I was wondering what your thoughts are on enabling. I had never really heard the term or understood it. I struggle at times with it. My sons disease has progressed over the last few years. Progressed in a way that looks like he has regressed back to being a teenager that's out of control. After 7 years in alanon I thought I could handle the disease so when he came to me looking for a place to stay I said for a few days and I would help him. He stayed for a week then went back to his gf then a week with her then me and so on. I forgot how powerless I was. I got back on the merrygoround but I realised it quickly and after the latest crisis I told him not to come to mine i wouldnt let him in. He hasn't came back and it's been around about 3 weeks now. I've had very little contact with him. Being back in the insanity has shook me up. I began to feel quite lost and self care was beginning to go. At the moment I'm feeling bit numb about it all. Kind of enjoying the not knowing anything about anything. I've been reflecting on my part in his disease and I see that I have been propping up the disease on some level always. Trying to be a loving mum by helping out financially has been helping the disease grow in him. Being understanding and sympathetic has meant the disease has had somewhere to hide in a way. Allowing him a bed in my home has rested the disease and gave it extra energy for the next run. I have so many examples of where I have helped the disease rage within him and then rampage through our familys life. I think I've had enough. I've not worked out whether I can have any kind of relationship with him yet or if it's possible it the right thing for him and me or what kind if relationship we will be able to have if I'm committed to not hurting myself or him by enabling. Maybe it's ok to just not know anything right now. I have given him to my higher power in a deeper level I think but not through understanding any of it just through sheer surrender in some way. Thanks for reading. It was good to get out x
JerryF said
Nov 27, 2019
(((el-cee))) I remember going thru this myself and driving myself insane with guilt when I inventoried my participation with my then alcoholic/addict wife and found myself addicted to doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
I learned to constantly reach out to the winners in the program and ask for help with a honest "Please" attached to the request. I also kept a very open mind and worked on the "Courage to change the things I can" which of course was the "me" part of our back and forth. Just one of the things (simple) I learned and then stuck with was the thought force that "No is a complete sentence". It was a simple sentence and in time I found my wife relating to it when she was reaching out for me to save her from the pain of recovery. I didn't have to say it angrily or loud. Two letters making up one sentence and commitment. "No". In return my HP used her to teach me humility...."being teachable".
Keep on keeping on Sis. You have good time and experiences. ((((hugs))))
Maresie888 said
Nov 28, 2019
I think there is a boundary about helping and spouses and family of annapcoholuc get beat up. Certainky I have done more than my share of helping. Do u think that contributed to anyone's disease. No way in hell. They are responsible for their own disease
I believe it is only around addictions we get into this blame/shame scenario. Everyone around them gets tarred with the same brush
These days I have boundaries lot of boundaries. If someone is patently self destructive I have less time for them. That doesnt mean I.do not have compassion. I do. The issue is that they no longer get to come in and disrupt my life
I focus in myself. My plate is full. I have plenty going on. I have plenty of issues to attend to in my own life I always did
Am I responsible for neglecting myself by taking care of others? Absolutely
These days I will longer engage in the idea that when I helped someone else that was a bad thing. I went out of my way to help them. It didnt work. I did my best when would that ever be bad or unacceptable?
Now doing my best is putting myself first. I do plenty for my community. More than plenty. I contribute in a different way
However in my own personal life if you have a substance abuse disorder you are most certainly at Arms length. In fact the more I become aware certain people are addicted the more effort I make to detach.
Detaching generally involves putting some distance in there
Iamhere said
Nov 28, 2019
(((El-Cee))) - I hear you loud and clear and can so relate....my youngest is back 'here' currently and has been for almost a year. It's been a challenge to live my life independent o him/his disease. The premise under which he was allowed back in - I need a place to dry out so I can apply to live in a sober home...
He has made great strides in his life. He has had a job (good, decent) for the entire time. He has saved money. He has had some slips and is not in recovery. I do worry more when he's in my life than when he's living elsewhere - no doubt. Just this morning, when I woke up, all the lights were on for the 2nd floor, yet it was silent. 'This' is not a good sign as it usually means he's passed out while using. It took all that I have in me to not go check (alive or dead) and instead begin my prayers and dialogue with my HP.
I don't have any answers truly other than leaning into my HP, my program, my healthy friends, etc. I hold on to hope each day through my recovery and faith. I also am aware that a part of me can get sad around the holidays as I continue to grieve for those we've lost and for those stolen by this disease. My goal, just for today, is to do the next right thing and just be of service to me and others.
You are a great mom and work a great program. Take good care of you and trust that more will be revealed. (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Nov 28, 2019
I've seen a parent bail a kid out of jail...and I've seen a parent not bail a kid out and let him stay in jail.
I've seen a parent turn down a kid's request for $10...and I've seen a parent buy a kid a used car.
I've seen a parent allow a kid to "come home" and shower, change, get fed, and sleep at home...and I've seen a parent stand in the doorway and refuse to allow the kid to even come in to the home.
Different situations you might think. But, no, exactly the same. The only difference...was the kid. In each situation, one was drinking, using, and not wanting to get better...and the other kid was either clean and sober, or truly wanting to and doing what they needed to do in that moment, with no BS, to get clean and sober.
My thoughts on enabling are simple. I don't do it. Period. In my experience, far too many people in alanon, beginners/newcomers and seasoned people alike, collapse not enabling and severing the relationship. They collapse enabling and love. They collapse not enabling with ignoring and being mean and nasty. If you are not enabling, you don't judge yourself or your actions based upon what the alcoholic/addict thinks. When you are not enabling, the alcoholic/addict is supposed to be mad at you. They are supposed to be angry. If the alcoholic/addict is mad at you, then you are doing something right!
I can't tell you how many times I've heard...I am not enabling, I am just being a parent. I am not enabling, I am just doing what any parent would do, and so on. I get it. I am a parent. Part of being a parent, and part of being a parent facing this disease is...making the healthy decision, not the easy one. Making the right decision, not the popular one. And so on. This is an alanon perspective, not AA. Alanon addresses, speaks to, and approaches enabling, from a certain perspective...and the alanon program is a very different program than AA. It says that in opening of many meetings. So, how AA or an alcoholic approaches this, speaks to this, etc., in my mind, as it relates to my program, and alanon...how AA or an alcoholic approaches enabling is irrelevant to me. In alanon, we focus on us, our program, our recovery. That's my experience, and my perspective on my recovery and my program.
tiredtonite said
Nov 28, 2019
I think this can differ from Alanon to Alanon member. What's enabling for one person isn't to another. Ultimately, it's about feeling at peace with our decisions concerning others. If I feel at peace with it, I'm not enabling. I say this because it's not my job to try to control someone's alcoholism through withholding or giving. Sometimes you just want to give to someone you love. You're both getting something out of it that may not look healthy, normal to someone on the outside looking in but this is your family situation not theirs. These dynamic are unique to the people involved and what they are getting out of it. Alcoholics are first loved ones, then alcoholics.
I guess speaking for myself, I try to be aware of my motive when making the choices I make with relation to people I love. It's that feeling of dis-ease that can surface is usually a sign that I'm not completely sure of the choice I'm making or timing. When I lived with an active alcoholic, I gave my power away over and over again because I was afraid of losing them. It was less about death from the disease than being left by them - abandoned. I was willing to endure the chaos over the loneliness. It was a vicious cycle for me for a long time that included obsession when I didn't know where they were and fear when they were right under my nose. It was exhausting.
I learned in the program that boundaries were suppose to be the same no matter what the relationship of the person to me. That was hard for me until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired as they say. That came with guilt feelings of my own making as well as ones imposed upon by the A. But feelings aren't facts and I found it best to take the emotion out of it in order to take care of myself. You know.. we say what would you tell a friend if they were in the same situation? Often we're just full of the advice that we ourselves should take, wish we had the courage to take but don't. Basically, I had to get sick enough choose my well-being over any other person's. And that did happen very quickly because I denied myself in order to put others first.
Today, I ask hp to please lovingly guide me to take care of myself first and please take care of my loved ones. Of course the Serenity Prayer is a help as well and trying to live it.
You'll work through this in the way that's best for you. It's nice that here we can get so much es&h and use what works for our own life situation. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 28th of November 2019 01:56:16 PM
Maresie888 said
Nov 28, 2019
My experience of the alcoholic addict is that they are mad at you.whatever you do. They are especially mad about any reference to health. Then they are also mad when you are totally disabled by their choices. There is an incredible amount of self abnegation there. Nothing is their fault
I.was all too willing to try to pick up the fault box
Now I am not
I am also a far far more proficient observer these days
There are some people who go through life on numb. That is the case for many alcoholics. My younget sister who became an alcoholic as a teenager is numb. Trying to talk to her about reality interferes with her obsession to numb herself. These days I can live with her choice. I.am far more able to observe that a lot of people are not going to relate to me. I can live with that now. I am not standing on my head anymore to get their attention
I also no longer bear myself up or categorize what is recovery.and what isnt
My own recovery is my goal. It is not on some scale related to others. I am not getting a grade for it. I.welcome other people's feedback but what other people think.is not.that important to.me. That dies not.mean I.am callous and rude but I.am not so tolerant as I once was. I was a doormat that everyone stepped on. You do not get to wipe your feet on me anymore and no.is a word I.often use.
Paradoxically saying no a lot brings ne happiness
Maresie
Bo said
Dec 3, 2019
Enabling in my experience is also multi-faceted. There are many different types of enabling. While the traditional definition we hear is -- "doing something for someone else that they can do for themselves" -- often very simplistic, how enabling practically applies to our daily lives, and dealing with someone who suffers from addiction can be very, very different. For me, enabling can also be me perpetuating. Enabling can be me contributing. Enabling can me and my role. Perpetuating what? Contributing to what? Me and my role in what? In EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON. I can be contributing to the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. I can be perpetuating my behavior and the hostility. I can be perpetuating me trying to be right, trying to control, trying to force my will, and so on. For me, this can be enabling because the alcoholic/addict can either thrive on what's going on, use it, also contribute to it, perpetuate it, and so on.
If I get into a tug of war with the alcoholic/addict...what happens if I just DROP THE ROPE. No more tug of war.
If I get into a back and forth ping pong match with the alcoholic/addict...what happens if I just PUT DOWN MY PADDLE. No more back and forth ping pong match.
hotrod said
Dec 3, 2019
((((LC))) I can so identify i never wanted to accuse myself of 'enabling instead i told myself i was being a good mom until he died from this disease.
be gentle with yoorself my friend glad you reached out . sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your son
Aloha said
Dec 4, 2019
The discussion here has been great. I appreciate all the viewpoints shared thus far.
I had a thought come up in my head while reading... doesn't saying we're enabling someone also fall under the illusion that we have some kind of power over someone else's outcomes?
Maybe this falls under ignorance versus willful ignorance.
I think this is where everything has to come back to taking care of what's inside my hula-hoop, and this is where loving detachment comes in.
Before your hairs raise on the back of your neck, I'm not saying to keep on buying drugs or alcohol for the addict when you know it's killing him or her. But ceasing to participate in the addict's problems doesn't mean you're suddenly going to clear the path for the addict to finally see the light and seek recovery. I know I'm not that powerful.
To me, ceasing enabling is for our personal sanity and our self-care.
I suppose I don't care for the intoned blame that comes with the word enabling. I've heard a long-time member say if one of their loved ones is in a bad situation and they don't have money to pay for things like their diabetes medication because everything is going to alcohol, that member said she's going to buy that person her diabetes medication because she has the means to and she cannot live with herself knowing she could have helped in that way.
My sponsor often encourages me to ask how I would like to be treated and asks me "how would you treat a friend"?
In my world there's no black and white answers to these things. Some people are great at just saying "no" to everything and live comfortably with their decisions. I see far more often that most of us find ourselves in grey areas and we work out where we're okay with lending a helping hand, and where we need to draw the line to maintain our own serenity.
I do know bringing God into my life is what helps me - and handing myself and my loved ones over to the care of that Higher Power makes the biggest difference.
For me, I stopped lending assistance to the alcoholic when I felt resentments boil or I felt like I was being emotionally blackmailed into helping him. It wasn't necessarily because I felt I was doing the "right" thing for HIS recovery. I was doing it for ME and me alone.
Thanks for letting me send out random thoughts.
And as always, take what you like and leave the rest!
Laurie P said
Dec 4, 2019
Ive just gone through a similar situation with my daughter , its hard but Im seeing my role in helping her too much. Im detaching with love. One day at a time.
Iamhere said
Dec 4, 2019
Welcome to MIP Laurie - so glad you found us and glad that you jumped right in! One day at a time is my preferred strategy too! (((el-cee))) positive thoughts and prayers continue from my world....this has been an awesome topic and I am reminded again that recovery is personal, we each get to use tools as we want/need to and it's always about progress, not perfection.
As I sit her in support of 3 people I love fighting for their lives (Cancer), I've been reminded at a basic level that Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. I can see, for me, where I have some work to do as boundary rigidity may not be my best approach. (((Hugs))) to all - glad to be a part of the MIP journey this morning.
Bo said
Dec 4, 2019
We hear in meetings constantly...."Helping is hurting"
However, nothing is black and white. Right and wrong is very personal and case, person, circumstance specific.
I've seen a father stand in the front door-way, refusing to let his daughter come into the family home. I've also seen a father allow his daughter to come in, shower, eat, and sleep in the family home. Both were right, given the circumstances. In addition, both made their own, personal, decision. It is up to no one else to judge same. Each had a sponsor, talked to him, got guidance, input, etc. -- and each was willing and able to bear their consequences of their decision.
I've seen a father refuse to give a daughter $20. I've also seen the same father buy his daughter a used car. Of course each of these incidents were not on the same day or next day. Circumstances were different. The former was when she was drinking, in denial that she had a problem, didn't want to get help (because she didn't have a problem of course), etc. In short, she did not want to quit drinking and get better, get healthy. She wanted to keep doing what she was doing, and she wanted people to not only allow it, but also help her in the way she wanted help -- which meant, give me money. She wanted what she wanted and wanted people to do what she wanted and to "help" her with the help that she wanted. Her father refused. The latter is when she had hit rock bottom, quit drinking, was going to AA meetings, and truly wanted to get better. Her actions WERE CONGRUENT with her words. She got a job, took two buses to get to and from work. She was trying to get better, trying to get healthy. At that point, her father bought her a used car. But she had a track record of a few months being clean and sober. She turned her life around. She wanted help -- in a healthy way -- healthy help, help that supported to be clean and sober...NOT HELP that supported her to keep drinking! Big difference.
For me, in my experience, this enabling discussion is an alanon discussion. 100%. It is why we focus on the alanon the program and the perspective, mindset, etc., of OUR RECOVERY. Not that of the alcoholic, AA, or the like. That's my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Bo said
Dec 4, 2019
I also constantly remember something my sponsor used to tell me all the time...he said...if the alcoholic/addict is mad at you...that means you are doing something right!!!
Truth in jest.
I often think that a person might not be able to know whether or not they are enabling. I have found one of the most important, and priceless, gifts that alanon has given to me...is the opportunity for objectivity. I can and do always talk to my sponsor. He can be objective. He is not "in it" and can be a voice of reason, intellect, healthiness, and so much more.
Bo said
Dec 4, 2019
Also in my experience, there are many, many people who will say they are not enabling...and in reality they are. It could be denial, not knowing, not wanting to know, and many other things.
When someone says the alcoholic/addict is blaming them, accusing them of not loving them, not caring, abandoning them, not helping them, and so on...one thing I ask is...if you asked the alcoholic/addict if you were enabling them, what would they say? Would it be in their best interest to say "no" ? Would you believe their answer? So, why are we putting credibility and validity into that they are mad, angry, upset, etc., with you?
(((el-cee))) I remember going thru this myself and driving myself insane with guilt when I inventoried my participation with my then alcoholic/addict wife and found myself addicted to doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
I learned to constantly reach out to the winners in the program and ask for help with a honest "Please" attached to the request. I also kept a very open mind and worked on the "Courage to change the things I can" which of course was the "me" part of our back and forth. Just one of the things (simple) I learned and then stuck with was the thought force that "No is a complete sentence". It was a simple sentence and in time I found my wife relating to it when she was reaching out for me to save her from the pain of recovery. I didn't have to say it angrily or loud. Two letters making up one sentence and commitment. "No". In return my HP used her to teach me humility...."being teachable".
Keep on keeping on Sis. You have good time and experiences. ((((hugs))))
He has made great strides in his life. He has had a job (good, decent) for the entire time. He has saved money. He has had some slips and is not in recovery. I do worry more when he's in my life than when he's living elsewhere - no doubt. Just this morning, when I woke up, all the lights were on for the 2nd floor, yet it was silent. 'This' is not a good sign as it usually means he's passed out while using. It took all that I have in me to not go check (alive or dead) and instead begin my prayers and dialogue with my HP.
I don't have any answers truly other than leaning into my HP, my program, my healthy friends, etc. I hold on to hope each day through my recovery and faith. I also am aware that a part of me can get sad around the holidays as I continue to grieve for those we've lost and for those stolen by this disease. My goal, just for today, is to do the next right thing and just be of service to me and others.
You are a great mom and work a great program. Take good care of you and trust that more will be revealed. (((Hugs)))
I've seen a parent turn down a kid's request for $10...and I've seen a parent buy a kid a used car.
I've seen a parent allow a kid to "come home" and shower, change, get fed, and sleep at home...and I've seen a parent stand in the doorway and refuse to allow the kid to even come in to the home.
Different situations you might think. But, no, exactly the same. The only difference...was the kid. In each situation, one was drinking, using, and not wanting to get better...and the other kid was either clean and sober, or truly wanting to and doing what they needed to do in that moment, with no BS, to get clean and sober.
My thoughts on enabling are simple. I don't do it. Period. In my experience, far too many people in alanon, beginners/newcomers and seasoned people alike, collapse not enabling and severing the relationship. They collapse enabling and love. They collapse not enabling with ignoring and being mean and nasty. If you are not enabling, you don't judge yourself or your actions based upon what the alcoholic/addict thinks. When you are not enabling, the alcoholic/addict is supposed to be mad at you. They are supposed to be angry. If the alcoholic/addict is mad at you, then you are doing something right!
I can't tell you how many times I've heard...I am not enabling, I am just being a parent. I am not enabling, I am just doing what any parent would do, and so on. I get it. I am a parent. Part of being a parent, and part of being a parent facing this disease is...making the healthy decision, not the easy one. Making the right decision, not the popular one. And so on. This is an alanon perspective, not AA. Alanon addresses, speaks to, and approaches enabling, from a certain perspective...and the alanon program is a very different program than AA. It says that in opening of many meetings. So, how AA or an alcoholic approaches this, speaks to this, etc., in my mind, as it relates to my program, and alanon...how AA or an alcoholic approaches enabling is irrelevant to me. In alanon, we focus on us, our program, our recovery. That's my experience, and my perspective on my recovery and my program.
I think this can differ from Alanon to Alanon member. What's enabling for one person isn't to another. Ultimately, it's about feeling at peace with our decisions concerning others. If I feel at peace with it, I'm not enabling. I say this because it's not my job to try to control someone's alcoholism through withholding or giving. Sometimes you just want to give to someone you love. You're both getting something out of it that may not look healthy, normal to someone on the outside looking in but this is your family situation not theirs. These dynamic are unique to the people involved and what they are getting out of it. Alcoholics are first loved ones, then alcoholics.
I guess speaking for myself, I try to be aware of my motive when making the choices I make with relation to people I love. It's that feeling of dis-ease that can surface is usually a sign that I'm not completely sure of the choice I'm making or timing. When I lived with an active alcoholic, I gave my power away over and over again because I was afraid of losing them. It was less about death from the disease than being left by them - abandoned. I was willing to endure the chaos over the loneliness. It was a vicious cycle for me for a long time that included obsession when I didn't know where they were and fear when they were right under my nose. It was exhausting.
I learned in the program that boundaries were suppose to be the same no matter what the relationship of the person to me. That was hard for me until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired as they say. That came with guilt feelings of my own making as well as ones imposed upon by the A. But feelings aren't facts and I found it best to take the emotion out of it in order to take care of myself. You know.. we say what would you tell a friend if they were in the same situation? Often we're just full of the advice that we ourselves should take, wish we had the courage to take but don't. Basically, I had to get sick enough choose my well-being over any other person's. And that did happen very quickly because I denied myself in order to put others first.
Today, I ask hp to please lovingly guide me to take care of myself first and please take care of my loved ones. Of course the Serenity Prayer is a help as well and trying to live it.
You'll work through this in the way that's best for you. It's nice that here we can get so much es&h and use what works for our own life situation. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 28th of November 2019 01:56:16 PM
If I get into a tug of war with the alcoholic/addict...what happens if I just DROP THE ROPE. No more tug of war.
If I get into a back and forth ping pong match with the alcoholic/addict...what happens if I just PUT DOWN MY PADDLE. No more back and forth ping pong match.
be gentle with yoorself my friend glad you reached out . sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your son
I had a thought come up in my head while reading... doesn't saying we're enabling someone also fall under the illusion that we have some kind of power over someone else's outcomes?
Maybe this falls under ignorance versus willful ignorance.
I think this is where everything has to come back to taking care of what's inside my hula-hoop, and this is where loving detachment comes in.
Before your hairs raise on the back of your neck, I'm not saying to keep on buying drugs or alcohol for the addict when you know it's killing him or her. But ceasing to participate in the addict's problems doesn't mean you're suddenly going to clear the path for the addict to finally see the light and seek recovery. I know I'm not that powerful.
To me, ceasing enabling is for our personal sanity and our self-care.
I suppose I don't care for the intoned blame that comes with the word enabling. I've heard a long-time member say if one of their loved ones is in a bad situation and they don't have money to pay for things like their diabetes medication because everything is going to alcohol, that member said she's going to buy that person her diabetes medication because she has the means to and she cannot live with herself knowing she could have helped in that way.
My sponsor often encourages me to ask how I would like to be treated and asks me "how would you treat a friend"?
In my world there's no black and white answers to these things. Some people are great at just saying "no" to everything and live comfortably with their decisions. I see far more often that most of us find ourselves in grey areas and we work out where we're okay with lending a helping hand, and where we need to draw the line to maintain our own serenity.
I do know bringing God into my life is what helps me - and handing myself and my loved ones over to the care of that Higher Power makes the biggest difference.
For me, I stopped lending assistance to the alcoholic when I felt resentments boil or I felt like I was being emotionally blackmailed into helping him. It wasn't necessarily because I felt I was doing the "right" thing for HIS recovery. I was doing it for ME and me alone.
Thanks for letting me send out random thoughts.
And as always, take what you like and leave the rest!
Ive just gone through a similar situation with my daughter , its hard but Im seeing my role in helping her too much. Im detaching with love. One day at a time.
As I sit her in support of 3 people I love fighting for their lives (Cancer), I've been reminded at a basic level that Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. I can see, for me, where I have some work to do as boundary rigidity may not be my best approach. (((Hugs))) to all - glad to be a part of the MIP journey this morning.
However, nothing is black and white. Right and wrong is very personal and case, person, circumstance specific.
I've seen a father stand in the front door-way, refusing to let his daughter come into the family home. I've also seen a father allow his daughter to come in, shower, eat, and sleep in the family home. Both were right, given the circumstances. In addition, both made their own, personal, decision. It is up to no one else to judge same. Each had a sponsor, talked to him, got guidance, input, etc. -- and each was willing and able to bear their consequences of their decision.
I've seen a father refuse to give a daughter $20. I've also seen the same father buy his daughter a used car. Of course each of these incidents were not on the same day or next day. Circumstances were different. The former was when she was drinking, in denial that she had a problem, didn't want to get help (because she didn't have a problem of course), etc. In short, she did not want to quit drinking and get better, get healthy. She wanted to keep doing what she was doing, and she wanted people to not only allow it, but also help her in the way she wanted help -- which meant, give me money. She wanted what she wanted and wanted people to do what she wanted and to "help" her with the help that she wanted. Her father refused. The latter is when she had hit rock bottom, quit drinking, was going to AA meetings, and truly wanted to get better. Her actions WERE CONGRUENT with her words. She got a job, took two buses to get to and from work. She was trying to get better, trying to get healthy. At that point, her father bought her a used car. But she had a track record of a few months being clean and sober. She turned her life around. She wanted help -- in a healthy way -- healthy help, help that supported to be clean and sober...NOT HELP that supported her to keep drinking! Big difference.
For me, in my experience, this enabling discussion is an alanon discussion. 100%. It is why we focus on the alanon the program and the perspective, mindset, etc., of OUR RECOVERY. Not that of the alcoholic, AA, or the like. That's my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Truth in jest.
I often think that a person might not be able to know whether or not they are enabling. I have found one of the most important, and priceless, gifts that alanon has given to me...is the opportunity for objectivity. I can and do always talk to my sponsor. He can be objective. He is not "in it" and can be a voice of reason, intellect, healthiness, and so much more.
When someone says the alcoholic/addict is blaming them, accusing them of not loving them, not caring, abandoning them, not helping them, and so on...one thing I ask is...if you asked the alcoholic/addict if you were enabling them, what would they say? Would it be in their best interest to say "no" ? Would you believe their answer? So, why are we putting credibility and validity into that they are mad, angry, upset, etc., with you?