My adult daughter has relapsed again and again over the past few months after getting engaged. She has begged her boyfriend, who has a drinking problem also, to go to AA meetings and therapy with her. He refuses and says it's her problem, not his. Now he is verbally abusing her. Last weekend he got into a fist fight with s guy she was talking to when she was sober and he was drunk.This morning before work he was mocking her, and she said she couldn't believe the things he was saying to her. She called me, and because I'm worried about her, I told her to get a hotel for a couple days to let the situation cool down. She made a reservation. Now I'm feeling guilty I told her to do that.
I got several useful comments on this message board, and I appreciate those who took the time.
I feel I gave her the correct advice about going to a hotel, and getting out of harm's way, but unfortunately I'm still worried sick. She told me she didn't have any friends she could stay with, because she said had burned bridges with any friends she ever had, even AA ones. She was supposed to go to the hotel last night, but I sent her a message about 10:00p last night to see if she had checked in, and she's never answered me. I know she is an adult and I should not worry so much, but it's hard when your child lives so far away, and you can't get a grip on what's really happening.
Aloha said
Nov 19, 2019
Do you have a sponsor yet, BG? It's times like these where I find having one invaluable. I pick up the phone and call her with a loud "HELP!!!!" If she's not available I'll call another member in the program - talking things out with someone during times like these is often helpful for me instead of hoping someone happens to be on the message board at the same time as me. There's open dialect that happens that's just so helpful.
In the meantime, I know if none of those things are available to me, I just have to get myself busy so I'm not making myself bat-sh*t crazy obsessing over an issue that is ultimately out of my control. What was I going to do today if this incident had never happened? Do I need to tidy up around the house? Do I have a friend nearby whose been hurting lately who could use my help? Are my dishes done? I just handle one tiny task at a time and keep myself busy until crisis #4589 abates.
2HP said
Nov 19, 2019
"... but it's hard when your child lives so far away, and you can't get a grip on what's really happening. "
I absolutely get that. My daughter is in a third world country and on Saturday, one minute she was texting that things were not going as planned there, they were on lockdown. then I heard nothing more for the next 24 hours. Here is what I did.
I caught myself holding my phone in my hands waiting and waiting and waiting for another reply... anxieties getting stirred up... and I realized my life was feeling unmanageable ... sitting there with an attachment to another text which was not coming... not coming...
I put my phone down, closed my eyes and prayed... imagining HP holding my daughter in the blanket I use to wrap her in... she has a smile on her face and light glowing all around the two of them together. and I followed through the day with my usual spiritual routine... reading... meditating...
in short, I put my mind back on me and taking care of ME because I was now suffering. and this is the only thing I can do anything about or control. I have practiced this for many years now and it works well. I cannot be overwhelmed with anxiety and unmanageability while at the same time, focusing on my Higher power and Good thoughts....
I can also run to a meeting to get with members who are the living example of LET GO LET GOD. I also like to walk walk walk to burn off anxiety... I like using my God Box, writing down her name and listing all my fears... dropping it all in God's hands... (step three). the point is, you are experiencing anxiety as a reaction to her and her life...however you are NOT powerless to help strengthen yourself again through the use of our program... aren't you glad?!
I met someone new at a gathering over the weekend, we talked about our daughters and she explained that her daughter is homeless despite the fact that she owns rental properties and has offered one to her daughter. But her daughter chooses to live on the streets, can you imagine?! Her daughter is homeless by choice in one of the most dangerous cities in America.
Guess who was the most peaceful person in the room... fully present... fully enjoying this gathering..?!
I walked away and prayed, "Dear God, thank you, thank you, thank you for being our everything, our HOPE... and powerful enough to restore our sanity in spite of insanity... "
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 10:45:33 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 10:58:42 AM
My adult daughter has relapsed again and again over the past few months after getting engaged. She has begged her boyfriend, who has a drinking problem also, to go to AA meetings and therapy with her. He refuses and says it's her problem, not his. Now he is verbally abusing her. Last weekend he got into a fist fight with s guy she was talking to when she was sober and he was drunk.This morning before work he was mocking her, and she said she couldn't believe the things he was saying to her. She called me, and because I'm worried about her, I told her to get a hotel for a couple days to let the situation cool down. She made a reservation. Now I'm feeling guilty I told her to do that.
I got several useful comments on this message board, and I appreciate those who took the time.
I feel I gave her the correct advice about going to a hotel, and getting out of harm's way, but unfortunately I'm still worried sick. She told me she didn't have any friends she could stay with, because she said had burned bridges with any friends she ever had, even AA ones. She was supposed to go to the hotel last night, but I sent her a message about 10:00p last night to see if she had checked in, and she's never answered me. I know she is an adult and I should not worry so much, but it's hard when your child lives so far away, and you can't get a grip on what's really happening.
In the meantime, I know if none of those things are available to me, I just have to get myself busy so I'm not making myself bat-sh*t crazy obsessing over an issue that is ultimately out of my control. What was I going to do today if this incident had never happened? Do I need to tidy up around the house? Do I have a friend nearby whose been hurting lately who could use my help? Are my dishes done? I just handle one tiny task at a time and keep myself busy until crisis #4589 abates.
"... but it's hard when your child lives so far away, and you can't get a grip on what's really happening. "
I absolutely get that. My daughter is in a third world country and on Saturday, one minute she was texting that things were not going as planned there, they were on lockdown. then I heard nothing more for the next 24 hours. Here is what I did.
I caught myself holding my phone in my hands waiting and waiting and waiting for another reply... anxieties getting stirred up... and I realized my life was feeling unmanageable ... sitting there with an attachment to another text which was not coming... not coming...
I put my phone down, closed my eyes and prayed... imagining HP holding my daughter in the blanket I use to wrap her in... she has a smile on her face and light glowing all around the two of them together. and I followed through the day with my usual spiritual routine... reading... meditating...
in short, I put my mind back on me and taking care of ME because I was now suffering. and this is the only thing I can do anything about or control. I have practiced this for many years now and it works well. I cannot be overwhelmed with anxiety and unmanageability while at the same time, focusing on my Higher power and Good thoughts....
I can also run to a meeting to get with members who are the living example of LET GO LET GOD. I also like to walk walk walk to burn off anxiety... I like using my God Box, writing down her name and listing all my fears... dropping it all in God's hands... (step three). the point is, you are experiencing anxiety as a reaction to her and her life...however you are NOT powerless to help strengthen yourself again through the use of our program... aren't you glad?!
I met someone new at a gathering over the weekend, we talked about our daughters and she explained that her daughter is homeless despite the fact that she owns rental properties and has offered one to her daughter. But her daughter chooses to live on the streets, can you imagine?! Her daughter is homeless by choice in one of the most dangerous cities in America.
Guess who was the most peaceful person in the room... fully present... fully enjoying this gathering..?!
I walked away and prayed, "Dear God, thank you, thank you, thank you for being our everything, our HOPE... and powerful enough to restore our sanity in spite of insanity... "
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 10:45:33 AM
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 19th of November 2019 10:58:42 AM