My short term memory about not engaging with an alcoholic needs work
Fedora said
Aug 30, 2019
This has been a "half step forward, three steps back" week for me. Started out feeling pretty solid in my desire to stay focused on ME. Even made some peace with myself that all the money I poured into saving our house from foreclosure is gone, and, in my effort to "save us", have ensured that we are on even rockier standing than before. But that's the price I pay for having enabled the AH. I'm owning that mistake, and I'm still feeling ready to accept it. That's new. I also accept that he feels like I don't give him a chance to fix things before I swoop in and try to fix them. This is correct. In general, I prefer not going to jail and declaring bankruptcy, but these things don't seem to bother him in the same way. I am slowly coming to understand this.
I really need to take a vow of silence at home. When the spouse is talking, I just need to nod and say ok. I had an epiphany that it was stupid for me to feel like I need to justify my anger or opinion or whatever with AH. I only work myself up into a state of frustration because I feel like I have to work around him at home all the time. But he reminded me last night, that in fact, I have everything and he has nothing. And this morning I realize, he was right.
I still have a job (a good one at that), lots of friends (even if I don't have the guts to tell many of them the truth about my home life), children who are still following my lead more than their dad's lead (so far), and an extended family that cares for me and looks out for me. They also don't know the extent of my home life, but we get on well. Thanks to AlAnon, I realize that I have a lot of things that need maturing and cleaning up in my personal life, and I am trying to get there, and the fact that I am trying is a good thing. I realize that I am not the alcoholic, but I have been the enabler, and there is hope I can recover from this.
My spouse has a family that mostly dislikes him, no job, and no prospects of getting one, no car (he is driving my mom's car) because he can't afford a car, and no friends (except ones on a site that men like to frequent *cough* I've decided not to know about that other than what he tells me). He doesn't even have a church because we got kicked out of the one he attended for all his life. He has no friends (well, save for some on a "men's interests" site, cough, with whom he corresponds).
Recently he was unloading on me and my hatred of risk. I should have walked right out of the room but I didn't. Let's just say it didn't go well. And this morning, I'm like, ok, no stars for your recovery efforts today. UGH!
Ok, vent over. It is a new day, and a new chance to do better. Thanks for listening.
El said
Aug 30, 2019
Fedora, I can relate to much of what you write. It's hard not to engage; to defend and explain/re-explain what to us makes perfect sense. I tend to think if I say it slowly and clearly enough in different ways, it will get through. It doesn't. I keep reminding myself that not engaging is about me and only me. Like you however, I forget and go back to the old ways. The good news is we eventually catch ourselves or realize we're reacting pre-alanon. Be proud of your progress...this is such a tough road!
Ellen
Bo said
Aug 30, 2019
What resonates with me is...Nothing changes if nothing changes...and that statement and mindset, is about...US.
All the best.
a4l said
Aug 30, 2019
It was sad to read that post. Very stark. I recall seeing some realisations of my own right before turning a recovery corner. No longer on a pedestal, the A appeared to me as the A was at that Time. I don't know what keeps you holding on, for me it was a desperate hope ( that things would get better) and fear (who am I and what will I become when I have only me to look at). When I saw what was realistically in front of me things shifted. I'm sure more will be revealed so keep coming back.
tiredtonite said
Aug 31, 2019
No matter what the situation or relationship, I inevitably ask myself the same question - what are you getting out of it? I've realized that JADE justify, argue, defend and explain can be self talk a form of denial, a dis-ease that keeps me stuck. I'm grateful we have this program that reminds us to inventory daily and throughout each day our words thoughts and action. I am one of the lucky ones who doesn't have the additional burden of doing life as an alcoholic. With that said, I'm not without flaws and many of them. I wish I'd been longer in the program when married to an active A. With a loving sponsor after my marriage ended and through my 4th and 5th steps, I came f2f with my attachment to the 4 M s - Mothering, Managing, Manipulation and Martyrdom. I'm grateful today for my exah and the love that existed despite our lack of recovery. Getting healthier one day at a time has been a humbling experience. (((hugs)) TT
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 31, 2019
Thank you for your share, Fedora. I read it like a very honest evaluation of your situation as it is now. Like a mini-Step 4. Hard, I know.
Due to my husband's differing shenanigans over the years, we forclosed on a house we owned, went through bankruptcy once, and my son and I went on public assistance twice. The first time I believe I developed some form of PTSD. I vowed "Never again!" It was my hard boundary. When I was faced with that exact scenario 7 years later, I reminded my AH of my hard boundary and gave him 1 month to accept help and get into treatment. He never lifted a finger... the drinking just came out in the open. Such a terrible environment for our son! When a kind, but very straight-forward Al-Anon member told me, "Nothing changes if nothing changes," then and there I knew that I WAS THE CATALYST FOR CHANGE IN MY LIFE! Not my spouse. FEAR kept me bound to that life. Also, the weird PTSD symptoms I would manifest when I would even think of being on public assistance again. I had to overcome all of that to move forward... not as easy as it sounds!
Yes, I had to go on public assistance again. Shame engulfed me. But, there was hope... I was there b/c my son and I were moving forward to a healthier place!
So yeah, I hate risks too. And that is OK. I now understand that the addiction that has affected their brains will never allow them to look at the risks that are inherently connected to this WOL. No amount of reasonable discussion will convince them. Oh, you can try, but that is a sure-fire ticket on the Krazy Train Express! Therefore, they don't have a problem with the risks... we do. And it is perfectly fine to want to live without those risks. It took me a long time (I think) to really accept that I wanted a life without the risks - whatever it took. It took an honest, hard assessment of ME, away from the chaos of my spouse's life. I finally dropped that rope!
So right now, you are two steps forward, one step back. That's perfectly OK. It is how this process works occasionally. Keep journaling. It is a handy way to go back and read where you were, how you were thinking. Keep focusing on YOU. You are so worth it!!
&
Maresie888 said
Aug 31, 2019
I left a long relationship almost 10 years ago in flames. It is only this month I gave stopped going angry at him.for his actions. I cane to that when I heard he was doing olay
I know for ke the anger was tied up in my childhood issues. I was also really invested in being a couple. For a shott time in that relationship we had it together. I have to say the rest of the time was one disaster after another
I know there was something really in it for me in that relationship.
I know that al anon helped me through a lot of detachment
One issue I would say about dealing with anyone with substance abuse issues is anger and envy. Those with substance abuse issues convey a lifestyle they do not really have. Sone of them do indeed have friends. The ex A I was with was popular. In fact his issues with his friends were realky huge in the relationship. But realky I think the whole relationship was all about #him#
I was desperate not to focus on myself so it all had to be about #him# day and night
Al anon gave me the first steps in focusing in myself. That was something I.did not want to do
This has been a "half step forward, three steps back" week for me. Started out feeling pretty solid in my desire to stay focused on ME. Even made some peace with myself that all the money I poured into saving our house from foreclosure is gone, and, in my effort to "save us", have ensured that we are on even rockier standing than before. But that's the price I pay for having enabled the AH. I'm owning that mistake, and I'm still feeling ready to accept it. That's new. I also accept that he feels like I don't give him a chance to fix things before I swoop in and try to fix them. This is correct. In general, I prefer not going to jail and declaring bankruptcy, but these things don't seem to bother him in the same way. I am slowly coming to understand this.
I really need to take a vow of silence at home. When the spouse is talking, I just need to nod and say ok. I had an epiphany that it was stupid for me to feel like I need to justify my anger or opinion or whatever with AH. I only work myself up into a state of frustration because I feel like I have to work around him at home all the time. But he reminded me last night, that in fact, I have everything and he has nothing. And this morning I realize, he was right.
I still have a job (a good one at that), lots of friends (even if I don't have the guts to tell many of them the truth about my home life), children who are still following my lead more than their dad's lead (so far), and an extended family that cares for me and looks out for me. They also don't know the extent of my home life, but we get on well. Thanks to AlAnon, I realize that I have a lot of things that need maturing and cleaning up in my personal life, and I am trying to get there, and the fact that I am trying is a good thing. I realize that I am not the alcoholic, but I have been the enabler, and there is hope I can recover from this.
My spouse has a family that mostly dislikes him, no job, and no prospects of getting one, no car (he is driving my mom's car) because he can't afford a car, and no friends (except ones on a site that men like to frequent *cough* I've decided not to know about that other than what he tells me). He doesn't even have a church because we got kicked out of the one he attended for all his life. He has no friends (well, save for some on a "men's interests" site, cough, with whom he corresponds).
Recently he was unloading on me and my hatred of risk. I should have walked right out of the room but I didn't. Let's just say it didn't go well. And this morning, I'm like, ok, no stars for your recovery efforts today. UGH!
Ok, vent over. It is a new day, and a new chance to do better. Thanks for listening.
All the best.
Thank you for your share, Fedora. I read it like a very honest evaluation of your situation as it is now. Like a mini-Step 4. Hard, I know.
Due to my husband's differing shenanigans over the years, we forclosed on a house we owned, went through bankruptcy once, and my son and I went on public assistance twice. The first time I believe I developed some form of PTSD. I vowed "Never again!" It was my hard boundary. When I was faced with that exact scenario 7 years later, I reminded my AH of my hard boundary and gave him 1 month to accept help and get into treatment. He never lifted a finger... the drinking just came out in the open. Such a terrible environment for our son! When a kind, but very straight-forward Al-Anon member told me, "Nothing changes if nothing changes," then and there I knew that I WAS THE CATALYST FOR CHANGE IN MY LIFE! Not my spouse. FEAR kept me bound to that life. Also, the weird PTSD symptoms I would manifest when I would even think of being on public assistance again. I had to overcome all of that to move forward... not as easy as it sounds!
Yes, I had to go on public assistance again. Shame engulfed me. But, there was hope... I was there b/c my son and I were moving forward to a healthier place!
So yeah, I hate risks too. And that is OK. I now understand that the addiction that has affected their brains will never allow them to look at the risks that are inherently connected to this WOL. No amount of reasonable discussion will convince them. Oh, you can try, but that is a sure-fire ticket on the Krazy Train Express! Therefore, they don't have a problem with the risks... we do. And it is perfectly fine to want to live without those risks. It took me a long time (I think) to really accept that I wanted a life without the risks - whatever it took. It took an honest, hard assessment of ME, away from the chaos of my spouse's life. I finally dropped that rope!
So right now, you are two steps forward, one step back. That's perfectly OK. It is how this process works occasionally. Keep journaling. It is a handy way to go back and read where you were, how you were thinking. Keep focusing on YOU. You are so worth it!!