Hello. Years since Ive been here. Sadly my AH has not chosen to help himself all this time and I cannot even raise the topic or it ends up in a horrible fight. Hes getting worse. I just keep my mouth shut and try not to engage but its eating me up. I have chronic anxiety. Im desperately lonely and I know I need support. None of my family and friends know about this problem I live with. No one. I dont even really have any real friends Im comfortable confiding in. I have thought of going to a meeting many times but always stop because Im a non-joiner introvert personality and really shy and uncomfortable in groups, and I also dont believe in any kind of god or higher power and I know you all rely heavily on the higher power idea. is there anyone here like me whos been able to find help at Al Anon despite these issues?
hotrod said
Oct 29, 2019
I found when the pain became too intense it did not matter if alanon was God based or not-- i attended . Today after many yearsI have a powerful belief in my HP
Bo said
Oct 29, 2019
Non-joiners go to alanon meetings. It's not a club, and certainly not one people want to join. It is there to help you if you want to get help. Period. Up to you.
Alanon is a spiritual program, not a religious one. The "talk" of God -- as we, as individuals, understand him, is a personal connection to a higher power, something outside of us, bigger than us, something other than us that can help us.
For some, their higher power is the group, their meetings, their readings. Some view their Higher Power and God as two separate and distinct things. You do not have to rely heavily on a higher power idea.
How about relying heavily on the fact that you are in pain. That you are desperate. That you want to get better. When you just can't take it anymore. Then, maybe you will be ready.
The meetings will be there when you are ready.
Freetime said
Oct 29, 2019
Absolutely! I discovered in the groups that I could define my Higher Power however I wanted. To me, my higher power is the wisdom and help of others within and outside of the group who help me when I am unable to help myself, when the problem is too big for me to handle alone. It has worked amazingly well.
I am not a super social person, but I discovered I was not required to speak in the group (for me, I wanted to because I was drowning in my problems). No one dictated what anyone else's higher power should be, or how quickly they should find a sponsor and work the steps, or what actions they should take in their life. Each person who shared, talked about what was working and not working for them -- and I could listen and decide if that would work for me.
Al-Anon is the place, for me, that I could unload and be honest about things my family/friends cannot understand or that I do not want to burden them with. The Al-Anon folks understand.
Usually there is a part of the meeting where everyone around the room says their first name, and volunteers will read passages from a book. Even that -- if you don't want to, you can say "pass" or "I'm just here to listen."
Each group is bit different, so if the first one does not feel comfortable to you, try others. There are different size groups. I have been to some with three people and some with thirty or more.
Sometimes when I don't want to go someplace (a meeting, the gym, whatever), I tell myself that I just have to stay for 10 minutes and then if I want to I can leave. Usually -- well, always -- I stay, but it is helpful to remind myself I have choices.
I hope you will give Al-Anon meetings a try, and come back and tell us how it went.
mamalioness said
Oct 29, 2019
Im a non-joiner introvert personality and really shy and uncomfortable in groups, and I also dont believe in any kind of god or higher power and I know you all rely heavily on the higher power idea. is there anyone here like me whos been able to find help at Al Anon despite these issues?
**********************************
Hey Seahorse-------YEP...me!!! I am an introvert, socially because I find most people untrustworthy, and lots of time not pleasurable to be around.. not sayin I am not willing to have loving relationships because I DO have a FEW, but it took time for me to bond with them..I have a BFF whom I love as my sister...another almost as close one that goes back a few years..but essentially I am introvert...Nothing wrong with that...
as to the HP part??? Tho I do buy into the God/Jesus concept, do I think there is a big daddy in the sky gonna help me do life??? NO!!!! and as a former traditional Christian, It was horrible for me to find out that no OUTside diety is involved in my life....that is for the afterlife in my opinion...so what about NOW?? what is my higher power now???? well, its multifaceted....the program and the 12 steps are part of my HP...the loving community in my recovery rooms is an HP....my higher self within, my higher parent within....all of which connect me to the universe....that inner voice in me that, when, IF I can quiet me down enough, the one that speaks to me , quietly, and i get "prompts" or "ideas" to do or not do something
I do Buddhist meditations which help me connect to myself and the light side of me...so the HP part is what feels right for YOU!!!
I was chairing an Alanon meet one time, long ago, and this atheist lady came in and wasn't shy about her NON belief in anything and some other gal who was helping me chair the meet sorta got on her in that she "had to have a God of her understanding" I quickly ran up to our visitor and I told her "HP of YOUR understanding...it can be this meeting if you want it to be" and she smiled at me and said..."you see that ugly metal chair over there???" I said "Yea" and she says (as she was quite obese) "if that chair can keep my a** from falling on the ground, I'll call THAT my higher power" I told her "WELCOME to Alanon and THAT chair is YOURS"
she had a great time at the meet and she told me that she wanted the program, as she felt comfortable with it, to be her HP...I told her that program is MY HP, more times then not...so lets share.....HAD she been told that she "had to have God" I know we would have lost a soul in need of a loving place in which to share...I am so grateful that I over heard that convo between her an the other gal helping me...
So you BET you have a place here...Just as much as the next person does.....WELCOME home!!!!!!
Jen61 said
Oct 29, 2019
For me and I am sure and I am sure many, the first meeting was rough. But, I was determined because I felt like I could not deal with all of the chaos anymore.
Iamhere said
Oct 30, 2019
Good to see you seahorse and so very sorry for the progression of the disease in your spouse/family/life. Many in my area who are non-believers choose to consider those 3 letters - GOD - that appear in the literature and steps as GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION. It helps them set aside their lack o belief, and instead embrace the support, fellowship, ESH from others who truly understand and relate.
I resisted going for a long while as I had resentments towards being told I was also 'sick' and needed my own recovery. In my egotistical mind, it was far easier to blame all things on the disease and the diseased. As Betty suggests, when the pain became unbearable, I went and am grateful today that I not only found the courage to start, but found the willingness and courage to change me.
Please know you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
Aloha said
Oct 30, 2019
Welcome - I'm glad you've come.
I, too, considered myself an introvert and was extremely uncomfortable going into my first Al-Anon meeting. I think you'll find that's what likely 99% of Al-Anon members will say about going to their first meeting. This is change. Change is scary and uncomfortable. But when we're willing to push past that discomfort, that's where we'll start to find growth and start to get healthier and feel better.
I was also uneasy about the "Higher Power" concept. Although I'd always had a HP, it was from an obscure religion so my hackles would raise anytime anything remotely religious came up because I was sure I was going to start being told only "such and so deity" could "save" me and that I was wrong.
Thankfully, that never happened. We all get to define our Higher Powers as we see fit. For some, that HP is God, or Jesus, or Pele, or any other number of names you could throw out there. For others, they choose the universe as their HP, or a tree, or the ocean, or the group. One member described how he made a radiator his higher power. No one ever came up to anyone with any of those myriad descriptions of their HP and said "woah - that's wrong!"
The important point of eventually getting a higher power is that it finally relieves the burden of responsibility for EVERYTHING from my shoulders. No, I don't just drop my responsibilities entirely, but I stop taking responsibility for things that are absolutely out of my control and hand them over.
But this is all getting ahead of ourselves, because really the concept of a power greater than ourselves doesn't come in until Step Two. Step One needs to come first, and that's admitting our powerlessness.
I hope you find yourself a meeting. As others have said, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll find yourself quite open to any solutions available.
DavidG said
Oct 30, 2019
I am not an introvert- and am in complete and total denial ...
My Foo was hotly passive aggressive...
I love talking about higher power stuff... but try hard not to push the topic... !!! ...
in my view if you start the thread- it is a mini chair for a meeting- your topic...
Nice to see you posting here... good stuff!!! ...
JerryF said
Oct 30, 2019
Aloha Seahorse 7 and welcome back. This is a great subject especially from my experiences with "Change and Changing the things I can". From being a man that was oppositional/defiant, introverted, angry and rageful with staunch, fixed feelings about religion and such I have accepted and worked for the things I could change as is mentioned in our Serenity Prayer. I was introverted due to the negative, punishing, childhood I was raised within and yes alcohol and drug addiction characterized those who were leading and instructing my behaviors. Religion was staunch and severe and put up with little consideration of other beliefs. My first marriage was to a woman who decided to become a believer solely opposite to mine and I was categorized a believe in the devil....That form of "ism" was by far much worse than being married to my second alcoholic/addict wife. I stayed introverted waiting for the next enemy to attack which was the disease of addiction.
I didn't jump into recovery easily at first in fact fought it heartily until the outstanding and visual recovery characteristics of the women in the Al-Anon Family Groups convinced me that there was much more I needed to experience and consider about recovery.
The program convinced me that it was about "change and changing the things I can". I learned how to listen, consider and learn which I have over the time I have been involved working it as has been suggested. I am no longer introverted because that doesn't help being able to help others to get the miracles this program has for those who really desire and need change. Religiously I changed that also...I work this program religiously...daily...the steps, traditions, suggestions, slogans, sponsorship and more. I have a life today I will not surrender for any thing and unless I might identify myself as a member of the AFG no one except those who I recovery with knows what I am doing to live the way I do.
God? of course!! I need something bigger than Jerry F's ego and pride else I loose this all to mis-direction....again.
Please keep coming back...listen and learn...follow the path of those who are and have done the work. ((((Hugs)))))
Seahorse7 said
Nov 3, 2019
Thank you all for helping me to feel slightly less alone. And for perspectives that I hadnt considered. Im humbled by the generosity of strangers to reach out to another stranger like me. And I feel your hugs.
Hello. Years since Ive been here. Sadly my AH has not chosen to help himself all this time and I cannot even raise the topic or it ends up in a horrible fight. Hes getting worse. I just keep my mouth shut and try not to engage but its eating me up. I have chronic anxiety. Im desperately lonely and I know I need support. None of my family and friends know about this problem I live with. No one. I dont even really have any real friends Im comfortable confiding in. I have thought of going to a meeting many times but always stop because Im a non-joiner introvert personality and really shy and uncomfortable in groups, and I also dont believe in any kind of god or higher power and I know you all rely heavily on the higher power idea. is there anyone here like me whos been able to find help at Al Anon despite these issues?
Alanon is a spiritual program, not a religious one. The "talk" of God -- as we, as individuals, understand him, is a personal connection to a higher power, something outside of us, bigger than us, something other than us that can help us.
For some, their higher power is the group, their meetings, their readings. Some view their Higher Power and God as two separate and distinct things. You do not have to rely heavily on a higher power idea.
How about relying heavily on the fact that you are in pain. That you are desperate. That you want to get better. When you just can't take it anymore. Then, maybe you will be ready.
The meetings will be there when you are ready.
I am not a super social person, but I discovered I was not required to speak in the group (for me, I wanted to because I was drowning in my problems). No one dictated what anyone else's higher power should be, or how quickly they should find a sponsor and work the steps, or what actions they should take in their life. Each person who shared, talked about what was working and not working for them -- and I could listen and decide if that would work for me.
Al-Anon is the place, for me, that I could unload and be honest about things my family/friends cannot understand or that I do not want to burden them with. The Al-Anon folks understand.
Usually there is a part of the meeting where everyone around the room says their first name, and volunteers will read passages from a book. Even that -- if you don't want to, you can say "pass" or "I'm just here to listen."
Each group is bit different, so if the first one does not feel comfortable to you, try others. There are different size groups. I have been to some with three people and some with thirty or more.
Sometimes when I don't want to go someplace (a meeting, the gym, whatever), I tell myself that I just have to stay for 10 minutes and then if I want to I can leave. Usually -- well, always -- I stay, but it is helpful to remind myself I have choices.
I hope you will give Al-Anon meetings a try, and come back and tell us how it went.
**********************************
Hey Seahorse-------YEP...me!!! I am an introvert, socially because I find most people untrustworthy, and lots of time not pleasurable to be around.. not sayin I am not willing to have loving relationships because I DO have a FEW, but it took time for me to bond with them..I have a BFF whom I love as my sister...another almost as close one that goes back a few years..but essentially I am introvert...Nothing wrong with that...
as to the HP part??? Tho I do buy into the God/Jesus concept, do I think there is a big daddy in the sky gonna help me do life??? NO!!!! and as a former traditional Christian, It was horrible for me to find out that no OUTside diety is involved in my life....that is for the afterlife in my opinion...so what about NOW?? what is my higher power now???? well, its multifaceted....the program and the 12 steps are part of my HP...the loving community in my recovery rooms is an HP....my higher self within, my higher parent within....all of which connect me to the universe....that inner voice in me that, when, IF I can quiet me down enough, the one that speaks to me , quietly, and i get "prompts" or "ideas" to do or not do something
I do Buddhist meditations which help me connect to myself and the light side of me...so the HP part is what feels right for YOU!!!
I was chairing an Alanon meet one time, long ago, and this atheist lady came in and wasn't shy about her NON belief in anything and some other gal who was helping me chair the meet sorta got on her in that she "had to have a God of her understanding" I quickly ran up to our visitor and I told her "HP of YOUR understanding...it can be this meeting if you want it to be" and she smiled at me and said..."you see that ugly metal chair over there???" I said "Yea" and she says (as she was quite obese) "if that chair can keep my a** from falling on the ground, I'll call THAT my higher power" I told her "WELCOME to Alanon and THAT chair is YOURS"
she had a great time at the meet and she told me that she wanted the program, as she felt comfortable with it, to be her HP...I told her that program is MY HP, more times then not...so lets share.....HAD she been told that she "had to have God" I know we would have lost a soul in need of a loving place in which to share...I am so grateful that I over heard that convo between her an the other gal helping me...
So you BET you have a place here...Just as much as the next person does.....WELCOME home!!!!!!
I resisted going for a long while as I had resentments towards being told I was also 'sick' and needed my own recovery. In my egotistical mind, it was far easier to blame all things on the disease and the diseased. As Betty suggests, when the pain became unbearable, I went and am grateful today that I not only found the courage to start, but found the willingness and courage to change me.
Please know you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
I, too, considered myself an introvert and was extremely uncomfortable going into my first Al-Anon meeting. I think you'll find that's what likely 99% of Al-Anon members will say about going to their first meeting. This is change. Change is scary and uncomfortable. But when we're willing to push past that discomfort, that's where we'll start to find growth and start to get healthier and feel better.
I was also uneasy about the "Higher Power" concept. Although I'd always had a HP, it was from an obscure religion so my hackles would raise anytime anything remotely religious came up because I was sure I was going to start being told only "such and so deity" could "save" me and that I was wrong.
Thankfully, that never happened. We all get to define our Higher Powers as we see fit. For some, that HP is God, or Jesus, or Pele, or any other number of names you could throw out there. For others, they choose the universe as their HP, or a tree, or the ocean, or the group. One member described how he made a radiator his higher power. No one ever came up to anyone with any of those myriad descriptions of their HP and said "woah - that's wrong!"
The important point of eventually getting a higher power is that it finally relieves the burden of responsibility for EVERYTHING from my shoulders. No, I don't just drop my responsibilities entirely, but I stop taking responsibility for things that are absolutely out of my control and hand them over.
But this is all getting ahead of ourselves, because really the concept of a power greater than ourselves doesn't come in until Step Two. Step One needs to come first, and that's admitting our powerlessness.
I hope you find yourself a meeting. As others have said, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll find yourself quite open to any solutions available.
I am not an introvert- and am in complete and total denial
...
My Foo was hotly passive aggressive...
I love talking about higher power stuff... but try hard not to push the topic... !!!
...
in my view if you start the thread- it is a mini chair for a meeting- your topic...
Nice to see you posting here... good stuff!!!
...
Aloha Seahorse 7 and welcome back. This is a great subject especially from my experiences with "Change and Changing the things I can". From being a man that was oppositional/defiant, introverted, angry and rageful with staunch, fixed feelings about religion and such I have accepted and worked for the things I could change as is mentioned in our Serenity Prayer. I was introverted due to the negative, punishing, childhood I was raised within and yes alcohol and drug addiction characterized those who were leading and instructing my behaviors. Religion was staunch and severe and put up with little consideration of other beliefs. My first marriage was to a woman who decided to become a believer solely opposite to mine and I was categorized a believe in the devil....That form of "ism" was by far much worse than being married to my second alcoholic/addict wife. I stayed introverted waiting for the next enemy to attack which was the disease of addiction.
I didn't jump into recovery easily at first in fact fought it heartily until the outstanding and visual recovery characteristics of the women in the Al-Anon Family Groups convinced me that there was much more I needed to experience and consider about recovery.
The program convinced me that it was about "change and changing the things I can". I learned how to listen, consider and learn which I have over the time I have been involved working it as has been suggested. I am no longer introverted because that doesn't help being able to help others to get the miracles this program has for those who really desire and need change. Religiously I changed that also...I work this program religiously...daily...the steps, traditions, suggestions, slogans, sponsorship and more. I have a life today I will not surrender for any thing and unless I might identify myself as a member of the AFG no one except those who I recovery with knows what I am doing to live the way I do.
God? of course!! I need something bigger than Jerry F's ego and pride else I loose this all to mis-direction....again.
Please keep coming back...listen and learn...follow the path of those who are and have done the work. ((((Hugs)))))