i decided to catch a flight on Wednesday to California to help my adult daughter get into a treatment facility again. She has completely gone off the rails. There is so much going on here, as I'm finding out. There was some abuse between her and her fiancé while they were both inebriated. Before I could get a flight, she tried to go cold turkey, and that turned into an ER visit with her boyfriend because of the fear of seizures. Her fiancé who also has a drinking problem, keeps flipping from being supportive, to being nasty and judgmental. He seems to be critical of alcoholism, yet he drinks to excess himself. He has no clue about what it takes to get sober. He turns mean and nasty towards her. She is so afraid he will break off the engagement, and leave her. I can handle helping her with the rehab part, but watching his treatment of her when she is so fragile, is very difficult.
Bo said
Nov 22, 2019
This type of situation is perhaps one of the most difficult. You feel hopeless and helpless because you see a child -- your child -- "killing" themselves, both literally and figuratively. I remember once professional (psychologist) told me (after my wife had what was thought a failed suicide attempt)...we were talking at length, and yes out of context he told me...you realize that if she truly wants to commit suicide, there is nothing you can do about it? You can handcuff yourself to her, but at some point, she will do it.
That aside, the helpless and hopeless aspect, the powerless aspect -- does NOT mean we do nothing. It means we can't do anything about the result that other person decides. Specifically, as I've said many times...the alcoholic/addict WILL NOT QUIT drinking or using UNLESS AND UNTIL they want to. Period. However, that does not mean that we do nothing in the moments. It means we can't do anything to get them to quit.
So...what do we do? We learn in alanon that we can do things that are healthy and supportive for us. However, they can also be healthy and supportive for the alcoholic/addict...even though they won't think so. We can do things that are compassionate and we can have compassion for the alcoholic/addict...even though they won't think so. We can do self-care, which in the overall scheme of things, are also self-care for the alcoholic/addict...but they certainly won't think so.
So, what do we do?
She is afraid he is going to break off the engagement. She is afraid he is going to leave her? So what is the very next thing in front of you? What is the very next called upon action for you?
2HP said
Nov 22, 2019
Dear friend, I dont have the experience of my loved one ASKING me for help getting into recovery or ASKING me to do anything but if they did, I would definitely have done what you did, hop on the very next flight out, to support them and their decision.
Your post doesnt say much about you and how you are doing... your feelings other than fear. or specifically what you are doing...
Please please please care of yourself since fear and stress is very very toxic to our body. in support (((big hugs)))
tiredtonite said
Nov 22, 2019
Wishing you the best of decision outcomes concerning your recovery, hers and his. ((hugs)) TT
el-cee said
Nov 22, 2019
I can relate a lot to what your going through. My son who has a drink problem and his gf are in and out of chaos. They play out the family disease just like I did with my ex and it's hard to watch and easy to get caught up in. This disease lures you in and takes your peace of kind and self care and it leaves me with fear and confusion trying to work it all out but I've found I cant work it out. I'm truly powerless and each time I get in the middle of it it screams at me how powerless I actually am. My sponsor has been telling me for a long time to let go and let God. To back off to let it all be whatever it's going to be. I have and do find it very hard. I want to change this. I dont like it. It's scary and horrid and my son and his gf take turns between victim and perpetrator. They are abusive to each other. It's the disease thriving. I've had to try again to back off ti remove myself as much as I can from his relationship his drinking his attempts at sobriety. The whole lot. I'm trying really hard to stay well out because I'm on this merrygoround with them and I know I'm part of the problem. So I need to love from a distance at the moment regardless of how I feel. It's the right thing to do but that mother voice beats me up about it but for now im staying strong and staying out of it all. My heart goes out to you. It's an awful situation and I hope you get the help and support I have got from meetings and the program. It really really works x
JerryF said
Nov 22, 2019
Your daughter has a treatment facility which is most likely manned by professionals educated and skilled at working with alcoholics and addicts active in the disease. From my experience as a former therapist in the disease with the addicts and alcoholics and facilities that cared for them I would trust that the best outcomes would come from keeping her attached to her facility and turn the rest over to the care of your and her Higher Power. As for anyone attempting to abuse another person, male, female adult or not that is what the police are for. I have and would call the police in to have them do what they are educated and trained to do also. It is against the law to assault another person and we all know that.
Our disease is cunning, powerful and baffling our recovery program offers us experience, strength and hope about what to do. "...The courage to change the things we can" tells us what is necessary to change.
This is where the bad gets worse unless the change is made. (((((prayers)))))
2HP said
Nov 23, 2019
Just want to chime in and thank everyone who participated in this thread, the love is going right to my heart...
the very topic... alongside Elcee's words about mother made me twinge a bit... recalling how I was raised by a very critical, very fearful mother... whatever I do is still never right enough even if I do it her way, she will still look for fault. Mother instilled in me much self-loathing, despair and hopelessness.
Through the guidance of the twelve steps, I have been able to make the Divine Mother my "real mother," another aspect of unlimited higher power.... always loving and accepting and welcoming me into her arms. And after resting in that good and nurturing safe place, I tend to do the next right thing for me, and for all.
Yet Bo perfectly warns me not to fall into delusion again, that no matter what I do, the alcoholics (or other fault finders) will still find fault with me, the disease in action...
Actually merely reminding me of my place - powerlessness... there is ONE who has all power (and it's not me.) I go back to putting myself, as well as my loved ones, back into divine mothers arms.
So for all who have reminded me of our slogan FIRST THINGS FIRST this morning... running back to the higher power at the very moment life feels unmanageable...THANK YOU, your words have consoled my heart...
and may our friend Buckeye Girl experience moments of that divine rest as well, whether that looks like an al-anon meeting and the loving support of our fellowship or with her sponsor or a nature walk... (((prayers))) for Buckeye Girl... another fearful mom transforming into a faithful mom... one day at a time...
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 23rd of November 2019 12:39:21 PM
Iamhere said
Nov 24, 2019
(((Buckeye))) - sending positive energy, thoughts and prayers your way for all affected/afflicted by this disease. My experience is there is no greater pain that watching a child you birthed suffer from this disease or any other. When the disease is active in my life, I find comfort in prayer, meditation and support from others in recovery (sponsor or program friends). I tend to project more when I am full of fear, so I try to stay in the present moment, get good rest and practice self-care. Huge (((Hugs)))...
Maresie888 said
Nov 30, 2019
I do not have good experience of treatment .
I know that your daughter could go from one of these emergency room visits to a treatment center or at least a detox center
I have certainly been around tremendous chaos and problems plenty of times. Intervention is a way of life for those of us in al anon and I found a way to be around that kind of chaos for a long long time.
Go to any al anon program you will hear the sagas, jail, hospital, emergency rooms
There are plenty of people around who can help you navigate through this.
I have staged my own interventions with my sister and many others
There are professionals in the emergency rooms and elsewhere who can be relied on
Then there are the recovery rooms where you can go to. Nevertheless for any of us who have stepped into that arena of intervention, recovery programs and more the tools of al anon.are extremely helpful.
Like any other tool the more you use them the better they are. The.more they ground you.
I know plenty of people who.are currently in toxic relationships. I have been in my.share if them. I can tell you quite categorically that I stayed in.all of them until they stopped working for me. On.some level being around that style of interacting worked no.matter how it appeared to others
Maresie
i decided to catch a flight on Wednesday to California to help my adult daughter get into a treatment facility again. She has completely gone off the rails. There is so much going on here, as I'm finding out. There was some abuse between her and her fiancé while they were both inebriated. Before I could get a flight, she tried to go cold turkey, and that turned into an ER visit with her boyfriend because of the fear of seizures. Her fiancé who also has a drinking problem, keeps flipping from being supportive, to being nasty and judgmental. He seems to be critical of alcoholism, yet he drinks to excess himself. He has no clue about what it takes to get sober. He turns mean and nasty towards her. She is so afraid he will break off the engagement, and leave her. I can handle helping her with the rehab part, but watching his treatment of her when she is so fragile, is very difficult.
That aside, the helpless and hopeless aspect, the powerless aspect -- does NOT mean we do nothing. It means we can't do anything about the result that other person decides. Specifically, as I've said many times...the alcoholic/addict WILL NOT QUIT drinking or using UNLESS AND UNTIL they want to. Period. However, that does not mean that we do nothing in the moments. It means we can't do anything to get them to quit.
So...what do we do? We learn in alanon that we can do things that are healthy and supportive for us. However, they can also be healthy and supportive for the alcoholic/addict...even though they won't think so. We can do things that are compassionate and we can have compassion for the alcoholic/addict...even though they won't think so. We can do self-care, which in the overall scheme of things, are also self-care for the alcoholic/addict...but they certainly won't think so.
So, what do we do?
She is afraid he is going to break off the engagement. She is afraid he is going to leave her? So what is the very next thing in front of you? What is the very next called upon action for you?
Dear friend, I dont have the experience of my loved one ASKING me for help getting into recovery or ASKING me to do anything but if they did, I would definitely have done what you did, hop on the very next flight out, to support them and their decision.
Your post doesnt say much about you and how you are doing... your feelings other than fear. or specifically what you are doing...
Please please please care of yourself since fear and stress is very very toxic to our body. in support (((big hugs)))
Wishing you the best of decision outcomes concerning your recovery, hers and his. ((hugs)) TT
Your daughter has a treatment facility which is most likely manned by professionals educated and skilled at working with alcoholics and addicts active in the disease. From my experience as a former therapist in the disease with the addicts and alcoholics and facilities that cared for them I would trust that the best outcomes would come from keeping her attached to her facility and turn the rest over to the care of your and her Higher Power. As for anyone attempting to abuse another person, male, female adult or not that is what the police are for. I have and would call the police in to have them do what they are educated and trained to do also. It is against the law to assault another person and we all know that.
Our disease is cunning, powerful and baffling our recovery program offers us experience, strength and hope about what to do. "...The courage to change the things we can" tells us what is necessary to change.
This is where the bad gets worse unless the change is made. (((((prayers)))))
Just want to chime in and thank everyone who participated in this thread, the love is going right to my heart...
the very topic... alongside Elcee's words about mother made me twinge a bit... recalling how I was raised by a very critical, very fearful mother... whatever I do is still never right enough even if I do it her way, she will still look for fault. Mother instilled in me much self-loathing, despair and hopelessness.
Through the guidance of the twelve steps, I have been able to make the Divine Mother my "real mother," another aspect of unlimited higher power.... always loving and accepting and welcoming me into her arms. And after resting in that good and nurturing safe place, I tend to do the next right thing for me, and for all.
Yet Bo perfectly warns me not to fall into delusion again, that no matter what I do, the alcoholics (or other fault finders) will still find fault with me, the disease in action...
Actually merely reminding me of my place - powerlessness... there is ONE who has all power (and it's not me.) I go back to putting myself, as well as my loved ones, back into divine mothers arms.
So for all who have reminded me of our slogan FIRST THINGS FIRST this morning... running back to the higher power at the very moment life feels unmanageable...THANK YOU, your words have consoled my heart...
and may our friend Buckeye Girl experience moments of that divine rest as well, whether that looks like an al-anon meeting and the loving support of our fellowship or with her sponsor or a nature walk... (((prayers))) for Buckeye Girl... another fearful mom transforming into a faithful mom... one day at a time...
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 23rd of November 2019 12:39:21 PM