Pain always got in the way of my meditation. And exhaustion. So then I began to focus on that- the reality. I had pain from a young age. In my teens this was mostly about migraine. The thing that set me on my journey was the pain- as I sought answers for this.

I found that in past decades that the answers were not quite there. In the last decade, especially, a lot more knowledge has surfaced. I used to get real, real angry- that the world promised to fix, or heal people- but it could not actually reach me.

Then I found that anger to be unproductive- and let go. Let go and let god.

Extremely hard to do. I didn't not have to alter my thinking so much. I had to actually address the way I thought- period.

But here I am- in fairly good shape. Still with stuff to do. 17 years ago- after being the dutiful son all my life, my dear sweet dad dis-inherited me. I had not followed the family line. Even my coming to Alanon had been an embarrassment to him.

We were forced to leave our home- and I had to start again. But by working really hard- and investing well we were able to rebuild our confidence and our finances. Thankfully I live in a district, and a country where this was possible, at the time.

At the end of this I was a train-wreck physically- but am able know to find physical healing for this. It was actually touch and go.

I do practises, which I do not mention. They are working okay. But i would not suggest anyone else try it without seeking professional help. One day- if I come across my recovery double- I will share what it took- and how I did it.

But the energy, and the effort in itself, keeps things working together.

I find group work, and group involvement is essential. I had to learn to trust- in all directions. No-body knows, but us what this entails. This is where the strength of a group comes in. Safety in numbers- very much so.  ...

And like any investment, of time and resources- there are dividends and rewards.  ...

I not only had pain- but cold as well- to deal with. This was scary- very frightening at times. I think most of us know what real fear is. An love and joy too... in about equal measure.

Above me- on the wall is a photo of Lois and Bill. My eyes often turn in their direction. It is a black and white photo- most likely  taken in the garden at Stepping Stones. I looks like they are wearing gardening clothes. They are older- in the photo and look serene and happy.

I think, deep down I took them be my real mum and dad. I read about them- more like pop stars- from the beginning. Found out all about them. So I tend to see members of Alanon, AA, and other groups as members of the wider family. People I can trust, and turn to, sometimes.

I begin to cry little as I share this... it is normal and natural. Tears of gratitude.

Thanks.