I'm new to all of this, and I'm trying to learn. I've always know my AH drank too much and may have a problem, but a month ago, new information came out and there was no denying he was an alcoholic. He admitted this, and is now in a rehab center for the past 2 weeks. I went to my first Al Anon meeting last week, which was a bit overwhelming as I didn't know any steps, process etc. I ordered several books and I'm trying to learn. I plan to go back this week.
Here is my specific concerns: my AH may come home in the next week or so. I'm very nervous about that. I don't know how to set limits while "detaching with love". Specifically, financially. Right now, he has a (temporary) physical condition for which he can't work. I expect this to not heal for another 1-2 months. His mobility is limited and he can't drive (not related to alcohol issues). On the plus side, he can't get alcohol because of this. But I feel stuck in a position that for the next few months I still need to take care of all the house stuff and work FT to pay all bills as he is legitimately unable to physically do this at this time (and as I said, that is all non-alcohol related). There are past bills he racked up due to his alcohol on a credit card in his name. I think I will refuse to pay those. Aside from that, how can I detach? Also, (and this is a big question for me): how do you live with a recovering AA? How do you make the decision to stay or not stay in a marriage?
Thanks for any advice. Its been helpful to read everyone's posts.
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 12, 2019
((((Evelyn))))
I am sending hugs and support b/c you are in the early stages now... you are experiencing great relief, but also great anxiety. I understand completely.
First, I am only going to share my ESH - Experience, Strength, and Hope. As you probably already know, we do not give advice per se.
Experience: Addiction (no matter the substance) is progressive. It is a condition that can be arrested or put into "remission," but is never cured. The drug of choice (DOC) will rewire their neural pathways - it is scientifically proven. My husband spent 90 days in rehab the first time (after a family intervention - DOC, meth), and seven years later admitted himself (after he lost everything) to another rehab (DOC - alcohol)where he stayed for a year (on and off between a sober-living facility) due to the effects of this disease. He was "high functioning" until he just wasn't. Each time, he had lost his job and left me and his kid on public assistance & with huge amounts of debt. The second time we had to leave our home b/c he refused to leave. Depending on the state you live in, if you are legally married, his debt is your debt. If you fail to pay, your credit will be affected & debtors will come after you. I must say, I was most affected by the denial/lies/gas-lighting. It was what killed what love I had for my spouse. It is what changed my personality - In the end, I couldn't even recognize myself! In my experience, these are behaviors that my ExH still uses even though he is in his program.
Strength: Evaluate and gather all the support you can around you. Go to meetings... they really help. There, you will find people that understand. Really understand... b/c they have been there too.
Hope: YOU can find serenity. You will just need to find out what that means to you... and it is a process that takes some time. I have also heard and seen Qualifiers that have embraced recovery and really live recovery each day. So it is possible, but I have heard said, "Hope is not a plan." Wise words.
I personally feel that Detachment is a short-term tool. I am not too proud to say that I detached with anger at first. As the disease progressed and my spouse ignored any opportunity to begin recovery (again), it became "detachment with indifference." That was about an 8 month period towards the end. When my kid and I were faced with having to move out of the house & get rid of many of our beloved possessions and enter public assistance again, I finally said I had enough. I had reached MY bottom. Never again will this happen to me (I had said that the first time, and look where I was!). As I learned in Al-Anon, I changed that statement to, "Never again will I allow this to happen." As I worked through Step 4, and peeled back the layers of me, I found and accepted what I could and couldn't live with in my life. I am happy with my decision on 99% of my days, and I certainly have more Serenity!
I will pray to my HP to help guide you. Keep reading and posting. Perhaps try out a few meetings. It does work if you "work it!"
&
JerryF said
Oct 12, 2019
Aloha Evelyn and welcome to the board. One of the first pieces of wisdom I heard and learned was "you didn't get here over night and you will not learn it all that way either" and while that was depressing along with my anxiousness getting the truth wasn't near as frightening as being spited.
Ours is a one day at a time program; that is how we learn and live it and it became reasonable for me that way when I learned from the fellowship that mostly all of them got it that way.
Alcoholism is a disease and not curable. It can only be managed one day at a time the same as we the friends and family of the alcoholics and also addicts must do it. Learning where I came from regarding the disease was frightening and at the same time challenging. I was born and raised in it even before I met and married my first addict which was a "usual" relationship for me. I knew how to be in that sick environment and so I was by habit. The outcome was predictable without the intervention of recovery. I would and do need a program of recovery that teaches me and keeps me focused on how I must perceive and behave while it is active in my life.
The steps starting from the reality and wisdom of Step one (Admitted I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable) gave and continues to give me the reality of what my life was and is and what it came to even without my active will. I didn't will it on purpose, it is what it is; I am powerless.
The second step especially the last word of that step (Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to SANITY.) I knew that word and I knew that I didn't have it when I was first introduced to the program. I came in to the program insane and knew I was insane. My alcoholic family suffered with it also.
Truly we do not give advise and only share our Experiences, Strengths and Hope because that is what worked for us; our recovery stories. Each story as more to learn from and if you duplicate what worked for others it will work for you. If you tell the professionals out there that will be willing to help you that alcoholism and addiction is the major part of your condition they will understand and draw upon experiences they have used while working with others who have been similarly affected.
Find the hot line number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in the white pages of your local telephone book and call. They will lead you on to where and when we get together in your area including Alateen for any teenaged children you may have. They will point you at the literature sources we have and are using.
Miracles in Progress (here) is always open and we are standing with you. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
Maresie888 said
Oct 12, 2019
Welcome
Al.anon.is a resource of immense love, knowledge but most of all no judgment
The bill.stiff is tricky. At one time I would pay them. Then at a certain point I stopped paying them
There is no.hard and fast rule in all of it.
Detachment is a real.art. when you are going un with an alcoholic it is like lifting a 300 on weight all the time. You have to.start where you are
I.am truly grateful to.al.anon.for the support and skills the program gave me.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2019
Hiya Evelyn - welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I'm also glad to hear that you have made it to an Al-Anon meeting and plan to return. If the disease in your home/family is similar to how it 'worked' in mine, I planned my life, days, etc. around the disease and the diseased. I didn't do this intentionally, it was just the pattern/habit we'd established over time.
What I heard/learned in my first Al-Anon meeting was putting myself first, one day at a time, is not selfish or unhealthy - it's healthy. I am a better person, mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc. when I am practicing good self-care. Allowing others to fend for themselves, even after years of doing way too much for others, worked out really well here! So, consider keeping things simple, put yourself first (meetings, walks, rest, etc.), remain open and willing to change and things will go as they are supposed to.
Coming out of treatment back to home is frightening for all! Everyone will be uncertain, fearful, etc. Just focusing on me, and allowing others some distance, time, etc. helped out greatly here. Unless it involved neutral topics, I opted to not ask a ton of questions, just to give some space/time for transition. As you embrace recovery for you and practice what's suggested, you will find a new normal that works well for you/your home. Take good care of you and be gentle with you - you are not alone, and there is always hope and help in recovery!
I'm new to all of this, and I'm trying to learn. I've always know my AH drank too much and may have a problem, but a month ago, new information came out and there was no denying he was an alcoholic. He admitted this, and is now in a rehab center for the past 2 weeks. I went to my first Al Anon meeting last week, which was a bit overwhelming as I didn't know any steps, process etc. I ordered several books and I'm trying to learn. I plan to go back this week.
Here is my specific concerns: my AH may come home in the next week or so. I'm very nervous about that. I don't know how to set limits while "detaching with love". Specifically, financially. Right now, he has a (temporary) physical condition for which he can't work. I expect this to not heal for another 1-2 months. His mobility is limited and he can't drive (not related to alcohol issues). On the plus side, he can't get alcohol because of this. But I feel stuck in a position that for the next few months I still need to take care of all the house stuff and work FT to pay all bills as he is legitimately unable to physically do this at this time (and as I said, that is all non-alcohol related). There are past bills he racked up due to his alcohol on a credit card in his name. I think I will refuse to pay those. Aside from that, how can I detach? Also, (and this is a big question for me): how do you live with a recovering AA? How do you make the decision to stay or not stay in a marriage?
Thanks for any advice. Its been helpful to read everyone's posts.
((((Evelyn))))
I am sending hugs and support b/c you are in the early stages now... you are experiencing great relief, but also great anxiety. I understand completely.
First, I am only going to share my ESH - Experience, Strength, and Hope. As you probably already know, we do not give advice per se.
Experience: Addiction (no matter the substance) is progressive. It is a condition that can be arrested or put into "remission," but is never cured. The drug of choice (DOC) will rewire their neural pathways - it is scientifically proven. My husband spent 90 days in rehab the first time (after a family intervention - DOC, meth), and seven years later admitted himself (after he lost everything) to another rehab (DOC - alcohol)where he stayed for a year (on and off between a sober-living facility) due to the effects of this disease. He was "high functioning" until he just wasn't. Each time, he had lost his job and left me and his kid on public assistance & with huge amounts of debt. The second time we had to leave our home b/c he refused to leave. Depending on the state you live in, if you are legally married, his debt is your debt. If you fail to pay, your credit will be affected & debtors will come after you. I must say, I was most affected by the denial/lies/gas-lighting. It was what killed what love I had for my spouse. It is what changed my personality - In the end, I couldn't even recognize myself! In my experience, these are behaviors that my ExH still uses even though he is in his program.
Strength: Evaluate and gather all the support you can around you. Go to meetings... they really help. There, you will find people that understand. Really understand... b/c they have been there too.
Hope: YOU can find serenity. You will just need to find out what that means to you... and it is a process that takes some time. I have also heard and seen Qualifiers that have embraced recovery and really live recovery each day. So it is possible, but I have heard said, "Hope is not a plan." Wise words.
I personally feel that Detachment is a short-term tool. I am not too proud to say that I detached with anger at first. As the disease progressed and my spouse ignored any opportunity to begin recovery (again), it became "detachment with indifference." That was about an 8 month period towards the end. When my kid and I were faced with having to move out of the house & get rid of many of our beloved possessions and enter public assistance again, I finally said I had enough. I had reached MY bottom. Never again will this happen to me (I had said that the first time, and look where I was!). As I learned in Al-Anon, I changed that statement to, "Never again will I allow this to happen."
As I worked through Step 4, and peeled back the layers of me, I found and accepted what I could and couldn't live with in my life. I am happy with my decision on 99% of my days, and I certainly have more Serenity!
I will pray to my HP to help guide you. Keep reading and posting. Perhaps try out a few meetings. It does work if you "work it!"
Aloha Evelyn and welcome to the board. One of the first pieces of wisdom I heard and learned was "you didn't get here over night and you will not learn it all that way either" and while that was depressing along with my anxiousness getting the truth wasn't near as frightening as being spited.
Ours is a one day at a time program; that is how we learn and live it and it became reasonable for me that way when I learned from the fellowship that mostly all of them got it that way.
Alcoholism is a disease and not curable. It can only be managed one day at a time the same as we the friends and family of the alcoholics and also addicts must do it. Learning where I came from regarding the disease was frightening and at the same time challenging. I was born and raised in it even before I met and married my first addict which was a "usual" relationship for me. I knew how to be in that sick environment and so I was by habit. The outcome was predictable without the intervention of recovery. I would and do need a program of recovery that teaches me and keeps me focused on how I must perceive and behave while it is active in my life.
The steps starting from the reality and wisdom of Step one (Admitted I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable) gave and continues to give me the reality of what my life was and is and what it came to even without my active will. I didn't will it on purpose, it is what it is; I am powerless.
The second step especially the last word of that step (Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to SANITY.) I knew that word and I knew that I didn't have it when I was first introduced to the program. I came in to the program insane and knew I was insane. My alcoholic family suffered with it also.
Truly we do not give advise and only share our Experiences, Strengths and Hope because that is what worked for us; our recovery stories. Each story as more to learn from and if you duplicate what worked for others it will work for you. If you tell the professionals out there that will be willing to help you that alcoholism and addiction is the major part of your condition they will understand and draw upon experiences they have used while working with others who have been similarly affected.
Find the hot line number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in the white pages of your local telephone book and call. They will lead you on to where and when we get together in your area including Alateen for any teenaged children you may have. They will point you at the literature sources we have and are using.
Miracles in Progress (here) is always open and we are standing with you. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
What I heard/learned in my first Al-Anon meeting was putting myself first, one day at a time, is not selfish or unhealthy - it's healthy. I am a better person, mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc. when I am practicing good self-care. Allowing others to fend for themselves, even after years of doing way too much for others, worked out really well here! So, consider keeping things simple, put yourself first (meetings, walks, rest, etc.), remain open and willing to change and things will go as they are supposed to.
Coming out of treatment back to home is frightening for all! Everyone will be uncertain, fearful, etc. Just focusing on me, and allowing others some distance, time, etc. helped out greatly here. Unless it involved neutral topics, I opted to not ask a ton of questions, just to give some space/time for transition. As you embrace recovery for you and practice what's suggested, you will find a new normal that works well for you/your home. Take good care of you and be gentle with you - you are not alone, and there is always hope and help in recovery!