Hello again everyone. I'd like to share part of my story. Fortunately for me, it is not the horror story many people have suffered. Though there are parts that I think are rough but worth expressing.
My mother gave birth to me in Ohio. My father was never informed of her pregnancy and that is the extent of my knowledge about him. My mother was a heavy drinker before she became pregnant with me. Fortunately she stopped drinking almost entirely when she found out about my conception. Aside from a few wine coolers at holidays, and the one in my night mid-teens I found her drunk in front of our toilet after a function with co-workers, I never saw her drink. For obvious reasons, which I will get to.
My mothers mother was practically my other parent. My grandmother was an amazing woman. She had 6 kids including my mother. She was stubborn, kind, witty, and playful. She was also a very serious woman when urgency was needed. My grandmother had married my grandfather shortly before or after they became pregnant with their first child. My eldest aunt. My grandfather was some kind of horse jockey and wooed her. Sometime later they had their own house and 5 more kids. 4 girls and 2 boys. Needless to say, she also had 7 miscarriages or stillborns. 13 births of some form in total. After the years passed and everybody aged, and my grandfather became a violent drunk.
My grandfather grew up in the same town as my grandmother as far as I am aware. He always enjoyed country music, horses, carpentry, women, drugs, and alcohol. He had 3 brothers. 1 of which raped my grandfathers daughters. Another of his brothers has 27 children or more with multiple women. All 4 boys had their stories, and all of their stories involved drugs and alcohol. I didn't get to know my grandfathers side of the family well, and for good reason I'm guessing.
My grandfather purchased a house for his family. I am not sure of the whole history, I was told my grandfather tried to drown my mom in a toilet when she was 5 or so and that was when my grandmother divorced him. My mom is the second youngest child which strikes concern of traumas endured by all of the older children. My grandparents kept an intimate relationship for sometime into my mothers early teens. Then my grandfather remarried and moved out of state. He later came back after his wife died or divorced him. Not sure which. I was 6 and my brother had turned 3 when my mom and grandmother drove us all 23 hours to move my grandfather back home. I had never been to a place where I could catch lizards in the backyard until then. I had also never heard of my grandfather. I had never met such a lush as the man that was my grandfather. While I come to think of all of this now, I can not fathom why my mom and grandma drove there to get him.
My brother has the same trait my grandfather does. My brother doesn't drink. He and my grandfather have this tendency to parent other peoples children as if the child is theirs. Sometimes its acceptable others its highly rude or inappropriate. Gratefully, my brother is not as bad as my grandfather. Once my grandfather moved in with my mom and grandma, he thought he had to be the man of the house and show us boys (me and my brother) how to act like men. No whining, no crying, no back talk, no disobedience. From that moment on it was hard for a kid to be a kid without getting swats of some fashion. One of my most memorable was a belt smacked across my face. That was one of the times my mother intervened and took a punch herself. Hearing and watching my mother and grandmother be abused was rough. I wonder how much of it my brother remembers. Once upon a time, my brother and I were eating cookies at a table and my grandfather was sitting across from us shooting at the cookies with a BB gun. Neither of us were injured, but I think that was luck. The old man never hit a cookie. He sure did make me and my brother pick the BBs out of the wall.
I bring this all up as the beginning of my story. I have more to come. My time is limited though. My family thrives with much love and many blessings now. Please don't be disheartened from this short history. I think it's important for me to realize and understand how deep addiction is seeped into my family history to understand the disease and its relationship to me. I am open to any feedback.
-- Edited by HappyToe on Tuesday 10th of September 2019 06:19:10 PM
hotrod said
Sep 11, 2019
Welcome HappyToe . Thanks for sharing your life here with MIP. You are not alone. there is hope Alanon is a recovery program for family members . We hold meetings in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages of the phone book.
We believe alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the active drinker but the entire family. Keep coming back.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 11, 2019
Hello and welcome, past trauma tends to seep into the present. Glad you are here lots of great wisdom around the boards.
I would encourage you to get a copy of the book How Alanon Works, it is a great book for those starting into the program.
Happy Wednesday!!!
Maresie888 said
Sep 11, 2019
I am so sorry that you grew up in such a violent neglectful background
My background is one of tremendous violence, physical abuse and crushing neglect. I.am glad you are reaching out for help. I.have been in therapy for decades
I will be an al anon member for life. This program has helped me immensely
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 11, 2019
Welcome. There is support here!
DavidG said
Sep 11, 2019
Oh boy! There are two opposite poles- ~acccept~ ... and -deny-. And a lot of families have one big heap of denial. Slung in the middle of those poles- is minimise. "Ah, our lives aint that bad- at least we got a lollipop on Christmas morning".
As I heard your share, Happy Toe- I saw, I heard, none of those three. I saw humour- in the form of bitter irony. I saw a degree of levity- that many of us take years to achieve. Kind and caring detachment. Almost to the point of knowing yourself... close...
...keep coming back... ...I think you have as much to teach us- as to learn... ...
HappyToe said
Sep 11, 2019
hotrod wrote:
Welcome HappyToe . Thanks for sharing your life here with MIP. You are not alone. there is hope Alanon is a recovery program for family members . We hold meetings in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages of the phone book.
We believe alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the active drinker but the entire family. Keep coming back.
I am happy to share. I do know about Alanon. I try to go at least once a week but my free time is scarce. I agree that disease of alcohol affects the whole family be it an active drinker, or a recovering drinker. The whole family will be affected which is why I wanted to start my story where I did.
Thank you for the warm welcome. I will be back.
HappyToe said
Sep 11, 2019
SerenityRUS wrote:
Hello and welcome, past trauma tends to seep into the present. Glad you are here lots of great wisdom around the boards.
I would encourage you to get a copy of the book How Alanon Works, it is a great book for those starting into the program.
Happy Wednesday!!!
You are not wrong. Trauma to a grandparent can influence a parent which can influence the child. I do have that book. I should be reading it right now, but I feel like I need writing therapy at the moment. Which is why I decided to share and keep sharing.
Thank you for the warm welcome. And Happy day to you too!
HappyToe said
Sep 11, 2019
Maresie888 wrote:
I am so sorry that you grew up in such a violent neglectful background My background is one of tremendous violence, physical abuse and crushing neglect. I.am glad you are reaching out for help. I.have been in therapy for decades I will be an al anon member for life. This program has helped me immensely Maresie
I am fond of the "it could be worse" response. It makes me grateful things are not worse. I am sorry that you had to endure any traumatic harm as well, that should never have happened.
Thanks for sharing your confidence in the program. I will be back.
HappyToe said
Sep 11, 2019
PosiesandPuppies wrote:
Welcome. There is support here!
Thank you. That is what I am here for.
HappyToe said
Sep 11, 2019
DavidG wrote:
Oh boy! There are two opposite poles- ~acccept~ ... and -deny-. And a lot of families have one big heap of denial. Slung in the middle of those poles- is minimise. "Ah, our lives aint that bad- at least we got a lollipop on Christmas morning".
As I heard your share, Happy Toe- I saw, I heard, none of those three. I saw humour- in the form of bitter irony. I saw a degree of levity- that many of us take years to achieve. Kind and caring detachment. Almost to the point of knowing yourself... close...
...keep coming back... ...I think you have as much to teach us- as to learn... ...
Aint that the truth. I watched my aunts and grandma do those three things most of my life. It was very enlightening to see exactly what the love these women had for their men would let those women endure.
Thank you for your thoughtful and courteous response. I will be back, I love to learn.
-- Edited by HappyToe on Wednesday 11th of September 2019 08:43:40 PM
Hello again everyone. I'd like to share part of my story. Fortunately for me, it is not the horror story many people have suffered. Though there are parts that I think are rough but worth expressing.
My mother gave birth to me in Ohio. My father was never informed of her pregnancy and that is the extent of my knowledge about him. My mother was a heavy drinker before she became pregnant with me. Fortunately she stopped drinking almost entirely when she found out about my conception. Aside from a few wine coolers at holidays, and the one in my night mid-teens I found her drunk in front of our toilet after a function with co-workers, I never saw her drink. For obvious reasons, which I will get to.
My mothers mother was practically my other parent. My grandmother was an amazing woman. She had 6 kids including my mother. She was stubborn, kind, witty, and playful. She was also a very serious woman when urgency was needed. My grandmother had married my grandfather shortly before or after they became pregnant with their first child. My eldest aunt. My grandfather was some kind of horse jockey and wooed her. Sometime later they had their own house and 5 more kids. 4 girls and 2 boys. Needless to say, she also had 7 miscarriages or stillborns. 13 births of some form in total. After the years passed and everybody aged, and my grandfather became a violent drunk.
My grandfather grew up in the same town as my grandmother as far as I am aware. He always enjoyed country music, horses, carpentry, women, drugs, and alcohol. He had 3 brothers. 1 of which raped my grandfathers daughters. Another of his brothers has 27 children or more with multiple women. All 4 boys had their stories, and all of their stories involved drugs and alcohol. I didn't get to know my grandfathers side of the family well, and for good reason I'm guessing.
My grandfather purchased a house for his family. I am not sure of the whole history, I was told my grandfather tried to drown my mom in a toilet when she was 5 or so and that was when my grandmother divorced him. My mom is the second youngest child which strikes concern of traumas endured by all of the older children. My grandparents kept an intimate relationship for sometime into my mothers early teens. Then my grandfather remarried and moved out of state. He later came back after his wife died or divorced him. Not sure which. I was 6 and my brother had turned 3 when my mom and grandmother drove us all 23 hours to move my grandfather back home. I had never been to a place where I could catch lizards in the backyard until then. I had also never heard of my grandfather. I had never met such a lush as the man that was my grandfather. While I come to think of all of this now, I can not fathom why my mom and grandma drove there to get him.
My brother has the same trait my grandfather does. My brother doesn't drink. He and my grandfather have this tendency to parent other peoples children as if the child is theirs. Sometimes its acceptable others its highly rude or inappropriate. Gratefully, my brother is not as bad as my grandfather. Once my grandfather moved in with my mom and grandma, he thought he had to be the man of the house and show us boys (me and my brother) how to act like men. No whining, no crying, no back talk, no disobedience. From that moment on it was hard for a kid to be a kid without getting swats of some fashion. One of my most memorable was a belt smacked across my face. That was one of the times my mother intervened and took a punch herself. Hearing and watching my mother and grandmother be abused was rough. I wonder how much of it my brother remembers. Once upon a time, my brother and I were eating cookies at a table and my grandfather was sitting across from us shooting at the cookies with a BB gun. Neither of us were injured, but I think that was luck. The old man never hit a cookie. He sure did make me and my brother pick the BBs out of the wall.
I bring this all up as the beginning of my story. I have more to come. My time is limited though. My family thrives with much love and many blessings now. Please don't be disheartened from this short history. I think it's important for me to realize and understand how deep addiction is seeped into my family history to understand the disease and its relationship to me. I am open to any feedback.
-- Edited by HappyToe on Tuesday 10th of September 2019 06:19:10 PM
Welcome HappyToe . Thanks for sharing your life here with MIP. You are not alone. there is hope Alanon is a recovery program for family members . We hold meetings in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages of the phone book.
We believe alcoholism is a disease that affects not only the active drinker but the entire family. Keep coming back.
I would encourage you to get a copy of the book How Alanon Works, it is a great book for those starting into the program.
Happy Wednesday!!!
Oh boy! There are two opposite poles- ~acccept~ ... and -deny-. And a lot of families have one big heap of denial. Slung in the middle of those poles- is minimise. "Ah, our lives aint that bad- at least we got a lollipop on Christmas morning".
As I heard your share, Happy Toe- I saw, I heard, none of those three. I saw humour- in the form of bitter irony. I saw a degree of levity- that many of us take years to achieve. Kind and caring detachment. Almost to the point of knowing yourself... close...
...keep coming back... ...I think you have as much to teach us- as to learn...
...
I am happy to share. I do know about Alanon. I try to go at least once a week but my free time is scarce. I agree that disease of alcohol affects the whole family be it an active drinker, or a recovering drinker. The whole family will be affected which is why I wanted to start my story where I did.
Thank you for the warm welcome. I will be back.
You are not wrong. Trauma to a grandparent can influence a parent which can influence the child. I do have that book. I should be reading it right now, but I feel like I need writing therapy at the moment. Which is why I decided to share and keep sharing.
Thank you for the warm welcome. And Happy day to you too!
I am fond of the "it could be worse" response. It makes me grateful things are not worse. I am sorry that you had to endure any traumatic harm as well, that should never have happened.
Thanks for sharing your confidence in the program. I will be back.
Thank you. That is what I am here for.
Aint that the truth. I watched my aunts and grandma do those three things most of my life. It was very enlightening to see exactly what the love these women had for their men would let those women endure.
Thank you for your thoughtful and courteous response. I will be back, I love to learn.
-- Edited by HappyToe on Wednesday 11th of September 2019 08:43:40 PM