My mother is an alcoholic in denial. And she is old and not in good health. The actual person inside of her was gifted at end of life care which she did professionally and seemed to be called to do by design many times. She has provided exceptional end of life care for three elderly persons in our family and honestly I can think of no one better suited to caring generally. So it is absolutely appalling that in her personal life, her alcoholism and aaalll the ism's that come along with that could well preclude her from having anyone to provide that back to her as the time approaches.
I am hurting alot at not being able to forgive her for things that I thought I had forgiven but have not because when she makes dumb decisions I feel complete contempt for her and the shame of her disease. I just can not seem to get past it right now.
Everytime she binges, which I have to admit she is trying her best not to but eventually the compulsion just wins, the following days result in sleeping without eating or moving and then there is some kind of medical drama like thinking shes having a heart attack or an asthma attack or just some damn kind of attack needing medical care. I look at her and I feel ZERO compassion because to me she does it to herself. It is not rocket science.
I think raising a young family alone is not helping my patience; there is not a lot of room for what I see as stupid decisions on anyone's part.
I don't know what I am looking for as I post this, but it sure helps to let it out. Thanks for listening.
a4l said
Sep 28, 2019
I feel really sad to read those words back to myself.
Iamhere said
Sep 28, 2019
Oh girl - I hear you loud and clear! I really do not have any answers for you but we share a very similar experience with our mothers. My mother, exactly as her father, has become an intolerable drunk in her senior years. I say intolerable because it is driving my father absolutely crazy. I feel for both of them, and have let go of the anger/disgust over time. My father's father also was a mean, unstable drunk but it happened when my father was a child. The disease presented itself to both of my parents, at different points in life.
I share that simply because it seems to have deeply affected them, differently. My mother also has dementia, so not only does she not remember her father was an alcoholic, she doesn't remember that she drank yesterday, let alone how much. My father will have one/two drinks and be done - I've never seen him drunk in my life, which is rare in my family.
What I know is that I worked with my sponsor to let go of my mother's disease. I might have more empathy since I am directly affected by the disease, who knows. What I do know is that I have prayed for her, multiple times per day, and that did help me replace my anger/resentments with compassion and forgiveness. There is a selfish element here - I did not want her leaving this earthly place, and me left with unspoken words or incomplete living amends.
As with all things in recovery, I do try to hold onto what is good. She did give me life, and she kept me alive. She provided for me as a mother would and I do fundamentally believe that she loves me. Her heart smiles when she sees me, my kids and her great grand-kids. With the health issues and the dementia, she's also teaching me much, much more about living one day at a time and staying present.
My father called me on speaker phone this week because my mother was 'misbehaving'. I let him vent and then let her vent and then asked how I could be of service. Neither had any ideas, so we ended the call with me suggesting I'd call on Sunday to check on them. I have no doubt when I call tomorrow, it won't be mentioned and it will be over/better/ignored/resolved. His mind is way better than hers but not by much!
You do have a stressful life! You are a great mother and a great daughter! I love how you shared it hear instead of 'there'. The me BR (Before Recovery) would have had no issue in telling mine exactly what I thought of her and her drinking. Today, instead, if I feel the need to say anything, I just tell her that I am worried about her and want her last chapter to be as peaceful and happy for her as possible...then I just let it go and know God's got this!
Hang in there! And - venting about this disease in others is healthy AND there is no shame in being sad.....this disease does affect those of us who love another like that. (((Hugs)))
DavidG said
Sep 28, 2019
A41... I read your share- like you are laying out carpet ahead- to somewhere you might like to go- but not fully aware of where that might be...
I have messages- like 'don't deal [with things]. 'Don't meddle with what is...' ...but I myself took that journey, in faith; and do not regret it.
Life sucks, otherwise. And I found that it sucked a lot more- when I stood still... ...
hotrod said
Sep 29, 2019
(A$!))) I am sorry that you are enduring this pain. I found prayer helped me in situations such as this. It reduced my anxiety and allowed me to interact with the person with compassion. You and Mom will be in my thoughts and prayers
Temple said
Sep 29, 2019
Bless your hearts--all of you.
I have no answers, but am holding all of you in my thoughts.
My sweet neighbor is going through pretty much the same thing. I've given her my al-anon lit and told her about al-anon. Having a mother who is a very sick A must be right up there with having children who are affected.
I know you are doing your best to take care of yourself for you and your children.
I don't know why our culture is so hung up on alcohol. Does it do any good? It certainly supports a lot of misery.
Temple
sunmustshine said
Sep 29, 2019
(((((a41)))))
Its understandable that youre feeling contempt. I have an AH who is in and out of rehab. His last time around, he vanished the day after his program ended, not to be seen since. I feel rage when I think of what hes put on me alone essentially as a single parent if I let myself go in that direction. Sometimes it helps me to realize the rage and contempt are at the disease and what it has done to my marriage and family. Focusing on any of those feelings is never helpful for me. There is a negative spiral that I do everything I can to avoid. Instead I let a gratitude list save me. I have my beautiful child who is the most precious gift, my pups, my health, my family and friends, my career, and my peace and serenity. I could sit here and look at today as a fractured family with no future or as a gorgeous fall day where I can take it easy on myself, not expecting too much out of myself for today, not needing to go to work today, surrounded by my darlings. Ill take the latter any day and add to it, there is no disappointment around the corner for me today, there is no one showing me their unhappiness with their disease, no one here and just not helping out, no one here insulting me and taking me for granted. Today my space is calm, safe and full of love and happiness of my choosing. Im blessed by HP and can feel it. Some time ago I would have cried all day focusing on loss and disappointment worrying about things I cant control (him, alcolism, future, etc). Today I try the best I can. I dont have this down by any stretch of the imagination. I was far from perfect in my reaction to his walking out the day after rehab, but im not trying to be perfect. I forgive myself my mistakes and know im a MIP. Im kind and gentle with myself as I keep the focus on myself and pray to HP to guide me and help me.
I wish you so much peace and strength as you continue your amazing life with your mom in it. Know this disease is cunning and awful. We super moms keep it together and moving forward believing we can handle anything. We have to. Just know this disease is something different. We didnt cause it, cant control it, and cant change it. We can just take care of ourselves so we can continue to see the beauty in life every day.
a4l said
Sep 29, 2019
Thank you for loving me through this each and every one of you. I get triggered so easily. It brings up shame and unworthiness underneath all the anger. I took myself to the beach today with the children. My heart is still really heavy, but Im telling myself that feelings are not facts and trying hard to remember the person not the disease. It is so hard. Thank you again for being here. xo
canadianguy said
Sep 30, 2019
Tough spot to be in and feeling, to be sure. There are no right or wrong answers on these types of things, but one exercise that might help you walk your way through the challenging times ahead....
Imagine yourself, two years after your Mom's passing.... are you comfortable & at peace with how you handled things? If not, what changes would you have made, that would have contributed to this comfort and peace?
In the end, this is an amazing opportunity to practice self-care, and behave in ways that are right and helpful for you, and your long-term serenity and well-being....
The "gentle mirror" approach is a valuable tool, in life and in death...
Hugs
Tom
Maresie888 said
Oct 2, 2019
My mother was not an alcoholic but had major mental health issues
She made some impulsive choices in the last years of her life. I have been very critical of my family choices when it came to where they chose to have my mother be
The truth us they, both my mother and father were always unmanageable. There was not one day of their lives that was manageable
I felt robbed most of my life of a mother and a family that I.wanted. it is natural to grieve. It is natural to be angry that the situation is so frustrating. Then I spent 7 years with a.man who was incredibly frustrating in his alcoholism/addiction
These days I do not have to be sunk down in those kind of situations
We only have one mother and mine was hugely disappointing to me. I have moments these days when I can feel compassion.for her. I can even forgive small things.
There is one doctor in San Francisco who was at the hub of the AIDs crisis. He cane up with a phrase #we #We die as we live#
I know my mother did but all things considered her life was the way she wanted it. My rage was all about it was not the way I wanted it and of course that I was essentially excluded.
I hope you know you have the support of all of us in this very difficult time. Losing a parent is a major landmark in your life
Maresie
Maresie888 said
Oct 8, 2019
I was on extreme over load when my.mother was in active decline
I urge you to do lots of self care. Be radical about it
Maresie
2HP said
Oct 9, 2019
EDITED
I sooo relate to having an insane mother and the older she gets, the worse she gets. and under that very microscope... when I start seeing myself instead of her... seeing myself reacting ( they act and we react) I see where I am in my own recovery regarding mother. no shame since this is primal stuff in my brain. I just know I have the choice to keep referring to the wisdom of the steps.
I lean heavily on step 11 which allows me to "experience" a relationship with the Higher "Parent," one hour minimum every day. This relationship feels much more natural. step 11 is the ultimate detachment tool and the absolute ultimate in self-care, nothing else compares.
Mom triggers my anger for a simple reason, my mind begins thinking I still need something from her (dis-ease of perception since I am now an adult who understands my status as a child of the ONE who created the entire universe...) My mind often tells me "mothers should not be like this". when they are indeed like this. Arguing w reality brings me a lot of pain and suffering. And holding onto the expectation that mother should give me something that she does not even have to give - who is insane?
For me, "the test" is about my ability to use my experience with mother as spiritual motivation to get everything I desire from Higher Power instead, the only relationship capable of bringing supreme happiness. That is how the whole mess becomes spiritually useful for me. Not so hopeless, cruel and defeating.
I won't say it's always easy since it is so primal and my brain constantly re"minds" me and plays the old tapes. But just "practicing" step 3... control of my mind, where I do have power... continuously passing on dwelling or ruminating on negativity and sorrow ...which is how I play a part in my own suffering, re-living pain and sorrow again and again. I have the choice to instead fill my mind with thoughts of goodness, purity, prayer, affirmations (the Higher Power) ...the practice of Letting go and Letting god.... which really works, sometimes by herculean efforts, I admit.
The 12 steps show how Higher power is the "fixer" if only we make those steps personally relevant for ourselves. I have found the value in taking the steps deeper and deeper and there I realize God never meant to destroy me with a terrible mother. but to teach me to look to Him instead.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 9th of October 2019 04:13:33 PM
SerenityRUS said
Oct 9, 2019
Big Hugs,
I am not sure how to respond to your original post except say I can relate on a lot of levels of the ISM's and trying to get past the anger of the past as well as present.
Take care of you, .. stay in program when you can and allow yourself to grieve. It won't change the past .. I find allowing myself to acknowledge my shortcomings in wanting something different from someone who can't give me what I want from them it helps release the anger and gives me relief of my feelings. It really is part of the grieving process of acceptance of allowing someone to be where they are. It's ok. It's really ok to be where you are at, and while getting past the past is a blessing it's a journey that is different for everyone and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to process that. The only actual wrong way to go is to hang on to the expectation that the other person will see the light.
Sometimes self care is knowing what you can handle with the other person and what you can't. That's an internal boundary right there, knowing my limits and when I need to recharge.
My mother is an alcoholic in denial. And she is old and not in good health. The actual person inside of her was gifted at end of life care which she did professionally and seemed to be called to do by design many times. She has provided exceptional end of life care for three elderly persons in our family and honestly I can think of no one better suited to caring generally. So it is absolutely appalling that in her personal life, her alcoholism and aaalll the ism's that come along with that could well preclude her from having anyone to provide that back to her as the time approaches.
I am hurting alot at not being able to forgive her for things that I thought I had forgiven but have not because when she makes dumb decisions I feel complete contempt for her and the shame of her disease. I just can not seem to get past it right now.
Everytime she binges, which I have to admit she is trying her best not to but eventually the compulsion just wins, the following days result in sleeping without eating or moving and then there is some kind of medical drama like thinking shes having a heart attack or an asthma attack or just some damn kind of attack needing medical care. I look at her and I feel ZERO compassion because to me she does it to herself. It is not rocket science.
I think raising a young family alone is not helping my patience; there is not a lot of room for what I see as stupid decisions on anyone's part.
I don't know what I am looking for as I post this, but it sure helps to let it out. Thanks for listening.
I share that simply because it seems to have deeply affected them, differently. My mother also has dementia, so not only does she not remember her father was an alcoholic, she doesn't remember that she drank yesterday, let alone how much. My father will have one/two drinks and be done - I've never seen him drunk in my life, which is rare in my family.
What I know is that I worked with my sponsor to let go of my mother's disease. I might have more empathy since I am directly affected by the disease, who knows. What I do know is that I have prayed for her, multiple times per day, and that did help me replace my anger/resentments with compassion and forgiveness. There is a selfish element here - I did not want her leaving this earthly place, and me left with unspoken words or incomplete living amends.
As with all things in recovery, I do try to hold onto what is good. She did give me life, and she kept me alive. She provided for me as a mother would and I do fundamentally believe that she loves me. Her heart smiles when she sees me, my kids and her great grand-kids. With the health issues and the dementia, she's also teaching me much, much more about living one day at a time and staying present.
My father called me on speaker phone this week because my mother was 'misbehaving'. I let him vent and then let her vent and then asked how I could be of service. Neither had any ideas, so we ended the call with me suggesting I'd call on Sunday to check on them. I have no doubt when I call tomorrow, it won't be mentioned and it will be over/better/ignored/resolved. His mind is way better than hers but not by much!
You do have a stressful life! You are a great mother and a great daughter! I love how you shared it hear instead of 'there'. The me BR (Before Recovery) would have had no issue in telling mine exactly what I thought of her and her drinking. Today, instead, if I feel the need to say anything, I just tell her that I am worried about her and want her last chapter to be as peaceful and happy for her as possible...then I just let it go and know God's got this!
Hang in there! And - venting about this disease in others is healthy AND there is no shame in being sad.....this disease does affect those of us who love another like that. (((Hugs)))
A41... I read your share- like you are laying out carpet ahead- to somewhere you might like to go- but not fully aware of where that might be...
I have messages- like 'don't deal [with things]. 'Don't meddle with what is...' ...but I myself took that journey, in faith; and do not regret it.
Life sucks, otherwise. And I found that it sucked a lot more- when I stood still...
...
(A$!))) I am sorry that you are enduring this pain. I found prayer helped me in situations such as this. It reduced my anxiety and allowed me to interact with the person with compassion.
You and Mom will be in my thoughts and prayers
I have no answers, but am holding all of you in my thoughts.
My sweet neighbor is going through pretty much the same thing. I've given her my al-anon lit and told her about al-anon. Having a mother who is a very sick A must be right up there with having children who are affected.
I know you are doing your best to take care of yourself for you and your children.
I don't know why our culture is so hung up on alcohol. Does it do any good? It certainly supports a lot of misery.
Temple
Thank you for loving me through this each and every one of you. I get triggered so easily. It brings up shame and unworthiness underneath all the anger. I took myself to the beach today with the children. My heart is still really heavy, but Im telling myself that feelings are not facts and trying hard to remember the person not the disease. It is so hard. Thank you again for being here. xo
Tough spot to be in and feeling, to be sure. There are no right or wrong answers on these types of things, but one exercise that might help you walk your way through the challenging times ahead....
Imagine yourself, two years after your Mom's passing.... are you comfortable & at peace with how you handled things? If not, what changes would you have made, that would have contributed to this comfort and peace?
In the end, this is an amazing opportunity to practice self-care, and behave in ways that are right and helpful for you, and your long-term serenity and well-being....
The "gentle mirror" approach is a valuable tool, in life and in death...
Hugs
Tom
EDITED
I sooo relate to having an insane mother and the older she gets, the worse she gets. and under that very microscope... when I start seeing myself instead of her... seeing myself reacting ( they act and we react) I see where I am in my own recovery regarding mother. no shame since this is primal stuff in my brain. I just know I have the choice to keep referring to the wisdom of the steps.
I lean heavily on step 11 which allows me to "experience" a relationship with the Higher "Parent," one hour minimum every day. This relationship feels much more natural. step 11 is the ultimate detachment tool and the absolute ultimate in self-care, nothing else compares.
Mom triggers my anger for a simple reason, my mind begins thinking I still need something from her (dis-ease of perception since I am now an adult who understands my status as a child of the ONE who created the entire universe...) My mind often tells me "mothers should not be like this". when they are indeed like this. Arguing w reality brings me a lot of pain and suffering. And holding onto the expectation that mother should give me something that she does not even have to give - who is insane?
For me, "the test" is about my ability to use my experience with mother as spiritual motivation to get everything I desire from Higher Power instead, the only relationship capable of bringing supreme happiness. That is how the whole mess becomes spiritually useful for me. Not so hopeless, cruel and defeating.
I won't say it's always easy since it is so primal and my brain constantly re"minds" me and plays the old tapes. But just "practicing" step 3... control of my mind, where I do have power... continuously passing on dwelling or ruminating on negativity and sorrow ...which is how I play a part in my own suffering, re-living pain and sorrow again and again. I have the choice to instead fill my mind with thoughts of goodness, purity, prayer, affirmations (the Higher Power) ...the practice of Letting go and Letting god.... which really works, sometimes by herculean efforts, I admit.
The 12 steps show how Higher power is the "fixer" if only we make those steps personally relevant for ourselves. I have found the value in taking the steps deeper and deeper and there I realize God never meant to destroy me with a terrible mother. but to teach me to look to Him instead.
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 9th of October 2019 04:13:33 PM
I am not sure how to respond to your original post except say I can relate on a lot of levels of the ISM's and trying to get past the anger of the past as well as present.
Take care of you, .. stay in program when you can and allow yourself to grieve. It won't change the past .. I find allowing myself to acknowledge my shortcomings in wanting something different from someone who can't give me what I want from them it helps release the anger and gives me relief of my feelings. It really is part of the grieving process of acceptance of allowing someone to be where they are. It's ok. It's really ok to be where you are at, and while getting past the past is a blessing it's a journey that is different for everyone and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to process that. The only actual wrong way to go is to hang on to the expectation that the other person will see the light.
Sometimes self care is knowing what you can handle with the other person and what you can't. That's an internal boundary right there, knowing my limits and when I need to recharge.
Hugs S :)