My adult daughter told me she was being verbally abused by her fiancé, but in fact it was her that has relapsed and is abusing him! She lives 2,000 miles away and as we speak, she is dead drunk and being physically abusive to her boyfriend. I begged him to stay with her so she doesn't hurt herself, but I'm trying to decided if I should get a flight tomorrow and go to her. She has been in rehab 7 times, and I've always helped to her. I need advice!
2HP said
Nov 19, 2019
Dear friend, we generally do not give "advice" but rather al-anon's guidelines are that we share from personal experience strength and hope...
For me, when I began to see the pattern of his drinking and relapsing, I decided to let him live his life as he wanted, I stopped thinking he should not act like an alcoholic. He clearly was not "done" with drinking and drugging.
But I sure was. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
so I stopped fighting a battle I could not win. Has your daughter requested your help again? How has that helped so far?
The best ESH I have is to cozy up on the couch with a cup of tea and pull out our literature to read up on Step one and detachment. Especially get back to F2F meetings and get a sponsor to help you with all this insanity. you can do this!
Iamhere said
Nov 19, 2019
Buckeye - much of what you've now discovered was a huge part of what brought me to Al-Anon. I was defending, supporting, enabling one who was deep in active disease, which included tons of untruths and major manipulation. We don't give advice in recovery but we do encourage you to seek out recovery, not for anyone else, but for you.
We often are deeply affected in ways we don't even know/understand by this disease. I can also say that each/every time I bailed out my children, I postponed their growth, transformation, etc. When I finally came to recovery, I began to truly understand more about the disease, and how I unintentionally supported it.
My best suggestion is to focus on one day at a time, try some Al-Anon meetings, and work with your sponsor. You are worth it.
Aloha said
Nov 20, 2019
I've been told the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting different results.
I discovered I was quite insane when it came to the alcoholic in my life - I kept thinking I was the answer to all his problems. If only he'd listen. He'll listen if... I rescue him, scold him, beg him, reason with him, scorn him, shame him, manipulate him...
I kept forgetting I'm not the alcoholic. I don't live in his body. I am not HIS mind. I cannot physically force him to put down a bottle, much less realign the neuro-pathways in his brain to finally go "Oh! She was right! Duh! I'll just put this bottle down and stop the shenanigans. What was I thinking?"
As others mentioned, all I did know was that I was making myself absolutely sick while I tried to twist myself into a pretzel to exact change in he who did not want to change.
I got better - sooooo so much better when I started to put myself first. I needed to learn how to do that, however, and I learned by attending face-to-face meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and participating in service.
I hope you allow yourself a break, BG. Detaching doesn't mean you don't love your daughter. It means you love her enough to allow her to grow without needing your consistent intervention.
My adult daughter told me she was being verbally abused by her fiancé, but in fact it was her that has relapsed and is abusing him! She lives 2,000 miles away and as we speak, she is dead drunk and being physically abusive to her boyfriend. I begged him to stay with her so she doesn't hurt herself, but I'm trying to decided if I should get a flight tomorrow and go to her. She has been in rehab 7 times, and I've always helped to her. I need advice!
For me, when I began to see the pattern of his drinking and relapsing, I decided to let him live his life as he wanted, I stopped thinking he should not act like an alcoholic. He clearly was not "done" with drinking and drugging.
But I sure was. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
so I stopped fighting a battle I could not win. Has your daughter requested your help again? How has that helped so far?
The best ESH I have is to cozy up on the couch with a cup of tea and pull out our literature to read up on Step one and detachment. Especially get back to F2F meetings and get a sponsor to help you with all this insanity. you can do this!
We often are deeply affected in ways we don't even know/understand by this disease. I can also say that each/every time I bailed out my children, I postponed their growth, transformation, etc. When I finally came to recovery, I began to truly understand more about the disease, and how I unintentionally supported it.
My best suggestion is to focus on one day at a time, try some Al-Anon meetings, and work with your sponsor. You are worth it.
I've been told the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting different results.
I discovered I was quite insane when it came to the alcoholic in my life - I kept thinking I was the answer to all his problems. If only he'd listen. He'll listen if... I rescue him, scold him, beg him, reason with him, scorn him, shame him, manipulate him...
I kept forgetting I'm not the alcoholic. I don't live in his body. I am not HIS mind. I cannot physically force him to put down a bottle, much less realign the neuro-pathways in his brain to finally go "Oh! She was right! Duh! I'll just put this bottle down and stop the shenanigans. What was I thinking?"
As others mentioned, all I did know was that I was making myself absolutely sick while I tried to twist myself into a pretzel to exact change in he who did not want to change.
I got better - sooooo so much better when I started to put myself first. I needed to learn how to do that, however, and I learned by attending face-to-face meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and participating in service.
I hope you allow yourself a break, BG. Detaching doesn't mean you don't love your daughter. It means you love her enough to allow her to grow without needing your consistent intervention.
Here's where you can find local Al-Anon meetings: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/