I am new. Last week I finally said the words out loud, my husband is an alcoholic. I am so mad at myself and so tired. It's like I'm in shock. Turns out I wasn't overreacting all those times and I wasn't being dramatic. The drinking really was getting out of hand. And lately the frequency has increased and so has the lying. I've finally reached my breaking point. And that's just how I feel, broken.
I keep reading Step One about knowing that I'm powerless. I do know, it just makes me so sad. I feel like I'm even more depressed now that I've acknowledged the alcoholism.
And then there is the guilt. What kind of mother allows her children to grow up with an alcoholic. Just because my AH was never violent doesn't mean his actions were harmless. I know it frightened my kids to see their father not in control. What do I say to them now?
Sorry for the strange, disjointed post. I'm just so confused as how we got here. I haven't been able to get to a meeting because I work evenings. I'm also afraid to let my AH know that I'm going because I don't want to stir the pot. I know that is something I have to get past, but this is all so new to me.
jitsuka said
Aug 27, 2019
Welcome to alanon
Freetime said
Aug 27, 2019
Giantmisha, I have been in that place. I understand the shock of finally admitting that alcoholism was part of my family. Shock, confusion, hopelessness -- that's how I felt when I first came to Al-Anon. I would never have come if I hadn't been desperate. And it was all new to me too.
I found that by sticking with it, my mental state began to get better. Step One can sound very dark ... but can you get a glimpse of Step Two? Can you believe that you can be restored to sanity? And that you won't be doing that alone, but with the care of something greater than yourself? And it's OK if you can't see that yet, but just know that it is there.
I felt the same guilt, too, about things I didn't do for my children. But through working the program I have been able to forgive myself, and discovered that my children don't seem to blame me.
It takes time, one day at a time, and I believe you and I are both worth it. Welcome!
canadianguy said
Aug 27, 2019
Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us....
There is a terrific (and very applicable) saying, in that you "did the best you could, with what you knew at the time"
As for the guilt - all you can really do is commit to a better way/path going forward. In you choosing recovery, for YOU, this process has begun The changes won't necessarily be instantaneous, and they won't likely be exactly what you envision success nor the associate timelines that you are hoping for, but you are now on the path to recovery, and that is a beautiful thing indeed. Your kids need (at least) one health parent, so I applaud you for taking the initial steps towards that healthiness
Keep coming back
Tom
Jill said
Aug 27, 2019
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. It is about us.
I find what Freetime said about the preview of step two to be such assistance for me when I am deep down. I don't have to swallow it whole. Just to entertain the possibility is progress. For me, its a comforting progress.
Its your children's good fortune to have at least one sane parent. We are here to regain our own sanity (well, I am and I should stick to that).
You may have noticed the online meetings shown on the first screen. Useful when face to face is unavailable.
-- Edited by Jill on Tuesday 27th of August 2019 10:09:42 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 27, 2019
Hello Giantmisha - I too send you a welcome! Glad you found MIP and glad that you joined right in. I am sorry for the affects of the disease - it is too much for most of us which is how we often end up in Al-Anon recovery. I was able to find relief just by being with others who truly understand all that living with and loving one with the disease brings.
I too encourage you to be gentle and not get bogged down with 'the past'. All we really have is the present, this day and recovery does suggest we take it easy and just one day at a time. I agree with Tom - we did not fail our children or others, instead we did the best we could at the time with what we had. Al-Anon has given me a huge set of tools to be different, respond instead of react and make decisions that are based on facts vs. emotions. I used to write often about a huge disconnect between my heart and my head, and I don't really have that any more! I can love another unconditionally from across the room, street, city or world if needed - there is always hope and help in recovery.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone...(((Hugs)))
Fedora said
Aug 28, 2019
Hello and welcome! I echo what everyone else has said, and I also celebrate you being able to start with saying the words out loud. I don't think there are harder words to utter. The good news: that's the first step toward YOUR recovery.
I also had the guilt (still have it) about "what kind of mother allows her children to grow up with an alcoholic".... I'll tell you: one that has been doing her best to keep it together for years and years. One that continues to do her best and keeps hoping that things will get better because she believes that surely, it just has to ... someday. There is nothing wrong with that. Give yourself credit. You didn't create this mess. It's not on you. You're just trying to navigate the boat through the darkness.
I struggle with this because I have two kids. And I am trying. Hard.
BTW, you don't have to discuss meeting attendance with the spouse. At least in my house, that went over like a ton of radioactive bricks. To this day, nothing will ruin our home atmosphere faster than if I say "Al Anon" out loud. And so I stopped saying it. I don't take him to my doctor appointments because if it's my ankle that's busted, it's my business. If he's not interested in recovery then your partner will stay sick. But I am very interested in recovery and so I will seek treatment. I'll tell you that this board has been a lifesaver for me. I don't live in a place where F2F meetings are easy to get to. I often come here in a pinch.
Give yourself a hug today. Your spouse may not be turning a corner, but you just did - even if it feels like you just dropped into a black hole. You really did. That is good.
Sending you warmest wishes.
Maresie888 said
Aug 31, 2019
I think my knee jerk reaction most of my life is to blame.myeelf
Creating space is a difficult thing
Lately I have found myself in a difficult situation. I had my knee jerk reaction
Now I am giving myself a lot of self care
I have definitely been there with the blame and the guilt and beating myself with a stick
Now I out down the stick
Beating.myself up was one way to feel in control
My current situation is pretty much out of control
One thing I can do is increase self care be kind to.myself
That is hard to do when beating yourself with a stick is so consuming
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 31, 2019
Welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but healing can be found for you.
The analogy of dropping into a black hole resonated with me. That is what it felt like after 29 years of marriage. I had to process so much, that at times I just felt overwhelmed. But I persevered b/c of my kid. I wanted to do better, be better, offer better. So I worked(and continue working) on me. I have learned to remove the remorse/guilt as well. Took a long time in my opinion. But everyone works this process in their own timeline.
Recently, someone asked me to describe myself in one word. I chose RESILIENT.
You will find your resilience and strength as well. It begins with you!
I am new. Last week I finally said the words out loud, my husband is an alcoholic. I am so mad at myself and so tired. It's like I'm in shock. Turns out I wasn't overreacting all those times and I wasn't being dramatic. The drinking really was getting out of hand. And lately the frequency has increased and so has the lying. I've finally reached my breaking point. And that's just how I feel, broken.
I keep reading Step One about knowing that I'm powerless. I do know, it just makes me so sad. I feel like I'm even more depressed now that I've acknowledged the alcoholism.
And then there is the guilt. What kind of mother allows her children to grow up with an alcoholic. Just because my AH was never violent doesn't mean his actions were harmless. I know it frightened my kids to see their father not in control. What do I say to them now?
Sorry for the strange, disjointed post. I'm just so confused as how we got here. I haven't been able to get to a meeting because I work evenings. I'm also afraid to let my AH know that I'm going because I don't want to stir the pot. I know that is something I have to get past, but this is all so new to me.
I found that by sticking with it, my mental state began to get better. Step One can sound very dark ... but can you get a glimpse of Step Two? Can you believe that you can be restored to sanity? And that you won't be doing that alone, but with the care of something greater than yourself? And it's OK if you can't see that yet, but just know that it is there.
I felt the same guilt, too, about things I didn't do for my children. But through working the program I have been able to forgive myself, and discovered that my children don't seem to blame me.
It takes time, one day at a time, and I believe you and I are both worth it. Welcome!
Welcome to MIP, and glad you found us....
There is a terrific (and very applicable) saying, in that you "did the best you could, with what you knew at the time"
As for the guilt - all you can really do is commit to a better way/path going forward. In you choosing recovery, for YOU, this process has begun The changes won't necessarily be instantaneous, and they won't likely be exactly what you envision success nor the associate timelines that you are hoping for, but you are now on the path to recovery, and that is a beautiful thing indeed. Your kids need (at least) one health parent, so I applaud you for taking the initial steps towards that healthiness
Keep coming back
Tom
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. It is about us.
I find what Freetime said about the preview of step two to be such assistance for me when I am deep down. I don't have to swallow it whole. Just to entertain the possibility is progress. For me, its a comforting progress.
Its your children's good fortune to have at least one sane parent. We are here to regain our own sanity (well, I am and I should stick to that).
You may have noticed the online meetings shown on the first screen. Useful when face to face is unavailable.
-- Edited by Jill on Tuesday 27th of August 2019 10:09:42 PM
I too encourage you to be gentle and not get bogged down with 'the past'. All we really have is the present, this day and recovery does suggest we take it easy and just one day at a time. I agree with Tom - we did not fail our children or others, instead we did the best we could at the time with what we had. Al-Anon has given me a huge set of tools to be different, respond instead of react and make decisions that are based on facts vs. emotions. I used to write often about a huge disconnect between my heart and my head, and I don't really have that any more! I can love another unconditionally from across the room, street, city or world if needed - there is always hope and help in recovery.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone...(((Hugs)))
I also had the guilt (still have it) about "what kind of mother allows her children to grow up with an alcoholic".... I'll tell you: one that has been doing her best to keep it together for years and years. One that continues to do her best and keeps hoping that things will get better because she believes that surely, it just has to ... someday. There is nothing wrong with that. Give yourself credit. You didn't create this mess. It's not on you. You're just trying to navigate the boat through the darkness.
I struggle with this because I have two kids. And I am trying. Hard.
BTW, you don't have to discuss meeting attendance with the spouse. At least in my house, that went over like a ton of radioactive bricks. To this day, nothing will ruin our home atmosphere faster than if I say "Al Anon" out loud. And so I stopped saying it. I don't take him to my doctor appointments because if it's my ankle that's busted, it's my business. If he's not interested in recovery then your partner will stay sick. But I am very interested in recovery and so I will seek treatment. I'll tell you that this board has been a lifesaver for me. I don't live in a place where F2F meetings are easy to get to. I often come here in a pinch.
Give yourself a hug today. Your spouse may not be turning a corner, but you just did - even if it feels like you just dropped into a black hole. You really did. That is good.
Sending you warmest wishes.
The analogy of dropping into a black hole resonated with me. That is what it felt like after 29 years of marriage. I had to process so much, that at times I just felt overwhelmed. But I persevered b/c of my kid. I wanted to do better, be better, offer better. So I worked(and continue working) on me. I have learned to remove the remorse/guilt as well. Took a long time in my opinion. But everyone works this process in their own timeline.
Recently, someone asked me to describe myself in one word. I chose RESILIENT.
You will find your resilience and strength as well. It begins with you!