Summary: My 24yo stepson has been an addict since he was 15. He's lived with his Mom until the past year where she tricked him into coming to our state, and then told us he can't come back to her. We agreed to let him stay with us and get clean. He continued to use and my husband pretty much turned a blind eye, didn't think he needed tested, etc. Husband is a functioning alcoholic and recreational drug user and they had become drinking buddies during this time (his definition of sober didn't include alcohol apparently). About 3 months ago it came to a head after stepson drove himself home extremely intoxicated, ran himself a hot bath, got in, and became unconscious and vomited. I found him. He was alive but so lucky to be. I put my foot down and told husband that stepson had to move out and if that meant the end of our marriage and him moving out too so be it, I'm done watching him be enabled, I'm just done.
Husband decided it was time for stepson to go to rehab (2nd attempt). He completed 1 month inpatient rehab , has been in sober living 2 months, and had a job for 1 month. The day he got out of rehab he started texting/calling old dealers. Somehow he passed the tests at his sober living until 2 weeks ago. He lost his job, failed the test, got kicked out of sober living for 3 days, lied to us, manipulated us, and tried to sneak in our house after we'd gone to bed for a place to sleep.
Here's where I am looking for support / make sure we are doing the right thing to not enable him.
We aren't allowing him in our home, period. So he was "homeless" for about 4 hours parked outside our house, until he called his Mom who got him a hotel room.
We cut off his phone service and had the phone wiped (it belongs to us and we were paying for the service, on the condition he wasn't using), the phone can still call 911.
We removed our debit card from his sober living account and let him know if he wanted to come back he'd have to pay for it(he had enough money in his account to do for 2 weeks, but he's since blown it all on drugs).
He decided he was going back to his Mom's in her state for a week and then come back to sober living. On his way out of town, he bought drugs. and has contacted dealers in her state (hence why I shut the phone off).
He was suppose to be checking in with his sober living daily during the 3 days he was suspended and he did not, so now he's not allowed back at all.
Oh my goodness, this is soooooo long, sorry about that!
Of course his mother is making it seem like we are driving him further into using by making him pay for his own sober living and shutting of his phone. He's a 24yo adult!! I say we are making smart decisions to not enable him and to allow him to hit bottom! She says we are being mean and vindictive. I say she is clueless to the damage she causes.
There are some complicating factors such as he is an adoptee, has some cognitive impairment and learning difficulties, ADHD, anxiety, etc.
Iamhere said
Aug 29, 2019
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. There is no right/wrong way to 'manage' the disease in another - we each have a journey ... typically a tough, tough one. I hope you are attending or will attend some Al-Anon meetings - they will offer you a ton of local support and ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) from others who've also worked to get healthy and detach from the disease and the diseased.
Alcoholism/Addiction is a progressive disease that's never cured - only arrested through abstinence and treatment/support. It's also considered a family disease which suggests all who live with or love someone with the disease are affected. I have 2 sons, both addicts and a AH (Alcoholic Husband). I have done, tried, suggested, screamed, pleaded, etc. all that I could think of and they still are on their own journey....
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. When I am imposing boundaries with my sons, one question I ask myself often is would I tolerate this from another adult I care about? This kind of helps me simply because Al-Anon suggests I am entitled to have a happy, peaceful life and can respond to others accordingly. (((Hugs)))
canadianguy said
Aug 29, 2019
Hi Txsunshine, and glad you found us.... Yep, sounds like you are definitely on the right track, and I'd say you are taking healthy steps. None of us on this board are "experts", per se, other than sharing our own E,S&H, but it does seem like you are largely on point.
To me, the key with whether or not we are enabling, is the oft-forgotten last three words "to your detriment", as in....
Enabling is doing something for our A's that they could do for themselves, to your detriment... (normally in the context of doing things that prevent them from bearing the consequences of their actions/behaviors). Otherwise, without those last three words - the definition could be easily misconstrued to suggest that we can never do anything nice for our A's - which is of course not true.
Your stepson's mother does sound like an enabler - certainly by her reactions toward you and your hubby.
Summary: My 24yo stepson has been an addict since he was 15. He's lived with his Mom until the past year where she tricked him into coming to our state, and then told us he can't come back to her. We agreed to let him stay with us and get clean. He continued to use and my husband pretty much turned a blind eye, didn't think he needed tested, etc. Husband is a functioning alcoholic and recreational drug user and they had become drinking buddies during this time (his definition of sober didn't include alcohol apparently). About 3 months ago it came to a head after stepson drove himself home extremely intoxicated, ran himself a hot bath, got in, and became unconscious and vomited. I found him. He was alive but so lucky to be. I put my foot down and told husband that stepson had to move out and if that meant the end of our marriage and him moving out too so be it, I'm done watching him be enabled, I'm just done.
Husband decided it was time for stepson to go to rehab (2nd attempt). He completed 1 month inpatient rehab , has been in sober living 2 months, and had a job for 1 month. The day he got out of rehab he started texting/calling old dealers. Somehow he passed the tests at his sober living until 2 weeks ago. He lost his job, failed the test, got kicked out of sober living for 3 days, lied to us, manipulated us, and tried to sneak in our house after we'd gone to bed for a place to sleep.
Here's where I am looking for support / make sure we are doing the right thing to not enable him.
We aren't allowing him in our home, period. So he was "homeless" for about 4 hours parked outside our house, until he called his Mom who got him a hotel room.
We cut off his phone service and had the phone wiped (it belongs to us and we were paying for the service, on the condition he wasn't using), the phone can still call 911.
We removed our debit card from his sober living account and let him know if he wanted to come back he'd have to pay for it(he had enough money in his account to do for 2 weeks, but he's since blown it all on drugs).
He decided he was going back to his Mom's in her state for a week and then come back to sober living. On his way out of town, he bought drugs. and has contacted dealers in her state (hence why I shut the phone off).
He was suppose to be checking in with his sober living daily during the 3 days he was suspended and he did not, so now he's not allowed back at all.
Oh my goodness, this is soooooo long, sorry about that!
Of course his mother is making it seem like we are driving him further into using by making him pay for his own sober living and shutting of his phone. He's a 24yo adult!! I say we are making smart decisions to not enable him and to allow him to hit bottom! She says we are being mean and vindictive. I say she is clueless to the damage she causes.
There are some complicating factors such as he is an adoptee, has some cognitive impairment and learning difficulties, ADHD, anxiety, etc.
Alcoholism/Addiction is a progressive disease that's never cured - only arrested through abstinence and treatment/support. It's also considered a family disease which suggests all who live with or love someone with the disease are affected. I have 2 sons, both addicts and a AH (Alcoholic Husband). I have done, tried, suggested, screamed, pleaded, etc. all that I could think of and they still are on their own journey....
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. When I am imposing boundaries with my sons, one question I ask myself often is would I tolerate this from another adult I care about? This kind of helps me simply because Al-Anon suggests I am entitled to have a happy, peaceful life and can respond to others accordingly. (((Hugs)))
Hi Txsunshine, and glad you found us.... Yep, sounds like you are definitely on the right track, and I'd say you are taking healthy steps. None of us on this board are "experts", per se, other than sharing our own E,S&H, but it does seem like you are largely on point.
To me, the key with whether or not we are enabling, is the oft-forgotten last three words "to your detriment", as in....
Enabling is doing something for our A's that they could do for themselves, to your detriment... (normally in the context of doing things that prevent them from bearing the consequences of their actions/behaviors). Otherwise, without those last three words - the definition could be easily misconstrued to suggest that we can never do anything nice for our A's - which is of course not true.
Your stepson's mother does sound like an enabler - certainly by her reactions toward you and your hubby.
Keep coming back
Tom