I appreciate you all for giving me a place to write and sort out my thoughts as well as share my story. I am pleasantly astonished from the warm welcome and the thoughtful and caring responses from my previous post https://alanon.activeboard.com/t65878307/where-my-story-began/.
I'd like to continue my story. I could go on and on about the memories I have of my grandfather. But when it comes to the disease of addiction and the chaos it causes, my grandfather is just scratching the surface in my family.
I used to spend a lot of time with my extended family as a young child. From when I can remember my family always had huge parties for holidays, special occasions, and cook outs. There was almost always beer and liquor. Enough alcohol to get an equal number of elephants drunk. I was so young though, my memory could be skewed. But I do remember my aunts were always shy of drinking, or very scant with their alcohol if they did drink. My uncles however seemed to be in competition with my grandfather and my grandfathers brothers. They would always have some drink on them, most anytime of the day, but especially during these events. An open bar event was like pigs being called for chow on a farm. I love my family, but I'm calling it like I remember it.
Usually after one of these events I would beg and plead with my aunts and uncles to take me to their house so I could play. They most always did. I don't remember a whole lot of bad moments at my aunts and uncles. I was usually visiting with my cousins than minding what they were doing. But my uncles more than likely beat their wives, and each of my aunts likely married more than one alcoholic that beat them. I am almost certain my uncles beat their wives, my one uncle came close right in front of me a few times. He never did beat her in front of me, but I remember seeing her bruises and making my own conclusions. My other uncle was even more tame, but still had his moments of rage. I'm not sure if he beat his wife or not. I don't think so, but both my uncles did divorce. Neither remarried. Their wives though not blood related will forever be my aunts. This is a trait my family taught me, how to make family with the people who matter when there is no blood relation.
2 of my moms sisters stayed near my hometown and my mom and grandma. 1 of them moved to the other side of the country and I wouldn't meet her until my teens. I used to stay at my aunts houses almost as much as my uncles. Maybe more. Sleepovers at each others family houses was pretty common. I can't say the same for my brother, which probably made/makes him feel left out. My cousins would stay at our house pretty often too. We were pretty tight knit for a long time. I do remember at one of my aunts houses she and her husband were fighting and he almost raped her in front of me. Of course there was alcohol involved. I don't remember my aunt drinking, but all of her husbands did. Up until recently anyways. Now that aunt is single, but the last guy she married was a sober guy. Her sons and daughters told me all kinds of horror stories. Some were raped, some were violently beaten. At the time I was in shock to think about what they had endured. Now I understand why many of them made their choices.
My other aunt had only been married twice that I can recollect. I never got to know her first husband as well as I should have. I know he liked to drink, and he is the father of 2 or 3 of my cousins. I also assume he used to get hostile with my aunt because I saw bruises on the face of his current wife before. The next guy my aunt married was a drinker, but he was very mild mannered. I rarely saw him raise his voice. He was a very kind and loving man from what I remember. When I stayed at their place, He would always sneak me a moonpie he had a stash of for his work lunches before I went to bed.
By the time I was 10 or 11 I had a strong handle of the type of person I didn't want to be. I stumbled and fell along the way. Not taking advantage of the wisdom my HP was teaching me. But I knew one thing for certain, I did not want to drink. I didn't like the taste, and I didn't like what it did to the men in my life. I was taught to treat others as I wanted to be treated, and I rarely saw anyone drinking who could maintain that status. My life principals revolve around that rule. It's very hard to practice constantly, but I would certainly make a valiant effort to correct my behavior if I was informed that I was not treating a person or people how I would want to be treated.
That is all I have time to share at the moment. I will be back to share more. Thank you to anyone who reads it. Any feedback is welcome.
-- Edited by HappyToe on Wednesday 11th of September 2019 08:20:54 PM
DavidG said
Sep 11, 2019
...great telling... ...great overview... ... IN the day I might have pitched in with my own stories... in these MIP groups- we really don't apply the no-cross-talk sideline... ...but it does make a lot more sense here, to hear you out. To offer you the space to talk, that we have been privileged to enjoy... the discussion and conversations that might come out of that- who knows.
One book that resonates with me- which is not in the Alanon lexicon- but which talks about the breadth and depth of the disease- is Angela's Ashes... and this one- more than any hit home, firstly the insight of the author- something which you share- but also the record it shows- of the depth of the disease.
Not for the faint hearted... and I am sure you are aware- of all the Alanon resources- which we can apply to assist us... ...
Maresie888 said
Sep 16, 2019
One thing I remembered recently was that I never wanted to go home to my parents house
We find very ingenious ways to get our needs Met as a child. I had to go outside the family to get my needs met. That set me up for a lot of problems but I survived.
That us one of the things I have been focused on lately. I worked on survival. I.did not learn skills to survive. I learned skills of how to get by
I am glad you are here and sharing your story
These days I can relate a lot of my history to my.difficulties
One thing al.anon has given me is that I am no longer looking fur a substitute parent
Now I have a different perspective. Getting to that point was a lifetime's work
Maresie
I appreciate you all for giving me a place to write and sort out my thoughts as well as share my story. I am pleasantly astonished from the warm welcome and the thoughtful and caring responses from my previous post https://alanon.activeboard.com/t65878307/where-my-story-began/.
I'd like to continue my story. I could go on and on about the memories I have of my grandfather. But when it comes to the disease of addiction and the chaos it causes, my grandfather is just scratching the surface in my family.
I used to spend a lot of time with my extended family as a young child. From when I can remember my family always had huge parties for holidays, special occasions, and cook outs. There was almost always beer and liquor. Enough alcohol to get an equal number of elephants drunk. I was so young though, my memory could be skewed. But I do remember my aunts were always shy of drinking, or very scant with their alcohol if they did drink. My uncles however seemed to be in competition with my grandfather and my grandfathers brothers. They would always have some drink on them, most anytime of the day, but especially during these events. An open bar event was like pigs being called for chow on a farm. I love my family, but I'm calling it like I remember it.
Usually after one of these events I would beg and plead with my aunts and uncles to take me to their house so I could play. They most always did. I don't remember a whole lot of bad moments at my aunts and uncles. I was usually visiting with my cousins than minding what they were doing. But my uncles more than likely beat their wives, and each of my aunts likely married more than one alcoholic that beat them. I am almost certain my uncles beat their wives, my one uncle came close right in front of me a few times. He never did beat her in front of me, but I remember seeing her bruises and making my own conclusions. My other uncle was even more tame, but still had his moments of rage. I'm not sure if he beat his wife or not. I don't think so, but both my uncles did divorce. Neither remarried. Their wives though not blood related will forever be my aunts. This is a trait my family taught me, how to make family with the people who matter when there is no blood relation.
2 of my moms sisters stayed near my hometown and my mom and grandma. 1 of them moved to the other side of the country and I wouldn't meet her until my teens. I used to stay at my aunts houses almost as much as my uncles. Maybe more. Sleepovers at each others family houses was pretty common. I can't say the same for my brother, which probably made/makes him feel left out. My cousins would stay at our house pretty often too. We were pretty tight knit for a long time. I do remember at one of my aunts houses she and her husband were fighting and he almost raped her in front of me. Of course there was alcohol involved. I don't remember my aunt drinking, but all of her husbands did. Up until recently anyways. Now that aunt is single, but the last guy she married was a sober guy. Her sons and daughters told me all kinds of horror stories. Some were raped, some were violently beaten. At the time I was in shock to think about what they had endured. Now I understand why many of them made their choices.
My other aunt had only been married twice that I can recollect. I never got to know her first husband as well as I should have. I know he liked to drink, and he is the father of 2 or 3 of my cousins. I also assume he used to get hostile with my aunt because I saw bruises on the face of his current wife before. The next guy my aunt married was a drinker, but he was very mild mannered. I rarely saw him raise his voice. He was a very kind and loving man from what I remember. When I stayed at their place, He would always sneak me a moonpie he had a stash of for his work lunches before I went to bed.
By the time I was 10 or 11 I had a strong handle of the type of person I didn't want to be. I stumbled and fell along the way. Not taking advantage of the wisdom my HP was teaching me. But I knew one thing for certain, I did not want to drink. I didn't like the taste, and I didn't like what it did to the men in my life. I was taught to treat others as I wanted to be treated, and I rarely saw anyone drinking who could maintain that status. My life principals revolve around that rule. It's very hard to practice constantly, but I would certainly make a valiant effort to correct my behavior if I was informed that I was not treating a person or people how I would want to be treated.
That is all I have time to share at the moment. I will be back to share more. Thank you to anyone who reads it. Any feedback is welcome.
-- Edited by HappyToe on Wednesday 11th of September 2019 08:20:54 PM
One book that resonates with me- which is not in the Alanon lexicon- but which talks about the breadth and depth of the disease- is Angela's Ashes... and this one- more than any hit home, firstly the insight of the author- something which you share- but also the record it shows- of the depth of the disease.
Not for the faint hearted... and I am sure you are aware- of all the Alanon resources- which we can apply to assist us...
...