There was a time when I really struggled with everything that had happened between me and my alcoholic husband... and all that was currently happening following the divorce... all the trials blowing me around and around....
One particular day, my mood was seriously in the dumpster... sponsor was unavailable... and so I decided to phone a woman from my Wednesday group.
Ellen was older and very wise, and on this particular day, very gracious in allowing me to bring to her attention, every single, little detail nagging at me. After my purge, I waited eagerly for her wisdom...
pause... pause... pause... (sound familiar? lol)
Very slowly she asked, What tools have you tried so far?
I was speechless. and really confused because I felt I was being shamed for doing what had been taught, my usual reaching outside myself. She asked if I had plans to make a meeting, do any quiet reading, etc. Then abruptly said she had to go.
I was shocked. I had never known Ellen like this, she had been so warm and nurturing at the meetings and... WTH, always inviting me to call her!!! I felt completely embarrassed and like a new problem overwhelming me.
Long story short. I determined this would never happen again. I began a personal step study. I wanted to KNOW what I believed everyone else knew except me.
Today, I am ever so grateful that this strong woman refused to sympathize and strengthen my attachment to pain which she had heard again and again, week after week during meetings ( I didn't realize.)
she invited me to become a strong woman myself. I learned through her, that re-telling and talk talk talking about my dislikes and aversions never lessened my pain. As long as it was continuously being kept alive by members who were willing to listen, enabling me to keep it alive.. I am convinced I would never have grown out of it.
Her type of service work which at first I argued was no service at all... served me in the most permanent way. Very quickly, I was being asked to speak throughout our region, my ESH published... all because of my desperate and very humble NEED for the 12 steps.
Please do not misunderstand. As a beginner, I did need the fellowship to listen and share their similar stories, an essential beginning. But old timers like Ellen know when to shout, "STOP"
Stop looking down the sewer when there is a beautiful life inside recovery if you really want it.
thanks for letting me share about an uncomfortable form of service work that stopped enabling me and my dis-ease (((grateful)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 16th of October 2019 09:24:01 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 16, 2019
Very good food for thought.... I will be turning this over and over in my brain today.
Thank you!
El said
Oct 16, 2019
Thank you, 2HP! I used to LOVE and still want to make a laundry list of every word, action, in-action, slight, etc., of not only my AH, but all around me. Oh,.... my mental scoreboard was a mathematical triumph on who did what and how I did or wanted to retaliate! Ugh. I wanted to talk it or think it to death and have every imaginable argument in my head....over and over. How exhausting, wasteful and ineffective. Now when I catch myself making a list in my head or revisiting old wounds, I picture a big red stop sign right in my face.
I probably would have felt the same way you did in the moment of your "rejection" so to speak. Ellen knew she could listen for HOURS on end and it really wouldn't have accomplished anything other than to keep your resentments front and center.
Thank you for this share......it is a great reminder to work on OUR own recovery.
Ellen
Freetime said
Oct 16, 2019
2HP, what a beautiful share! Thank you for writing about the "tough love" shown by your sponsor, and how you processed it. This really shows what a sponsor and step work add to what we get in meetings.
Your example is helping me today, because yesterday I gave some similar advice to an Al-Anon friend who texted me, and I've worried that she might take it badly ... but I do believe she will use it as you did, a way to strengthen her recovery.
Have a great day!
Iamhere said
Oct 17, 2019
(((2HP))) - love, love, love your ESH here! I can relate to the lessons learned and the need to work this program for me and about me. I am grateful for all the folks who came before me, were patient with me, were tough with me and showed me what recovery looks like in action. (((Hugs)))
Aloha said
Oct 17, 2019
I'm going through this exact issue with a sponsee right now - she's wanting to vomit out her pain and take the victim stance each and every time and it is so draining to me. It's draining to me because I'm learning through this situation myself that I need to figure out and define my boundaries.
I want to be supportive, but at the same time I need to set boundaries. I've asked her several times what she's doing to take care of herself, emphasized multiple meetings and service, and there's always excuses and then half-hearted agreements to put more effort into her recovery.
I might need to step back and tell her I can't continue to sponsor her in this way as I'm not seeing how this relationship is helping her to grow in any way. It's difficult helping someone who only wants to put in the bare minimum effort. My sponsor reminded me I can't give someone the "want to's". So I may need to step back.
I can't be a battle-axe sponsor. Bluntness in person-to-person interaction is not my thing. So she's a blessing to me in that I'm learning through her how to start speaking more frankly.
I'm meeting her soon for some step work and I'm thinking at this time I'm going to need to tell her where I'm at with this. It's not working for me.
So, I appreciate your bringing this up as this situation has been weighing on my heart for quite some time.
DavidG said
Oct 17, 2019
Food for thought 2HP... beautiful share... ...
2HP said
Oct 18, 2019
Great replies, thanks to (((all))). Reading reminded me of the Al-Anon declaration. Today I don't let that first line delude me, "when anyone anywhere reaches out for help..."
it suggests that one is willing. over time ACTIONS reveal the degree of willingness.
Ellen was an inspiration to me. and like her, I won't allow anyone to shame me for refusing my hand to "always" be there. I am a fool to put my hand on a hot stove again and again, trying to make friends with crazy-making again and again... the feeling of being pulled down because I happen to care more about their recovery than they do, lol
That is my right. The steps have proven there are higher attachments that result in higher goals and serve much better. It is only natural for humans to become sick and tired of being sick and tired in an environment of constant suffering and gloom... someone once said, "a plant that isn't growing, is rotting." That was ME until an al-anon toolkit was tossed at my feet.
thoughts?
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 18th of October 2019 10:47:55 AM
Aloha said
Oct 18, 2019
I had a little discussion with my sponsor about the situation, outlining more than I did here, but she said it looks like I'm trying to take a balanced approach, but concluded "if nothing changes then nothing changes".
I remembered then that even in Al-Anons, we're still dealing with the disease of alcoholism. For the A's the main issue is their drinking, ours is our thinking. So it will do me well to remember my steps when working with my sponsee. I've certainly been praying on this quite a bit.
hotrod said
Oct 19, 2019
In this "Fellowship of Equals" I find service work rssentiall Thanks for the topic
2HP said
Oct 19, 2019
what Ellen said, did hurt at first (my pride.)
I'm grateful for how I was taught to take my resentments to inventory. to begin questioning my perceptions about Truth. (courage)
Only then, could I perceive Ellen as a true equal inviting me to drop "my illusion" that I wasn't, lol
in my experience with Ellen (and others) saints will sometimes give a swift kick in the rear. because they know that even God is powerless without our cooperation...
we have free will to remain attached to sorrow and suffering (Eckhart Tolle brilliantly explains how pain bodies attract pain bodies keeping pain alive...) or make a decision to express my desire for better things.... "listen and learn."
Early on, my sponsorship involved doing for others what they could and should be doing for themselves. As an ACOA, I had the habit of people-pleasing and tolerating toxic environments for years and years... I was the one attending meetings and doing personal inventories and building spiritual routine... while all she had to do was make a phone call for her serenity.
my sponsor suggested I was preventing her from spiritual growth.. the building of another codependent relationship which does not last.
so today, I have a different perception of what Love is.
There was a time when I really struggled with everything that had happened between me and my alcoholic husband... and all that was currently happening following the divorce... all the trials blowing me around and around....
One particular day, my mood was seriously in the dumpster... sponsor was unavailable... and so I decided to phone a woman from my Wednesday group.
Ellen was older and very wise, and on this particular day, very gracious in allowing me to bring to her attention, every single, little detail nagging at me. After my purge, I waited eagerly for her wisdom...
pause... pause... pause... (sound familiar? lol)
Very slowly she asked, What tools have you tried so far?
I was speechless. and really confused because I felt I was being shamed for doing what had been taught, my usual reaching outside myself. She asked if I had plans to make a meeting, do any quiet reading, etc. Then abruptly said she had to go.
I was shocked. I had never known Ellen like this, she had been so warm and nurturing at the meetings and... WTH, always inviting me to call her!!! I felt completely embarrassed and like a new problem overwhelming me.
Long story short. I determined this would never happen again. I began a personal step study. I wanted to KNOW what I believed everyone else knew except me.
Today, I am ever so grateful that this strong woman refused to sympathize and strengthen my attachment to pain which she had heard again and again, week after week during meetings ( I didn't realize.)
she invited me to become a strong woman myself. I learned through her, that re-telling and talk talk talking about my dislikes and aversions never lessened my pain. As long as it was continuously being kept alive by members who were willing to listen, enabling me to keep it alive.. I am convinced I would never have grown out of it.
Her type of service work which at first I argued was no service at all... served me in the most permanent way. Very quickly, I was being asked to speak throughout our region, my ESH published... all because of my desperate and very humble NEED for the 12 steps.
Please do not misunderstand. As a beginner, I did need the fellowship to listen and share their similar stories, an essential beginning. But old timers like Ellen know when to shout, "STOP"
Stop looking down the sewer when there is a beautiful life inside recovery if you really want it.
thanks for letting me share about an uncomfortable form of service work that stopped enabling me and my dis-ease (((grateful)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 16th of October 2019 09:24:01 AM
Thank you!
Thank you, 2HP! I used to LOVE and still want to make a laundry list of every word, action, in-action, slight, etc., of not only my AH, but all around me. Oh,.... my mental scoreboard was a mathematical triumph on who did what and how I did or wanted to retaliate! Ugh. I wanted to talk it or think it to death and have every imaginable argument in my head....over and over. How exhausting, wasteful and ineffective. Now when I catch myself making a list in my head or revisiting old wounds, I picture a big red stop sign right in my face.
I probably would have felt the same way you did in the moment of your "rejection" so to speak. Ellen knew she could listen for HOURS on end and it really wouldn't have accomplished anything other than to keep your resentments front and center.
Thank you for this share......it is a great reminder to work on OUR own recovery.
Ellen
Your example is helping me today, because yesterday I gave some similar advice to an Al-Anon friend who texted me, and I've worried that she might take it badly ... but I do believe she will use it as you did, a way to strengthen her recovery.
Have a great day!
I want to be supportive, but at the same time I need to set boundaries. I've asked her several times what she's doing to take care of herself, emphasized multiple meetings and service, and there's always excuses and then half-hearted agreements to put more effort into her recovery.
I might need to step back and tell her I can't continue to sponsor her in this way as I'm not seeing how this relationship is helping her to grow in any way. It's difficult helping someone who only wants to put in the bare minimum effort. My sponsor reminded me I can't give someone the "want to's". So I may need to step back.
I can't be a battle-axe sponsor. Bluntness in person-to-person interaction is not my thing. So she's a blessing to me in that I'm learning through her how to start speaking more frankly.
I'm meeting her soon for some step work and I'm thinking at this time I'm going to need to tell her where I'm at with this. It's not working for me.
So, I appreciate your bringing this up as this situation has been weighing on my heart for quite some time.
Food for thought 2HP... beautiful share...
...
Great replies, thanks to (((all))). Reading reminded me of the Al-Anon declaration. Today I don't let that first line delude me, "when anyone anywhere reaches out for help..."
it suggests that one is willing. over time ACTIONS reveal the degree of willingness.
Ellen was an inspiration to me. and like her, I won't allow anyone to shame me for refusing my hand to "always" be there. I am a fool to put my hand on a hot stove again and again, trying to make friends with crazy-making again and again... the feeling of being pulled down because I happen to care more about their recovery than they do, lol
That is my right. The steps have proven there are higher attachments that result in higher goals and serve much better. It is only natural for humans to become sick and tired of being sick and tired in an environment of constant suffering and gloom... someone once said, "a plant that isn't growing, is rotting." That was ME until an al-anon toolkit was tossed at my feet.
thoughts?
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 18th of October 2019 10:47:55 AM
I remembered then that even in Al-Anons, we're still dealing with the disease of alcoholism. For the A's the main issue is their drinking, ours is our thinking. So it will do me well to remember my steps when working with my sponsee. I've certainly been praying on this quite a bit.
I'm grateful for how I was taught to take my resentments to inventory. to begin questioning my perceptions about Truth. (courage)
Only then, could I perceive Ellen as a true equal inviting me to drop "my illusion" that I wasn't, lol
in my experience with Ellen (and others) saints will sometimes give a swift kick in the rear. because they know that even God is powerless without our cooperation...
we have free will to remain attached to sorrow and suffering (Eckhart Tolle brilliantly explains how pain bodies attract pain bodies keeping pain alive...) or make a decision to express my desire for better things.... "listen and learn."
Early on, my sponsorship involved doing for others what they could and should be doing for themselves. As an ACOA, I had the habit of people-pleasing and tolerating toxic environments for years and years... I was the one attending meetings and doing personal inventories and building spiritual routine... while all she had to do was make a phone call for her serenity.
my sponsor suggested I was preventing her from spiritual growth.. the building of another codependent relationship which does not last.
so today, I have a different perception of what Love is.