This past year has been a whirlwind with my pregnancy causing my husband to go off the deep end, a new baby, 3 rehabs, and now a new discovery of infidelity. He was away from the house for 5 months over the summer/early fall, and I let him back in after I saw that he was back to his old self and 3 months sober. Then an ugly relapsed happened, followed by me discovering he kissed a girl at his second rehab and at his third.
I was gutted. I felt completely betrayed. How could I stand by his side and bring our son to visit him through all of this, only to have him do this to me?
After reading things from other addicts' perspectives and talking to him, I actually somehow understand. He was at the lowest point in his life, ashamed of everything. He latched on to what he could identify with. Apparently this happens quite often.
My dilemma here is that I'm having a hard time with the fact that I'm at peace with this. It feels like I shouldn't be. I feel like I SHOULD completely write him off for good, but I don't want to. I'm trying to understand his suffering but create boundaries for myself. As of now, he is back in a sober living home. I told him I don't want him back at our house and I will only take our son to see him in a public place. But I don't want to immediately seek out a divorce attorney. Why? I have no idea. He has put me through misery this last year. Why am I still clinging on to the hope that he'll stay in recovery someday? I'm worried that my decisions are masked by the fantasy I have that one day we'll be a happy, healthy family. I'm only 28. I could try to move on and maybe meet someone else. But it's so, so hard to even think about giving up the last ten years of my life.
Temple said
Nov 2, 2019
Bless your heart! And welcome--
I can relate--my husband kissed a girl at a party when I was 26, and wouldn't apologize, and I just about lost my mind. I went into therapy.
He's an Engineer--and they very seldom stray, And I feel confident that it was the only incident, because he'd tell me. And it is still a tiny sore spot, decades later.
You have reached out in the right place. Others will share their experience, strength and hope. You are not alone.
Temple
Maresie888 said
Nov 2, 2019
Put down the stick a d stop beating yourself up
The ex A who zi.was with for over 7nyeaes never cheated on me. However his friends always took priority in our relationship
I.feel like there is not much literature it there for what happens when the A goes to rehab. For some of us it is hell, lots ou f feelings come up. Yet there is no support group for spouses. Expressing anger is healthy as is setting limits
I do know people who got sober and stayed sober. They did it by many different means
Some people do preserve relationships some do not. There is no definitive formula that shows who gets sober
However those who.go to.rehab are showing some effort
Whatever your husband does al.anon can help you. Learning al.anon skills can help you a great deal. Being in an al anon group especially attending meetings can really help you
Support tools and most of all unconditional regard is healing
I hope you will consider coming to al.anon for a while. I consider coming to.al anon a turning point in my life
Maresie
JerryF said
Nov 2, 2019
Aloha Kalotaxi and welcome to the board. For me you sound like you have skill in understanding and patience and willingness. Your post reminds me of a lesson I got when I first entered Al-Anon under the title of Acceptance. My third or maybe forth wife (yes we also get to relapse) was alcoholic/addict and cheating or multiple relationships were a part of her disease behaviors (yes also I was one of those) and getting into program I learned "acceptance of the fact or reality of addiction behavior". At first I ranted and raved about the immorality of it until the fellowship taught me that acceptance of the "fact" of the behavior and not the morality of it was best understanding. Alcoholics and addicts live this way and so do their partners which stopped me from judging her and to focus on my own life behaviors. I learned to stop and change my own behaviors and life and to build a relationship with my higher power.
I was no white knight in shining armor then and do better now. Thanks for dropping by and sharing with us. There is no law that says you must live a life that is wrong for you...and your son. Get into the steps and keep coming back. The last word of our 2nd step is direction for me...check it out. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Nov 3, 2019
The devil we know...is far better, more bearable, easier, more comfortable...than what we don't know.
Known vs. unknown.
Reality vs. writing our own script of what could be...wanting what we want from what is.
Justify
Rationalize
Defend
Vacillate
Acceptance does not mean we have to accept unacceptable behavior. Acceptance does not mean we have to accept everything that has occured. Acceptance doesn't mean we have to tolerate the intolerable. Acceptance doesn't mean we have to bear the unbearable.
How important is it...is not a tool we use to accept the unacceptable.
Aloha said
Nov 4, 2019
Welcome to the board. You're in the right place.
I think it's clear right now that you're not ready to make any major life-changing decisions. In fact when we first come into Al-Anon we're often encouraged not to make any major changes for at least the first six months, because we need that time to start to untangle ourselves from the alcoholic and learn what is our mess and responsibility and what is theirs.
I've been encouraged to honor my feelings as they are at the moment and then pray for further knowledge and the power to carry out any actions in the interim.
The only advice I will give you is to find yourself some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings and get to them. Try at least six different ones in as short a time as possible so you get a good feel for the meetings and the people attending. If you're finding the meetings resonate with you, find yourself a couple good ones that you like and attend them weekly. Then start looking for a sponsor and start working the steps.
It is through those actions - listening to others sharing, reading the literature, reasoning things out with a sponsor, working the steps, that you will start to find your answers for yourself on what is acceptable for YOU (not me, not your neighbor, not a friend... YOU) and what is not. You will work out whether you are in denial or not. You will work out what are realistic actions for you and what are not. But the important thing is that you have to be the one making these decisions for yourself as you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions.
In the meantime your Al-Anon family is here to support you as you work through and discover what is right for you.
Keep coming back.
H1 said
Nov 7, 2019
My other half went to rehab in July, met a woman there and has been secretly seeing her ever since. I found out everything on Monday.
Every time he said he was going to stay with a friend from rehab he was actually with her. They have been sleeping together for months.
I've turned myself inside out over the past 4 days trying to decide what to do. This is so horrible and he relapsed as soon as He admitted it all. And has been drinking ever since.
Such a mess.
JerryF said
Nov 7, 2019
Hannah he is responsible for his recovery and his actions....You did not cause this, won't be able to control it and surely cannot cure it. Drinker/user or not he is responsible. Let him own it without your approval and/or disapproval. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions.
You are responsible for your self and those outcomes.
My alcoholic/addict wife practiced her infidelity while we were married which was good reason for me to separate and then divorce. It wasn't only about "the other guys" and also included health and finances and child care.
If you haven't found a home Al-Anon group, the literature, fellowship and sponsor that is where I was started and that is what changed my life for the better...much better. Keep coming back cause this works when we work it. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 7th of November 2019 07:10:01 PM
Bo said
Nov 8, 2019
I read so much of this over and over and over again. It's sad when we struggle. It's painful. There is an almost foolish irony that the alcoholic keeps doing what they are doing -- what they in reality really want to do, contrary to their claims against that -- and we, the loved ones, have to deal with, handle, clean up, and live with, the fallout, the consequences, the byproducts, and so on.
We are direct and collateral damage.
Question...is this the life you want to live.
Question...nothing changes if nothing changes, so if nothing changed for one month, is this the way you want to live? 3 months? 6? One year? And so on.
hotrod said
Nov 8, 2019
Welcome you are bot alone Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend . we offer itersture and tolls to use when living with the disease
Iamhere said
Nov 8, 2019
(((H1))) - welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am so, so sorry for what brought you here. I am another who suggests you seek out local Al-Anon meetings and attend. I had my own doubts when I was so broken as the wife/mother of alcoholic/addicts yet found others there who truly understood, listened without judgement and offered me a safe place to rest, recover and learn how to heal/deal from the affects of this disease.
You truly are not alone - keep coming back!
H1 said
Nov 9, 2019
Thank you everyone for the instant feeling of acceptance and the kind advice. I have been thinking about my closest physical group since he went into rehab. Even messaged them once, just haven't made it there.
I think logically i know it's not my fault, I'm just watching him spiral down this dark path and I desperately want to help stop it.
Bo said
Nov 9, 2019
Watch and help yourself. Do it for YOU...For your CHILDREN.
Children are entitled...they need...one sane and healthy parent. You have to be that parent.
Bless your heart! And welcome--
I can relate--my husband kissed a girl at a party when I was 26, and wouldn't apologize, and I just about lost my mind. I went into therapy.
He's an Engineer--and they very seldom stray, And I feel confident that it was the only incident, because he'd tell me. And it is still a tiny sore spot, decades later.
You have reached out in the right place. Others will share their experience, strength and hope. You are not alone.
Temple
Aloha Kalotaxi and welcome to the board. For me you sound like you have skill in understanding and patience and willingness. Your post reminds me of a lesson I got when I first entered Al-Anon under the title of Acceptance. My third or maybe forth wife (yes we also get to relapse) was alcoholic/addict and cheating or multiple relationships were a part of her disease behaviors (yes also I was one of those) and getting into program I learned "acceptance of the fact or reality of addiction behavior". At first I ranted and raved about the immorality of it until the fellowship taught me that acceptance of the "fact" of the behavior and not the morality of it was best understanding. Alcoholics and addicts live this way and so do their partners which stopped me from judging her and to focus on my own life behaviors. I learned to stop and change my own behaviors and life and to build a relationship with my higher power.
I was no white knight in shining armor then and do better now. Thanks for dropping by and sharing with us. There is no law that says you must live a life that is wrong for you...and your son. Get into the steps and keep coming back. The last word of our 2nd step is direction for me...check it out. ((((hugs))))
Known vs. unknown.
Reality vs. writing our own script of what could be...wanting what we want from what is.
Justify
Rationalize
Defend
Vacillate
Acceptance does not mean we have to accept unacceptable behavior. Acceptance does not mean we have to accept everything that has occured. Acceptance doesn't mean we have to tolerate the intolerable. Acceptance doesn't mean we have to bear the unbearable.
How important is it...is not a tool we use to accept the unacceptable.
I think it's clear right now that you're not ready to make any major life-changing decisions. In fact when we first come into Al-Anon we're often encouraged not to make any major changes for at least the first six months, because we need that time to start to untangle ourselves from the alcoholic and learn what is our mess and responsibility and what is theirs.
I've been encouraged to honor my feelings as they are at the moment and then pray for further knowledge and the power to carry out any actions in the interim.
The only advice I will give you is to find yourself some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings and get to them. Try at least six different ones in as short a time as possible so you get a good feel for the meetings and the people attending. If you're finding the meetings resonate with you, find yourself a couple good ones that you like and attend them weekly. Then start looking for a sponsor and start working the steps.
It is through those actions - listening to others sharing, reading the literature, reasoning things out with a sponsor, working the steps, that you will start to find your answers for yourself on what is acceptable for YOU (not me, not your neighbor, not a friend... YOU) and what is not. You will work out whether you are in denial or not. You will work out what are realistic actions for you and what are not. But the important thing is that you have to be the one making these decisions for yourself as you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions.
In the meantime your Al-Anon family is here to support you as you work through and discover what is right for you.
Keep coming back.
Every time he said he was going to stay with a friend from rehab he was actually with her. They have been sleeping together for months.
I've turned myself inside out over the past 4 days trying to decide what to do. This is so horrible and he relapsed as soon as He admitted it all. And has been drinking ever since.
Such a mess.
Hannah he is responsible for his recovery and his actions....You did not cause this, won't be able to control it and surely cannot cure it. Drinker/user or not he is responsible. Let him own it without your approval and/or disapproval. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions.
You are responsible for your self and those outcomes.
My alcoholic/addict wife practiced her infidelity while we were married which was good reason for me to separate and then divorce. It wasn't only about "the other guys" and also included health and finances and child care.
If you haven't found a home Al-Anon group, the literature, fellowship and sponsor that is where I was started and that is what changed my life for the better...much better. Keep coming back cause this works when we work it. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 7th of November 2019 07:10:01 PM
We are direct and collateral damage.
Question...is this the life you want to live.
Question...nothing changes if nothing changes, so if nothing changed for one month, is this the way you want to live? 3 months? 6? One year? And so on.
You truly are not alone - keep coming back!
Children are entitled...they need...one sane and healthy parent. You have to be that parent.