My A went to an AA meeting last night for the first time. Her attitude is that everyone there is way worse, shes not drinking (Today), she never got arrested (lucky), shes not drinking all day long , etc. Its exactly that attitude she needs treatment for. Not sure if she will continue....
I need: Step 3, let go and let God, live and let live, ODAT, keep it simple, listen and learn, and make this day more peaceful as the anger leaves my system. Thanks to program and all of you I know I can change my attitude and feel better shortly. And I will! Lyne
DavidG said
Nov 26, 2019
(((((((((((((((((((((( Lyne )))))))))))))))))))
Maybe its what we call 'baby steps'...
tiredtonite said
Nov 26, 2019
Hang in there Lyne. Even if she's going there kicking and screaming, she's still going. Hopefully, she'll be sharing her high opinion of herself with an AA sponsor soon instead of you. Detachment, detachment, detachment. ((hugs))) TT
Iamhere said
Nov 26, 2019
(((Lyne))) - I hear you....loud and clear! The denial that comes with this disease is well beyond my ability to relate or begin to understand. This is where I have to practice acceptance and the simple 'view' from my 'cheap seat' is that I can not understand the thinking of anyone else, especially those with a disease of the mind. Love your plan and it's carried me over and over and over again.
I have 3 (sons & Hubs) who are anti-AA. Each has their own reason/excuse/thoughts, all of which to me are very far from my own experience. While I can't change their thoughts, minds, or attitudes, I can detach and create boundaries. I have suggested that if they need to bash/complain about recovery or 12 step programs, they need to find a different ear than mine. When either of my sons bring me their issues related to this disease, I still have no problem directing them back to the phone list they got at their last AA start or an old sponsor. For my own sanity, I really have to detach as quickly as possible from their recovery/disease issues or I get in there and try to change/fix them.
Do you, keep doing you and if possible, focus on what's good. I do believe that any meeting is better than no meeting, even if nothing changes (today). Seeds have been planted, and she knows where to go should she decide to do so. (((Hugs)))
canadianguy said
Nov 26, 2019
Don't forget Step One - you are powerless.....
Hugs Lyne
JerryF said
Nov 26, 2019
I mostly go with "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" and that doesn't mean that I judge the situation as good and proper but that it happens and as it happens I am powerless over the control of it. I don't say "That's okay" and then walk away from the person, place or thing. It means I let my HP point the way that we are going and then I go that way with my HP and my recovering family. Nothing says I have to like it. ((((Hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 27, 2019
(((((Lyne))))
Lyne said
Nov 27, 2019
Thanks everyone. ODAT. All your shares well regarded. :)
Skorpi said
Nov 27, 2019
Hi Lyne, I'm feeling as if we have the SAME A... I heard last night all the reasons AA isn't going to work. Without even suggesting she go. lol. (((hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Nov 30, 2019
There are other recovery programs besides AA
I had real intense resistance to al anon.when I went there. I knew people who loved that particular meeting. I did.not relate at all.
Denial is a way to survive. For some people survival is the onjy place they will ever know.
I know people who never move beyond denial my sister being one of them.
I come up.against denial all the time. Unfortunately for me that usually means I have to put some distance in that relationship. Detachment is an art.
For me trying to make someone get into recovery is a no win solution.
Then there is the issue of wanting to manage their recovery. I can drown in that one too.
Maresie
Lyne said
Dec 1, 2019
Yes Maresie, I too have to watch my own ease of slipping back into denial, and must practice the art of detachment. Sometimes I have that down pat, and other times, not so much. My sponsor drilled it into my brain not to try and force solutions. Progress not perfection, Lyne
2HP said
Dec 2, 2019
Acceptance and Detachment were tools that helped me separate myself from him and the chaos. My anger often made me feel hopeless, like I was going down with the ship. so I believed my sponsor when she told me it was necessary to detach.
Detach from his needs, his emotions, and the control all of it had over me. Practicing detachment was a gift to myself.
However, I never found lasting happiness in detachment alone. There had to be a positive to that negative. For me, that positive was a healthy "attachment."
I began to recognize my need for an attachment to my own personal hopes and dreams. When I crawled into al-anon, I realized I never had dreams for myself, I always attached myself to everyone else's dreams.
so I began to write about... and nurture... and strengthen my own dreams. That's when my anger began to melt away. I filled an entire notebook with dreams that truly made me smile!!! and re-read it often because it lifted me every time.
I eventually understood I was never powerless to create the life I wanted. My dreams began to materialize and I have since realized that his alcoholism, along with my anger, all had a perfect purpose.
We are indeed powerless to force solutions onto someone else. but not powerless to empower ourselves... with our own hopes and dreams.
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 2nd of December 2019 10:09:58 AM
Aloha said
Dec 2, 2019
There is a GREAT audio on detachment from Tom B. that you might find helpful, Lyne:
I listened to it and my mind was just blown. I cried part way through it. It's just so amazing how in my fibers I just know all the things he spoke of, but I had to hear it vocalized from him in order for things to sink in. I hope you give it a listen. He speaks as an AA member, but truly this is an Al-Anon/co-dependent problem just as much as it's an AA problem. I file it under "emotional sobriety".
I hope you find some time to listen.
In the meantime, remember to keep the focus on you. Give yourself the love you deserve - get to meetings, participate in fellowship, offer your service. It all works.
Much love to you and prayers for your alcoholic.
Lyne said
Dec 3, 2019
Thank you so much aloha. I will surely listen to this audio. :). Lyne
Bo said
Dec 3, 2019
My experience and learning about anger is that -- I get angry...if I am focused on what the alcoholic. Period. If I focus on what they are doing, saying, not doing, not saying, why they are doing this, why they aren't doing that, why they are saying this, why they aren't saying that, and so on...I am going to be angry. While this may seem trivial or pedantic, it is actually brilliant in it's simplicity. I always remember two things:
1) Staying on, cleaning, focusing on, watching, etc., MY SIDE OF THE STREET.
2) Am I SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE
Anger can also have to do with ME having EXPECTATIONS.
Tracing the anger back, also has lead me to...me not having acceptance. Sure, everyone will "admit" they are powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic, and alcoholism. We will admit we can't get the alcoholic to stop drinking. We will admit we can't control the alcoholic or their drinking. HOWEVER...while we admit it...we often don't truly ACCEPT it. Acceptance is something completely different.
For me, anger goes back to the very beginning. Step One, Two, and Three. Acceptance, Surrender, and Let Go.
It sounds so simple, but in my experience, most people don't truly get it and rush past it.
My A went to an AA meeting last night for the first time. Her attitude is that everyone there is way worse, shes not drinking (Today), she never got arrested (lucky), shes not drinking all day long , etc. Its exactly that attitude she needs treatment for. Not sure if she will continue....
I need: Step 3, let go and let God, live and let live, ODAT, keep it simple, listen and learn, and make this day more peaceful as the anger leaves my system. Thanks to program and all of you I know I can change my attitude and feel better shortly. And I will! Lyne
(((((((((((((((((((((( Lyne )))))))))))))))))))
Maybe its what we call 'baby steps'...
Hang in there Lyne. Even if she's going there kicking and screaming, she's still going. Hopefully, she'll be sharing her high opinion of herself with an AA sponsor soon instead of you. Detachment, detachment, detachment.
((hugs))) TT
I have 3 (sons & Hubs) who are anti-AA. Each has their own reason/excuse/thoughts, all of which to me are very far from my own experience. While I can't change their thoughts, minds, or attitudes, I can detach and create boundaries. I have suggested that if they need to bash/complain about recovery or 12 step programs, they need to find a different ear than mine. When either of my sons bring me their issues related to this disease, I still have no problem directing them back to the phone list they got at their last AA start or an old sponsor. For my own sanity, I really have to detach as quickly as possible from their recovery/disease issues or I get in there and try to change/fix them.
Do you, keep doing you and if possible, focus on what's good. I do believe that any meeting is better than no meeting, even if nothing changes (today). Seeds have been planted, and she knows where to go should she decide to do so. (((Hugs)))
Don't forget Step One - you are powerless.....
Hugs Lyne
I mostly go with "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" and that doesn't mean that I judge the situation as good and proper but that it happens and as it happens I am powerless over the control of it. I don't say "That's okay" and then walk away from the person, place or thing. It means I let my HP point the way that we are going and then I go that way with my HP and my recovering family. Nothing says I have to like it. ((((Hugs))))
Acceptance and Detachment were tools that helped me separate myself from him and the chaos. My anger often made me feel hopeless, like I was going down with the ship. so I believed my sponsor when she told me it was necessary to detach.
Detach from his needs, his emotions, and the control all of it had over me. Practicing detachment was a gift to myself.
However, I never found lasting happiness in detachment alone. There had to be a positive to that negative. For me, that positive was a healthy "attachment."
I began to recognize my need for an attachment to my own personal hopes and dreams. When I crawled into al-anon, I realized I never had dreams for myself, I always attached myself to everyone else's dreams.
so I began to write about... and nurture... and strengthen my own dreams. That's when my anger began to melt away. I filled an entire notebook with dreams that truly made me smile!!! and re-read it often because it lifted me every time.
I eventually understood I was never powerless to create the life I wanted. My dreams began to materialize and I have since realized that his alcoholism, along with my anger, all had a perfect purpose.
We are indeed powerless to force solutions onto someone else. but not powerless to empower ourselves... with our own hopes and dreams.
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 2nd of December 2019 10:09:58 AM
There is a GREAT audio on detachment from Tom B. that you might find helpful, Lyne:
Tom B. Detachment
I listened to it and my mind was just blown. I cried part way through it. It's just so amazing how in my fibers I just know all the things he spoke of, but I had to hear it vocalized from him in order for things to sink in. I hope you give it a listen. He speaks as an AA member, but truly this is an Al-Anon/co-dependent problem just as much as it's an AA problem. I file it under "emotional sobriety".
I hope you find some time to listen.
In the meantime, remember to keep the focus on you. Give yourself the love you deserve - get to meetings, participate in fellowship, offer your service. It all works.
Much love to you and prayers for your alcoholic.
1) Staying on, cleaning, focusing on, watching, etc., MY SIDE OF THE STREET.
2) Am I SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE
Anger can also have to do with ME having EXPECTATIONS.
Tracing the anger back, also has lead me to...me not having acceptance. Sure, everyone will "admit" they are powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic, and alcoholism. We will admit we can't get the alcoholic to stop drinking. We will admit we can't control the alcoholic or their drinking. HOWEVER...while we admit it...we often don't truly ACCEPT it. Acceptance is something completely different.
For me, anger goes back to the very beginning. Step One, Two, and Three. Acceptance, Surrender, and Let Go.
It sounds so simple, but in my experience, most people don't truly get it and rush past it.