So I am waiting for EMTs to call me back and tell me where they're taking my AH.. He was on the first day of a three-day alcohol class mandated by the courts for his DWI and he has a seizure in the middle of class. I am so aggravated. I don't even feel sorry for him. I suspect that he worked himself up into such the stressed out state; and since he wasn't allowed to have any booze today, he didn't have any of his drug of choice on board. I just want a break. Is it too much to ask?
in a dark humor side note, when the EMT asked me on the phone if he has any conditions they should know about, I thought about saying "well, he just had this seizire in a class for people who drink while driving, so you draw your own conclusions."
tiredtonite said
Nov 8, 2019
Hi Fedora,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I do have some personal experience with this. More than I wish I had with my ex. The time I'd like to share about concerning a seizure is the one he had when first being admitted to rehab. He was going through withdrawal and he was in the presence of medical professionals there. Alcoholism is an illness I learned that has to be handled very carefully when someone is withdrawing. I'm not a medical professional so I won't expand on this but I did learn that it's dangerous to do this cold turkey. Usually it's done slowly an a person needs to be aided with either meds or something that helps them stabilize so they won't going into seizures. My ex was rushed by ambulance from the rehab to a hospital because of his heart rate. He was a young man at the time. It was a very nervewracking situation to get such a call from the rehab and I was very frightened for him and I have no doubt today that he must have been very frightened too. After the hospital helped, he was sent back to the rehab but was very exhausted from the episode.
I hope your husband will be ok as well. Alcoholism really takes a toll on the body, mind and spirit of user as well as the family. I hope you will continue to take care of yourself as you and your husband recover. (((hugs))) TT
Bo said
Nov 8, 2019
It's not too much to ask. A break is for you to take.
Do what's best and healthy for you...and have compassion.
Having compassion does not mean enabling, nor does it mean having to be on HIS roller-coaster.
Fedora said
Nov 8, 2019
update from the hospital. Alcohol withdrawl seizure. Soiled himself. Bit his tongue. Sounds like he's going to be admitted overnight. Attempting not to cry in public.
Iamhere said
Nov 8, 2019
(((Fedora))) - glad that you've got answers. It's very, very common for the physical withdrawal to present with seizures and much more. I guess if he's admitted, you do get your break. With my world here, I always slept way better when mine where in jail, hospital or treatment. It's perfectly OK to cry in public, as well as give yourself a break from the disease and the insanity it brings. I so can relate to being so tired of it all - do what you can to give yourself a break, breathe and rest easy - he's in good hands, just for today! Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you both!
Fedora said
Nov 8, 2019
Thank you for the support. I stepped out so they could clean the poop off, and so I can gather my thoughts. The look of pity from the nurse as she offered me a coffee was hard for me. I appreciate her kindness but I hate being here.
Am trying to formulate what I tell my kids. they know that Daddy had a seizure while he was out, and I had to go help him. I told the older one that the ambulance was maybe going to get him.
JerryF said
Nov 8, 2019
(((((Fedora))))) I am remembering the description, "cunning, powerful and baffling" and also feeling what your husband feels as the disease attempts to snatch him from the face of this earth and everything else attached. I can tell you kinda sorta what his mind is going thru from my own experiences with this chemical disease and I know how you are handling it as I remember being the spouse of my own alcoholic addict wife. I cannot accurately describe the insane loss of control and understanding then and cannot still. I read your feelings and want to weep again yet so ably hand you and your husband and children over to that power greater than myself without trying to have it come out my way.
I know this disease intimately from many angles and still bow to its cunning, powerful and baffling nature until I consider my Higher Power and our programs of recovery. I pray for peace on you. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Freetime said
Nov 9, 2019
Fedora, I'm sorry you had to experience this. I experienced this with my spouse in the past . If you need to cry, go for it -- or whatever you need to take care of yourself. Remember you are not alone. I'm sending positive thoughts to you.
Maresie888 said
Nov 9, 2019
The Nurse has seen plenty of alcohol withdrawal
I think I felt a lot.of shame when I dealt with officials of any kind. Remember alcoholism is extremely.common. Any.official nurse emts sees it e every.single.day.
You dont have to have all the answers today to.anything
When I dealt with the ex A's mother I always thought I was going to have to come up with the right way to.couch the problem.
Welcome to this group.
Maresie
Fedora said
Nov 9, 2019
Hi again. I'm finally home. Your sharing here tonight has been helpful. I came home and vacuumed the floor a bit, took out some trash, loaded the dishwasher. As they were walking me out of the unit at the hospital, the nurse said what several of you have said - everything my spouse has been experiencing over the past couple of years is all related to alcohol, and, ironically, alcohol withdrawal.
I have to be at work in about 6 hours, so I need to sleep. I'm not a stranger to hospitals because my parent was critically ill for a very long time. So it was not hard to leave the spouse there and I'm going to try and "enjoy" my day off of having to worry about what he's up to. That said, ERs give you a lot of time to think.
Bo, your statement "having compassion does not mean enabling" makes me think a lot. Somehow I've messed up compassion/supportiveness/enabling. I thought about it while I was sitting outside the ER room, the stench of feces was just blanketing my head and how much I wanted to write to my brother and my MIL to let them know, but I simply could not do it. I wanted to tell them that my AH was having this trouble but I thought, "after they get done being concerned about his survival, the conversation will inevitably turn to "and what are you going to do about this" and I have no answers.
One last question for you all who have lived this. How much memory do people have of the seizures they had, and the immediate aftermath? I'm just curious if there's a chance that my AH will come to any understanding that he's in such a precarious place, or (if he remembers none of it) if this is all destined to be fodder for another future argument surrounding what he says is my paranoia about booze?
JerryF said
Nov 9, 2019
Fedora I might suggest that you don't let the alcoholic dictate what was or was not real about the event. Alcohol is a very powerful mind and mood altering chemical which means that it changes how the brain works. It is also a memory block...he won't remember. It is anesthetic and a pain killer. Sit with the doctors and ask. I went to college on alcoholism and drug addiction partly in order to understand what my spouse was going thru and in turn me. Your husband was in another fight for his life not only his sanity. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Bo said
Nov 9, 2019
Fedora wrote:
Bo, your statement "having compassion does not mean enabling" makes me think a lot. Somehow I've messed up compassion/supportiveness/enabling. I thought about it while I was sitting outside the ER room, the stench of feces was just blanketing my head and how much I wanted to write to my brother and my MIL to let them know, but I simply could not do it. I wanted to tell them that my AH was having this trouble but I thought, "after they get done being concerned about his survival, the conversation will inevitably turn to "and what are you going to do about this" and I have no answers.
One last question for you all who have lived this. How much memory do people have of the seizures they had, and the immediate aftermath? I'm just curious if there's a chance that my AH will come to any understanding that he's in such a precarious place, or (if he remembers none of it) if this is all destined to be fodder for another future argument surrounding what he says is my paranoia about booze?
Of course you "messed up" that...THAT is part of our disease! That is a major part of our problem and why we are not healthy! The problem is not telling them and not having answers when they ask you what are you going to do about this...that's not a problem at all. The real problem is that YOU feel the need, the desire, and the obligation to have an answer for them! That's your problem! Go to face to face meetings and learn what the real answer is.
As far as how much memory...case by case. But it doesn't matter. If he remembers, hits rock bottom, he'll do what he'll do. If he doesn't, he'll do what he'll do. There doesn't have to be another future argument. You can CHANGE and not participate in the argument. That is your contribution to all of this drama, chaos, havoc and turmoil. That's your role. DON'T PLAY THAT GAME WITH HIM!
tiredtonite said
Nov 9, 2019
Fedora, Taking care of yourself will be really important now. Stay honest as you have here about the motivations behind your choices. Your Alanon sponsor and the literature and shares in face to face meetings were all so helpful for me when I was in a similar situation. Involving other family members particularly in laws brings it's own problems. Timing is everything. Is the any reason they need to know this right now or for that matter ever? I would ask myself this and i wish i had not been so new to the program when I went through this because I may have asked myself this question then. What is my responsibility to myself and others? Back then I thought everything was my responsibility concerning others. Now I know how to take care of my own well being first and work outward from there. I can't offer healthy support to anyone if I don't recognize and attend to my own needs first. This includes involving family members outside the actual situation into it by having to answer their questions, get their two cents and dealing with expectations - mine concerning them and theirs concerning me. That's alot on top of the situation itself.
Also, you seem to know that day to day life has to go on. You have a job to go to and recognize you need to be rested to carry out responsibilities aside from helping your husband as a wife. You post shows you know you have a responsibility to yourself and others and all of this shouldn't get kicked to the curb because this has happened to your husband. He's being attended to by others who can help and it will then be his job to help himself. I by no means see you as either enabling nor lacking in compassion. I see you as a spouse at the end of their rope with the drama that comes with active alcoholism. I will go a step further in saying that I resented having to deal with these episodes and figure out what to do over and over again. I was frightened I would make poor choices concerning my ex and then be blamed. I didn't feel equipped to make such choices and ultimately I became the scapegoat by my ex's family when he continued using.Yet, they themselves wanted no part in helping him and I as we experienced many crises.. They demanded updates from me and passed judgment never assigning any responsibility to their son. The belief was that this would make it personal about them somehow. They simply could not wrap their mind around alcoholism as an illness having nothing to do with their parenting so they simply decided he must just have a wife who doesn't make him happy So I would suggest knowing what you're getting into before sharing information with unrecovering family members. It can mean using loving detachment concerning.demands, inconsideration and unwarranted blame. Wishing you the best as you continue to make balanced decisions that maintain your sanity and serenity. (((hugs)) TT
Maresie888 said
Nov 9, 2019
The ex A had some major health issues. The ex A's mother never realt with it.
At one point the ex A went to the hospital. I called but I did not go in.
I think the issue with major health issues is that as partners of alcoholics we have our own health issues. We are sunny pushed aside from the equation.
When I was with the now ex A I was actually hospitalized twice. I was so run down from dealing with. The running myself down started immediately literally in weeks.
Getting enough rest is essential, getting a perspective is essential. Part of my Job is being around EMT's in.action. They deal with people at their worst day in day out
They have no repugnance about it. They also don't have any judgment.
We are all around people who.make choices to harm themselves every day. In so many ways those of us from al anon.are in a unique boat. I made myself sick with anxiety about what the now ex A will do next.
Letting go is something we all have to do every day. There is much in my life I have no.contril over. Right now it is an uphill stretch for me. sometimes we encounter up hill stretches. I try to be around people who do not #should# me. I try to make room to #breathe#
I also work on accepting up hill slots happen sometimes. I have got through plenty of them
You will too.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 9, 2019
Sending you support... you are not alone, but I know from experience that It will sure feel like it!
Reach out to others, go to those meetings. Accept help from others. Put aside the shame ( I know, easier said than done). Bo once told me, "Concentrate on doing the next best thing - whether that be laundry, shopping, taking care of kids... concentrate with laser focus." All of those things helped me to keep afloat when I seriously thought I was drowning. There were times I seriously could feel the fraying of my psyche accelerate due to the many health issues of my Ex (including this one). It was taking Bo's ESH and getting a sponsor that was key for me.
I completely understand the dichotomy of feeling compassion/love and just being "Done." It is a hard place to live.
Wishing you peace today.
Iamhere said
Nov 9, 2019
(((Fedora))) - hope today was a better day for you! My experience is that even if/when an A recalls a horrible, dangerous, life-threatening experience, that memory is short-lived as denial is so very dominating with this disease. I could give you example after example here of near-death events, prison, car wrecks, etc, etc, etc, and yet in due time (without recovery) the disease rises up again and again.
It's really easy to sit with a rational mind and wonder if 'this' will be the day/event/experience that will be 'it'....I had to learn that bottoms vary greatly by person and as morbid as it sounds, death is the bottom for many. The disease is more powerful than any person, any logic, any rational thinking, etc. We do best when we can just live one day at a time, and work to keep the focus on what we can control - ourselves.
Sending you continued thoughts, prayers and support. It took me a long while to learn how to be gentle with myself in recovery. Even if you enabled or 'other' yesterday or for the past xx years, it doesn't matter and doesn't mean failure...it just means we live and we learn and acceptance means also accepting the past does not ever change - good or bad! (((Hugs)))
Maresie888 said
Nov 10, 2019
They have saying in AA. Without recovery an alcoholic/addict will end up il, institutions or jail.
My own experience is without al.anon my health will be shredded.
I will also end up in.an Institition of course. .
Having al anon tools has been very helpful and life saving
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 10, 2019
Hoping that today is better for you.
, ,
Fedora said
Nov 10, 2019
Hi everybody. Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. They are my lifeline to sanity at this moment.
AH is making his nurses work; he went from unresponsive for about a day, to hallucinations and difficult. Ripped out his iv lines, tried to get up and leave (even though he can barely stand up, so he didn't get too far). On the plus side, his tongue swelling improved to the point he could yell at the nurses and they could actually understand that he was yelling at them. They called me and had me talk to him briefly. (I'm at my office, because it's the only room on the planet where things work like I think they are supposed to work.)
As for me, I am doing my best to take one step at a time. My local support all echoed the same things you have said - take care of Me. I did get a pretty solid night sleep but it's amazing how the restorative effects of that can be dampened by watching someone hallucinate and have them yell at you. (I'm kind of missing the "unresponsive" condition at this moment.) My children have not asked hardly any questions, nor have I offered much. I did tell them dad was wanting his ipad/phone but forgot his passwords. I have not brought them to visit their dad because I'm sure there's nothing good to come of watching your parent in this state. I started to get very worked up/anxious about how things would be when I finally do get him home but then I decided that I'll have to cross those bridges as we come to them. I am trying not to spend much time at the hospital. (God love the nursing staff. They should all be paid a million bucks a day.)
When my father was critically ill, he would have these crises which always seemed to me "as bad as it could get" but every single time, it actually got worse. He would hit a new baseline even lower than he was before, and then plateau. Most people would have been dead LONG before he passed away. (My dad survived so many episodes of aspiration pneumonia AND sepsis that we started to not take it very seriously at all. The hospital staff would just shake their heads and told us that they had rarely see anyone struggle so hard to stay alive.) It took 10 years for him to die. Even at the end, after he choked on his own vomit, he lived long enough (and was actually conscious a good chunk of the time) to spend a week gasping for air until the staff took pity on him and gave him a dose of medicine which put him out until he did eventually expire. I spent so many days/nights in the hospital chapel, begging God to either heal him or end it - but not let him live at these increasingly awful states of being. Took 10 years for that prayer to get answered. (Side note, my dad was not an alcoholic. He had a stroke after bypass surgery.)
That was a long time ago but I suddenly realized this weekend that it's happening all over again. My AH is just rolling down the road of alcoholism to his eventual destination and I am along for the ride (and the destination) whether I want to be or not. This is very hard. I guess this is life. But I am not enjoying it at All right now.
Thank you for the support. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helps.
JerryF said
Nov 10, 2019
((((Fedora))))...Keep adding your Higher Power to the picture and be surprised.
Iamhere said
Nov 10, 2019
(((Fedora))) - positive thoughts and prayers continue! Keep taking care of you and consider what you need. I fully agree with Jerry - keep your HP close!
Aloha said
Nov 11, 2019
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I had often found myself wondering with each incident with the alcoholic if perhaps THIS one would finally mark his bottom. He'd finally realize he needed to get help.
The longer I was in the program the more I learned that whenever I was thinking that, I was taking focus away from myself. I had my own bottoms to reach where powerlessness and insanity were concerned.
I think you've received a lot of wisdom from previous posts.
I'm praying you receive healing and serenity through all of this. Keep getting to your meetings. I'm not sure if you have a sponsor yet, but this kind of mayhem exercised my "HELP!" muscle quite a bit and I got pretty skilled at picking up that 1000-pound phone.
Bo said
Nov 11, 2019
Aloha wrote:
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I had often found myself wondering with each incident with the alcoholic if perhaps THIS one would finally mark his bottom. He'd finally realize he needed to get help.
The longer I was in the program the more I learned that whenever I was thinking that, I was taking focus away from myself. I had my own bottoms to reach where powerlessness and insanity were concerned.
I think you've received a lot of wisdom from previous posts.
I'm praying you receive healing and serenity through all of this. Keep getting to your meetings. I'm not sure if you have a sponsor yet, but this kind of mayhem exercised my "HELP!" muscle quite a bit and I got pretty skilled at picking up that 1000-pound phone.
I absolutely, positively think this is the best wisdom and experience for not just this situation but any situation!!! Thank you so very much for posting this. We should not be wondering if this is the alcoholic's rock bottom. Thinking that is just another version of denial of ourselves, and certainly as said -- not focusing on ourselves!!! Yes, our own bottoms...that is where recovery is for those of us who have to hit rock bottom before we get better. Others choose to get better before that and they don't need to hit rock bottom.
I never, ever, not for one moment, ever bought into the analysis of the alcoholic and the people who seem to want to educate us as to the workings, inner-thoughts, mindset, etc., of the alcoholic.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, so very much for this post!!!
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 11th of November 2019 12:33:43 PM
Maresie888 said
Nov 11, 2019
Fedora my own father died a long slow death in a nursing home. He hated the nursing home
My father lived in a lifetime of neglect
Paul Voldberdimg, a physician from San Francisco, came up with a phrase #we die as we live#
One of the good things about the 12 step.profram is that people do recover
My ex husband went into recovery. I.was not personally witness to it but his life improved. Some people do indeed recover
The resources are out there
We can recover too. I have to recover from my own neglected childhood. I have to recover from my own sense of being overwhelmed. I have to recover too.
There is no #inevitable# about drug and alcohol abuse. I know many alcoholics/addicts who I cannot fathom how they are still alive. The ex A is one of them. Some people are formidably resilient
One of my core issues us feeling #did I do enough?#
These days I have limits. I do not have to go to the wall with them when others are in trouble.
I can give myself a break and say #I did my best#
I learned how to do the best I could for myself with al anon.and it is still hard going
Every day is a new opportunity to learn to take care of myself. Only when I take care of myself can I do anything for others
Maresie
Fedora said
Nov 20, 2019
Hi everybody. Just updating to tell you that I really appreciate all your wisdom. I am doing ok. I've made some changes in my behavior with the hopes of extricating myself from the role of enabler. I finally decided that covering up AH's messes is taking too much energy, and that, while he is not yet ready to face the truth of his life, I am.
I have stopped making phone calls and doing things (like, doing his work and correspondence for him) that would cover up the fact that AH isn't mentally very functional.
I am giving serious thought to filing for divorce. My friend advised me that, before I pull that trigger, I should visit with the HR department at work, and also find an attorney, to figure out how to position myself financially. I don't know anything about divorce other than, as the breadwinner of the family, I might have to pay him alimony (which would make me very, very bitter) and share custody of the children (also unpleasant). I've never considered divorce before, but the thought of my children growing up and thinking that AH is the model of manhood makes me shiver. (understatement)
Freetime said
Nov 20, 2019
Fedora, thank you for sharing! I am so glad to hear you are making changes that work for you, and looking to get information from your HR department and an attorney. It's great to see you are gathering information. No need to take sudden actions, just do the next right thing, one baby step at a time.
Iamhere said
Nov 21, 2019
(((Fedora))) - I too am glad to hear that you're making some changes, just for today, for you! Sometimes, when we just pause long enough, we get the guidance we need to truly begin our return to sanity. As far as divorce, alimony, shared custody, etc. - certainly unknown outcomes and fearful...I remember going through all that and as suggested, needed constant reminder that I truly need to focus on one day at a time, and just the next right thing.
Gathering information and assessing the facts sounds like an awesome plan! One of the best gifts of Al-Anon for me at the time was the gift of knowing my journey was my own, my choices were my own, and there is really no wrong answers....Keep taking good care of you and be gentle with yourself! (((Hugs)))
Hi Fedora,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I do have some personal experience with this. More than I wish I had with my ex. The time I'd like to share about concerning a seizure is the one he had when first being admitted to rehab. He was going through withdrawal and he was in the presence of medical professionals there. Alcoholism is an illness I learned that has to be handled very carefully when someone is withdrawing. I'm not a medical professional so I won't expand on this but I did learn that it's dangerous to do this cold turkey. Usually it's done slowly an a person needs to be aided with either meds or something that helps them stabilize so they won't going into seizures. My ex was rushed by ambulance from the rehab to a hospital because of his heart rate. He was a young man at the time. It was a very nervewracking situation to get such a call from the rehab and I was very frightened for him and I have no doubt today that he must have been very frightened too. After the hospital helped, he was sent back to the rehab but was very exhausted from the episode.
I hope your husband will be ok as well. Alcoholism really takes a toll on the body, mind and spirit of user as well as the family. I hope you will continue to take care of yourself as you and your husband recover. (((hugs))) TT
Do what's best and healthy for you...and have compassion.
Having compassion does not mean enabling, nor does it mean having to be on HIS roller-coaster.
(((((Fedora))))) I am remembering the description, "cunning, powerful and baffling" and also feeling what your husband feels as the disease attempts to snatch him from the face of this earth and everything else attached. I can tell you kinda sorta what his mind is going thru from my own experiences with this chemical disease and I know how you are handling it as I remember being the spouse of my own alcoholic addict wife. I cannot accurately describe the insane loss of control and understanding then and cannot still. I read your feelings and want to weep again yet so ably hand you and your husband and children over to that power greater than myself without trying to have it come out my way.
I know this disease intimately from many angles and still bow to its cunning, powerful and baffling nature until I consider my Higher Power and our programs of recovery. I pray for peace on you. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I have to be at work in about 6 hours, so I need to sleep. I'm not a stranger to hospitals because my parent was critically ill for a very long time. So it was not hard to leave the spouse there and I'm going to try and "enjoy" my day off of having to worry about what he's up to. That said, ERs give you a lot of time to think.
Bo, your statement "having compassion does not mean enabling" makes me think a lot. Somehow I've messed up compassion/supportiveness/enabling. I thought about it while I was sitting outside the ER room, the stench of feces was just blanketing my head and how much I wanted to write to my brother and my MIL to let them know, but I simply could not do it. I wanted to tell them that my AH was having this trouble but I thought, "after they get done being concerned about his survival, the conversation will inevitably turn to "and what are you going to do about this" and I have no answers.
One last question for you all who have lived this. How much memory do people have of the seizures they had, and the immediate aftermath? I'm just curious if there's a chance that my AH will come to any understanding that he's in such a precarious place, or (if he remembers none of it) if this is all destined to be fodder for another future argument surrounding what he says is my paranoia about booze?
Fedora I might suggest that you don't let the alcoholic dictate what was or was not real about the event. Alcohol is a very powerful mind and mood altering chemical which means that it changes how the brain works. It is also a memory block...he won't remember. It is anesthetic and a pain killer. Sit with the doctors and ask. I went to college on alcoholism and drug addiction partly in order to understand what my spouse was going thru and in turn me. Your husband was in another fight for his life not only his sanity. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Of course you "messed up" that...THAT is part of our disease! That is a major part of our problem and why we are not healthy! The problem is not telling them and not having answers when they ask you what are you going to do about this...that's not a problem at all. The real problem is that YOU feel the need, the desire, and the obligation to have an answer for them! That's your problem! Go to face to face meetings and learn what the real answer is.
As far as how much memory...case by case. But it doesn't matter. If he remembers, hits rock bottom, he'll do what he'll do. If he doesn't, he'll do what he'll do. There doesn't have to be another future argument. You can CHANGE and not participate in the argument. That is your contribution to all of this drama, chaos, havoc and turmoil. That's your role. DON'T PLAY THAT GAME WITH HIM!
Sending you support... you are not alone, but I know from experience that It will sure feel like it!
Reach out to others, go to those meetings. Accept help from others. Put aside the shame ( I know, easier said than done). Bo once told me, "Concentrate on doing the next best thing - whether that be laundry, shopping, taking care of kids... concentrate with laser focus." All of those things helped me to keep afloat when I seriously thought I was drowning. There were times I seriously could feel the fraying of my psyche accelerate due to the many health issues of my Ex (including this one). It was taking Bo's ESH and getting a sponsor that was key for me.
I completely understand the dichotomy of feeling compassion/love and just being "Done." It is a hard place to live.
Wishing you peace today.
It's really easy to sit with a rational mind and wonder if 'this' will be the day/event/experience that will be 'it'....I had to learn that bottoms vary greatly by person and as morbid as it sounds, death is the bottom for many. The disease is more powerful than any person, any logic, any rational thinking, etc. We do best when we can just live one day at a time, and work to keep the focus on what we can control - ourselves.
Sending you continued thoughts, prayers and support. It took me a long while to learn how to be gentle with myself in recovery. Even if you enabled or 'other' yesterday or for the past xx years, it doesn't matter and doesn't mean failure...it just means we live and we learn and acceptance means also accepting the past does not ever change - good or bad! (((Hugs)))
AH is making his nurses work; he went from unresponsive for about a day, to hallucinations and difficult. Ripped out his iv lines, tried to get up and leave (even though he can barely stand up, so he didn't get too far). On the plus side, his tongue swelling improved to the point he could yell at the nurses and they could actually understand that he was yelling at them. They called me and had me talk to him briefly. (I'm at my office, because it's the only room on the planet where things work like I think they are supposed to work.)
As for me, I am doing my best to take one step at a time. My local support all echoed the same things you have said - take care of Me. I did get a pretty solid night sleep but it's amazing how the restorative effects of that can be dampened by watching someone hallucinate and have them yell at you. (I'm kind of missing the "unresponsive" condition at this moment.) My children have not asked hardly any questions, nor have I offered much. I did tell them dad was wanting his ipad/phone but forgot his passwords. I have not brought them to visit their dad because I'm sure there's nothing good to come of watching your parent in this state. I started to get very worked up/anxious about how things would be when I finally do get him home but then I decided that I'll have to cross those bridges as we come to them. I am trying not to spend much time at the hospital. (God love the nursing staff. They should all be paid a million bucks a day.)
When my father was critically ill, he would have these crises which always seemed to me "as bad as it could get" but every single time, it actually got worse. He would hit a new baseline even lower than he was before, and then plateau. Most people would have been dead LONG before he passed away. (My dad survived so many episodes of aspiration pneumonia AND sepsis that we started to not take it very seriously at all. The hospital staff would just shake their heads and told us that they had rarely see anyone struggle so hard to stay alive.) It took 10 years for him to die. Even at the end, after he choked on his own vomit, he lived long enough (and was actually conscious a good chunk of the time) to spend a week gasping for air until the staff took pity on him and gave him a dose of medicine which put him out until he did eventually expire. I spent so many days/nights in the hospital chapel, begging God to either heal him or end it - but not let him live at these increasingly awful states of being. Took 10 years for that prayer to get answered. (Side note, my dad was not an alcoholic. He had a stroke after bypass surgery.)
That was a long time ago but I suddenly realized this weekend that it's happening all over again. My AH is just rolling down the road of alcoholism to his eventual destination and I am along for the ride (and the destination) whether I want to be or not. This is very hard. I guess this is life. But I am not enjoying it at All right now.
Thank you for the support. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helps.
((((Fedora))))...Keep adding your Higher Power to the picture and be surprised.
I had often found myself wondering with each incident with the alcoholic if perhaps THIS one would finally mark his bottom. He'd finally realize he needed to get help.
The longer I was in the program the more I learned that whenever I was thinking that, I was taking focus away from myself. I had my own bottoms to reach where powerlessness and insanity were concerned.
I think you've received a lot of wisdom from previous posts.
I'm praying you receive healing and serenity through all of this. Keep getting to your meetings. I'm not sure if you have a sponsor yet, but this kind of mayhem exercised my "HELP!" muscle quite a bit and I got pretty skilled at picking up that 1000-pound phone.
I absolutely, positively think this is the best wisdom and experience for not just this situation but any situation!!! Thank you so very much for posting this. We should not be wondering if this is the alcoholic's rock bottom. Thinking that is just another version of denial of ourselves, and certainly as said -- not focusing on ourselves!!! Yes, our own bottoms...that is where recovery is for those of us who have to hit rock bottom before we get better. Others choose to get better before that and they don't need to hit rock bottom.
I never, ever, not for one moment, ever bought into the analysis of the alcoholic and the people who seem to want to educate us as to the workings, inner-thoughts, mindset, etc., of the alcoholic.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, so very much for this post!!!
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 11th of November 2019 12:33:43 PM
I have stopped making phone calls and doing things (like, doing his work and correspondence for him) that would cover up the fact that AH isn't mentally very functional.
I am giving serious thought to filing for divorce. My friend advised me that, before I pull that trigger, I should visit with the HR department at work, and also find an attorney, to figure out how to position myself financially. I don't know anything about divorce other than, as the breadwinner of the family, I might have to pay him alimony (which would make me very, very bitter) and share custody of the children (also unpleasant). I've never considered divorce before, but the thought of my children growing up and thinking that AH is the model of manhood makes me shiver. (understatement)
Gathering information and assessing the facts sounds like an awesome plan! One of the best gifts of Al-Anon for me at the time was the gift of knowing my journey was my own, my choices were my own, and there is really no wrong answers....Keep taking good care of you and be gentle with yourself! (((Hugs)))