My adult daughter who has been to rehab 7 times and sober living twice, got engaged to a heavy drinker about 6 months ago, after dating for almost 4 years. He has been witness to 3 of her relapses, two of which have required 30 day rehabs. Since the engagement, she has relapsed again, and appears they both have been drinking heavily. He's been verbally abusive towards her lately, and I'm scared. She lives about 2,000 miles away. I feel like I want to do something or say something to her, like I've done since she was a teenager, but not sure what. The wedding is booked for next summer. I can't believe she wants to live in this kind of environment. She goes to counseling, and so does he, but it's not helping. Has anyone had experience in this type of situation with adult children?
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Sunday 27th of October 2019 07:17:20 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 28, 2019
(((((BG))))))
I have not experienced this. My child is just now moving into early adulthood. Through Al-Anon, I am learning that the kid's choices are their own. No amount of "controlling" or managing the situation(s) will change things to the way I want them, nor is it always healthy for offspring to not experience the consequences of their actions. But I am understanding you fear regarding your daughter. It is not a good situation. I am sorry I do not have anymore ESH.
Wishing you peace,
Aloha said
Oct 28, 2019
Please don't put that kind of pressure on yourself, Buckeye. There is nothing you can say or do that will change your daughter's course and choices.
I say that because if you feel like you do have that kind of power, then you'll hold yourself accountable and responsible for whatever comes in her life.
This is a great opportunity for you to allow your Higher Power and hers to get bigger in both your lives.
If you're not getting to Al-Anon meetings, I suggest you get to some. If you are, but you only go once a month or even just once a week, I encourage you to bump up your attendance. You really need this.
As far as what to say to your daughter, I've found that the most helpful thing I can say to anyone that's not manipulative and doesn't put me in the hot seat of being responsible for someone else it to simply say "I love you, I'll always love you, and I wish the best for you."
Maresie888 said
Oct 28, 2019
They are both.going to.counseling that seems like a good thing
Relationships based on substance abuse are often abusive. There are a lot of patterns at play
Detaching from other people's lives is extremely difficult
I think it is also pretty normal.for us in al.anon.to feel disaster coming and feel it is our life work to intervene
The good news is their wedding is sometime away.
I most certainly have felt my whole life that I needed to intervene in so many situations
My life work.was about being more concerned for others than for myself.
Al anon is a great place for you to come to learn many skills. It might seem right now your daughter is the one who needs all the help. I.do.assure you.whatever your daughter decides these skills will help you immensely
Like many of us you are coming in pretty upset. Most of us come into this program kicking and screaming
I hope you will stick around go to a few meetings and reach out to get the help you need. Whatever your daughter does or does not do al.anon cannot certainly help
Maresie
mamalioness said
Oct 29, 2019
hey Buckeye, you got GREAT input here, I agree with all these wonderful people...we cannot change anything but ourselves...When I see a child of mine doing what is not good for them, I have to let go..let them experience the lesson they need to experience....NOT easy....NOT when I am a Codependent, who has to be in control and in charge of everything, but i am NOT!!! I had to "give that notion up" to the program and my HP within me.....we can raise them up, teach them all we know...but when they grow up, they are on their own....nothing we can do but love them and hope they end up OK
My adult daughter who has been to rehab 7 times and sober living twice, got engaged to a heavy drinker about 6 months ago, after dating for almost 4 years. He has been witness to 3 of her relapses, two of which have required 30 day rehabs. Since the engagement, she has relapsed again, and appears they both have been drinking heavily. He's been verbally abusive towards her lately, and I'm scared. She lives about 2,000 miles away. I feel like I want to do something or say something to her, like I've done since she was a teenager, but not sure what. The wedding is booked for next summer. I can't believe she wants to live in this kind of environment. She goes to counseling, and so does he, but it's not helping. Has anyone had experience in this type of situation with adult children?
-- Edited by Buckeye Girl on Sunday 27th of October 2019 07:17:20 PM
I have not experienced this. My child is just now moving into early adulthood. Through Al-Anon, I am learning that the kid's choices are their own. No amount of "controlling" or managing the situation(s) will change things to the way I want them, nor is it always healthy for offspring to not experience the consequences of their actions. But I am understanding you fear regarding your daughter. It is not a good situation. I am sorry I do not have anymore ESH.
Wishing you peace,
I say that because if you feel like you do have that kind of power, then you'll hold yourself accountable and responsible for whatever comes in her life.
This is a great opportunity for you to allow your Higher Power and hers to get bigger in both your lives.
If you're not getting to Al-Anon meetings, I suggest you get to some. If you are, but you only go once a month or even just once a week, I encourage you to bump up your attendance. You really need this.
As far as what to say to your daughter, I've found that the most helpful thing I can say to anyone that's not manipulative and doesn't put me in the hot seat of being responsible for someone else it to simply say "I love you, I'll always love you, and I wish the best for you."