Our kid brother was the typical lost child. He went away overseas, and over time cut all ties. We knew where he was because we searched for him. Last time I tried to make contact within, unsuccessfully. But I did make contact with his landlord and was able to keep tabs on him. 18 months before he passed the landlord told me that he wasn't coping and that he was ready to let him go. I had no cards left in my back- but i pleaded that he was out there on his own. That his dads, uncles and grand-dads were all veterans- and that he was out there on his own as a downstream consequence of that. The landlord was a Vietnam Vet, and he accepted that. Come last November I got a call. M. was found outside of his home- with his groceries strewn all over the place. He was dead. He had a catheter coming out of his chest and one of his feet were wrapped in plastic. He had gangrene.

I flew over. Maybe I could have walked away and left M to be a John Doe. It was tough for me driving in the US- with all that traffic. But I did make it. The VA guys had actually looked out for him and spoken to him a few times. They helped me to clean out his home. Was able to give away all his whitewall etc, and lots of other stuff. The VA guys got all his loose change. In that neck of the woods the local bank has a machine that counts loose change. All a part of the deal.

So I was able to pay my final respects to him. I had him cremated and bought his ashes home Plus his banjo and a bit of other stuff.

I had no illusions that this would bring the family together. Both our parents have passed; and our stepfather passed early this year. They did pitch in as we wound up his estate. I had to work with the attorney etc etc. I am lucky I am able to grieve, and to grieve well. At my first meeting in Alanon  they said that we had to pick up our emotions. And grief does come with that. So does love and joy and laughter- which came a while after that- but it is there now much of the time.

One of our brothers is sort of the family mascot. So I dealt with him- and laid the responsibility with him... sis is coming over here for a school reunion later this month and is not getting involved... but ah aint going nowhere, and I shall be here- if she happens to change her mind.

Other brother- not really interested.

M.'s first job was at a sheep station out the back of town. So I got permission to spread his ashes up there. I was working up there, at the top of the mountain this last year. Fine folks.

In our Foo our boundaries were all crumbled and broken. Sometimes missing. I believe in the rituals of encounter and the rites of passage- a lot. To creates boundaries- with significant connections. It is still one day at a time. I have a rocky outcrop lined up with nice native bush around it. I am a sentimentalist and want a place I can drive past and drive to to remember M. Especially in the first few years.

Having another brother there will be fantastic. P. was the closest in age to M. So I suppose he has emotions tucked away somewhere. And he chose the site... He can recall spending a day up on the sheep station with M. Which I think is a healthy way of coping.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Progress, not perfection...

...Haere atu e taina, e potiki ...haere ki te moe roa... haere, haere, haere...

farewell kid brother, for a long and peaceful sleep... farewell, farewell, farewell...  ...

Lovely Tribute David.
When I lost my son i discovered the importance of a memorial such as this . Thanks for sharing

Thank you for this share, David.  Sending you prayers and support.

Hugs,

Ellen

Mahalo David for your heart and loyalty and determination to be "whenever someone reaches out for help ...I want the hand of Al-Anon to always be there...and for that I am responsible."  Appropriate that I should wake up in that thought and message before reading your post.  HP is there with it's hand out reaching and you respond totally.  I find that so enabling to my own recovery.  Mahalo Piha.   ((((hugs))))