There are two concepts that strike me from todays reading. First, that we can only be concerned with ourselves and that other peoples behavior (or any of us trying to control it) will not affect our serenity. The sentence that sticks out to me along these lines is: Serenity is a matter of inner stability. When I first came to Alanon the idea of keeping the focus on myself seemed so selfish. Now I can see there is a positive form of selfishness, and it can be in the form of trying to be my best self.
The second thing that resonated with me from this page is how overwhelming it can be to try and manage other people! I have heard alcoholics talk about the addiction being a full time job. I would offer that obsessing over the behavior of others is a full time job, with overtime and no pay! I have to work at this because my life as a single parent and teacher of young children lends itself to constant management of others. Its a study of humility to know that I can work toward being a leader and manage without being controlling and overbearing.
I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday (and for some of us, an extra hour!)
Mary
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2019
Good Mornng Mary I too thought that any suggestion that i "focus on myself " would lead to only my selfish actions-- Not so when i finally picked up that tool , i started to examine my motives and finally saw what i was doing to hurt myself. I needed to stop trying to fix others and instead look at myself and lean to let o of my negative thoughts and actions. i am so pleased that i no longer try to control another as taking care of my own thoughts and actions is a full time job.
thanks doe your continued service
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 3, 2019
Thank you Mary for your dedicated service!
I completely agree: the obsession over an addicted loved one is an all-encompassing, life-draining job! As an Empath, I can attest that self-sacrificing was oh so easy! It is easy to fall into the trap of setting yourself aside for the good or "betterment" of another. Second nature.
I happen to like the constant reminder to keep the focus on myself! Even though I am divorced now, I get those reminders with daily interactions with my Kid... so I can see where being a mother and then a teacher can fuel the fire of controlling behaviors.
Thank you Betty for your share on this topic. It is amazing when we stop being afraid to examine our motives, and see how we all can grow from there!
I had totally forgotten about DST until I read Mary's post and looked at the clock... 7:30!!! I got up at 7:30 am on a Sunday!!!! LOL!
It feels good physically to have that "extra" hour of sleep! I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday!
&
DavidG said
Nov 3, 2019
Thanks Mary, for your service, Betty, and P.
It is Monday morning here in NZ- and we had a heat-wave over the weekend. We are 16 hours ahead of EST, maybe 17 hours now...
looking forward, maybe to a f@f meeting this evening- and some recovery activities over the week.
At an early meeting of Alanon one member got up and said- "It's a selfish programme!' At the time I thought to myself- 'no, its not...!' I did not say anything of course. But I said to myself- ~I don't want to be self-centred, but centred on self.~
By that meant I want to be present- living one day- at a time which was my goal.
i sought and found a balance between myself and other people- which was not conflicted. Where people had learned to listen and speak, at the same time. Where there was emotional intimacy... ...and sound flexible boundaries.
Detaching from the alcoholic situation took time. But once started there was no turning back. It was scary, at first, too.
But there are now few regrets... only hope...
-thanks...
JerryF said
Nov 3, 2019
I didn't go to my morning meeting because I was too tired from lack of sleep last night so I ate breakfast and lounged and dozed at bit. A bit later I stirred my self up and came here to my MIP computer room. I might be a bit tired still but I can get the entire message from all of you who have posted. Certainly is a Hope for Today. Mahalo for the lead Mary and you all who care to follow thru. Love and (((((hugs)))))
Jill said
Nov 5, 2019
"how overwhelming it can be to try and manage other people" made me laugh inside, because it's completely true, and it was my full time job (self-appointed and completely unsuccessful).
This reminder is always welcome. It is NOT my job. I am my job. Great start for my day.
Maresie888 said
Nov 5, 2019
I was deeply dependent in relationships. Therefore I was not able to see the difference between my needs and other people's needs
I have taken years boiling ut down to myemeu5ds
Good morning Everyone:
There are two concepts that strike me from todays reading. First, that we can only be concerned with ourselves and that other peoples behavior (or any of us trying to control it) will not affect our serenity. The sentence that sticks out to me along these lines is: Serenity is a matter of inner stability. When I first came to Alanon the idea of keeping the focus on myself seemed so selfish. Now I can see there is a positive form of selfishness, and it can be in the form of trying to be my best self.
The second thing that resonated with me from this page is how overwhelming it can be to try and manage other people! I have heard alcoholics talk about the addiction being a full time job. I would offer that obsessing over the behavior of others is a full time job, with overtime and no pay! I have to work at this because my life as a single parent and teacher of young children lends itself to constant management of others. Its a study of humility to know that I can work toward being a leader and manage without being controlling and overbearing.
I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday (and for some of us, an extra hour!)
Mary
thanks doe your continued service
I completely agree: the obsession over an addicted loved one is an all-encompassing, life-draining job! As an Empath, I can attest that self-sacrificing was oh so easy! It is easy to fall into the trap of setting yourself aside for the good or "betterment" of another. Second nature.
I happen to like the constant reminder to keep the focus on myself! Even though I am divorced now, I get those reminders with daily interactions with my Kid... so I can see where being a mother and then a teacher can fuel the fire of controlling behaviors.
Thank you Betty for your share on this topic. It is amazing when we stop being afraid to examine our motives, and see how we all can grow from there!
I had totally forgotten about DST until I read Mary's post and looked at the clock... 7:30!!! I got up at 7:30 am on a Sunday!!!! LOL!
It feels good physically to have that "extra" hour of sleep! I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday!
It is Monday morning here in NZ- and we had a heat-wave over the weekend. We are 16 hours ahead of EST, maybe 17 hours now...
looking forward, maybe to a f@f meeting this evening- and some recovery activities over the week.
At an early meeting of Alanon one member got up and said- "It's a selfish programme!' At the time I thought to myself- 'no, its not...!' I did not say anything of course. But I said to myself- ~I don't want to be self-centred, but centred on self.~
By that meant I want to be present- living one day- at a time which was my goal.
i sought and found a balance between myself and other people- which was not conflicted. Where people had learned to listen and speak, at the same time. Where there was emotional intimacy... ...and sound flexible boundaries.
Detaching from the alcoholic situation took time. But once started there was no turning back. It was scary, at first, too.
But there are now few regrets... only hope...
-thanks...
I didn't go to my morning meeting because I was too tired from lack of sleep last night so I ate breakfast and lounged and dozed at bit. A bit later I stirred my self up and came here to my MIP computer room. I might be a bit tired still but I can get the entire message from all of you who have posted. Certainly is a Hope for Today. Mahalo for the lead Mary and you all who care to follow thru. Love and (((((hugs)))))
This reminder is always welcome. It is NOT my job. I am my job. Great start for my day.