Things had been trucking along pretty well in our household until yesterday. Yesterday my AH was talking about making a bigger purchase for himself and he mentioned using his bonus money for it. About 4 months or so ago we had a bit of upheaval when he asked me to figure out where all our money was going on a weekly basis and when I looked it was pretty obvious that a big chunk was going to his alcohol. It caused such a stir between us back then he eventually said "Fine my bonus each year covers my alcohol so consider that what I do with my bonus". I agreed to this. So when he brought up this big purchase and his bonus going towards it I reminded him that his bonus goes towards his alcohol. That made him angry. He was angry that I brought it up and he lashed out (as I should expect any alcoholic to do when the effects of their drinking is brought to their attention). He started talking about my spending, about my income being less than his so blah blah blah. I was pretty hurt by the lashing out that came especially implying that I was somehow not equal in our relationship and I argued with him. I told him how we have been together for almost 20 years and when he was in school I supported him and always treated him as an equal in our financial situation even when he brought in nothing and blah blah blah on went the lecture. And did I get what I wanted from him? Not really but at least it stopped his ridiculous tirade. I was so hurt and angry and we were on a walk together at the time but when I got home I needed space. I went out for a bit. Cried. raged (inside the closed car) called an al anon friend. She reminded me what was happening that I was dealing with his disease and trying to argue with it when I don't need to. I remembered that it was silly to lower myself to argue such a ridiculous thing. I am equal, I always have been equal and I always will be equal and I don't need to argue with him about it or "get him to see" how his comments were insulting. I just need to tell him his comments are insulting and take care of me. I also realized how grumpy I had been. I had what I like to call an emotional hangover from the day before. He had been seriously moody and my daughter and I were both exhausted from dealing with his mood swings. Instead of taking care of that for myself I continued to push myself to spend yet another day with him and now that his mood had subsided I was mad.
What I feel I did well yesterday was to say something. In the past I wouldn't have wanted to piss him off so I wouldn't have said something I would have hinted about it to him and then been angry and brought it up in our next argument. Instead I said it in a matter of fact way. I eventually gave myself some space from him that I needed. I took care of myself and called a program friend. I was brave enough to say something that made things uncomfortable and rocked the boat a little. That is something I would have been terrified to do another time.
What I could do differently the next time is not to get caught up in the argument. Recognize that I was dealing with the illness earlier and detach from it instead of getting sucked in. I could have not taken his moodiness so personally the day before and detached from that as well.
Thanks for reading.
Bo said
Nov 11, 2019
Thanks for sharing. I always look at these situations as "what is my role" and "what is my contribution. However, not just in the specific situation, but in the bigger picture, the global landscape.
My sponsor always suggested that I look at -- without analyzing or focusing on the alcoholic -- why is this going on? What's the real issue? The real problem?
That always helped me -- and allowed me -- to get better, to get healthy. I didn't end up with accepting unacceptable behavior, "settling" or trying to make chicken salad out of chicken poop.
All the best.
tiredtonite said
Nov 11, 2019
Hi KT, Sounds like you're satisfied with the outcome concerning your own program and this situation when all was said and done. I like your awareness concerning things to look at, things you might have done differently because it reminds me to stay in that place of humility and teachable. It also reminds me to put myself in the place of "the other." That is the toughest thing for me if I'm angry and resentful concerning something. Typically, I overreact and then regret. This can be a clear signal that I'm greatly in need of self care. It can be due to HALT or building a resentment that needs resolution. In matters of confrontation, our slogan How Important is It is my favorite. It can be hard to apply in heated moments but when I manage to, it's been beneficial to my sanity and serenity. Of course, the same can be said about confronting myself honestly but gently with the help of my hp who accepts all of me as I am. I can keep progressing with my hp's loving guidance. Wishing you the best in this situation with your husband. (((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of November 2019 12:20:24 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of November 2019 12:21:21 PM
Aloha said
Nov 11, 2019
Thanks for sharing your process, KT.
My sponsor reminds me that when I'm disturbed there's something inside me that needs looking at.
I can guarantee you probably 9 times out of 10 I'm fearful of something.
Time to let God get bigger in my world.
Have a beautiful day.
Iamhere said
Nov 11, 2019
Hey KT - love your share and I hope you see what I see which is growth, progress and program in action. I love, love, love that after telling about the conflict, you FIRST focused on what worked well or was improved! This for me was such a golden tool as I have always, always wanted tended to focus on the 'bad' first/more.
Then on to Part 2 - what can be improved! It is so easy when we're in the middle of conflict to forget some tools! I know it happens to me and then I too have to call my sponsor and sort it out. The one tool I try to keep very close to my vest always is the pause...simply because this one saves me over and over again - I can pause and then pray before I proceed!
Finances are a huge argument for most marriages. For those of us who have an A as our partner/spouse, it's magnified by the insanity of the disease. It just is what it is, and while I try to keep my side of the street clean, I am grateful for the progress in this program I've made...that's what it's all about and easy to forget - progress and not perfection.
I can recall one argument we had here many moons ago about equity. I know I was angry and did not focus on listening and instead was plotting my responses. Long story short, about a month after this argument, I delivered an invoice for my services rendered for the home - cooking, cleaning, laundry, carpooling, etc. We never had another argument over who contributed what to the family and my hourly rate was way lower than my billable rate at the time.
I do so agree with Aloha though - when I am bothered, 99% of the time, it's fear based - I'm going to lose something or not get something I 'need'....as I explore my fears each time, I am made aware (by HP) over and over again that I really do have all that I need, one day at a time! Celebrate your progress and trust your program - it's working!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 12, 2019
Love to see that you recognized the progress in your program! Thank you for sharing your process.
2HP said
Nov 12, 2019
Thank you for the share on recovering your peace with our program... what a helpful thread!!
How often my AH would flip on what he had previously said, all we had previously agreed upon... and then start gaslighting me, making ME the problem when I called it out. I would get all confused by this manipulation..
Your share is a perfect reminder for me that just because someone tells me I am the problem, it's on ME whether or not I believe it. to constantly do spot check inventory and asking myself, is this TRUE? I find that when I believe the lies, I'm biting the hook again....getting swept downstream again... (suffering.)
Part of my self-care now is asking myself," is this true?" because when "insecurity" gets stirred up in me, I fall quickly into fear fear fear. Phoning my sponsor is a quick way to validate the truth too, I am smiling at how your sponsor validated you.
My problem is never that "they" do what they do but that I am believing a dis-eased thought, something that is not true for me. That is "my part" in the insanity and what I can control...like you, it is wise to just retreat from the battle like YOU did... do some investigating on the matter.
I also love how you understand and write about another opportunity is most likely in your future... because he is not likely to change. And just like a downhill skier standing at the top of the hill seeing all the obstacles ...you know it's on YOU to plan your next moves... the turns... to successfully navigate the course.
thank you for that!!
Acceptance does not mean I have to like it. I just have to accept it.... like a Groundhog Day movie.... here we go again.... now keeping the camera lens on me.... how I'm acting/reacting this time. Great thread!!
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 12th of November 2019 10:10:03 AM
Hi There MIP peeps
Things had been trucking along pretty well in our household until yesterday. Yesterday my AH was talking about making a bigger purchase for himself and he mentioned using his bonus money for it. About 4 months or so ago we had a bit of upheaval when he asked me to figure out where all our money was going on a weekly basis and when I looked it was pretty obvious that a big chunk was going to his alcohol. It caused such a stir between us back then he eventually said "Fine my bonus each year covers my alcohol so consider that what I do with my bonus". I agreed to this. So when he brought up this big purchase and his bonus going towards it I reminded him that his bonus goes towards his alcohol. That made him angry. He was angry that I brought it up and he lashed out (as I should expect any alcoholic to do when the effects of their drinking is brought to their attention). He started talking about my spending, about my income being less than his so blah blah blah. I was pretty hurt by the lashing out that came especially implying that I was somehow not equal in our relationship and I argued with him. I told him how we have been together for almost 20 years and when he was in school I supported him and always treated him as an equal in our financial situation even when he brought in nothing and blah blah blah on went the lecture. And did I get what I wanted from him? Not really but at least it stopped his ridiculous tirade. I was so hurt and angry and we were on a walk together at the time but when I got home I needed space. I went out for a bit. Cried. raged (inside the closed car) called an al anon friend. She reminded me what was happening that I was dealing with his disease and trying to argue with it when I don't need to. I remembered that it was silly to lower myself to argue such a ridiculous thing. I am equal, I always have been equal and I always will be equal and I don't need to argue with him about it or "get him to see" how his comments were insulting. I just need to tell him his comments are insulting and take care of me. I also realized how grumpy I had been. I had what I like to call an emotional hangover from the day before. He had been seriously moody and my daughter and I were both exhausted from dealing with his mood swings. Instead of taking care of that for myself I continued to push myself to spend yet another day with him and now that his mood had subsided I was mad.
What I feel I did well yesterday was to say something. In the past I wouldn't have wanted to piss him off so I wouldn't have said something I would have hinted about it to him and then been angry and brought it up in our next argument. Instead I said it in a matter of fact way. I eventually gave myself some space from him that I needed. I took care of myself and called a program friend. I was brave enough to say something that made things uncomfortable and rocked the boat a little. That is something I would have been terrified to do another time.
What I could do differently the next time is not to get caught up in the argument. Recognize that I was dealing with the illness earlier and detach from it instead of getting sucked in. I could have not taken his moodiness so personally the day before and detached from that as well.
Thanks for reading.
My sponsor always suggested that I look at -- without analyzing or focusing on the alcoholic -- why is this going on? What's the real issue? The real problem?
That always helped me -- and allowed me -- to get better, to get healthy. I didn't end up with accepting unacceptable behavior, "settling" or trying to make chicken salad out of chicken poop.
All the best.
Hi KT, Sounds like you're satisfied with the outcome concerning your own program and this situation when all was said and done. I like your awareness concerning things to look at, things you might have done differently because it reminds me to stay in that place of humility and teachable. It also reminds me to put myself in the place of "the other." That is the toughest thing for me if I'm angry and resentful concerning something. Typically, I overreact and then regret. This can be a clear signal that I'm greatly in need of self care. It can be due to HALT or building a resentment that needs resolution. In matters of confrontation, our slogan How Important is It is my favorite. It can be hard to apply in heated moments but when I manage to, it's been beneficial to my sanity and serenity. Of course, the same can be said about confronting myself honestly but gently with the help of my hp who accepts all of me as I am. I can keep progressing with my hp's loving guidance. Wishing you the best in this situation with your husband. (((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of November 2019 12:20:24 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of November 2019 12:21:21 PM
My sponsor reminds me that when I'm disturbed there's something inside me that needs looking at.
I can guarantee you probably 9 times out of 10 I'm fearful of something.
Time to let God get bigger in my world.
Have a beautiful day.
Then on to Part 2 - what can be improved! It is so easy when we're in the middle of conflict to forget some tools! I know it happens to me and then I too have to call my sponsor and sort it out. The one tool I try to keep very close to my vest always is the pause...simply because this one saves me over and over again - I can pause and then pray before I proceed!
Finances are a huge argument for most marriages. For those of us who have an A as our partner/spouse, it's magnified by the insanity of the disease. It just is what it is, and while I try to keep my side of the street clean, I am grateful for the progress in this program I've made...that's what it's all about and easy to forget - progress and not perfection.
I can recall one argument we had here many moons ago about equity. I know I was angry and did not focus on listening and instead was plotting my responses. Long story short, about a month after this argument, I delivered an invoice for my services rendered for the home - cooking, cleaning, laundry, carpooling, etc. We never had another argument over who contributed what to the family and my hourly rate was way lower than my billable rate at the time.
I do so agree with Aloha though - when I am bothered, 99% of the time, it's fear based - I'm going to lose something or not get something I 'need'....as I explore my fears each time, I am made aware (by HP) over and over again that I really do have all that I need, one day at a time! Celebrate your progress and trust your program - it's working!!
Thank you for the share on recovering your peace with our program... what a helpful thread!!
How often my AH would flip on what he had previously said, all we had previously agreed upon... and then start gaslighting me, making ME the problem when I called it out. I would get all confused by this manipulation..
Your share is a perfect reminder for me that just because someone tells me I am the problem, it's on ME whether or not I believe it. to constantly do spot check inventory and asking myself, is this TRUE? I find that when I believe the lies, I'm biting the hook again....getting swept downstream again... (suffering.)
Part of my self-care now is asking myself," is this true?" because when "insecurity" gets stirred up in me, I fall quickly into fear fear fear. Phoning my sponsor is a quick way to validate the truth too, I am smiling at how your sponsor validated you.
My problem is never that "they" do what they do but that I am believing a dis-eased thought, something that is not true for me. That is "my part" in the insanity and what I can control...like you, it is wise to just retreat from the battle like YOU did... do some investigating on the matter.
I also love how you understand and write about another opportunity is most likely in your future... because he is not likely to change. And just like a downhill skier standing at the top of the hill seeing all the obstacles ...you know it's on YOU to plan your next moves... the turns... to successfully navigate the course.
thank you for that!!
Acceptance does not mean I have to like it. I just have to accept it.... like a Groundhog Day movie.... here we go again.... now keeping the camera lens on me.... how I'm acting/reacting this time. Great thread!!
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 12th of November 2019 10:10:03 AM