It seems I am struggling more with his recovery than the 20 years of addiction
cmarsh4 said
Sep 23, 2019
My husband and I have been married for 30 plus years. He was a highly functional alcoholic for 20 years. He still went to work, he was never physically abusive and was a good father. In the last few years his drinking got worse and worse. I quit wanting to go places with him because he always insisted on driving. I was always watching what I said so I didn't set off an argument. We became less and less intimate. I still loved him more than anything else but had started considering leaving him. About 3 months ago he was reunited with his biological sister, who is also an alcoholic. After a few weeks he quit drinking and due to unfortunate circumstances for his sister she then moved in with us. He says that seeing her struggle with alcohol has made him see clear and he just quit cold turkey and has done awesome. He says he wants to make up for the bad times and not loose his family. He has completely changed back to the man I first married. He has been great to me and we have really worked on some of our issues. Here is the horrible thing, I can't stop thinking why was I not "enough", why did it take his sister to wake him up. I feel extremely jealous that she was the trigger to make him quit, but I know it was actually God that pulled him out of the pit with years and years of praying but I keep going back to the same place in my mind. I cant help keep thinking if he really loves me than why didn't he want to quit to get his family back sooner. Him and his sister have this bond between them and I feel so left out. I don't want to bring any of this up to him because I know how selfish it sounds and I am tremendously grateful that he stopped drinking and is really trying to be a better person and husband. I hate feeling this way and just needed a safe place to express my feelings.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 23, 2019
Welcome here cmarsh,
You are not the only one I have heard within the rooms of recovery express the "why wasn't I enough" .. it's just not about you. His drinking, .. you didn't cause it, control it or cure it and guess what neither did his sister. He just had his moment of he's ready.
I would encourage you to attend an alanon meeting if nothing else just because it is a safe place to share and work on you. He's going to do what he's going to do which is drink or be sober .. again .. that's not about you .. what is about you is getting healthy and remembering who you were before the disease of alcoholism derailed you. I find that A's are arrested in development and it caused me to back slide as well .. so I had to get healthy to understand what was going on with me .. not about him.
Big hugs and welcome :)
Maresie888 said
Sep 23, 2019
The now ex A and I had tremendous issues with his family
Bringing another person into your household has to be a strain on you
I don't think it is selfish by any means to have feelings. Feelings are normal. How we act on those feelings is a sign of maturity
I would be having a lot.of feelings when the thing I.desired mist came about
Of course no one gets sober for anything ultimately they get sober for themselves
You are most certainly.entitled to your feelings
I often feel grief when I am around people who finally get sober
Be trie to yourself honor your feelings.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Sep 23, 2019
Welcome to MIP cmarsh4 - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I too would suggest seeking out and attending some local Al-Anon meetings. That's where you can get some great local support and tools. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that is progressive, powerful and baffling. It's also considered a family disease as most who live with or love an alcoholic are affected.
You really are enough - simply put. His disease and his recovery are really on 'the other side of the street' even in a marriage. What I hear (outside looking in) is he now 'sees' in his sister how he was and no longer wants that AND he wants to be with YOU and make it up to YOU!
I am a double winner (AA & Al-Anon) and can share that nobody could have convinced me that I needed to stop drinking/drugging. I had no interest in what others felt, thought and said - the disease creates a level of selfishness that's hard to understand unless you've BTDT - Been There, Done That! I had to hit my bottom, become sick and tired or being sick and tired before I was ready to try recovery. Based on the stories I've heard, that rings true often - hitting a bottom (whatever triggers it) and yes - the God-given gift of desperation.
So, you are not the cause, the issue, the fix or 'anything' of the like. I hear the hurt and can so relate - I've BTDT with my AH (Alcoholic Husband). I had to come to a place of accepting that this is a disease, I'm not the cause of it, can't control it nor can I cure it. What I can do is focus on me and my healing from the affects of this disease, and Al-Anon really helped me with all of that.
You are not alone, and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
Aloha said
Sep 24, 2019
Welcome cmarsh4
I think others have said it pretty succinctly, and the suggestions to visit some face-to-face meetings are spot on. I hope you try some out, because as others have said you'll find others there who understand and are there to support you. There are many members there, too, who will understand the challenges that arise with an alcoholic fresh in recovery.
I also wanted to be the shining light in someone's life - their reason for a miraculous change. I always had this fantasy around the "bad boys" in my life - that they would be tough and rebellious... except for ME. I was supposed to be their special exception. That's completely unrealistic.
But one thing I did finally come to realize was that I absolutely COULD be the shining light in someone's life and affect miraculous change... that person I could change and champion was ME.
You are definitely enough. Remember that. I hope you take some time to be your shining light in your life. You deserve it and more.
Lyne said
Sep 24, 2019
Welcome cmarsh4. I am reminded of the 3 Cs-You didnt cause it, you cant control it, and you sure as heck cant cure it. I also felt I wasnt good enough to fix my A and I was even blamed by my mother in law. Addiction is a stubborn and horrible disease. The best thing I did for myself was join alanon and become a stronger and healthier person. Keep coming back, Lyne
Bo said
Sep 24, 2019
So, after all you "did" and all the "sacrifices" you made and all that you "put up with" -- you are not enough? That's a disconnect. If you are jealous that someone else got him to quit and not you -- OK, I'll buy that. I mean, I don't buy it, but I understand. That is something you sit down with your sponsor on -- and you do the work around that. Plain and simple. She didn't make him quit. God didn't either. HE DID. Period. He made a decision. God may have supported him, had his back, etc. -- and you can fill in whatever you believe, want, etc. This is a spiritual program -- not a religious one!!!
He made a decision. YOU say what triggered him, what he saw, etc. -- he is an alcoholic!!! You cannot put any credibility into anything he says about his disease! Maybe, later on, down the road, when he truly gets better -- and has some real sobriety under him -- then you can see what he says, but not now. Listen -- right now -- he has NO IDEA what he "did to you" or "caused you" or whatever. He is an alcoholic!!! He was focused on drinking -- not you! Not what he said, did, made you feel, or whatever. His disease was about him and his drinking. Period.
Perhaps you are a newcomer/beginner. If you are, I can understand that this is all new to you and you don't have a lot of program under you, behind you, etc.
Go to meetings!!! Find a sponsor. Start doing the work!!! You can and will get better!
cmarsh4 said
Sep 24, 2019
Thank you all for the great replies. This is all new to me and I appreciate your understanding and support.
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2019
cmarsh - we were all new once upon a time too! Keep coming back and it does get better with time, practice, etc.
Bo said
Sep 25, 2019
When you are a newcomer/beginner, not only are the things you are facing, feeling, seeing, dealing with, hard...but the change we learn we can make in alanon is also hard.
Some of the tools, slogans, etc., may seem not just counterintuitive, but also a foreign language. It's very different than what we had been doing. So making these changes can be hard. As a newcomer/beginner, some of these tools may seem to advanced, to difficult or complex, to try yet alone successfully implement. That's OK too.
It gets better if you make an effort and do the work.
Keep going back (to face to face meetings). All the best.
My husband and I have been married for 30 plus years. He was a highly functional alcoholic for 20 years. He still went to work, he was never physically abusive and was a good father. In the last few years his drinking got worse and worse. I quit wanting to go places with him because he always insisted on driving. I was always watching what I said so I didn't set off an argument. We became less and less intimate. I still loved him more than anything else but had started considering leaving him. About 3 months ago he was reunited with his biological sister, who is also an alcoholic. After a few weeks he quit drinking and due to unfortunate circumstances for his sister she then moved in with us. He says that seeing her struggle with alcohol has made him see clear and he just quit cold turkey and has done awesome. He says he wants to make up for the bad times and not loose his family. He has completely changed back to the man I first married. He has been great to me and we have really worked on some of our issues. Here is the horrible thing, I can't stop thinking why was I not "enough", why did it take his sister to wake him up. I feel extremely jealous that she was the trigger to make him quit, but I know it was actually God that pulled him out of the pit with years and years of praying but I keep going back to the same place in my mind. I cant help keep thinking if he really loves me than why didn't he want to quit to get his family back sooner. Him and his sister have this bond between them and I feel so left out. I don't want to bring any of this up to him because I know how selfish it sounds and I am tremendously grateful that he stopped drinking and is really trying to be a better person and husband. I hate feeling this way and just needed a safe place to express my feelings.
You are not the only one I have heard within the rooms of recovery express the "why wasn't I enough" .. it's just not about you. His drinking, .. you didn't cause it, control it or cure it and guess what neither did his sister. He just had his moment of he's ready.
I would encourage you to attend an alanon meeting if nothing else just because it is a safe place to share and work on you. He's going to do what he's going to do which is drink or be sober .. again .. that's not about you .. what is about you is getting healthy and remembering who you were before the disease of alcoholism derailed you. I find that A's are arrested in development and it caused me to back slide as well .. so I had to get healthy to understand what was going on with me .. not about him.
Big hugs and welcome :)
You really are enough - simply put. His disease and his recovery are really on 'the other side of the street' even in a marriage. What I hear (outside looking in) is he now 'sees' in his sister how he was and no longer wants that AND he wants to be with YOU and make it up to YOU!
I am a double winner (AA & Al-Anon) and can share that nobody could have convinced me that I needed to stop drinking/drugging. I had no interest in what others felt, thought and said - the disease creates a level of selfishness that's hard to understand unless you've BTDT - Been There, Done That! I had to hit my bottom, become sick and tired or being sick and tired before I was ready to try recovery. Based on the stories I've heard, that rings true often - hitting a bottom (whatever triggers it) and yes - the God-given gift of desperation.
So, you are not the cause, the issue, the fix or 'anything' of the like. I hear the hurt and can so relate - I've BTDT with my AH (Alcoholic Husband). I had to come to a place of accepting that this is a disease, I'm not the cause of it, can't control it nor can I cure it. What I can do is focus on me and my healing from the affects of this disease, and Al-Anon really helped me with all of that.
You are not alone, and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
I think others have said it pretty succinctly, and the suggestions to visit some face-to-face meetings are spot on. I hope you try some out, because as others have said you'll find others there who understand and are there to support you. There are many members there, too, who will understand the challenges that arise with an alcoholic fresh in recovery.
I also wanted to be the shining light in someone's life - their reason for a miraculous change. I always had this fantasy around the "bad boys" in my life - that they would be tough and rebellious... except for ME. I was supposed to be their special exception. That's completely unrealistic.
But one thing I did finally come to realize was that I absolutely COULD be the shining light in someone's life and affect miraculous change... that person I could change and champion was ME.
You are definitely enough. Remember that. I hope you take some time to be your shining light in your life. You deserve it and more.
He made a decision. YOU say what triggered him, what he saw, etc. -- he is an alcoholic!!! You cannot put any credibility into anything he says about his disease! Maybe, later on, down the road, when he truly gets better -- and has some real sobriety under him -- then you can see what he says, but not now. Listen -- right now -- he has NO IDEA what he "did to you" or "caused you" or whatever. He is an alcoholic!!! He was focused on drinking -- not you! Not what he said, did, made you feel, or whatever. His disease was about him and his drinking. Period.
Perhaps you are a newcomer/beginner. If you are, I can understand that this is all new to you and you don't have a lot of program under you, behind you, etc.
Go to meetings!!! Find a sponsor. Start doing the work!!! You can and will get better!
Thank you all for the great replies. This is all new to me and I appreciate your understanding and support.
Some of the tools, slogans, etc., may seem not just counterintuitive, but also a foreign language. It's very different than what we had been doing. So making these changes can be hard. As a newcomer/beginner, some of these tools may seem to advanced, to difficult or complex, to try yet alone successfully implement. That's OK too.
It gets better if you make an effort and do the work.
Keep going back (to face to face meetings). All the best.