you love that you do, often...life really is precious and we just never know when we'll leave. I am sad and that's OK....it's where I am supposed to be, just for tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings. My mother and father are now coming in together, and will be here tomorrow instead of tonight. I'm grateful for one more night in my room/bed before my move-out to the 2nd floor.
tiredtonite said
Dec 22, 2019
I'm so sorry (((Iam))) for your loss. It's also so sad when are the one to deliver this kind of news to our elderly parents especially. Have been there. They'll no doubt hold you a little closer tomorrow when they arrive. I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Prayers for you and your family. (((hugs))) TT
Aloha said
Dec 23, 2019
I'm sorry to hear this news, IAH. Prayers for you and your family.
Temple said
Dec 23, 2019
I am so very sorry for your loss of two family members.
May you all feel comforted.
Hugs,
Temple
Maresie888 said
Dec 24, 2019
Two years ago one of.my good friends died from a suicide that came out if nowhere. The shock is still there
I.miss him desperately
This month one of my neighbors committed suicide
I have now lost double digit numbers of people to cancer
I am glad you can chart your journey in the present
The shock of my friend's suicide was draining. I will never know #WHY#,
I have had to.make that unimportant
I kniw the holidays have deep meaning to certain people. Having it all be hallmark perfect is a goal for so many of us
My holidays are murky. There is a lot going on for me and it brings up a lot of things
Processing that takes time
Life is messy and there are no guarantees. We want those guarantees. I dont have them
I know the al anon tools help me immensely but si does processing my feelings
Addicts I have to say are some of the most supremely self centered people I know so my.expectations of them are minimal
Realky minimal
At one time my expectations of them were off the charts
Expectations are huge for me. They are the way I set myself up time and again
I am back @ Step One - admitting that I am powerless, simply because I am a person in recovery and it feels like the right place to be.
My Thanksgiving was extremely different than expected, planned or even remotely considered. I've learned in recovery to keep my expectations low, and do reasonably well when I do. Yet, this year my day included news that was devastating, shocking and extremely sad.
The first piece of news is that one of my gal cousins, the one I am closest with, has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer that's spread to her liver as well as her brain. We planned to grow old together, joked often/always about being our own version of the Golden Girls...while none of us know when our time here will end, this was a huge shock simply because I don't go around thinking someone I love is going to be diagnosed with terminal cancer on a Wednesday, out of the blue when she was at work, fully functional on Tuesday.
To say I lost my appetite is fully accurate. As a person who comes from a large family where this disease that brings us together is alive and well, the news really brought out some authenticity. We had some who cried, some who prayed and others who just drank to oblivion. I love all my family and am used to each processing in their own way, so not shocked by the processing at all. I and another cousin put together 10 plates of T-giving dinner to go, and headed to the hospital to feed those who were there! Service work always helps me find a purpose, no matter what's going on around me.
While we were driving to the hospital, we got notified that the father of my cousin's son who died in a horrific car crash (driver was best friend and under the influence) a couple years ago committed suicide. I spent time with this young man through softball as well, so knew him better than most in the family.
So - two truly horrific events on one single day...for me, no amount of recovery prepares you for a day like that. It has taken me 2+ days just to accept what is, and to stop wondering what, if anything, I could have done differently for each of these souls. My cousin with cancer drinks alcoholically. I have to admit (and own) that much of the drama/chaos that comes with this disease has led me to step away a bit, simply because of my own self-care and boundaries. The cancer was found/diagnosed because of some hallucinations resulting from the spread of the cancer to her brain. Lesson learned for me - changes in behavior/mental processing IS NOT ALWAYS THIS DISEASE progression; it can be 'other'. As you can see, I've got some guilt and remorse over stepping away even if it was for my own mental health. *Sigh* - I am powerless over people, places, things, past events, choices, etc.
For the other person, and my cousin, I can not relate to the grief they must have/feel over loosing a child. I have done all that I know to do and think of to be of service and to support them as they grieve. My cousin has been very loud, public and vocal about her feelings, grief, sadness, not wanting to live, etc. and I am beyond shocked that she's still here and the father instead took his life. As I type this, I am just shaking my head as I did not see this coming at all.
As I've been taught in recovery, I am looking for the lessons. I know I can't do a darn thing about any 'past event' and can only focus on today and being of service. I do know that I've never felt 'bad' about self-care, boundaries, etc. in recovery until now. I can't help but wonder if I would have stayed closer to my cousin, would her cancer have been found earlier...which sounds crazy as I type it, but it's what's in my heart.
I also really, really HATE cancer right now (maybe always...). I've got 3 people I love that are currently affected, all in different stages, all with different treatment plans and 2 who most likely will not live through it. I accept that God's got the master plan, but I can selfishly admit that I am not ready to say Good-bye. I can also admit that I am not mentally prepared to attend the funeral for the suicide victim - he had a wife and 2 small kids...I do know I will get the strength by the time it arrives, as sometimes being of service just means showing up - even when I don't want to.
So - I have had much better holidays. I have had much worse holidays. I'm very sad and have some fear - which brings me back to Step One...I have no shame in admitting that I am again powerless as owning this will hopefully keep me more sane and my life more manageable.
I thank you for reading and welcome thoughts and prayers. I am eternally grateful that I have a place to process and a program to lean on always! (((Hugs)))
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( IAm)))))))))))))))))))))
You signalled that stuff had happened over Thanksgiving.
What else can one say? Hang in there! Don't underestimate
the part you play in the family.
...
I am so sorry--I can't tell you how much I wish you--and they--were not going through this.
Part of the grief and outrage must be because all these people are way too young to be dying. And to die of something insidious. It just feel unfair. As if fair ever had anything to do with anything. But it does get easier to let people go when they've lived a full life.
Loved the image of your going out with the meals, nevertheless.
You are the kind of person who makes things happen, so I can certainly understand your thinking that there must have been something you could have done. It's all a part of trying to make sense when there is no sense to be made, humanly speaking. And it is perhaps a part of the grief process. Is it just me? or does it seem that families in which alcoholism runs often tend to have a very high percentage of gifted, attractive, appealing, even charismatic members.
I love how you love them all. Cold, stone sober, and with years and years of recovery, you love them all. How blessed they are to have you.
Prayers for you that you get through this with your usual grace. I don't doubt that you will. Here's a thought that might help to sustain you, if you can allow yourself to have it: No doubt, you have been a blessing to each one of them, and have enhanced their lives in ways you aren't even aware of.
(((((((((((IAH))))))))))))
Temple
So very sorry to read this sad news. Ahhhh life on life's term sure can suck at times
I also found the moment that the dinners were packed and brought to the hospital very empowering. You kept it simple and did what you could in that moment. It was the Serenity Prayer in action. You did good.
You will be in my prayers as will your family, the sick and the suffering. You will intuitively know what to do concerning service to family members if you keep reaching out to your higher power asking to be guided. Emotions will be running very high with your cousin's closest family and the family of the man who died.
I hope you get some much needed rest. There's nothing else you can do today except take care of you by letting go and letting god.
Keep sharing (((Iam)) TT
If only I had said something, paid more attention, asked certain questions... and on and on. My head can take me down a million paths that essentially say "It's all YOUR fault that this happened. You could have made a difference."
I hope you can spend some time reflecting on the big difference you DID and still DO make in their lives.
I mentally beat the daylights out of myself quite easily. One practice that I've taken up over the last year is to sit down and write out all my accomplishments and good traits. That time I bought a homeless guy lunch. That time I left the hairdresser a huge tip, that time I helped my parents rescue a baby bunny from their storm window. I try to remember to keep adding to the list periodically, and then, when I'm feeling low and returning to that place of inventorying all my wrongs and short-comings, I pull out that list and read back through it and remind myself I'm not the piece of dirt my ego is trying to tell me I am.
Okay, sure, there's time for honest reflection on ourselves. That's what our 10th step is for. But it's important that I first understand what is MY responsibility and what I truly have control over before I use my daily inventory to lash myself.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing these things. Such a surreal one-two punch that came at you. I'm so grateful to know you have a program and friends in recovery that can walk you through this. Remember it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel. Just don't bully yourself into taking responsibility for things that are not yours.
Sending love and hugs.
(((IAH)))
Oh, it seems too much to bear at times....and I am so sorry for what you and loved ones are going through. Sending prayers and strength to you, IAH.
Ellen
IAH
I'm so sorry for this struggle you are currently in the midst of. Life hits us so hard at times without warning. I am thinking of you and your family and saying prayers for strength and healing. You have shown great insight and wisdom on these boards and it has been so meaningful for me personally to witness your example. I have faith that your Higher Power is walking by your side and will continue to keep you strong. Praying for continued peace and serenity.
I do have to share that my mother, who has been slipping mentally and continues to do so, started her grieving over again on Sunday after our call. She had already forgotten the news from Thursday. It made me really sad that she was really sad and then it dawned on me that there's a good chance this is going to happen each time we connect. And, right or wrong, I found it kind of funny and wondering which is worse - not remembering life's challenges or full recall...
I welcome any/all prayers - I feel them and they are greatly appreciated! I am off to golf today - a much needed break and some time in the outdoors! (((Hugs)))
I was praying/meditating before heading to the family gathering, and just filled with dread. This is not my first 'death watch' which I find to be so difficult, slow, painful, sad, etc. It gets even more complicated with the number of family members present and even more so when some are candidates for recovery.
As I was contemplating the day before me, it dawned on me that I (again) was part of the issue. I am the one who has called these events 'death watches' and I could change that if I chose to. So, here comes flying into my mind, 'Stairway to Heaven Watch' instead. I've decided that's the new name when one I love is leaving this place and moving on to the next.
My cousin is one of 6, the 3rd youngest, age 55. Her older sister said to her yesterday, "You're going to get to see Mom before me, Bitxx"...My cousin who's passing said, "Dad too! Ha-ha back @ ya Bitxx"....we all got a huge kick out of this. Humor is not a cure but can be healing! My cousin has tons of faith, and while not ready to leave her family and kids, knows and trusts in the God of her understanding. While we are still working on acceptance, she's at peace and since it's 'not about me', I'm focusing on being grateful for that, just for today.
I ask again for prayers for my family as this is going to be a very difficult time. She's got 3 kids, grown, all married and 2 grand kids.
Thank you for the update, IAH. I am so sorry about your cousin and the pain surrounding it. She does sound like she has made peace at the end of her life. I absolutely LOVE your "Stairway to Heaven Watch." It certainly turns things around and brings a peaceful, calming mindset compared to a death watch.
I am sending prayers to you and the family....indeed so difficult with children and grandchildren......sigh.....
Love to you,
Ellen
Oh I love your cousins. Thank you for sharing that. I am praying for all of you and the children and grandchildren.
Yes--Stairway to Heaven Watch. It's as if Heaven opens up a little bit when someone we love passes.
I lost my best friend when she was a few years older than your cousin is now. It took me a dozen years to feel at peace about it. I depended on her so much. Even though her life wasn't what it might have been at that point, and even though her health was going downhill, it was so hard to think of life without her and her love and wisdom. And even though I knew she was really okay and beyond pain and heartache, it was still so hard.
I'm so glad you got to get out and play. Hoping for lots of warm enough days for you. You've been such a comfort to so many here--know you are loved.
Temple
We talked last night as we gathered about how very important it is to tell those you love that you do, often...life really is precious and we just never know when we'll leave. I am sad and that's OK....it's where I am supposed to be, just for tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings. My mother and father are now coming in together, and will be here tomorrow instead of tonight. I'm grateful for one more night in my room/bed before my move-out to the 2nd floor.
I am so very sorry for your loss of two family members.
May you all feel comforted.
Hugs,
Temple