Hello All,
This is my first time posting. A few years back my family and I found out that my brother was an alcoholic. He is still and always will be an alcoholic, but he is in a very bad state currently. Just about a year ago he and his new wife split up, they sold their home, and he moved in with my parents with the intention of getting back on his feet. Well, back on his feet hasn't happened, and no plans are in sight. He lies and manipulates us all. On top of this he is a very bad diabetic. At times he is up drinking most of the night, sleeping all day, not checking his sugars etc. He has been to a sober living facility for 4 months in the past, but refuses to go back as he thinks he has learned everything he could have and won't learn anything new if he goes back. He's been to detox 17 times in the last year and a half. He has had so many close calls...diabetic seizures, choking on blood, ketoacidosis etc. Nothing seems to be a wake up call for him. There is no rock bottom. He is drinking and driving regularly and thinks no one is aware. He is still staying in my parents home and they ate at their breaking point. They are so exhausted, sad, and heartbroken they do not know what to do next. We are all stuck and desperate to help him, but he doesn't seem to truly want the help. My parents dont want to kick him out as they feel if something happens to him, they will have to live with that guilt. Something needs to happen soon! This can't continue, if it does we will lose my brother. I am desperate for some advice, suggestions, anything.
mamalioness said
Oct 2, 2019
Hey Feeling: Welcome to Alanon and I am glad you showed up and reached out here..We don't give advice..the only time that I, myself, do is if the person is in immediate physical danger (violence, etc) You cannot help him!!! your parents can't help him either...Sadly sometimes people have to come "this close" to death to hit their rock bottom...Seems he is not that far away, from what you describe..
IF your parents were to kick him out, it is NOT their fault if something happened to him, but I get it!! NO mom or dad wants to put their child out, even if he is as bad as your brother seems to be..Thats mom's and dad's lesson to learn...maybe some tough love, tossing him out MIGHT wake him up..It may not wake him up
I 'm glad you showed up here..Because Alanon is for US...the families and partners and children of Alcoholics...Alanon is for US..for US to learn how to detach from the drama and chaos and focus on US and OUR health and OUR serenity......I do hope you can get into some meetings, find a sponsor who can guide you with the 12 steps...You have been impacted by this addiction...I have an alcoholic brother and I get on pretty well with him because Programme taught me how to take care of me, not get sucked into his drama and drinking...yea, he goes MIA everynow and again, on a binge and I worry, but I practice detachment when I begin to worry more than what is healthy, yea, concern is normal, being obsessed, drowing in their issues is not healthy...I remember how I used to beg and plead with him to stop drinking because I really have no more siblings left....and I remember how we were always best mates, growing up, and its horrible to see him drink for days on end, needing days to recover from all the poison he is putting in his body....but I can NOW just DETACH from his drinking...I love him...hate the disease and when he called me, drinking,I would say, "lets talk tomorrow when U R sober" and I would hang up...THEN when he was sober, I would tell him.."when you call me, crying drunk, I am hanging up" and now he is "trained" DON"T call when I'm drinking
When I first arrived here, I read this entire board about 100 pages down , reading the shares and the replies, and i got a sponsor, I got workbooks and study books on the 12 steps, used, at Goodwill or a used bookshop, or literature (and there is tons of it) ONLINE...Yea,!! ONLINE I found worksheets on the steps, it was great!!! I tore into that with my sponsor and I finally figured out who I am and what I want, what is acceptable, what is not AND----I learned that I am POWERLESS over another's actions...even if they are killing themselves getting drunk/stoned....I am 100000% powerless over THEIR actions, but I don't have to go down with the Titanic...I CAN find my life boat (Alanon) and I CAN float away from the wreckage....
sending you comfort HUGS........others will welcome you and share with you, but for an interesting, nourishing experience, you got pages and pages ON THIS BOARD with the BEST learning tools you could imagine....EVERYTHING you need to learn about the steps, slogans, all of it..is right here at your fingertips...On the bottom of the main board, you will see the page numbers...of course this is #1, you start reading what catches your eye (I read pretty much all of it) down to as many pages you want...I surfed over 100 pages, I know...and trust me, you can find every answer to any questions you might have....right here......
JerryF said
Oct 2, 2019
Aloha FeelingLAD and welcome to the board. If you take the time and effort to read back over prior post from the membership and others you will find out that your awareness of the situation isn't that strange in fact it is pretty usual with the exception of the shares about the alcoholic and or addict finding a sober program. What I learned here and in the Al-Anon Family Groups is that beyond the alcoholic/addict I was married to and the family is was born into and the fact that I too got addicted, is that as the child of, brother of, relative of etc. I was much the same affected as the alcoholic and addict.
At first I rejected all attempts to help and educate me as I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know about the disease in my life and wanted to seem beyond needing help and the consequences were that I most often made the wrong decisions about it and got the wrong consequences.
The American Medical Association told me that Alcoholism was a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which pretty well covered 100% of all of the alcoholics and addicts in my life and myself. At that time I was married to an alcoholic and addict she being one of many relationships I had been in and she being a woman who was chasing my drinking. The disease is a fatal one and we were dying together.
The added effects your brother is having along with the alcoholism are normal and natural...if he continues to drink the chances are real that it will take his life. It need not take yours or your families. Yes it is also fatal to those who (often) are attached to the alcoholic even though they do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. That was real for me...this disease is cunning, powerful and baffling.
It was a miracle for me that I found the programs of Al-Anon and AA so that I could learn first hand from those who came before me and were willing to share their recoveries with me. I have a sober/sane life today and suggest you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number to the Al-Anon Family Groups and call to find out where they are at and when to they next meet and then go with a wide open mind to as many meetings that you can for the next 90 days and continue to listen and participate. Keep coming back here also and let us know how it is going for you and your family. With love and compassion. ((((hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 3, 2019
Welcome FeelingLAD. I am so glad you shared, even though I am saddened by what brings you here. This disease is cunning, baffling, and insidious. It affects EVERYONE in the family to varying degrees. The hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around at first was the "Three C's" as they call them here:
You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you sure as heck can't Cure it.
It is very important to come to understand this basic fact of addiction (no matter what the substance is). Because outside forces will assign blame (as parents they should've done x,y,z, or as the spouse you should have some control over your mate), your Qualifier will 98% of the time say it's your fault they drink, or otherwise gas-light you into doubting yourself, and finally (but maybe most important) our Egos tell us that we can Control this.... we can be the Cure - we just need to love more, do more, BE MORE!
Just like the others, I would like to gently suggest (we do not give advice in Al-Anon, but share our ESH - Experience, Strength, and Hope) that you educate yourself on the disease of addiction and check out face 2 face meetings. Educating yourself is not as involved as it sounds. I went to meetings, read just about every post on this site, and also viewed all that I could on Youtube (TedTalks & the like). Get pamphlets and give them to your parents. Perhaps even schedule going to a Family & Friends meeting if your parents are agreeable (I, along with my Ex's family went to quite a few in the beginning - it was eye-opening). Just remember that your parents, no matter how "fed up" they may be, might not be ready to accept that they cannot Cure your brother.
I wish for you, strength of the soul and clarity of the mind. Keep coming back. It really does work, but you need to "work it!"
&
bud said
Oct 3, 2019
Great responses above - just saying hello & welcome - you're in the right place.
SerenityRUS said
Oct 3, 2019
Welcome and just keep coming back.
S :)
Iamhere said
Oct 3, 2019
I too send a warm welcome to you. I am so sorry for the worry, fear and reality of your brother having 2 life-threatening diseases which are not currently being treated. I love what's been shared above and hope that you'll find a way to embrace your own recovery and detach as best you can in a healthy manner. Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
Maresie888 said
Oct 3, 2019
Most of us come to this board really desperate. I certainly.did
I.got a tremendous amount of help
There is hope
You can be the support for your parents
I am so glad you found this really impressive resource. I hope you will allow the warmth, love compassion and understanding you can find here to move you to another level
I have had my ups and downs since I joined this community
Al anon has been a solid rock for me
I am glad you are reaching out for you
Maresie
Bo said
Oct 3, 2019
I strongly suggest you and your family members -- one, go to face to face alanon meetings, as many and as often as you can. Two, read the literature, learn about the tools of alanon and how they are used to help us get better and get healthy. Three, find a sponsor, and start working with him/her. Lastly, start working the program. That sounds simple, but it is not. Alanon is a program of change -- that is US making change -- change in our thinking, mindset, thinking, actions, reactions, behavior, and more.
What you've been thinking, doing, reacting to, etc. -- is what got you here. Doing more of the same thing...will keep you here!!!
Doing something different, making change...will get you out of here...and will allow you to get better and get healthy.
IF your parents were to kick him out, it is NOT their fault if something happened to him, but I get it!! NO mom or dad wants to put their child out, even if he is as bad as your brother seems to be..Thats mom's and dad's lesson to learn...maybe some tough love, tossing him out MIGHT wake him up..It may not wake him up
I 'm glad you showed up here..Because Alanon is for US...the families and partners and children of Alcoholics...Alanon is for US..for US to learn how to detach from the drama and chaos and focus on US and OUR health and OUR serenity......I do hope you can get into some meetings, find a sponsor who can guide you with the 12 steps...You have been impacted by this addiction...I have an alcoholic brother and I get on pretty well with him because Programme taught me how to take care of me, not get sucked into his drama and drinking...yea, he goes MIA everynow and again, on a binge and I worry, but I practice detachment when I begin to worry more than what is healthy, yea, concern is normal, being obsessed, drowing in their issues is not healthy...I remember how I used to beg and plead with him to stop drinking because I really have no more siblings left....and I remember how we were always best mates, growing up, and its horrible to see him drink for days on end, needing days to recover from all the poison he is putting in his body....but I can NOW just DETACH from his drinking...I love him...hate the disease and when he called me, drinking,I would say, "lets talk tomorrow when U R sober" and I would hang up...THEN when he was sober, I would tell him.."when you call me, crying drunk, I am hanging up" and now he is "trained" DON"T call when I'm drinking
When I first arrived here, I read this entire board about 100 pages down , reading the shares and the replies, and i got a sponsor, I got workbooks and study books on the 12 steps, used, at Goodwill or a used bookshop, or literature (and there is tons of it) ONLINE...Yea,!! ONLINE I found worksheets on the steps, it was great!!! I tore into that with my sponsor and I finally figured out who I am and what I want, what is acceptable, what is not AND----I learned that I am POWERLESS over another's actions...even if they are killing themselves getting drunk/stoned....I am 100000% powerless over THEIR actions, but I don't have to go down with the Titanic...I CAN find my life boat (Alanon) and I CAN float away from the wreckage....
sending you comfort HUGS........others will welcome you and share with you, but for an interesting, nourishing experience, you got pages and pages ON THIS BOARD with the BEST learning tools you could imagine....EVERYTHING you need to learn about the steps, slogans, all of it..is right here at your fingertips...On the bottom of the main board, you will see the page numbers...of course this is #1, you start reading what catches your eye (I read pretty much all of it) down to as many pages you want...I surfed over 100 pages, I know...and trust me, you can find every answer to any questions you might have....right here......
Aloha FeelingLAD and welcome to the board. If you take the time and effort to read back over prior post from the membership and others you will find out that your awareness of the situation isn't that strange in fact it is pretty usual with the exception of the shares about the alcoholic and or addict finding a sober program. What I learned here and in the Al-Anon Family Groups is that beyond the alcoholic/addict I was married to and the family is was born into and the fact that I too got addicted, is that as the child of, brother of, relative of etc. I was much the same affected as the alcoholic and addict.
At first I rejected all attempts to help and educate me as I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know about the disease in my life and wanted to seem beyond needing help and the consequences were that I most often made the wrong decisions about it and got the wrong consequences.
The American Medical Association told me that Alcoholism was a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which pretty well covered 100% of all of the alcoholics and addicts in my life and myself. At that time I was married to an alcoholic and addict she being one of many relationships I had been in and she being a woman who was chasing my drinking. The disease is a fatal one and we were dying together.
The added effects your brother is having along with the alcoholism are normal and natural...if he continues to drink the chances are real that it will take his life. It need not take yours or your families. Yes it is also fatal to those who (often) are attached to the alcoholic even though they do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. That was real for me...this disease is cunning, powerful and baffling.
It was a miracle for me that I found the programs of Al-Anon and AA so that I could learn first hand from those who came before me and were willing to share their recoveries with me. I have a sober/sane life today and suggest you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number to the Al-Anon Family Groups and call to find out where they are at and when to they next meet and then go with a wide open mind to as many meetings that you can for the next 90 days and continue to listen and participate. Keep coming back here also and let us know how it is going for you and your family. With love and compassion. ((((hugs))))
Welcome FeelingLAD. I am so glad you shared, even though I am saddened by what brings you here. This disease is cunning, baffling, and insidious. It affects EVERYONE in the family to varying degrees. The hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around at first was the "Three C's" as they call them here:
You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you sure as heck can't Cure it.
It is very important to come to understand this basic fact of addiction (no matter what the substance is). Because outside forces will assign blame (as parents they should've done x,y,z, or as the spouse you should have some control over your mate), your Qualifier will 98% of the time say it's your fault they drink, or otherwise gas-light you into doubting yourself, and finally (but maybe most important) our Egos tell us that we can Control this.... we can be the Cure - we just need to love more, do more, BE MORE!
Just like the others, I would like to gently suggest (we do not give advice in Al-Anon, but share our ESH - Experience, Strength, and Hope) that you educate yourself on the disease of addiction and check out face 2 face meetings. Educating yourself is not as involved as it sounds. I went to meetings, read just about every post on this site, and also viewed all that I could on Youtube (TedTalks & the like). Get pamphlets and give them to your parents. Perhaps even schedule going to a Family & Friends meeting if your parents are agreeable (I, along with my Ex's family went to quite a few in the beginning - it was eye-opening). Just remember that your parents, no matter how "fed up" they may be, might not be ready to accept that they cannot Cure your brother.
I wish for you, strength of the soul and clarity of the mind. Keep coming back. It really does work, but you need to "work it!"
S :)
What you've been thinking, doing, reacting to, etc. -- is what got you here. Doing more of the same thing...will keep you here!!!
Doing something different, making change...will get you out of here...and will allow you to get better and get healthy.
All the best.