Posted on the hope to change aug 25tg, on holiday, feeling trapped, lonely and starting to feel rage.
Had real visceral images of absolutely smashing and trashing the house, the car, with a crowbar.
I'm sat by the pool practising my mental steps and trying to calm the churn that is my mind.
I've not spoken a word to her for 2 days. Every time I look at her I just want to scream in her face. U can't stand her.
Lyne said
Aug 27, 2019
Jitsuka, I understand the rage and wanting to smash things, and withdrawing and not speaking to my A. After 6 yrs in alanon I have learned that when I focus on my alcoholic, I sink into sickness. When I focus on me, taking care of me, planning my day, using my program tools, I truly can feel really well no matter what the A is doing. This certainly did not happen overnight, but I encourage you to get as involved in alanon as your time and energy allow. It works if you work it, Lyne
Aloha said
Aug 27, 2019
Sorry you're feeling the way you are. I've been there many times, too, with the outright anger and hurt. At many times I wanted to transfer my hurt over to the A - make him see and understand the absolute pain I was feeling, but there's no way to do that without becoming a monster myself.
I read your other posts in the other thread and you're doing the right things in the interim - removing yourself from the situation, going out and exploring and seeing what else life has for you to enjoy.
If you have a sponsor, I really encourage you to give him a call. If you don't have a sponsor, maybe you at least have a phone list and you can call someone on the list and chat. I'm not sure where you're at in your recovery as far as getting to meetings goes. They were and are a vital aspect of my own recovery. I need to be among others who understand and to be able to reach out and talk to - verbally - these people when my life is getting out of control.
If there's a meeting nearby while you're traveling, I encourage you to get to it. Check the Al-Anon website to find meeting locations. There's probably also some local area phone numbers you can call to talk with someone if you don't already have a list of people you can talk to from meetings you've attended.
I can relate and have felt burning red rage many times in my life. I remember how scared I was and witnessing how my fear fueled the fire, not knowing how to stop it. The entire mess was too painful and I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like a biophysical marvel, I could explode and implode at the same time... nothing but destruction all the way. I couldn't think clearly and any decision I made during those blinded times were unwise.
I'm well practiced at swan-diving into the dark abyss as my default and I've been trading up to do the 12 steps instead. I'm forever grateful that I kept coming back to MIP and local Alanon meetings that gradually and continually gave me the right kind of support. The more I come, the better my support and skills.
A sponsor helped me so much... do your best to find one even if it is a sponsor for a day if you are traveling.
Being in the solution or part of the solution helps me step away from negativity. I allow myself to feel and ask what can I "un-contribute" to the situation that would make things better for me? What positive things can do in the next, second, minute, hour, and today?
Keep coming back.
jitsuka said
Aug 27, 2019
Thank you, I know the rage is temporary, but I've got a bit of a fiery temper at the best of times. As I've got older I've learned to temper that and engage brain before.
I'm ok, I just feel flat and sad now, quite tired. Got bored sat next to the pool, glancing occasionally over to were A was, I deliberately sat as far away as possible. Came back to the room and sat on the balcony just chilling
SerenityRUS said
Aug 27, 2019
I can relate and I'm so sorry you are at this point. It's exhausting. One thing that helps me is for me rage is anger I haven't acknowledged .. so if I allow the little stuff which btw anger is a feeling not a fact. It's a healthy emotion that motivates change .. not saying make changes when angry
.. after the storm has passed it's looking at what I can change vs what I can't. I have a quick temper under good circumstances .. where i feel powerless .. really not fun. Alanon had given a gift of I'm allowed to be angry under unreasonable situations .. living with an addict is not a norm by any degree. What I do with that anger is another story. Do I stuff .. do I deny .. do I hold onto .. that's where I remain stuck. Instead I feel it .. look at it .. acknowledge this is a reasonable response to the insanity .. and adjust my sails. Just keep coming back .. I used to feel defective because I felt angry about things .. my reactions were not healthy .. I certainly wasn't defective for feeling angry. Mother Teresa would be angry .. the question of the hour .. what do I choose to do with the anger and how do I respond now 100% key for me. Big big big hugs .. s :)
jitsuka said
Aug 27, 2019
Thank you. It's been a long time since I've been to a f2f meeting, it's quite difficult to get to any near home, although I've just noticed that a lunchtime meeting has opened near my work once a week.
The A bbq is trying to normalize behaviour, asking if I'm going out for something to eat with her and daughter. I'm not playing that game and interacting as least as possible. I'm doing my own thing and don't want to be in her company.
The pathetic thing about this so-called relationship is that I'm only around because of daughter. God knows what she's picking up, just like the A did from her A mother. More dysfunctional behaviour.
The day I walk out is the day I breath so much easier
Iamhere said
Aug 27, 2019
Sending you calming thoughts and vibes jitsuka! I too have been filled with rage and it's just not a fun place to be! Glad that you know this too shall pass - if F2F meetings are not readily available, there are online meetings here. They carried me for a while when I struggled to get to F2F. Keep working it - you got this!
jitsuka said
Aug 28, 2019
Thanks. I just feel flat. I know the rage is temporary and it's because I'm artificially constrained in this environment. Seriously, if we were staying somewhere where the flight home wasn't £400 I would have gone home. Its that bad.
I'm ok, just chilling and doing my own thing. I'm quite introverted by character so I'm good with my own company. Only a few more days to go.
I'm in the UK so online chat times are hit and miss
SerenityRUS said
Aug 28, 2019
Jit.. you bring up sm interesting idea in terms of you will breathe easier when you leave. The question I think I would ask is .. who are you actually angry at? An active addict is an active addict it's what they do. My sponsor asked me .. who are you angry at? And honestly .. I was angry at myself. I felt stupid and used. I had a lot of fury when my x and I split. I felt stupid because I kept believing what my ex said and didn't do. I felt worthless and unlovable because I believed what he was selling. Iwas angry at myself for drowning on him in a financial way I couldn't leave. It was in that moment of that question some rage left because he was active in a disease he was lost to in that moment .. that's where I started to take responsibility for my part. Not the A's part just mine. I started to make changes that would make things easier for the kids and I. I have slowly stopped my misplaced anger at myself and at my x although that's a whole other story at the moment. The reality is .. I stopped feeling foolish. Big hugs .. keep coming back. S :)
jitsuka said
Aug 28, 2019
Thank you, you're absolutely spot on. A lot of the anger is directed at the A (which is pointless) , but there's a fair proportion of the anger directed at myself.
I am trapped at this point in time. I have to be around to at least look out for daughter (12), when she's 16 I'm off. The A is a evening bedroom drinker and I can't leave daughter under her care. The sexist family court system would never give me full custody so I can't realistically protect her that way. Financially I'm not in a good position as the house is the A's. I was divorce raped and family court screwed with my ex so my finances are totally shafted. I have child support for daughter with my ex (a very nasty narcissistic borderline personality disorder individual who made a lot of false serious allegations against me).
The mortgage of As house will be paid off in a couple of years so the half mortgage payments I make will instead go into my personal savings so I can build up finances. In addition there is reasonable inheritance monies from my uncle's estate which are going to be held in a very secure account somewhere else.
The bottom line is that I can make my own accommodation situation in the future, my work is in a good sector (data science) so employment is fine.
My health is very good, I'm 47 years old but look 10-15 years t younger, I exercise a lot (stress reliever) , so should be ok.
Just at the moment there is a lot of mental and emotional stress.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 28, 2019
I am truly sorry that happened, there are things about my current financial divorce situation I am NOT happy about however it is what it is at the moment and I will deal with those as I have to, today is not the day. LOL. My XAH will tell you all day long he was taken advantage of and how even his own attorney screwed him .. I know it's a perspective deal. Divorce is loose .. loose without question. The only winner coming out is the attorney.
Anyway, .. may today be lighter for you and I really hope you get to a face to face .. if you can listen to podcasts at work .. Father Tom has a good one about anger. It's interesting to listen to a Jesuit Priest talk about being angry from his own experience. He happens to be a double winner and his perception of anger and what it all means is truly helpful or it was for me. I get tired of the whole don't be angry .. that's such BS .. umm no .. that is insanity for those of us caught in anger .. be angry however find a way to let it go that is productive and healthy for you. I find congratulations for being angry because that's awareness that all is not right and something needs to change and it comes back to me.
You will take the next step when you are willing and ready to, until then don't live 1/2 of a life.
Hugs S :)
jitsuka said
Aug 28, 2019
Thank you. I do a lot of martial arts and controlled aggression can be productive if used in a positive controlled manner. Takes a lot of mental discipline but that's what I've learned over the years.
Posted on the hope to change aug 25tg, on holiday, feeling trapped, lonely and starting to feel rage.
Had real visceral images of absolutely smashing and trashing the house, the car, with a crowbar.
I'm sat by the pool practising my mental steps and trying to calm the churn that is my mind.
I've not spoken a word to her for 2 days. Every time I look at her I just want to scream in her face. U can't stand her.
Sorry you're feeling the way you are. I've been there many times, too, with the outright anger and hurt. At many times I wanted to transfer my hurt over to the A - make him see and understand the absolute pain I was feeling, but there's no way to do that without becoming a monster myself.
I read your other posts in the other thread and you're doing the right things in the interim - removing yourself from the situation, going out and exploring and seeing what else life has for you to enjoy.
If you have a sponsor, I really encourage you to give him a call. If you don't have a sponsor, maybe you at least have a phone list and you can call someone on the list and chat. I'm not sure where you're at in your recovery as far as getting to meetings goes. They were and are a vital aspect of my own recovery. I need to be among others who understand and to be able to reach out and talk to - verbally - these people when my life is getting out of control.
If there's a meeting nearby while you're traveling, I encourage you to get to it. Check the Al-Anon website to find meeting locations. There's probably also some local area phone numbers you can call to talk with someone if you don't already have a list of people you can talk to from meetings you've attended.
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/
https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
I can relate and have felt burning red rage many times in my life. I remember how scared I was and witnessing how my fear fueled the fire, not knowing how to stop it. The entire mess was too painful and I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like a biophysical marvel, I could explode and implode at the same time... nothing but destruction all the way. I couldn't think clearly and any decision I made during those blinded times were unwise.
I'm well practiced at swan-diving into the dark abyss as my default and I've been trading up to do the 12 steps instead. I'm forever grateful that I kept coming back to MIP and local Alanon meetings that gradually and continually gave me the right kind of support. The more I come, the better my support and skills.
A sponsor helped me so much... do your best to find one even if it is a sponsor for a day if you are traveling.
Being in the solution or part of the solution helps me step away from negativity. I allow myself to feel and ask what can I "un-contribute" to the situation that would make things better for me? What positive things can do in the next, second, minute, hour, and today?
Keep coming back.
I'm ok, I just feel flat and sad now, quite tired. Got bored sat next to the pool, glancing occasionally over to were A was, I deliberately sat as far away as possible. Came back to the room and sat on the balcony just chilling
The A bbq is trying to normalize behaviour, asking if I'm going out for something to eat with her and daughter. I'm not playing that game and interacting as least as possible. I'm doing my own thing and don't want to be in her company.
The pathetic thing about this so-called relationship is that I'm only around because of daughter. God knows what she's picking up, just like the A did from her A mother. More dysfunctional behaviour.
The day I walk out is the day I breath so much easier
I'm ok, just chilling and doing my own thing. I'm quite introverted by character so I'm good with my own company. Only a few more days to go.
I'm in the UK so online chat times are hit and miss
Thank you, you're absolutely spot on. A lot of the anger is directed at the A (which is pointless) , but there's a fair proportion of the anger directed at myself.
I am trapped at this point in time. I have to be around to at least look out for daughter (12), when she's 16 I'm off. The A is a evening bedroom drinker and I can't leave daughter under her care. The sexist family court system would never give me full custody so I can't realistically protect her that way. Financially I'm not in a good position as the house is the A's. I was divorce raped and family court screwed with my ex so my finances are totally shafted. I have child support for daughter with my ex (a very nasty narcissistic borderline personality disorder individual who made a lot of false serious allegations against me).
The mortgage of As house will be paid off in a couple of years so the half mortgage payments I make will instead go into my personal savings so I can build up finances. In addition there is reasonable inheritance monies from my uncle's estate which are going to be held in a very secure account somewhere else.
The bottom line is that I can make my own accommodation situation in the future, my work is in a good sector (data science) so employment is fine.
My health is very good, I'm 47 years old but look 10-15 years t younger, I exercise a lot (stress reliever) , so should be ok.
Just at the moment there is a lot of mental and emotional stress.
Anyway, .. may today be lighter for you and I really hope you get to a face to face .. if you can listen to podcasts at work .. Father Tom has a good one about anger. It's interesting to listen to a Jesuit Priest talk about being angry from his own experience. He happens to be a double winner and his perception of anger and what it all means is truly helpful or it was for me. I get tired of the whole don't be angry .. that's such BS .. umm no .. that is insanity for those of us caught in anger .. be angry however find a way to let it go that is productive and healthy for you. I find congratulations for being angry because that's awareness that all is not right and something needs to change and it comes back to me.
You will take the next step when you are willing and ready to, until then don't live 1/2 of a life.
Hugs S :)