Am new to this. I've been with my boyfriend for 14 years and we have kids together. When he drinks he becomes a bully to all of us. We try to walk away but he follows us and keeps bring up are flaws. I know we should not argue with him but we get so mad, frustrated and want to hurt him like he is hurting us. It's always the same thing the next day, he either don't remember what he did or said. He just goes on like nothing happened and we don't know what to do. We're left trying to figure out what to do. I feel like a bad mother for putting my kids through this.
Aloha said
Nov 8, 2019
Welcome, Tamara. Glad you're here.
The best suggestion I can give is to find yourself some face-to-face meetings and start attending them. You'll have access to a lot of people immediately that way, plus access to all the literature which is quite helpful.
No one here is going to tell you what to do insofar as how to handle your husband and protect your kids. This is your life, so you'll be the one who needs to make the decisions around it that you know you can be comfortable with. Al-Anon, for me, however, helped me to figure out what questions I should be asking myself and then work out what would be my best choice in any given situation.
I'll put this out as food for thought - you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. What can you do to change things for yourself and your kids that are not dependent on your husband changing? How can you feel better and safe without it all depending on the alcoholic doing something different?
Sending prayers your way for you and your family.
Painful said
Nov 8, 2019
Thank you for the link and food for thought
hotrod said
Nov 8, 2019
Welcome Tamara Please do attend an alanon meeting and you will find that you are not alone and that there are tools to learn to live with this disease
Iamhere said
Nov 8, 2019
I also send a welcome to you Tamara - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I have to also suggest that you seek out and attend Al-Anon meetings - this was a game-changer for my life and sanity. Please keep coming back here too - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery.
JerryF said
Nov 8, 2019
Aloha Tamera and welcome to the board. I fully agree with all that has already been shared with you. You didn't cause this, will not control it and cannot cure it and you have literally thousands of other who have been thru what you are going thru now and are willing to share their experience, strength and hopes with you and your kids. The Al-Anon suggestion above is what it was that saved and changed my life. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Nov 9, 2019
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Bo said
Nov 9, 2019
And you can only change you...
Maresie888 said
Nov 9, 2019
Al anon.can help.a great deal. Whatever you decide to do.
There are lots of tools in al anon
There are is also lots of support. Welcome
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 9, 2019
Welcome. I am truly sorry for what has brought you here. Life with an addicted person is hard (that is an intentional understatement).
You keep using "We." I am assuming that you are meaning you and your children? While you can't change the Qualifier, you can choose to change YOU. As you get stronger, mentally healthier, it will benefit the kids as well. You may feel overwhelmed right now... I completely understand. But sooner rather than later, look up what this type of behavior (of your BF) can do to the psyche of the children growing up in this kind of household. I must say, once I did that, I went into "Mama Bear" mode and finally found the spine to do what needed to be done. All the years before that, I thought I was doing a great job of "managing" the collateral damage caused by my spouse - It was a shocking eye-opener for me when I found out how ineffective I was!
I still make living amends to my kid for this.
Through Al-Anon, I am learning to forgive myself. Because not only did I not have the information or tools, but my ego was such that I thought I was doing a great job at "protecting" my kid.
My ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) as a parent would be to get them into AL-A-Teen. They need to understand the Three C's, and how to process Gas-Lighting. They can carry this into adulthood - that is why ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) was formed.
Wishing you strength and clarity of thought at this time.
&
tiredtonite said
Nov 10, 2019
Hi Painful,
I just wanted to join others in welcoming you to MIP. Glad you found this board and hope you'll keep coming back to share what's on your heart with us. Ideally, finding an in person Alanon meeting and beginning to work the program I found to be the best suggestion that was given to me. Having an in person connection to others who understand what you are going through can really help family members to feel less alone with it all.
The comments from the using alcoholic are hurtful but not to be believed. Alcoholism is a powerful illness which befuddles the mind of the user. We use an acronym in the Alanon program - QTIP which means quit taking it personally. Of course it's easier to say this to oneself than to send it from your mind to your heart. The words that someone who is drunk says can feel wounding but they're delivered from someone who is at the that time experiencing a lapse in sanity.
My experience with this has been that these words often are a mix of truth and lies which can make it very confusing for loving family member especially children to know what the alcoholic really feels and doesn't feel concerning them. Family members then begin to question their worth to the alcoholic and in general. In the Alanon program when the alcoholic is unrecovering and speaks to others in this manner, we say "It's the disease talking." Such talk is typically unkind, manipulative, critical, accusatory, intimidating and even self pitying.
I hope you'll continue to read the experience, strength and hope from other members here and seek out in personal Alanon meetings for an additional warm welcome, hope and recovery. Things really can get better for yourself and the family as a whole with the support of Alanon recovery. We can and do recover our lives whether the alcoholic continues drinking or not. Keep coming back. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 10th of November 2019 10:00:05 AM
Welcome, Tamara. Glad you're here.
The best suggestion I can give is to find yourself some face-to-face meetings and start attending them. You'll have access to a lot of people immediately that way, plus access to all the literature which is quite helpful.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
No one here is going to tell you what to do insofar as how to handle your husband and protect your kids. This is your life, so you'll be the one who needs to make the decisions around it that you know you can be comfortable with. Al-Anon, for me, however, helped me to figure out what questions I should be asking myself and then work out what would be my best choice in any given situation.
I'll put this out as food for thought - you don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. What can you do to change things for yourself and your kids that are not dependent on your husband changing? How can you feel better and safe without it all depending on the alcoholic doing something different?
Sending prayers your way for you and your family.
Aloha Tamera and welcome to the board. I fully agree with all that has already been shared with you. You didn't cause this, will not control it and cannot cure it and you have literally thousands of other who have been thru what you are going thru now and are willing to share their experience, strength and hopes with you and your kids. The Al-Anon suggestion above is what it was that saved and changed my life. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
And you can only change you...
Welcome. I am truly sorry for what has brought you here. Life with an addicted person is hard (that is an intentional understatement).
You keep using "We." I am assuming that you are meaning you and your children? While you can't change the Qualifier, you can choose to change YOU. As you get stronger, mentally healthier, it will benefit the kids as well. You may feel overwhelmed right now... I completely understand. But sooner rather than later, look up what this type of behavior (of your BF) can do to the psyche of the children growing up in this kind of household. I must say, once I did that, I went into "Mama Bear" mode and finally found the spine to do what needed to be done. All the years before that, I thought I was doing a great job of "managing" the collateral damage caused by my spouse - It was a shocking eye-opener for me when I found out how ineffective I was!
I still make living amends to my kid for this.
Through Al-Anon, I am learning to forgive myself. Because not only did I not have the information or tools, but my ego was such that I thought I was doing a great job at "protecting" my kid.
My ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) as a parent would be to get them into AL-A-Teen. They need to understand the Three C's, and how to process Gas-Lighting. They can carry this into adulthood - that is why ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) was formed.
Wishing you strength and clarity of thought at this time.
Hi Painful,
I just wanted to join others in welcoming you to MIP. Glad you found this board and hope you'll keep coming back to share what's on your heart with us. Ideally, finding an in person Alanon meeting and beginning to work the program I found to be the best suggestion that was given to me. Having an in person connection to others who understand what you are going through can really help family members to feel less alone with it all.
The comments from the using alcoholic are hurtful but not to be believed. Alcoholism is a powerful illness which befuddles the mind of the user. We use an acronym in the Alanon program - QTIP which means quit taking it personally. Of course it's easier to say this to oneself than to send it from your mind to your heart. The words that someone who is drunk says can feel wounding but they're delivered from someone who is at the that time experiencing a lapse in sanity.
My experience with this has been that these words often are a mix of truth and lies which can make it very confusing for loving family member especially children to know what the alcoholic really feels and doesn't feel concerning them. Family members then begin to question their worth to the alcoholic and in general. In the Alanon program when the alcoholic is unrecovering and speaks to others in this manner, we say "It's the disease talking." Such talk is typically unkind, manipulative, critical, accusatory, intimidating and even self pitying.
I hope you'll continue to read the experience, strength and hope from other members here and seek out in personal Alanon meetings for an additional warm welcome, hope and recovery. Things really can get better for yourself and the family as a whole with the support of Alanon recovery. We can and do recover our lives whether the alcoholic continues drinking or not. Keep coming back. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 10th of November 2019 10:00:05 AM