The most important requirement is to keep in contact with my HP and to communicate and learn what is helpful to my peace of mind and serenity.
For now; today it is contacting my sponsor and speaking to him about detachment from my Hawaiian home and moving back to the mainland for reason. The reason is to be fair, honest and just in my marriage with my spouse as she has spent 22 years here with me and mostly away from her family.
I use to live in her area, we met there and shared program there till she followed me here to become my wife. This is home for me...not her and she has put in the effort to be fair, honest and just herself.
My Higher Power told me to come back to Hawaii because my "spirit was born here" and I have yet Fair, Honest and Just are also HP's desires from me.
I have notified my sponsor who is on Maui and know he understands and agrees and also agrees that aircraft fly both ways when the need presents itself.
I carry my home with MIP in and on this computer which will travel with me and I will continue to listen, learn and share with my Ohana...family as long as I can. (((((hugs)))))
tiredtonite said
Nov 24, 2019
This is a tough one. I'm also one whose made a move but still long for my old home. I often say if I were ever to relocate, it would be the only place because of familiarity. I don't regret relocating. I truly needed the change at the time. But I had no real familiarity with my new home and that meant really having to find my way culturally, geographically etc. I'm just not up for that again and I know this. I feel like a fish out of water here sometimes but the person I love is here. I've thought about moving back and him coming with me. We've discussed it. He's very resistant but in the end I believe I could win this one. It would be at a price of course. I've visited home with him a few times and found myself caretaking him in an immense city. Although he enjoyed being there as a visitor, he isn't accustomed to having to be on high alert in crowds or the pace in general. Unlike your wife, I didn't move to his home because of him. Someone else was the catalyst for that but truly it was not love just geographical move to leave everything attached to the A in my life behind. I've lived a few places but this is the only place my significant one, my love has ever called home. He's more simple in his wants and needs than I am. And as much as he sometimes credits me for keeping him grounded as a recovering alcoholic, I tend to feel as an Alanon slipping away from step 2 more often than I care to admit that his continuous surrendering has me believing that he is adding a lot more to my life than I may be adding to his. I can be an Alanon pain in the butt at times. But I think its an easier adjustment for me to live more simply as we age than to uproot and move with him to a place that would culturally change him from somewhat unassuming to guarded and a bit lost. And what would I get? Im not who I use to be. My old home really is no longer my home. It's a part of my past. Those who are there have their lifes. I would have to be moving for myself not am expectation concerning family members because I might be disappointed. My partner and I are family first and we have no history with one another related to my hometown aside from visits. So, in a way it's enough to know he'd live there with me to be fair to me. I may not like everything about where I live but who does. At a distance. It's easy to romanticise where I use to live and long to recapture the best of it and build on that. But why not here? My hp didn't relocate.
Your offer to leave is generous, loving. New beginnings can be exciting. We miss people but open ourselves to new experiences and adventures. I wish you the best as you create new memories and friends and give and receive love from family there. Im not sure from your post if you're ready or resigned. But when you love someone.... well, you know. (((hug)) TT
JerryF said
Nov 24, 2019
TT mahalo for the ESH. Your's is always respected and supportive and appreciated. I will be going back to where my recovery started and also her back yard so I do have experience and memories and first awareness of my Higher Power. I will be leaving my culture which is a huge part of my recovery spirit and for what I am so grateful as my culture and the practice of our program are very very similar. Thanks for your support (((hugs)))
Aloha said
Nov 25, 2019
As another transplant, I hear you Jerry. It was bitter-sweet leaving Hawaii. She was my healing grounds - where I first started to "grow up" in my recovery - she took such good care of me and I miss her dearly (especially when it snows!!!) and I also miss my Hawaii Al-anon ohana dearly, as well.
I found the transition tough for me, even where meetings went. Mainland suburbia is just different from local community on the islands. I warn you that it's far easier to isolate in a big city than it is on a small (Big!) island. And even though our openings and closings are all the same no matter where you go, the culture is still different, so it took me some time and some inner attitude adjustments to build my new mainland Al-Anon family.
I know it'll happen for you, and you're correct - planes fly both directions, and since I gather you're going to be on the west coast it's even easier to hop a plane back to the islands.
The great thing about having "family" on the islands -you can bet someone's going to tell you they'd love to have you stay with them, so you don't need to worry about paying for lodging when you come back for a visit! Keep your Hawaiian airlines mileage account!
I know and trust Hawaii will always welcome you back with open arms, as she has for me. I now have a special savings account that I put money in to make visiting Hawaii once a year or every other year a thing. I was there this May for the Big Island Bash, and it was wonderful and I got to spend so much time catching up with all my family out there. It was a beautiful, special trip for sure.
Lyne said
Nov 25, 2019
Wow Jerry-What an unselfish decision you have made. I wish you peace and luck....
I made a (selfish?) decision 2 yrs ago for my sanity and recovery. I live half time away from my A near my son and his family. Its an hour away in another county. Its definitely my happy place. Because I have retired I have the time to cultivate the relationships with a very important part of my family. Im getting to be a part of my granddaughters life and quality time with my son. Unfortunately this is a constant source of contention between my spouse and myself. Nevertheless, your situation is very different. I continue to focus on Step 3have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding. Lyne
2HP said
Nov 25, 2019
Your act reminds me of our wedding vows earlier this year, written to reflect the 12 steps and traditions... more a vow to something much Greater, to the One Spirit and "new employer" who is Love and also everywhere, anywhere... vows to merge our desire for the highest good... to cooperate with each other... to harmonize... loyal to each other to demonstrate our capacity for divine loyalty... and caring for each other unselfishly... until our human love becomes the love of God.
I once had an attachment to my homeland and when I had my opportunity to go back, I was bitterly disappointed. I needed the lesson to teach ME that what I am seeking is not of this world, how often I forget I work a "spiritual" program. The recovery requirement for me is daily meditation because in that vast perspective, I am always "home" and peaceful anywhere.
From where I sit, you and your wife have BOTH rendered beautiful service to one another. I am sooo inspired and smiling here. thank you
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 25th of November 2019 07:46:39 PM
DavidG said
Nov 25, 2019
... I have thought about sponsorship recently. I haven't had a sponsor for ten years. I enjoy the readings in this group, especially. Memories of my first thirty, or so years begin to fade- and memories of my last thirty years of so seem a lot more relevant. I have read those readings over and over for all my time in Alanon. I sometimes learn something new here- new insight, especially through the sharing on each reading.
My former sponsor decided to quit Alanon for good. I decided to stay. I reflect sometimes on the "old timer" role I might assume, in the coming years, with pleasure. ...
JerryF said
Nov 25, 2019
I must tell you that your responses as usual have spoken to my heart and clearly define that we are family and your participation in my recovery is deep and real. I have not gotten to the value of my program alone for sure. I am only one of the participants and members of it.
My HP is also emotionally affected as it reads along with me and lets me know that the give and take and consequences are what was intended when I first reached the doors of the AFG even though I then didn't want to be here.
I am sending blessings to my MIP Ohana and my HP listens when I do that. I of course am not leaving MIP. You guys are like skin on my body. (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Nov 25, 2019
Brother - I appreciate your trust in HP and your program in action! How marvelous that you 'feel' - you want to be of service to your spouse and you want to show gratitude for her service to you! I've not had to depart my area of familiar ever, so really can't speak to that....I have been willing to go to 'new places' in recovery with a blind faith in the God of my understanding, and have not yet felt left out, left behind or alone.
Last week, as I was putting a list of things to do together one day, my mind was thinking, I have to .................... and I have to ................... Out of the blue, I was reminded of my first sponsor who used to say that 'have to' is negative and 'get to' is hopeful. For each thing I view as a 'have to', there are others who don't 'get to' for one reason or another. I changed my list up - and it was fun(ny) to read, "I get to vacuum", "I get to do laundry"!
There is much truth to that change in processing, thinking and attitude though. I am reminded often that no matter what is really going on in my life, I really am blessed. I circle back to where I started - I love your trust in HP, your spouse, your HP and most of all - yourself...there is much for me to learn regarding the slogan, "Home is where the heart is..." (((Hugs))) brother - love and light for you and your wife as you transplant!
Temple said
Nov 27, 2019
Oh Jerry--
You are taking this better than I am for you.
If it were some place else that you were leaving--but Hawaii!
I've never wanted to go back to any place I ever left, except for New Jersey--the climate, the openness of the people, the flowers, enough rain. But even then, the pace and the traffic would have diminished us all--we'd had enough of that after one year. I still long to find an area that is not as hectic to get to.
I've never had enough family in one place to get attached that way. So I can't think what that would be like. And the place where I grew up is a Superfund site, or should be, so there is no going back.
I hope it will be all your wife has missed. And I know you will be fine, ultimately. And I'll get over your not being in Hawaii at some point. Insert grinning Emoji.
Hugs,
Temple
Maresie888 said
Nov 28, 2019
I relocated from my home over 40 years ago. Recently I have had medical issues and I discovered that the treatment opportunities are better elsewhere
I think many of my issues as a battered child are never feeling at home anywhere. Certainly I have lived in communities where there is an abundance of recovery related options. When I first sought recovery over 30 decades ago I was very lucky to be where I was. Then I moved 50 miles away and I might as well be in another universe
Lately I have been more active in my community and I realize I have to network more
Of course when we have been somewhere for a while it is easier to find resources. Move thousands of miles away or even in my case 50 miles it is a sea change
I spent decades comparing the places I lived at. I have also I have to say s po ent decades longing for a concept of home, a place that is welcoming, safe and comfortable. I am so glad you found that in your life. There is no guarantee in change. I contemplate many changes for myself in 2020. There is no guarantee in them. Yet I know in order to grow and evolve constant change is necessary. I am constantly working to improve my life I have some things now I did not have before. I also have a group of people behind me here who support and care for me.
I wish you well on your journey there are no guarantees. Recovery is a constant sea change of challenges and fresh starts
I know growing older is a whole other fresh start. Retiring, relocating is a tremendous upheaval. Some of my friends have done it and I am astonished by their courage. Your courage is in your ability to be vulnerable and share so openly about your concerns
I am humbled by your transparency and honored to be a witness to your journey
Maresie
JerryF said
Nov 28, 2019
(((((Maresie))))) Mahalo for the thoughtful support and ESH. I like it a lot because it is hopeful. ((((hugs))))
The most important requirement is to keep in contact with my HP and to communicate and learn what is helpful to my peace of mind and serenity.
For now; today it is contacting my sponsor and speaking to him about detachment from my Hawaiian home and moving back to the mainland for reason. The reason is to be fair, honest and just in my marriage with my spouse as she has spent 22 years here with me and mostly away from her family.
I use to live in her area, we met there and shared program there till she followed me here to become my wife. This is home for me...not her and she has put in the effort to be fair, honest and just herself.
My Higher Power told me to come back to Hawaii because my "spirit was born here" and I have yet Fair, Honest and Just are also HP's desires from me.
I have notified my sponsor who is on Maui and know he understands and agrees and also agrees that aircraft fly both ways when the need presents itself.
I carry my home with MIP in and on this computer which will travel with me and I will continue to listen, learn and share with my Ohana...family as long as I can. (((((hugs)))))
TT mahalo for the ESH. Your's is always respected and supportive and appreciated. I will be going back to where my recovery started and also her back yard so I do have experience and memories and first awareness of my Higher Power. I will be leaving my culture which is a huge part of my recovery spirit and for what I am so grateful as my culture and the practice of our program are very very similar. Thanks for your support (((hugs)))
I found the transition tough for me, even where meetings went. Mainland suburbia is just different from local community on the islands. I warn you that it's far easier to isolate in a big city than it is on a small (Big!) island. And even though our openings and closings are all the same no matter where you go, the culture is still different, so it took me some time and some inner attitude adjustments to build my new mainland Al-Anon family.
I know it'll happen for you, and you're correct - planes fly both directions, and since I gather you're going to be on the west coast it's even easier to hop a plane back to the islands.
The great thing about having "family" on the islands -you can bet someone's going to tell you they'd love to have you stay with them, so you don't need to worry about paying for lodging when you come back for a visit! Keep your Hawaiian airlines mileage account!
I know and trust Hawaii will always welcome you back with open arms, as she has for me. I now have a special savings account that I put money in to make visiting Hawaii once a year or every other year a thing. I was there this May for the Big Island Bash, and it was wonderful and I got to spend so much time catching up with all my family out there. It was a beautiful, special trip for sure.
I made a (selfish?) decision 2 yrs ago for my sanity and recovery. I live half time away from my A near my son and his family. Its an hour away in another county. Its definitely my happy place. Because I have retired I have the time to cultivate the relationships with a very important part of my family. Im getting to be a part of my granddaughters life and quality time with my son. Unfortunately this is a constant source of contention between my spouse and myself. Nevertheless, your situation is very different. I continue to focus on Step 3have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding. Lyne
Your act reminds me of our wedding vows earlier this year, written to reflect the 12 steps and traditions... more a vow to something much Greater, to the One Spirit and "new employer" who is Love and also everywhere, anywhere... vows to merge our desire for the highest good... to cooperate with each other... to harmonize... loyal to each other to demonstrate our capacity for divine loyalty... and caring for each other unselfishly... until our human love becomes the love of God.
I once had an attachment to my homeland and when I had my opportunity to go back, I was bitterly disappointed. I needed the lesson to teach ME that what I am seeking is not of this world, how often I forget I work a "spiritual" program. The recovery requirement for me is daily meditation because in that vast perspective, I am always "home" and peaceful anywhere.
From where I sit, you and your wife have BOTH rendered beautiful service to one another. I am sooo inspired and smiling here. thank you
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 25th of November 2019 07:46:39 PM
My former sponsor decided to quit Alanon for good. I decided to stay. I reflect sometimes on the "old timer" role I might assume, in the coming years, with pleasure.
...
I must tell you that your responses as usual have spoken to my heart and clearly define that we are family and your participation in my recovery is deep and real. I have not gotten to the value of my program alone for sure. I am only one of the participants and members of it.
My HP is also emotionally affected as it reads along with me and lets me know that the give and take and consequences are what was intended when I first reached the doors of the AFG even though I then didn't want to be here.
I am sending blessings to my MIP Ohana and my HP listens when I do that. I of course am not leaving MIP. You guys are like skin on my body. (((((hugs)))))
Last week, as I was putting a list of things to do together one day, my mind was thinking, I have to .................... and I have to ................... Out of the blue, I was reminded of my first sponsor who used to say that 'have to' is negative and 'get to' is hopeful. For each thing I view as a 'have to', there are others who don't 'get to' for one reason or another. I changed my list up - and it was fun(ny) to read, "I get to vacuum", "I get to do laundry"!
There is much truth to that change in processing, thinking and attitude though. I am reminded often that no matter what is really going on in my life, I really am blessed. I circle back to where I started - I love your trust in HP, your spouse, your HP and most of all - yourself...there is much for me to learn regarding the slogan, "Home is where the heart is..." (((Hugs))) brother - love and light for you and your wife as you transplant!
You are taking this better than I am for you.
If it were some place else that you were leaving--but Hawaii!
I've never wanted to go back to any place I ever left, except for New Jersey--the climate, the openness of the people, the flowers, enough rain. But even then, the pace and the traffic would have diminished us all--we'd had enough of that after one year. I still long to find an area that is not as hectic to get to.
I've never had enough family in one place to get attached that way. So I can't think what that would be like. And the place where I grew up is a Superfund site, or should be, so there is no going back.
I hope it will be all your wife has missed. And I know you will be fine, ultimately. And I'll get over your not being in Hawaii at some point. Insert grinning Emoji.
Hugs,
Temple
(((((Maresie))))) Mahalo for the thoughtful support and ESH. I like it a lot because it is hopeful. ((((hugs))))