I'm still working on not reacting to my X's seriously crazy behavior, it was crazy before and he headed off into pre divorce behavior over the past 2 weeks. I'm sure a LOT has to do with my oldest coming out. I'm totally willing to give people a chance to adjust to a new norm. I don't think it's going to work for him. It's fascinating me to watch the process from the other side. I live this as a norm now and I have to face it, so hiding isn't an option. My X, will probably not be able to mentally cope. Our oldest isn't speaking to him after his last outburst over the "visiting" issue. He just said mom .. he's never behaved with me like that before and I said honey .. you are no longer a child. He doesn't feel the need to keep up the pretense.
This is recapping what's already transpired since my last mail: He's so out of it he can't be bothered as I really don't think he has the mental function to deal with real life stuff. I mean he can function as long as things don't have something attached to an emotional response. Money is def an emotional response for him. He lost his mind .. pretty much exploded and told me he not to expect the extra from him and how he had no idea how he was going to pay for child support going forward. My face going WTH .. all I asked was what's going on with his surgery. Well he blew his knee out this is not a new thing for him, he did this when we separated and my oldest actually reminded me. So I was having to rewrite my budget with a significant loss. I already have challenges and this brought up so much resentment regarding what I have already been through with the kids financially .. that is something that is sooo hard to let go of.
There were a couple good things to come out of it .. first being .. we will be ok. It will suck and it will suck for a while .. it will be ok. I have just removed his money from the que completely. In doing things differently now I'm finding out that there are a lot of places I can tuck in on and figure other ways around it. So this is a positive. I did not respond to the crazy and just left no response. I saw a recent picture of him and all I can say is OMG he looks HORRIBLE. He was so high in that picture it wasn't even funny. If I get money .. I'll set it aside until he pulls his next deal which based upon what's going on .. there will be another situation. He needs duct tape.
I can't get over how I jumped and still believed what he was selling. It is so ingrained to know he's just that unpredictable he's predictable. It's hard in the mix of everything with the unknown not to be able to just be ok. So my bff challenged me not to respond and I did not. I'm soooo glad I did not. I also got money on Monday which fully confused the life out of me because that's not what his email stated .. lol. So I have no idea what he's on and what he's smoking .. none of it is legal. Today I got another response .. I call it the response from the wife .. pretty much one line and the statement of he will be mailing payments every Thursday. Hmm .. ok. So I'm going to send a response of Email receipt acknowledged and be done with it. I still don't know what's really going on and I am telling you guys based upon my experience with him .. I'm expecting to see divorce papers from these people at some point. They are loop de loo cuckoo for coco puffs .. I do not want to be a part of that.
Let him do his dance .. he's got a new partner and boy oh boy .. I do not want to be on that train ever again.
S :)
hotrod said
Sep 5, 2019
I am greatly impressed with your sound recovery Serenity---- Keep on keeping on
Iamhere said
Sep 5, 2019
(((S))) - I have been reminded over and over again in my journey that actions always do speak louder than words. My safest, sanest approach in dealing with others in active disease is to just use the tools we get in recovery as best I can. I see/hear you doing the same! Keep doing 'you' - detaching, low expectations, boundaries, etc. I think it's wise that you not count on his share, fair or not, as it's not guaranteed...that applies with/without the disease but more so with the disease.
You and your clan have been in my thoughts/prayers and will continue to be! (((Hugs)))
a4l said
Sep 5, 2019
Sounds like a real milestone. It's so hard when kids are involved for the one who has sacrificed the most. I know I feel and think perfectly logically around letting go when it's not in my face. As soon as my thoughts turn toward *the score* I'm doomed. Emotions take over and the metaphorical accountability bat comes out ready to beat the other person into submission or die trying. That's how I'm wired to respond. So I think sometimes it is wise to detach practically until (if ever) that response pattern is less easily triggered. Good for you my friend and my honest commiserations for the long experience of disappointment with the ex.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 6, 2019
I really admire your "Mom" skills! That one sentence you told your eldest not only explained the current situation, but said volumes more!
Yes, this is Krazy, with a capital "K!"
You, however, are doing just fine staying off the crazy train! Well done.
&
bud said
Sep 6, 2019
I love how you're working your program and not responding to "crazy".
It's really great that you identified your old "knee - jerk" pattern and stopped yourself before acting on it.
I love how you put first, that even if the situation isn't ideal, the important thing is that it will be ok.
It must feel so good to not "own" or "be responsible" for his "stuff"!
PS
Yikes to duct tape lol
SerenityRUS said
Sep 6, 2019
OMGOSH .. I had the biggest lightbulb come on last night. Ironically and sadly one of my good friends who has had challenges with alcohol over the past few years reached out to me, a family member had a stroke and she was very agitated by it. The family member was disoriented and confused by what had taken place and already had what I call challenges with the truth. The stroke did damage to the left side of the brain, and that's where it hit me. I did get her calm and pointed out the family member is not operating with a full deck right now and may never. Everything at the moment is an emotional reaction which is going to be irritability. My friend just needs to be there and let her FM do what they need to do because this may who stays for now it is what it is. Thankfully my friend is in program and doing very well. Reached out to me because I am safe in terms of I'm not in the family circle and nothing will go back. I also suggested they reach out to their sponsor because this is upsetting and unsettling to say the very least.
Anyway, light bulb moment was in talking to my friend I had a picture of my X flash through my mind and the craziness I have been dealing with .. 2 things I'm sure of the stroke has impacted him further on his ability to operate outside of his box. He seriously can handle basics outside of that .. can't do it. This just is validation and confirmation he's not going to be able to deal with our oldest kiddos situation and he doesn't want to be a part of it. Hence the whole crazy talk about visiting and then then the whole mini explosion over money. Kids and money .. hot topics .. dude would be sooooo easy to wind up at this point and he's soooo lucky I am in program.
I did not do anything wrong in asking him about his plan for money .. 1. I knew nothing about the current knee being blown out. 2. I asked a very reasonable question and got a highly unreasonable response. IAM .. you are so right about the whole issue of he should pay it and it's very hard to let go of that because having to do both and consistently figure things out is exhausting. I am in the throws of trying to figure things out with my youngest wanting to drive and trying to figure out how to get him insurance as well as what to drive. My car is out at the moment.
The response I got was dictated or was directly from the wife .. my X doesn't list amounts or times things will be paid .. he doesn't operate in a transparent (HA HA .. that's ironic) manner. Dates, times and amounts are not him that's just a given. ESPECIALLY after that last response I got from him, he needs a fight .. he needs to make this my fault and this has everything to do with his inability to handle emotional reactions. I def do not want to see him in a public or private situation at this point .. I think he would explode based upon the correspondence I have received from him.
I have dealt with people who have had strokes and recovered .. that emotional response is always there .. they are more likely to be volatile or cry over specific situations. I am really FURIOUS over the fact the conversation my oldest had was not with his dad .. it was the wife. Again .. my X is not that direct this whole thing just confirms that. I also believe he's actively using something .. it has to be pain killers of some kind .. when I talk about him being put together with duct tape .. I am so not kidding .. he's falling apart faster than the dr's can put him back together and you just can't tell me he doesn't have a supply of pills coming in .. I question what will happen when that stops .. what will fall off his body next.
Whew .. it was enlightening for me to look at that during that brief conversation and say .. you know what .. this all makes a whole lot more sense to me and just validates again .. no I'm not crazy because this isn't a rational response. I probably pushed him back over with my response .. again .. he's so lucky I have grown as an individual because boy oh boy .. I see his buttons and it's like Pinocchio in my mind .. I can totally see what strings and buttons to push to make him move one way or the other. If only his nose grew when he told a lie or his pants caught fire .. that would be actually satisfying. I really feel sorry for the wife .. I know how exhausting it is to feel the need to think for the other person especially him .. and I really don't think it's an option because he can't .. he really can't do it.
Hugs S :)
bud said
Sep 6, 2019
Oh, SerenityRUS...
"...what will fall off his body next." Love that it truly does sum the whole thing up!
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 7, 2019
Love those lightbulb moments! Keep working your program, you are doing great!
I'm still working on not reacting to my X's seriously crazy behavior, it was crazy before and he headed off into pre divorce behavior over the past 2 weeks. I'm sure a LOT has to do with my oldest coming out. I'm totally willing to give people a chance to adjust to a new norm. I don't think it's going to work for him. It's fascinating me to watch the process from the other side. I live this as a norm now and I have to face it, so hiding isn't an option. My X, will probably not be able to mentally cope. Our oldest isn't speaking to him after his last outburst over the "visiting" issue. He just said mom .. he's never behaved with me like that before and I said honey .. you are no longer a child. He doesn't feel the need to keep up the pretense.
This is recapping what's already transpired since my last mail: He's so out of it he can't be bothered as I really don't think he has the mental function to deal with real life stuff. I mean he can function as long as things don't have something attached to an emotional response. Money is def an emotional response for him. He lost his mind .. pretty much exploded and told me he not to expect the extra from him and how he had no idea how he was going to pay for child support going forward.
My face going WTH .. all I asked was what's going on with his surgery. Well he blew his knee out this is not a new thing for him, he did this when we separated and my oldest actually reminded me. So I was having to rewrite my budget with a significant loss. I already have challenges and this brought up so much resentment regarding what I have already been through with the kids financially .. that is something that is sooo hard to let go of.
There were a couple good things to come out of it .. first being .. we will be ok. It will suck and it will suck for a while .. it will be ok. I have just removed his money from the que completely. In doing things differently now I'm finding out that there are a lot of places I can tuck in on and figure other ways around it. So this is a positive. I did not respond to the crazy and just left no response. I saw a recent picture of him and all I can say is OMG he looks HORRIBLE. He was so high in that picture it wasn't even funny. If I get money .. I'll set it aside until he pulls his next deal which based upon what's going on .. there will be another situation. He needs duct tape.
I can't get over how I jumped and still believed what he was selling. It is so ingrained to know he's just that unpredictable he's predictable. It's hard in the mix of everything with the unknown not to be able to just be ok. So my bff challenged me not to respond and I did not. I'm soooo glad I did not. I also got money on Monday which fully confused the life out of me because that's not what his email stated .. lol. So I have no idea what he's on and what he's smoking .. none of it is legal. Today I got another response .. I call it the response from the wife .. pretty much one line and the statement of he will be mailing payments every Thursday. Hmm .. ok. So I'm going to send a response of Email receipt acknowledged and be done with it. I still don't know what's really going on and I am telling you guys based upon my experience with him .. I'm expecting to see divorce papers from these people at some point. They are loop de loo cuckoo for coco puffs .. I do not want to be a part of that.
Let him do his dance .. he's got a new partner and boy oh boy .. I do not want to be on that train ever again.
S :)
I am greatly impressed with your sound recovery Serenity---- Keep on keeping on
You and your clan have been in my thoughts/prayers and will continue to be! (((Hugs)))
Yes, this is Krazy, with a capital "K!"
You, however, are doing just fine staying off the crazy train! Well done.
It's really great that you identified your old "knee - jerk" pattern and stopped yourself before acting on it.
I love how you put first, that even if the situation isn't ideal, the important thing is that it will be ok.
It must feel so good to not "own" or "be responsible" for his "stuff"!
PS
Yikes to duct tape lol
Anyway, light bulb moment was in talking to my friend I had a picture of my X flash through my mind and the craziness I have been dealing with .. 2 things I'm sure of the stroke has impacted him further on his ability to operate outside of his box. He seriously can handle basics outside of that .. can't do it. This just is validation and confirmation he's not going to be able to deal with our oldest kiddos situation and he doesn't want to be a part of it. Hence the whole crazy talk about visiting and then then the whole mini explosion over money. Kids and money .. hot topics .. dude would be sooooo easy to wind up at this point and he's soooo lucky I am in program.
I did not do anything wrong in asking him about his plan for money .. 1. I knew nothing about the current knee being blown out. 2. I asked a very reasonable question and got a highly unreasonable response. IAM .. you are so right about the whole issue of he should pay it and it's very hard to let go of that because having to do both and consistently figure things out is exhausting. I am in the throws of trying to figure things out with my youngest wanting to drive and trying to figure out how to get him insurance as well as what to drive. My car is out at the moment.
The response I got was dictated or was directly from the wife .. my X doesn't list amounts or times things will be paid .. he doesn't operate in a transparent (HA HA .. that's ironic) manner. Dates, times and amounts are not him that's just a given. ESPECIALLY after that last response I got from him, he needs a fight .. he needs to make this my fault and this has everything to do with his inability to handle emotional reactions. I def do not want to see him in a public or private situation at this point .. I think he would explode based upon the correspondence I have received from him.
I have dealt with people who have had strokes and recovered .. that emotional response is always there .. they are more likely to be volatile or cry over specific situations. I am really FURIOUS over the fact the conversation my oldest had was not with his dad .. it was the wife. Again .. my X is not that direct this whole thing just confirms that. I also believe he's actively using something .. it has to be pain killers of some kind .. when I talk about him being put together with duct tape .. I am so not kidding .. he's falling apart faster than the dr's can put him back together and you just can't tell me he doesn't have a supply of pills coming in .. I question what will happen when that stops .. what will fall off his body next.
Whew .. it was enlightening for me to look at that during that brief conversation and say .. you know what .. this all makes a whole lot more sense to me and just validates again .. no I'm not crazy because this isn't a rational response. I probably pushed him back over with my response .. again .. he's so lucky I have grown as an individual because boy oh boy .. I see his buttons and it's like Pinocchio in my mind .. I can totally see what strings and buttons to push to make him move one way or the other. If only his nose grew when he told a lie or his pants caught fire .. that would be actually satisfying. I really feel sorry for the wife .. I know how exhausting it is to feel the need to think for the other person especially him .. and I really don't think it's an option because he can't .. he really can't do it.
Hugs S :)
"...what will fall off his body next." Love that it truly does sum the whole thing up!