I was doing ok until this morning when I found out the my daughter's husband and family ganged up on her and bullied her mercilessly until she broke down the night before their wedding. (wedding was last night)
This was over the parent's friend who wanted to bring a date. The parents had invited 90% of the people at the wedding because of their bullying. I heard my daughter speak up and try hard to maintain boundaries. But the parent's got what they wanted. And when they did, they wanted more and more.
If it wasn't important enough for his parents to consider this woman's boyfriend for the past year, it wasn't important to my daughter.
I didn't know this last night. So, when a man approached me this morning at the post-wedding brunch to introduce himself as this woman's boyfriend. I thought he crashed the party last night after repeatedly being told that there is no room for any one else. I replied with a smile, "yes, I saw you last night." I waited, smiling, for him to continue. His face dropped and he walked away to tell his girlfriend what I said. The two of them avoided me for the duration. Clearly, they were upset with my comment, as if I said something awful.
I feel rage.
They blamed and shamed my daughter.
(When her husband's mom approached me asking about my excitement for the wedding, I said things were not the same for me as them. The mom said, "that's unfortunate because the children have the wedding exactly the way they want it.")
I am triggered because this exact scenario with my in-laws was the underpinnings of the demise of my marriage to her dad.
If her husband can't put her first, give her first consideration over some one's friend's boyfriend, I worry this will be a torturous road for my daughter where her spirit will be beaten down.
I'm worried sick and I don't know that this is on my side of the street. It doesn't feel good.
I can see that my daughter is greatly upset and anxious. She told me she will talk to me about this later.
I'm having trouble living with this and knowing how much my daughter is hurting and will continue to be hurt.
I'm considering options while I pray.
I feel foolish and disappointed that I didn't get the lesson this entire past week.
Thank you for your support!
a4l said
Sep 8, 2019
Oh Bud. I can all too well imagine how that feels. Having daughters of my own and being familiar with power struggles, in laws, dominance tactics and weak boundaries. Sometimes the only way out is through which I know isn't altogether comforting on the face of it, but there's always hope. I love the way you keep your dignity. You're at this circus because you love your girl. The other monkeys and what they think are irrelevant. Poor darling girl though, what a road ahead.
Iamhere said
Sep 8, 2019
(((Bud))) - Easy answer, it's not your side of the street. Whether we like it or not, whether it feels good or not, our children are now adults, making choices, decisions and mistakes. It would be so much easier 'if only' we could tell them what's likely to come next yet, it's really not part of our journey, it's theirs. It's now our job to support, listen, support, listen and pray - constantly and to remember we are not living in the past, and our experience isn't necessarily what theirs will be.
My oldest and I really struggle with communications. It's compounded because we are both in recovery, I am his mother and at times his friend. So, when we are having a conversation, I've actually practiced active listening and then simply ask if he's just venting or if he wants my input. More often than not, he's just venting and he really doesn't want to hear what I think, what he should do and/or my experience. There are exceptions when he does want my input, again, they are exceptions.
You raised a bright, lovely young woman. She's had much more exposure to these people, their dynamics, etc. than you have. She's made her choice most likely willing to learn how to navigate through. Hopefully, when they are past the ceremony stuff, she and her husband can build their own life/lives, and set some healthy boundaries. It will not happen overnight and it may never happen until the pain is great enough. One thing recovery has shown me and most I know is that we resist change and upsetting the status quo until we can't take the pain any more.
Be the beacon of unconditional love. Be the patient listening mother/friend/outlet that she will need. If ever uncertain, simple ask, "How can I help?" or "How can I be of service?" My sons respect me more when I stay on my side of the street, not gossip or talk negatively about their 'people' and just am a sounding block. And of course, I always project positive energy and hope because that's the way I try to project today vs. the cloudy storms of before recovery.
Pray for God's will for all involved. He doesn't have grandchildren and he's got the master plan! Stay the course for your recovery, your healing and your journey...Live and Let Live girl!
Maresie888 said
Sep 8, 2019
How incredibly difficult
Weddings are incredibly triggering.
I remember going to a wedding with a former boyfriend. The expectations around the event were huge. I was pressured into going and had to buy a new dress and shoes. I felt horribly self conscious
I still dont know exactly why this couple at the wedding triggered me. I went to therapy and was incoherent about what came up for me.
Now if I.were to go to a wedding these days I would be ready for the triggers
I know it night not even be the couple that triggered me. Most likely it was the person I went with. I stayed with him for a while three years ago. I.was a complete basket case for a while.
Detaching is really a difficult enterprise. Detaching over something like a wedding is like trying to be a zen priest in one setting
Overall given the circumstances you did great. Your daughter got practice in setting boundaries. I.believe the family of origin issues are huge in any marriage. Remember boundaries come from practice. We have to practice them there is no.short cut. There is practice get it wrong ouck yourself up practice some more
My family of origin issues tripped me ip.a lot in any relationship. Of course around a wedding it is huge huge issues. Post morten there is a lot of sorting through
The main thing us you made it through despite unbelievable stressors. There is a global.assessment tool of stress in our lives major events work issues. What were you off the charts on that one. When it hits a certain number it is time to reduce stress
I have wanted to help others all my life. Sometimes the things I did were not helpful. I know it is very very difficult to know when to.step in and when to say Little. I have really messed that one up many many time
The fact you are wondering n.v what the line is shows how far along you are in recovery. There are lines where it is time to step back. Other times it is appropriate to be available
Married life is a hard one requiring a lot of effort and with it a lot if discomfort. Relationships are hard. Relationships with a family who are tyrannical really difficult
Nevertheless the wedding is over sounds like it was an incredible success. Now for ne after a big event it is back to self care back to regrouping but most of all back to detaching
Maresie
tiredtonite said
Sep 8, 2019
Hi Bud,
Try not to let fear take hold. Your daughter will learn to navigate through the waters new family members day by day. It'll be what it'll be. I had a marriage experience a bit like your own. My husband was a bit of a momma's boy.
Your daughter has her own marriage and is her own person. Her husband is a different person than your ex. Additionally, they are another generation and may view things differently and cope differently. I guess what I'm saying here is that while you may be wringing your hands over this, they may be very reactionary in the moment but move on from things quickly and not attach much importance to it. They may even see their marriage in way that might not be completely understandable to anyone else. Like all of us, they're learning as they go. It's new territory being husband and wife and boundaries with family. One event, even a few events do not have to be a predictor of the future. Only hp knows what's next for all of us.
I'm sorry this created personal angst for you; triggering unpleasant events from your former marriage. My experience when triggered brings one projection which leads to another and to another. I make myself sick with worry when I begin overthinking and analyzing it all. Then all my self care stuff is severely hampered and it becomes a downward spiral. In that place, my intention of offering loving support to another person pretty much goes out the window. I refer to it as "forced surrender." My hp does for me what I won't do for myself - let go and let god. This is usually when I either have a good cry or a good nap that I wasn't planning.
Ours is a program of self focus for a reason. We have been the ones who have always been first to give care to others and last to care for our own well-being.
I hope you will spend the rest of the weekend relaxing and remembering the beautiful moments of the wedding, the lovely memories that are yours to keep.
Snide remarks from the groom's mother or anyone else for that matter don't have the power to take the wonderful memories of your daughter's wedding day from you. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 8th of September 2019 08:33:55 PM
KT2015 said
Sep 8, 2019
Hey bud
What really stood out for me from your post is how much you care about your daughter. The best thing my mother ever did for me was to offer me her opinion when I asked for it and not lie to me but was kind to me. When I first got married I dont think I would have been able to hear anything I didnt want to. Especially about my AH who wasnt always so nice to me. What she did do was remain my rock in that sense. Shes always been the one in my corner even when I wasnt in my own corner if that makes sense. When I doubted myself she reassured me that I wasnt crazy. When I was upset she validated me. And my mom has no program. My mom can be challenging and difficult and critical but shes always been there for me when I needed her and shes always had my back.
I knew that my mom would listen to me and support me. Youre doing a lot being there for her and in her life.
I isolated a lot with my AH and slowly friends left my life but not my mom. Shes always been there demanding to be part of my life lol. Making it so damn difficult to make my AH my only focus. Thank God for moms :).
I can tell youre a caring one.
Bo said
Sep 8, 2019
Bud, here's my bottom line...it doesn't matter if it's your side of the street or not. Period. I can't tell from your post -- other than her saying she will talk to you later -- whether or not your daughter called you, asked you, made a face at you, or anything at all. However you cross any street, anywhere in the world, for your daughter. Period. How you cross the street is a completely different discussion. At a certain point Bud...this is not a "program" discussion. It is a "dad" discussion. She's your daughter. You are her dad. Get my point? I hope you do.
BTW, congratulations! All the best for health and happiness for your daughter!
bud said
Sep 9, 2019
Thank you a4l - I'm so comforted to felt understood and I'm grateful you mentioned dignity... it gives perspective in the sea of craziness.I appreciate the focus of why there is so much crazy (because of my daughter) and my choice. I am also grateful for the reminder there is hope. It was so aggravating that the reaction is rudeness and ostracizing me and my daughter because her new in-laws chose not to invite their friend's boyfriend. Her new in-laws threw my daughter under the bus while wearing her wedding dress.
Thanks Iamhere - so incredibly important to be that beacon offering unconditional love. Great focus!
Thank you Maresie really good point and I agree that weddings are easily fraught with triggers. I just started feeling so much exquisite pain.
Thanks so much TT triggers can elicit such powerful emotions... and you are right to be mindful to keep an open mind and realize the fear is not real and it doesn't mean that the same thing will happen. And more importantly, it is a program of self focus and I'm grateful. I have the BEST memories and no one can take them away from me! I'm so grateful for the redirect so I can enjoy precious moments.
Thank you KT2015 hearing you say this means so very much to me. My daughter is the best thing that's happened in my life and I would want her to feel that I am always there for her without being intrusive. Much appreciated!
Bo Thank you and thank you for your good wishes! I'm grateful you understand that I, too, was suffering as a witness. You are spot on I serve as her "dad" too. She saw my anguish and we talked sooner than later. She was grateful that I had her back and filled me in on important details that I didn't know. Most importantly, she finally did obtain the needed support from her husband. She assured me he understands the gravity of supporting her over his mother or anyone else. I am so relieved.
... now back to the fun memories of how wonderful it felt to be at her wedding. Both of our favorite parts were walking down the aisle together. Such joy!
((MIP Family))
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 9, 2019
Came to this late & just wanted to offer my support! ((((bud)))).
You got wonderful ESH! I love how you chose to sit and be patient... more was revealed (as par usual), and you had your fears allayed by information from your daughter. KT's post about her mother was so touching... that is your role now... the unconditional love and support person! As this is not a new role for you, but an evolving one, you can now mold the role with the tools/slogans from Al-Anon... as a mother to a new young adult I am also finding fun in molding my new role. It is not always easy! LOL!
Glad you were able to right your boat!!
&
bud said
Sep 9, 2019
Thank you PosiesandPuppies much appreciated! Yes, it is my evolving role and one that models the Alanon toolkit for her, where, she can also chose to draw from if she likes. What better a gift!!!
I feel your pain the young adult thing tends to last a bit, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, for sure.
Iamhere said
Sep 9, 2019
(((Bud))) - so glad to hear that you and your daughter were able to talk! I am glad to hear also that her husband plans to support her - that's a great confirmation of why she picked him to be her partner. I love, love that the reality has been different than the projection - simply because it helps all of us to see how much we really do not know about the master plan in our lives or the lives of others.
Love the memories you are focusing on! Enjoy the beacon role, and hold on to how she was grateful you had her back! Loving support, unconditional love and listening skills are the greatest gift we can give to our children as they embrace adulthood. (((Hugs))) - keep doing you girl - you got this!!
mamalioness said
Sep 10, 2019
(((((((((((((((((bud))))))))))))))))))))) oh bless your heart..........No it isn't your side of the street....I love how you love your girl, but she is an adult and we gotta let them walk their path, even if we are afraid for them being "beaten down" like you said with bullying....I sure hope she can get her footing on firm dirt and set her own boundaries....Sadly, when they grow up, we gotta let them learn their lessons, walk their paths, grow and evolve and if we intervene every time, they won't grow on their own...the only exception I have on that is if she is ever physically assaulted...THAT is another story, hopefully it is just a "getting used to each other" situation and she can navigate her way into her own space for which she will set her boundaries.............you are such a great parent to love her so much and to care for her...She is blessed....take it one day at a time...listen to her when she wants to talk but try not to tell her what to do...bring your program with you when you pick up that phone or see her.............sending you support hugs
I was doing ok until this morning when I found out the my daughter's husband and family ganged up on her and bullied her mercilessly until she broke down the night before their wedding. (wedding was last night)
This was over the parent's friend who wanted to bring a date. The parents had invited 90% of the people at the wedding because of their bullying. I heard my daughter speak up and try hard to maintain boundaries. But the parent's got what they wanted. And when they did, they wanted more and more.
If it wasn't important enough for his parents to consider this woman's boyfriend for the past year, it wasn't important to my daughter.
I didn't know this last night. So, when a man approached me this morning at the post-wedding brunch to introduce himself as this woman's boyfriend. I thought he crashed the party last night after repeatedly being told that there is no room for any one else. I replied with a smile, "yes, I saw you last night." I waited, smiling, for him to continue. His face dropped and he walked away to tell his girlfriend what I said. The two of them avoided me for the duration. Clearly, they were upset with my comment, as if I said something awful.
I feel rage.
They blamed and shamed my daughter.
(When her husband's mom approached me asking about my excitement for the wedding, I said things were not the same for me as them. The mom said, "that's unfortunate because the children have the wedding exactly the way they want it.")
I am triggered because this exact scenario with my in-laws was the underpinnings of the demise of my marriage to her dad.
If her husband can't put her first, give her first consideration over some one's friend's boyfriend, I worry this will be a torturous road for my daughter where her spirit will be beaten down.
I'm worried sick and I don't know that this is on my side of the street. It doesn't feel good.
I can see that my daughter is greatly upset and anxious. She told me she will talk to me about this later.
I'm having trouble living with this and knowing how much my daughter is hurting and will continue to be hurt.
I'm considering options while I pray.
I feel foolish and disappointed that I didn't get the lesson this entire past week.
Thank you for your support!
My oldest and I really struggle with communications. It's compounded because we are both in recovery, I am his mother and at times his friend. So, when we are having a conversation, I've actually practiced active listening and then simply ask if he's just venting or if he wants my input. More often than not, he's just venting and he really doesn't want to hear what I think, what he should do and/or my experience. There are exceptions when he does want my input, again, they are exceptions.
You raised a bright, lovely young woman. She's had much more exposure to these people, their dynamics, etc. than you have. She's made her choice most likely willing to learn how to navigate through. Hopefully, when they are past the ceremony stuff, she and her husband can build their own life/lives, and set some healthy boundaries. It will not happen overnight and it may never happen until the pain is great enough. One thing recovery has shown me and most I know is that we resist change and upsetting the status quo until we can't take the pain any more.
Be the beacon of unconditional love. Be the patient listening mother/friend/outlet that she will need. If ever uncertain, simple ask, "How can I help?" or "How can I be of service?" My sons respect me more when I stay on my side of the street, not gossip or talk negatively about their 'people' and just am a sounding block. And of course, I always project positive energy and hope because that's the way I try to project today vs. the cloudy storms of before recovery.
Pray for God's will for all involved. He doesn't have grandchildren and he's got the master plan! Stay the course for your recovery, your healing and your journey...Live and Let Live girl!
Hi Bud,
Try not to let fear take hold. Your daughter will learn to navigate through the waters new family members day by day. It'll be what it'll be. I had a marriage experience a bit like your own. My husband was a bit of a momma's boy.
Your daughter has her own marriage and is her own person. Her husband is a different person than your ex. Additionally, they are another generation and may view things differently and cope differently. I guess what I'm saying here is that while you may be wringing your hands over this, they may be very reactionary in the moment but move on from things quickly and not attach much importance to it. They may even see their marriage in way that might not be completely understandable to anyone else. Like all of us, they're learning as they go. It's new territory being husband and wife and boundaries with family. One event, even a few events do not have to be a predictor of the future. Only hp knows what's next for all of us.
I'm sorry this created personal angst for you; triggering unpleasant events from your former marriage. My experience when triggered brings one projection which leads to another and to another. I make myself sick with worry when I begin overthinking and analyzing it all. Then all my self care stuff is severely hampered and it becomes a downward spiral. In that place, my intention of offering loving support to another person pretty much goes out the window. I refer to it as "forced surrender." My hp does for me what I won't do for myself - let go and let god. This is usually when I either have a good cry or a good nap that I wasn't planning.
Ours is a program of self focus for a reason. We have been the ones who have always been first to give care to others and last to care for our own well-being.
I hope you will spend the rest of the weekend relaxing and remembering the beautiful moments of the wedding, the lovely memories that are yours to keep.
Snide remarks from the groom's mother or anyone else for that matter don't have the power to take the wonderful memories of your daughter's wedding day from you. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 8th of September 2019 08:33:55 PM
BTW, congratulations! All the best for health and happiness for your daughter!
Thanks Iamhere - so incredibly important to be that beacon offering unconditional love. Great focus!
Thank you Maresie really good point and I agree that weddings are easily fraught with triggers. I just started feeling so much exquisite pain.
Thanks so much TT triggers can elicit such powerful emotions... and you are right to be mindful to keep an open mind and realize the fear is not real and it doesn't mean that the same thing will happen. And more importantly, it is a program of self focus and I'm grateful. I have the BEST memories and no one can take them away from me! I'm so grateful for the redirect so I can enjoy precious moments.
Thank you KT2015 hearing you say this means so very much to me. My daughter is the best thing that's happened in my life and I would want her to feel that I am always there for her without being intrusive. Much appreciated!
Bo Thank you and thank you for your good wishes! I'm grateful you understand that I, too, was suffering as a witness. You are spot on I serve as her "dad" too. She saw my anguish and we talked sooner than later. She was grateful that I had her back and filled me in on important details that I didn't know. Most importantly, she finally did obtain the needed support from her husband. She assured me he understands the gravity of supporting her over his mother or anyone else. I am so relieved.
... now back to the fun memories of how wonderful it felt to be at her wedding. Both of our favorite parts were walking down the aisle together. Such joy!
((MIP Family))
You got wonderful ESH! I love how you chose to sit and be patient... more was revealed (as par usual), and you had your fears allayed by information from your daughter. KT's post about her mother was so touching... that is your role now... the unconditional love and support person! As this is not a new role for you, but an evolving one, you can now mold the role with the tools/slogans from Al-Anon... as a mother to a new young adult I am also finding fun in molding my new role. It is not always easy! LOL!
Glad you were able to right your boat!!
I feel your pain the young adult thing tends to last a bit, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, for sure.
Love the memories you are focusing on! Enjoy the beacon role, and hold on to how she was grateful you had her back! Loving support, unconditional love and listening skills are the greatest gift we can give to our children as they embrace adulthood. (((Hugs))) - keep doing you girl - you got this!!